GeorgiaXplant
Well-known Member
- Location
- Georgia
I understand. And I don't blame you one bit. Sometimes the only way we can let something hurtful go is to have the last word.
Forgiveness!
- Thread starter Keesha
- Start date
StarSong
Awkward is my Superpower
- Location
- Los Angeles Suburbs
@Sassycakes I'm so sorry that your family was at the receiving end of this woman's inability to feel empathy and compassion, or the wisdom to feign appropriate behavior even if it wasn't heartfelt. People can be deeply disappointing sometimes.
Bringing her back into your life would surely result in her setting you up for the next punch in the gut.
Bringing her back into your life would surely result in her setting you up for the next punch in the gut.
OneEyedDiva
SF VIP
- Location
- New Jersey
My brother used to say that you haven't really forgiven if you don't forget. But Sassycakes...I'm with you! I think not forgetting is a way to protect ourselves from having the same kind of deed done to us again whether by the same person or someone else.
hellomimi
Namaste 🙏
- Location
- City of Angels
When I get flashbacks of hurtful words and actions done by someone who should've been my protector, the pain still lingers.That is when I tell the inner child in me that I forgive for my own sake and will never again subject myself to such cruelty. Even if I have forgiven, I refuse to see the person again knowing that our encounters can be explosive.
hellomimi
Namaste 🙏
- Location
- City of Angels
In a perfect world, that is ideal but sad to say, it's unlikely to happen in most cases.
It takes a lot of courage and humility to apologize and if done sincerely, the person who was wronged find it easier to forgive and accept the apology.
@Keesha I get accused of being a pushover. As a general rule I'll forgive but, I won't forget. However, if the person continues to keep doing the same thing I will often distance myself from them just to keep the bad feelings at bay.
I've been struggling with forgiveness here lately as well. I've been Christian for a while now. It's not easy to love others enough to forgive them in the middle of a situation that makes you wanna smack someone in the head. I find it's easier to get some space between myself and that person for a while till things chill. Meanwhile just think the situation over and maybe think about how to handle it if it happens again. Then just let it go.
Generally anything we say or do isn't going to fix the situation at hand or make it any better so let it cool off and go do your thing.
I've been struggling with forgiveness here lately as well. I've been Christian for a while now. It's not easy to love others enough to forgive them in the middle of a situation that makes you wanna smack someone in the head. I find it's easier to get some space between myself and that person for a while till things chill. Meanwhile just think the situation over and maybe think about how to handle it if it happens again. Then just let it go.
Generally anything we say or do isn't going to fix the situation at hand or make it any better so let it cool off and go do your thing.
Lewkat
Senior Member
- Location
- New Jersey, USA
Some things were so egregious I could not forgive them. Not that it was requested either. Other stuff I can easily forgive and in most cases forget.
I did put space between us; 8 years in a ‘no contact’ relationship however these people ‘really’ needed my help when someone they left ALL their trust in, walked away. Now that all the hard work is done, they magically reappeared.
I’m ‘still’ working on the .... ‘just let it go,’ part.
Yes! In a ‘perfect world’ ........which none of us have. It takes a lot of courage and humility to apologize? True but before any of this can even happen, it takes acknowledgement of any ‘wrong doing’ and with most narcissists an impossibility.
I did put space between us; 8 years in a ‘no contact’ relationship however these people ‘really’ needed my help when someone they left ALL their trust in, walked away. Now that all the hard work is done, they magically reappeared.
I’m ‘still’ working on the .... ‘just let it go,’ part.
My "friends" hang around when they are in need of something and then *poof* they're gone. I have forgiven them but, I don't intend to keep tolerating the same behavior over and over. If they only need you or want you when it's convenient for them, I think you have the right to walk away.
Em in Ohio
Senior Member
- Location
- OH HI OH
I have wondered whether there are some people who simply cannot apologize or say a simple, but sincere, "I'm sorry." My daughter comes to mind. She will just act as if nothing negative has come between us - moving on as if the issue never happened and all is well.
Ronni
The motormouth ;)
- Location
- Nashville TN
This is my ex-husband. His apology was always followed by "but." I'm so sorry I yelled, BUT "I wouldn't have if you hadn't been so stupid/you need to listen better/you weren't paying attention/you were wrong" etc.
Em in Ohio
Senior Member
- Location
- OH HI OH
At least, you got an apology of sorts. I know, that means nothing when followed by an attack. /-;
JaniceM
Well-known Member
- Location
- still lost between two shores..
That's almost word-for-word from a book I read yesterday- Gaslighting: The Narcissist's Favorite Tool of Manipulation.
If you can tolerate the author's horrible writing, etc., it would be worth reading.
Ronni
The motormouth ;)
- Location
- Nashville TN
Yeah, really not. It's an F$%# you. There's no sincerity, no remorse, no actual accountability or responsibility or even an acknowledgement that he did something wrong. *I* did the wrong thing, so his response was completely justified.
JaniceM
Well-known Member
- Location
- still lost between two shores..
It's not an apology at all- it's a way of a wrongdoer turning his behavior onto the person he wronged.
Ronni
The motormouth ;)
- Location
- Nashville TN
I have a vague idea I've already read it, along with countless other books and/or articles on narcissists, abuse, personality types etc. I educated myself thoroughly after I left my 30+ year marriage to my abusive, controlling, narcissistic husband. I wasn't ever going to repeat THAT particular mistake!
Yes I agree but family is a bit different. Its harder to walk away, especially when you ‘know’ they really ‘need’ you.
Em in Ohio
Senior Member
- Location
- OH HI OH
Back to the topic of forgiveness - I don't forgive. I move on. But, I hold onto the bitterness. Perhaps my 'moving on' is why my daughter can't apologize - I ignored my own "abusive, controlling, narcissistic husband" and perhaps it was my modelling of behavior that made my daughter incapable of apologizing. It's something for me to consider. /-;
Read a library’s worth about narcissists. You really ‘have’ to when you have a close relationship with one or two or three.
lolhellomimi
Namaste 🙏
- Location
- City of Angels
Sad to say that's the truth. I admit I have a hard time forgiving and takes a lot of prayers to ask for courage when the offender does not even show remorse.
I want to forgive for my well-being, not theirs and that's what I always tell myself. Sometimes, it hurts more if they apologize followed by BUT...which is really passing the blame to me as if I deserve the cruelty. Oh well, I prefer to just let it go; I just stay away from them.
For one's own mental health, it's important to forgive and move on .. simply because the perpetrator of your mental anguish is never going to take responsibility for the pain they've caused. I learned that the hard way.
Gaer
"Angel whisperer"
- Location
- New Mexico U.S.A.
You know what I do Keesha? I not only forgive, but I send mental BLESSINGS to them, for who needs blessings more than those who are so ignorant? When I did this, ALL the bad memories I'd been carrying, inturupting my sleep, flashing through my days; ALL disappeared! Never to return! Let it go and send loving prayers to them and it disrupts my life no more.
Saying "I'm sorry" and meaning it requires honesty & good character - qualities that someone who hurt you wouldn't have in the first place.