Friend doesn't respect my anxiety related to highway driving

C

Catballou

Member
I am 65 and still a competent, confident city driver, but I have never been comfortable driving alone on large, multi-lane highways. When I was younger, I forced myself to do it when necessary for work. I didn't enjoy it all and couldn't wait to return home. When I was in my mid-40s I developed a severe anxiety disorder, which is now mostly controlled by medication, but it my anxiety still rears its ugly head from time to time, depending on the situation.

Over the past 20 years or so, as I've aged, I've developed an actual phobia of driving on highways alone for long periods. I'm anxious that I'll be in an accident or get stranded or have a sudden health issue. I have no problem being a passenger. When I have taken road trips, either my husband or other friends drive.

A few years ago, one of my close friends purchased a lovely beachside cottage that is two hours away. She spends the entire summer there. I've visited several times, but only when another friend drove. She is always bugging me to come alone and stop relying on others to get me there. I've explained several times that even the thought of driving two hours on highways by myself causes anxious thoughts. She has other friends who drive to see her and refuses to understand why I won't. She takes it personally and has accused me of acting like an old woman. I tell her that it's not an "old woman" issue. It's an anxiety issue. But she won't accept that. Frankly, she's being so insensitive that I don't really want to go out my way to see her at all.

My question is: Do any of you have anxiety about highway driving and if so, are your friends supportive if you just can't make yourself do it?

Thanks much!
 

I have highway-related anxiety, due to an accident we were involved in, several years ago. We had come to
a sudden stop behind backed-up traffic. Another car stopped just in time, behind us. As we were sitting in
the car, waiting for traffic to start flowing, a car hit the vehicle behind us, and totaled the back-end of our
car .. also gave the couple behind us, whiplash. The car that hit them was going at least 100 km's, and
couldn't change lanes to avoid the hit.

Ever since, I am very apprehensive, even as a passenger, on the highway .. and, I never drive the hwy. solo.
 

Pinky said:
I have highway-related anxiety, due to an accident we were involved in, several years ago. We had come to
a sudden stop behind backed-up traffic. Another car stopped just in time, behind us. As we were sitting in
the car, waiting for traffic to start flowing, a car hit the vehicle behind us, and totaled the back-end of our
car .. also gave the couple behind us, whiplash. The car that hit them was going at least 100 km's, and
couldn't change lanes to avoid the hit.

Ever since, I am very apprehensive, even as a passenger, on the highway .. and, I never drive the hwy. solo.
Click to expand...
I see you're from Toronto, Pinky. Was your accident on the 401?
 
Cat, I'm sorry you're having difficulty with highway driving. I'm sure you've done your best to overcome it, but wanting to do it doesn't always equate to being able to, even with medication. It seems that your friend wants what she wants without regard to your feelings of anxiety. Instead of being understanding and supportive, she's insulting you and pressuring you to get what she wants. She sounds insensitive, controlling, and self-absorbed.

I don't understand. If you're able to visit her with another friend who drives, why is she insisting that you drive alone to see her? Why do you have to drive alone? And if she wants to see you so badly, why can't she drive to see you?
 
Catballou said:
I am 65 and still a competent, confident city driver, but I have never been comfortable driving alone on large, multi-lane highways. When I was younger, I forced myself to do it when necessary for work. I didn't enjoy it all and couldn't wait to return home. When I was in my mid-40s I developed a severe anxiety disorder, which is now mostly controlled by medication, but it my anxiety still rears its ugly head from time to time, depending on the situation.

Over the past 20 years or so, as I've aged, I've developed an actual phobia of driving on highways alone for long periods. I'm anxious that I'll be in an accident or get stranded or have a sudden health issue. I have no problem being a passenger. When I have taken road trips, either my husband or other friends drive.

A few years ago, one of my close friends purchased a lovely beachside cottage that is two hours away. She spends the entire summer there. I've visited several times, but only when another friend drove. She is always bugging me to come alone and stop relying on others to get me there. I've explained several times that even the thought of driving two hours on highways by myself causes anxious thoughts. She has other friends who drive to see her and refuses to understand why I won't. She takes it personally and has accused me of acting like an old woman. I tell her that it's not an "old woman" issue. It's an anxiety issue. But she won't accept that. Frankly, she's being so insensitive that I don't really want to go out my way to see her at all.

My question is: Do any of you have anxiety about highway driving and if so, are your friends supportive if you just can't make yourself do it?

Thanks much!
Click to expand...
I don't have any problems with driving on highways, even in heavy fog or rain. But I'd never, ever force someone to visit who had been honest and upfront about their anxiety drive to it.

Also, someone who won't accept their friend has a issue with driving, ain't a friend either.
 
Bella said:
Cat, I'm sorry you're having difficulty with highway driving. I'm sure you've done your best to overcome it, but wanting to do it doesn't always equate to being able to, even with medication. It seems that your friend wants what she wants without regard to your feelings of anxiety. Instead of being understanding and supportive, she's insulting you and pressuring you to get what she wants. She sounds insensitive, controlling, and self-absorbed.

I don't understand. If you're able to visit her with another friend who drives, why is she insisting that you drive alone to see her? Why do you have to drive alone? And if she wants to see you so badly, why can't she drive to see you?
Click to expand...
She invited me and another friend last August. The friend bowed out at the last minute and she expected me to drive alone, even though I've told her for years that I don't do highways. She's certainly capable of driving to see me, but she rarely comes home over the summer and I guess the point is she wants to share her cottage and the lake with her friends. I admit I do love it there. I adore swimming and the beach. Her, not so much sometimes.

But yes, I've known her for 50 years and she can be insensitive, controlling and self-absorbed. After all these years, I'm tired of it.
 
I have PTSD which is a different kind of Anxiety Disorder, but they all have things in common. One thing my experience has taught me is that if someone has never experienced the panic, they have no clue as to how real or severe it is. Your friend is obviously one of these people and there's no way you can convince them of how intense and frightening it is. My suggestion is to try to accept that they don't and won't understand. It's not their fault that they don't get it, and it's becoming another big source of anxiety for you. And it's not your fault that you can't convince them of the severity of this.

Maybe you can try to have a "sit-down" with them and discuss the strain it's putting on your friendship. Find some middle ground and get back to the things that made you friends to begin with. :)
 
I am another one. Wasn't as bad when I was young but these days it is a whole different story. My area has grown so much, the traffic has kept up with the growth. Every time I think I know the way to get somewhere, everything has changed, new roads, exits and entrance ramps changes and moved.

I also was married, my husband did all the driving, so I did not get a lot of experience. He has passed so anywhere I chose to go is on my shoulders. I also suffer from anxiety. People that do not or have never had a panic attack don't get it. We are not just nervous, we are terrified. I also take medication. It does wonders but can't fix an anxiety problem. We have to work at it everyday, some things are worth the battle, some are not.

I hid this condition for most of my life, my husband knew but I kept it from other family, friends. I have come to realize I can only be responsible for how I feel. If I am not comfortable or don't feel up to the challenge, I am protecting myself and others by staying off the roads. I wish you well, I do know how you feel. If your friend can't love and accept you just the way you are, I would just tell her again, this is not a choice, it is not a simple fear, it is something in our DNA. We see the doctor, take medication, do exposure therapy to get better.

Invite her over to spend the night in your new snake pit in the back yard, would she have anxiety? Just saying!
 
I was very nervous about highway driving when I first got my license at age 37. Before I knew it, I had gotten used to it because I did a lot of highway driving for my work. I stopped driving almost 20 years ago after eye surgeries and other eye issues. If your friend is a good friend, she should not only respect your decision but be supportive of your anxiety, not ridicule you for it. I understand why you've gotten to the point that you'd prefer not to see her at all. And ditto @MikeyDude's answer (post #10).
 
I used to love driving on highways as well as any other roads. In my later years, I'd say about my fifties I started not liking it at all. It is around the time I started having trouble with my knees and was not comfortable in a vehicle any longer. I moved four years ago to an apartment and chose not to own a car. It was the best decision I ever made. Now I admit I have a boyfriend who will drive here and pick me up or run errands for me. I have recently been trying to find other ways to keep myself independent if anything happens to him. Now even when I am riding, those big highways make me so nervous that I know I could never drive on them again.
 
I have specific fears around driving, and it prevents me from doing things and going places. I believe that if I force myself to drive while terrified, I'll put myself and others in danger.

Your friend is being disrespectful, not only of your feelings but also of your safety.

My language partner's family owns a mountain resort. He has invited me to spend time there for free. I'd love to, but I can't drive myself there. He respects that, because he's a respectful person.

Others are not so understanding. One person said I was being "ridiculous." That person is no longer in my life.

I have a real problem with people who think they know what I should think or feel, where I should go, or what I should do. Live and let live.
 
With the posts that I have read, it seems that more females are affected by having a driving neurosis. I wonder if there was a poll if this would show up as being a female issue? Interesting. I remember when I was 7 years old and my dad drove us (mom and I) to Florida to visit my mom’s parents, my grandparents. At that time, I don’t believe the interstate was finished the whole way down from Ohio. My mom wouldn’t drive on the Interstate. Only the state routes. She didn’t say why. Dad said next time down, we’re flying. Mom said she would meet us there. She was taking the train. Dad laughed. Good memory.
 
I developed freeway driving anxiety about 7 years ago, and although
I do drive the freeways it is not often. My heart races, and my eyes
vision have changed, it no longer is my cup of tea, I look to avoid it..

Are my friends understanding of it? Most are and a couple are not,
they feel that pressuring me, will change my anxiety about it....
I stand my grounds anyway...
 
Last edited:
When you think about it, driving is a dangerous undertaking. There are high speeds, bumper to bumper, and everyone depending on everyone else to do it right. OK accidents don't usually happen to us as individuals, but they can and do, and some of them we have no control over at all. People die on highways, where they wouldn't die if they stayed home.

Most people don't have this anxiety reaction, because driving is familiar and seems normal. I single handed my sailboat from California to Hawaii, and then from Hawaii to Alaska. People talked about the danger, and I had thoughts about it too. But somewhere, out in the middle of the ocean, it occurred that I could be driving on a freeway, filled with airheads and drunks, instead of being out in the ocean and encountering maybe 1 ship every 10 days, where the crew knew I was there before I even saw them. We always made radio contact, while discussing which way we would turn to avoid each other safely. Of course there was also friendly chatter about where we were going, where we were from, did we have children, bla, bla, and warm wishes for friendly winds and a safe voyage on signing off. I believe that trip was safer than driving on a freeway, and actually much less stressful.
 
Catballou said:
My question is: Do any of you have anxiety about highway driving and if so, are your friends supportive if you just can't make yourself do it?
Click to expand...
I don't but certainly respect those that do. If you aren't comfortable with it, don't do it. Your right.
Catballou said:
I've known her for 50 years and she can be insensitive, controlling and self-absorbed. After all these years, I'm tired of it.
Click to expand...
Maybe fewer visits and not solo visits are a good thing?
 
Catballou said:
I am 65 and still a competent, confident city driver, but I have never been comfortable driving alone on large, multi-lane highways. When I was younger, I forced myself to do it when necessary for work. I didn't enjoy it all and couldn't wait to return home. When I was in my mid-40s I developed a severe anxiety disorder, which is now mostly controlled by medication, but it my anxiety still rears its ugly head from time to time, depending on the situation.

Over the past 20 years or so, as I've aged, I've developed an actual phobia of driving on highways alone for long periods. I'm anxious that I'll be in an accident or get stranded or have a sudden health issue. I have no problem being a passenger. When I have taken road trips, either my husband or other friends drive.

A few years ago, one of my close friends purchased a lovely beachside cottage that is two hours away. She spends the entire summer there. I've visited several times, but only when another friend drove. She is always bugging me to come alone and stop relying on others to get me there. I've explained several times that even the thought of driving two hours on highways by myself causes anxious thoughts. She has other friends who drive to see her and refuses to understand why I won't. She takes it personally and has accused me of acting like an old woman. I tell her that it's not an "old woman" issue. It's an anxiety issue. But she won't accept that. Frankly, she's being so insensitive that I don't really want to go out my way to see her at all.

My question is: Do any of you have anxiety about highway driving and if so, are your friends supportive if you just can't make yourself do it?

Thanks much!
Click to expand...
Blessed said:
If I am not comfortable or don't feel up to the challenge, I am protecting myself and others by staying off the roads.
Click to expand...
NorthernLight said:
I believe that if I force myself to drive while terrified, I'll put myself and others in danger.
Click to expand...
All of the above for me but in my case, it's my huzz who's the one not understanding why I no longer want to drive.
 
Blessed said:
I am another one. Wasn't as bad when I was young but these days it is a whole different story. My area has grown so much, the traffic has kept up with the growth. Every time I think I know the way to get somewhere, everything has changed, new roads, exits and entrance ramps changes and moved.

I also was married, my husband did all the driving, so I did not get a lot of experience. He has passed so anywhere I chose to go is on my shoulders. I also suffer from anxiety. People that do not or have never had a panic attack don't get it. We are not just nervous, we are terrified. I also take medication. It does wonders but can't fix an anxiety problem. We have to work at it everyday, some things are worth the battle, some are not.

I hid this condition for most of my life, my husband knew but I kept it from other family, friends. I have come to realize I can only be responsible for how I feel. If I am not comfortable or don't feel up to the challenge, I am protecting myself and others by staying off the roads. I wish you well, I do know how you feel. If your friend can't love and accept you just the way you are, I would just tell her again, this is not a choice, it is not a simple fear, it is something in our DNA. We see the doctor, take medication, do exposure therapy to get better.

Invite her over to spend the night in your new snake pit in the back yard, would she have anxiety? Just saying!
Click to expand...
Thank you for this. You totally get it. Some people think that by avoiding situations that make us anxious, we are just wimping out. Maybe so, but I'd rather wimp out than put myself and others at risk on the roads. My husband is afraid to fly while I am not. Some of our friends don't understand his phobia, either, but I certainly do. I really wish there was more kindness, understanding, patience and acceptance for those who have anxiety issues. At least, among friends.
 

Friend doesn't respect my anxiety related to highway driving​


Catballou said:
A few years ago, one of my close friends purchased a lovely beachside cottage that is two hours away. She spends the entire summer there. I've visited several times, but only when another friend drove. She is always bugging me to come alone and stop relying on others to get me there. I've explained several times that even the thought of driving two hours on highways by myself causes anxious thoughts. She has other friends who drive to see her and refuses to understand why I won't. She takes it personally and has accused me of acting like an old woman. I tell her that it's not an "old woman" issue. It's an anxiety issue.
Click to expand...
If your 'friend' can afford a beach cottage, she can afford a private car for you

Ask her when to expect the driver to arrive

If she gets incredulous, just tell her she started it
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top