Friendly Advice Needed

Packerjohn

Packerjohn

Packerjohn
Location
Canada
My daughter, age 35, has recently left her husband & seeking a divorce. She has hinted that she would like to go back to school & work part time. Right now she lives in a city that is 1,400 km away & it is a big city. I live in a small town of 2,0000. She is hinting that this arrangement might be up to 2 years. Now, the truth is that I will be 75 in 2 months & I have been living alone since the death of my dear wife & I like being alone. The problem is that I don't know if I want to be a father to a 35 year old woman. It is not the same when I was young & bringing up the kids. I don't have the energy anymore. I think it might be better to say no up front. Besides, I live in a 55 plus apartment & this is not a multi-generation building. The advice I'm asking for is what do you think? Do any of you have had this experience? If not, maybe you have knowledge of other families or neighbours who have experienced this? I would appreciate some advice. Thanks to all for any advice.
 

In my opinion, (and take my opinion with a grain of salt) I'd tell her no, This is a 55 plus apartment. At 35,she is to find her own way. I'm sure you raised her to have self-sufficiency. What people would LIKE to do, and what they HAVE to do may not be the same.
You can tell her this lovingly. It sounds like you've already made up your mind. Listen to your gut feeling.
 
My son, 44, let his 23yr old son move back home until he could find another job, 6 weeks tops. That was almost 2 years ago. He plays video games a lot. He wrecked his car - not on his way to a job interview. He finally got a part-time job and started a course at the local community college, but it's been a long 6 weeks (and it's not over yet).
 
I see so many roadblocks to this. You have the perfect excuse to say no to her because your building is 55plus. Tell her to wait 20 years and you will consider it then ;)

This is one of those times to stand firm and stick to what you know is best for you.

Offer to look around before she actually comes to see what is available in accommodation in her price range.
Ask what she would prefer, would she like to be close by you or in another city, that type of thing.
 
No, unless she was completely homeless and potless, and had nowhere to sleep, and then only for a short time till she found work to pay the rent... ... otherwise I would say No if I were you ... at 75 in a 55+ retirement village, preferring your own company, and now happy in your own ways , it could destroy your good relationship....
 
hollydolly said:
No, unless she was completely homeless and potless, and had nowhere to sleep, and then only for a short time till she found work to pay the rent... ... otherwise I would say No if I were you ... at 75 in a 55+ retirement village, preferring your own company, and now happy in your own ways , it could destroy your good relationship....
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I agree with Holly, at your age and living in a senior village, you don't need to explain too much. If she was homeless, broke and living in the streets it would be different, but even then having her in your situation is not ideal, if even possible. Sometimes we need to think of what is best for us at our age, it's not being cruel to others at all. Life is short, good luck.
 
Thankfully I think the decision has been made for you as it is against the rules for her to live with you. Sure she must be going through a terrible time at the moment so all you can really do as her dad is be there to give her a hug and help her find somewhere else to live. Good luck to you both.
 
Don't get roped into something like this unless there are young Grandchildren in the equation.

In addition to the rules of the building, you probably has a social life that would be completely disrupted.
You could easily slip into the situation of cleaning up after her and doing her laundry.

I love my adult children, but I would never live with either one of them.

My wife's response: "No Way Jose."
 
I don't understand this trend of adult kids moving back home. When I was growing up, it was a sign of adulthood to us kids to leave home as soon as possible - and not come back. When I was working full time, it seemed quite common for kids to still be living at home well into their 20s or even later. These co-workers complained that they couldn't get rid of their kids. Weird!

Tony
 
Alas sometimes people's lives do not turn out the way they expected ie abusive partner etc. Whether your child is 4 or 40 they are and always will be your child and therefore if you can help you should even if it does mean they have to come and live with you. Just my opinion :)
 
Since I am not a parent, I don't have to deal with that kind of situation. My parents felt that their job raising us was done by the time we were 18, and off we go. But, then, when it was time for them to go into assisted living, they took care of that themselves rather than burdening us with all those issues. I thought they were quite fair on both counts. For us to grow up, we needed to be on our own, dealing with the consequences of our choices. Apparently, things are different now and since I don't have kids, I am not tuned into whatever changes have taken place in families since I left home.

Tony
 
Pepper said:
Burdening. Burden. Sorry, Tony, it was a joy to help my parents, and I won't go into my "burdens." I was glad to be there to help. Would be ecstatic to help them again, but I can't, so.................wish you chose another word, a word other than burden.
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That is the word my parents used, so that is the word I used. I don't have any particular feelings about the situation either way. I help people in our condo association all the time and don't consider it a burden.

Tony
 
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