debodun
SF VIP
- Location
- way upstate in New York, USA
Please - no comments about "Why do you put yourself through this?" or similar motif. Just enjoy this as a bit of humor.
I’ve been attempting to liquidate my mother’s estate on my own by having lawn sales. I’ve encountered many “interesting” folks. They are the ones that usually fall into one of these categories:
“The Whirlwinds” – they don’t spend more than a minute at the sale. They walk so quickly around the tables it makes your head spin. It’s like they are desperately looking for just the one thing you don’t have.
“The Creepers” – these are the opposite of the “whirlwinds”. It’s like watching a video in slow motion. They pick each item up, look at it from every angle, put it back on the table and stare at it for 5 minutes, them move on to the next item. They spend so much time looking, that you start checking your watch. I feel like charging these slow pokes rent for taking so long.
“The Cheapos” – no matter what price you decide on an item, they expect you’ll give them at least a 90% discount. Will never pay the asking price, even if it's Ming vase for 25¢.
“The Talker” – Is usually an older person. He/she engages you in conversation; tells you their life story, family and personal problems, about other sales they’ve been to, etc. This is interesting for about the first 3 minutes, then it appears he/she isn’t going to stop anytime soon. You start thinking to yourself, “How can I tactfully get rid if this bore.” The “talkers” usually don’t buy anything; they just want an audience.
"The Flustered Mom” - They have a minimum of 2 elementary school age kids or younger who, if you have toys and games for sale, proceed to open the box of every board game or puzzle and dump the contents all over the place, throw they toys around, or just stand and screech as their mother looks around. Constant admonitions from mom to behave themselves go unheeded and they continue to make a shambles of your sale. The women usually say they are single moms and expect you'll give them things for nothing because of their hard luck. They finally leave without buying anything, then you have to go around and pick up that 500 piece jigsaw puzzle scattered on the lawn and under the hedge, hoping you retrieved all the pieces.
“The Complainer” – Looks at everything and has nothing good to say. Either the prices are too high, or the quality of the items isn’t good enough for them. People like this could find fault with Jesus! If my stuff isn’t good enough or cheap enough for you – just leave. You don’t have to announce it to the neighborhood.
“The Reservists” – They pick out something, then announce they have no money. They want you to “hold” it for them until they can get the cash and return. Two weeks later you’re still waiting for them. Now I set a time limit and (usually 2 hours) and ask for a non-refundable deposit. They usually get huffy about that and refuse, but if they aren’t a serious buyer – who cares? Did they really have any intention of buying it in the first place, or were they just playing one of their games? Are people that strapped that they don’t even have 5 bucks on them? If not, why did they stop?
“The Tycoon” – Usually a 30 to 40-something male. Flashes a big fist of money and announces, “I’m a CASH buyer!” I think, “Yeah? – as opposed to what other means of tender?” They almost never buy and if they do, it some small, inexpensive item so they have an excuse to pull out their wad again to impress you. I think the only person it impresses is them!
“The Drive-bys” – they slow down and cruise by the sale, go up the block, turn and come back and drive ever so slowly by again, then suddenly zoom off, spraying you tables with road dust and leaving an acrid cloud of vehicle exhaust in their wake.
“The Pisser (or Crapper)” – doesn’t buy anything but asks to use your bathroom. You direct them to the nearest convenience store on the corner 400 feet away. They respond emphatically, “But I can’t wait!” Makes you wonder why they take Ex-Lax and have a big gulp beverage just before heading out for garage sales.
“The Lazies” – won’t get out of their vehicle. They want you to bring things over to them. I could see this if they were physically handicapped, but I do not see their vehicle marked as such which is required in our state. Are they getting some kind of amusement having you run back and forth? They usually don’t buy anything anyway.
“The Invaders” – they look around for a minute, but don’t seem interested in anything. They hang around until you’re distracted with another customer, then go into your house or at least into areas they shouldn’t, and start looking around, like cabinets in the kitchen or garage. When you discover them and point out that only the items outside are for sale, they scream “Are you having a sale or not!” For some reason they assume EVERYTHING is for sale.
“The ATM Customer” – treats you like a bank machine. Will pick out a really inexpensive item and hand you a $100 bill. Makes you wonder why they didn’t get small bills and change at the bank if they were going to garage sales.
This is the worst one – “The Fake Buyer”. They walk around picking up armloads of stuff, getting your hopes up they are going to purchase a large quantity. After about 10 minutes of this, they suddenly dump everything and walk away. One time I had a lot of framed pictures. On older man came in and looked around. He said he would buy all the pictures if I wrapped them up for him. I scrambled to procure large sheets of heavy paper and twine, I then painstakingly wrapped them. He stood right there and watched carefully, not saying a word. Twenty minutes later, when I was all done, he suddenly said, “I changed my mind” and walked off. Really! You could almost punch some of these people.
Miscellaneous: One woman I remember clearly, selected some pressed glass items and started to walk away. I accosted her and said those items totaled $12. She became very huffy and said, “It’s stuff you don’t want anyway or it wouldn’t be out here. Why should I have to pay ANYTHING?” This may be a sub-species of the “The Cheapo”.
Another man selected an antique caned-seat chair. He brought it over to me. I said. “It’s ten dollars.” He held out his empty hand. I repeated the price. He said, “Yeah, so where’s my ten?” He expected me to pay HIM to take it!
Honestly – I could write a book!
I’ve been attempting to liquidate my mother’s estate on my own by having lawn sales. I’ve encountered many “interesting” folks. They are the ones that usually fall into one of these categories:
“The Whirlwinds” – they don’t spend more than a minute at the sale. They walk so quickly around the tables it makes your head spin. It’s like they are desperately looking for just the one thing you don’t have.
“The Creepers” – these are the opposite of the “whirlwinds”. It’s like watching a video in slow motion. They pick each item up, look at it from every angle, put it back on the table and stare at it for 5 minutes, them move on to the next item. They spend so much time looking, that you start checking your watch. I feel like charging these slow pokes rent for taking so long.
“The Cheapos” – no matter what price you decide on an item, they expect you’ll give them at least a 90% discount. Will never pay the asking price, even if it's Ming vase for 25¢.
“The Talker” – Is usually an older person. He/she engages you in conversation; tells you their life story, family and personal problems, about other sales they’ve been to, etc. This is interesting for about the first 3 minutes, then it appears he/she isn’t going to stop anytime soon. You start thinking to yourself, “How can I tactfully get rid if this bore.” The “talkers” usually don’t buy anything; they just want an audience.
"The Flustered Mom” - They have a minimum of 2 elementary school age kids or younger who, if you have toys and games for sale, proceed to open the box of every board game or puzzle and dump the contents all over the place, throw they toys around, or just stand and screech as their mother looks around. Constant admonitions from mom to behave themselves go unheeded and they continue to make a shambles of your sale. The women usually say they are single moms and expect you'll give them things for nothing because of their hard luck. They finally leave without buying anything, then you have to go around and pick up that 500 piece jigsaw puzzle scattered on the lawn and under the hedge, hoping you retrieved all the pieces.
“The Complainer” – Looks at everything and has nothing good to say. Either the prices are too high, or the quality of the items isn’t good enough for them. People like this could find fault with Jesus! If my stuff isn’t good enough or cheap enough for you – just leave. You don’t have to announce it to the neighborhood.
“The Reservists” – They pick out something, then announce they have no money. They want you to “hold” it for them until they can get the cash and return. Two weeks later you’re still waiting for them. Now I set a time limit and (usually 2 hours) and ask for a non-refundable deposit. They usually get huffy about that and refuse, but if they aren’t a serious buyer – who cares? Did they really have any intention of buying it in the first place, or were they just playing one of their games? Are people that strapped that they don’t even have 5 bucks on them? If not, why did they stop?
“The Tycoon” – Usually a 30 to 40-something male. Flashes a big fist of money and announces, “I’m a CASH buyer!” I think, “Yeah? – as opposed to what other means of tender?” They almost never buy and if they do, it some small, inexpensive item so they have an excuse to pull out their wad again to impress you. I think the only person it impresses is them!
“The Drive-bys” – they slow down and cruise by the sale, go up the block, turn and come back and drive ever so slowly by again, then suddenly zoom off, spraying you tables with road dust and leaving an acrid cloud of vehicle exhaust in their wake.
“The Pisser (or Crapper)” – doesn’t buy anything but asks to use your bathroom. You direct them to the nearest convenience store on the corner 400 feet away. They respond emphatically, “But I can’t wait!” Makes you wonder why they take Ex-Lax and have a big gulp beverage just before heading out for garage sales.
“The Lazies” – won’t get out of their vehicle. They want you to bring things over to them. I could see this if they were physically handicapped, but I do not see their vehicle marked as such which is required in our state. Are they getting some kind of amusement having you run back and forth? They usually don’t buy anything anyway.
“The Invaders” – they look around for a minute, but don’t seem interested in anything. They hang around until you’re distracted with another customer, then go into your house or at least into areas they shouldn’t, and start looking around, like cabinets in the kitchen or garage. When you discover them and point out that only the items outside are for sale, they scream “Are you having a sale or not!” For some reason they assume EVERYTHING is for sale.
“The ATM Customer” – treats you like a bank machine. Will pick out a really inexpensive item and hand you a $100 bill. Makes you wonder why they didn’t get small bills and change at the bank if they were going to garage sales.
This is the worst one – “The Fake Buyer”. They walk around picking up armloads of stuff, getting your hopes up they are going to purchase a large quantity. After about 10 minutes of this, they suddenly dump everything and walk away. One time I had a lot of framed pictures. On older man came in and looked around. He said he would buy all the pictures if I wrapped them up for him. I scrambled to procure large sheets of heavy paper and twine, I then painstakingly wrapped them. He stood right there and watched carefully, not saying a word. Twenty minutes later, when I was all done, he suddenly said, “I changed my mind” and walked off. Really! You could almost punch some of these people.
Miscellaneous: One woman I remember clearly, selected some pressed glass items and started to walk away. I accosted her and said those items totaled $12. She became very huffy and said, “It’s stuff you don’t want anyway or it wouldn’t be out here. Why should I have to pay ANYTHING?” This may be a sub-species of the “The Cheapo”.
Another man selected an antique caned-seat chair. He brought it over to me. I said. “It’s ten dollars.” He held out his empty hand. I repeated the price. He said, “Yeah, so where’s my ten?” He expected me to pay HIM to take it!
Honestly – I could write a book!
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