Gray Divorce and our Adult children

[Nathan]

Edit:
@ABitGrayandConfused, I type slowly and didn't see your latest post until just now. I'll leave my post as-is for you to read, take from it whatever might be useful or relevant.

I feel very unhappy here in this empty house while married for 37yrs. She has her girlfriends that she goes off on most weekends and does things, and I stay at home doing nothing. I have NO friends that I can or do see most of the time. I mountain bike but I have no one to go do that with either. I am quite lonely and feel isolated as if I am watching my life just go right by me. She and I are nothing more than mere roommates.

I told her last week that I wanted a divorce and we had a calm conversation about it. But now huge fear, doubt, and intrepidness have crept in about how my adult kids will take this, and what it will mean for their future and my little granddaughter who loves us both dearly.

@ABitGrayandConfused , I hope you reconsider your wish for a divorce and try to look at your marriage in a different light. My life could be defined similarly to yours in a way, my wife has her friends network and frequently spends weekends doing those things she and her friends enjoy. We both often go our own ways, and that's OK. My wife and I have each been previously married(several times each), but I think through those experiences we learned to take what we want in a relationship, and have learned to share as well.

Adult kids? Are you worried that they will take sides or be judgey? You know your kids, but I would hope that family that loves you would continue to love you regardless.
A thought: It looks to me like you feel dependent on your wife for social / recreational fulfillment, so perhaps you could focus on activities that you like doing, and at the end of the day you and your wife can meet in the middle(as they say), and you can have the woman you love.

 

[Blessed]

Forget everything I said. As you said, you have had your trysts, you left the marriage then as far as I can see. If that was a need years ago it tells a whole different story. I am in shock that you are still married and in the family home. You should have left back then before you stepped out.

Accept your responsibility for what has happened. Yes, a divorce is in the cards but I think you will find that you will be the one that suffers now. Old age is not the time (there is not time) to build a new life. Yes, your children and grandchild will suffer. There will be grief on their end, they can no longer go to their family for holidays, birthdays, special occasions. Now it will be a time of where do we go, what do we do, so much pressure that they did not ask for.

I always wondered so I am going to ask, was a sexual relationship outside the marriage worth what you are going thru now? Could your wife have done something to keep this from happening? Was it just a midlife crisis?

 

[CallMeKate]

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[John cycling]

I sit wondering if it's still possible for ME to make new friends and be happy.

Do you know what makes you happy?
Can you write down 20 things that make you happy, without stopping to pause?
If not, then that's the crux of the issue, not your wife, not your kids, not your grandkids, i.e. YOU are the crux of the issue.

I was in a place like that a few decades ago. I had much to be happy about, but was not,
which made it an extremely difficult and trying time, not only for me, but I'm sure it was also for my spouse.
The reason was because, though I had much to be happy about, I was not seeing and connecting with these things.

I've had my trysts that have hurt my wife. I could sit here and give a litany of excuses why but in the end, it has hurt my wife and now I think we both know things are completely dead between us.

Maybe you don't know why it happened. Maybe you were lost and trying to find yourself.
Regardless of that, as you stated, she was hurt. Whether things work out or not, you should try to appease her for that.

There is ZERO romance, excitement, nor do we have one thing in common that we could do together I'm afraid. I simply just don't like the things she does with her gf's to be honest. I am an avid mountain biker so I do have something to enjoy.

You don't need to like everything that she does. But you do need to discover what makes you happy.
Talking is one thing you both have in common and which you can both do together. There are probably other things too.

I am moving out and closer to where I work because the hour long commute is KILLING me and I've already "been there, done that" earlier in my career.

That's a good reason, but doesn't mean that you need to divorce.

I stayed in a miserable marriage far too long

Why was it miserable? Because of something she did, or because you're just unhappy and don't know why.

I moved back in Jan. of 2022 until today. And not one. single. thing has changed whatsoever between us. We are roommates at the very best. Thankfully we never fuss, fight, or argue.

Why did you move back in? Do you want it to work out with her? How does she feel?
Would she like to work it out with you? Is she as unhappy as you are? Apparently not as she does have some friends.

If I'm way off base, then please excuse what I've posted. Otherwise, I could give you some ideas to work on.

 

[VaughanJB]

Folks, I was limited to only 130 words for my first post so I had to delete a LOT of stuff that I had spewed out onto my laptop last night. So I can understand the opinions from some that there may be some things missing, and that I sound even jealous. Nothing could be FURTHER from the truth about her friends and active life. In fact, I told her last week during our discussion that I was jealous, but in a very GOOD way. Meaning I was so glad that she had gf's to go and do the things she loves to do! And I've never kept her from doing any of it as well. It only amplifies my lack of making friends over the years.

That's all. And now I sit wondering if it's still possible for ME to make new friends and be happy. Yes I have taken her out but even while out felt a million miles away from her.

She, my 2 kids, and myself always had a steadfast devotion to attending church from the day they were born. Both are in their early 30's now. One is married with my only grandchild. My Dad and mom are still married at 62yrs. My brother and sister both have been married 35yrs+ as well. So the word "divorce" has never entered ANY of our lips. I feel like I am also letting them down, mainly my kids. As they've not been around that traumatic event in their lives. I've had my trysts that have hurt my wife. I could sit here and give a litany of excuses why but in the end, it has hurt my wife and now I think we both know things are completely dead between us.

There is ZERO romance, excitement, nor do we have one thing in common that we could do together I'm afraid. I simply just don't like the things she does with her gf's to be honest. I am an avid mountain biker so I do have something to enjoy but usually it's a "go it alone" thing as planning to ride with anyone else can be challenging due to life, family, etc.

Do I expect for my life to be filled with wonder days and excitement? Absolutely not. I am moving out and closer to where I work because the hour long commute is KILLING me and I've already "been there, done that" earlier in my career. This Atlanta traffic is the WORST! Where I'm moving I don't know a soul. But I had planned on joining a local Divorce support group to help me in the beginning. And hopefully find some places (other than sports bars, etc.) that I can find some activities to attend.

I am more concerned about my kids and granddaughter. What this will do to them now, and later. I stayed in a miserable marriage far too long FOR the kids, and now I feel like staying any longer would be for them again. We were separated and I moved out in 2020 and 2021 so it's not like they would be overly shocked by the announcement but I believe that even then they held out hope we would reconcile. I moved back in Jan. of 2022 until today. And not one. single. thing has changed whatsoever between us. We are roommates at the very best. Thankfully we never fuss, fight, or argue.

Listen, I really do appreciate everyone's advice, wisdom, and opinions. As you can see, it's all over the place. I guess what I am trying to discover is those who knew breaking this news to their adult children would hurt them and how you came to the place where it was a must.

P.S. Thanks for the heads up on the 130 words! lol

This reinforces my earlier message. Please read that again. The long one. It's about you. If you failed in some regard, then it's down to you to rebuild the bridge. Does you wife want a divorce? What does she say? From the little you've shared, you need to take your burden, admit to it, try to gain forgiveness through action.

I repeat, I'm in a bad place too. I can't control my partner. I can't fix her thoughts. I can do all I know to make amends. If she ends it, then that's her choice. It is easy to walk away in many ways. Who said marriage over decades would be easy?

My general feeling - you're doing all you can, but it's not enough. You need to re-examine your approach. Easy for me to say, I know.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Since you have left once and cheated frequently no one will be surprised. I’m surprised your wife took you back. She’s rightfully angry. My third husband was a serial cheater and I finally divorced him. He didn’t want the divorce but he caused it.

In regard to the kids I left my second husband once all my kids were adults. They weren’t happy but understood. We remained friendly and would sit together at family events like graduations, weddings, etc so it was never stressful for the kids. We each remarried and were nice to each other’s spouses.

 

[VaughanJB]

Since you have left once and cheated frequently no one will be surprised. I’m surprised your wife took you back. She’s rightfully angry. My third husband was a serial cheater and I finally divorced him. He didn’t want the divorce but he caused it.

In regard to the kids I left my second husband once all my kids were adults. They weren’t happy but understood. We remained friendly and would sit together at family events like graduations, weddings, etc so it was never stressful for the kids. We each remarried and were nice to each other’s spouses.

Care about kids, but not the woman you betrothed a life too? What is this guy seeking?

 

[ABitGrayandConfused]

Folks thanks for all the input. I think I've heard everything I needed. Best to you all.

 

[Jeni]

I feel very unhappy here in this empty house while married for 37yrs. She has her girlfriends that she goes off on most weekends and does things, and I stay at home doing nothing. I have NO friends that I can or do see most of the time. I mountain bike but I have no one to go do that with either. I am quite lonely and feel isolated as if I am watching my life just go right by me. She and I are nothing more than mere roommates.

I told her last week that I wanted a divorce and we had a calm conversation about it. But now huge fear, doubt, and intrepidness have crept in about how my adult kids will take this, and what it will mean for their future and my little granddaughter who loves us both dearly.

there is a reason so many are divorcing and Grey divorce is a large growth in the last few years and i think will continue.... People until they are in your shoes do not understand and that includes your grown children....
because so many pretend and smile for family gatherings and never share our true pain and anger.... my grown kids are well aware that dad and i are roommates and what drove this action.... if we decided tomorrow to divorce NO one will be blindsided or in denial about the issue.


You have a choice ...........
one is to get out and meet people with your interests many apps for that hiking / biking local clubs..... You can be roommates in all sense of the word do your own thing and she is not invited. then you maintain all finances and the drama of divorce but have your own life...

second is do not threaten it do it divorce and start enjoying your life.... on your own terms. Most who took this route say they wish they did it sooner.
DO not take judgmental remarks for someone who has not been in your situation as they simply do not see it or pretend they don't to avoid seeing their world is not perfect either.

 

[Teacher Terry]

there is a reason so many are divorcing and Grey divorce is a large growth in the last few years and i think will continue.... People until they are in your shoes do not understand and that includes your grown children....
because so many pretend and smile for family gatherings and never share our true pain and anger.... my grown kids are well aware that dad and i are roommates and what drove this action.... if we decided tomorrow to divorce NO one will be blindsided or in denial about the issue.


You have a choice ...........
one is to get out and meet people with your interests many apps for that hiking / biking local clubs..... You can be roommates in all sense of the word do your own thing and she is not invited. then you maintain all finances and the drama of divorce but have your own life...

second is do not threaten it do it divorce and start enjoying your life.... on your own terms. Most who took this route say they wish they did it sooner.
DO not take judgmental remarks for someone who has not been in your situation as they simply do not see it or pretend they don't to avoid seeing their world is not perfect either.

Many seniors can’t afford to divorce and have 2 households so they stay together. I can’t imagine anything more unhealthy unless of course they just fell out of love and are actually friends. But if there’s seething resentment it must be hell.

 

[C50]

Frankly I think when a couple is at a point where they're cheating and kind of hating each other there's no reason to stay together. Life's too precious to waste time trying to fix a relationship that far broken, you will be healthier and happier apart.

 

[ABitGrayandConfused]

there is a reason so many are divorcing and Grey divorce is a large growth in the last few years and i think will continue.... People until they are in your shoes do not understand and that includes your grown children....
because so many pretend and smile for family gatherings and never share our true pain and anger.... my grown kids are well aware that dad and i are roommates and what drove this action.... if we decided tomorrow to divorce NO one will be blindsided or in denial about the issue.


You have a choice ...........
one is to get out and meet people with your interests many apps for that hiking / biking local clubs..... You can be roommates in all sense of the word do your own thing and she is not invited. then you maintain all finances and the drama of divorce but have your own life...

second is do not threaten it do it divorce and start enjoying your life.... on your own terms. Most who took this route say they wish they did it sooner.
DO not take judgmental remarks for someone who has not been in your situation as they simply do not see it or pretend they don't to avoid seeing their world is not perfect either.

Jeni, I very much appreciate these kind words. I may be doing a lousy job of trying to explain how or why things are the way they are but, suffice it to say that its been a long time coming waaaaaay before anything happened. She is NOT seething or mad at me in the least. She has fully forgiven me which I am thankful for. We simply grew apart and have no common interests whatsoever. And I'm just finally tired of living a life alone by myself being utterly unhappy. I have no expectations of something more grandeur after I leave. I'm a realist. But in the 2 years I was separated and living alone I learned a LOT about myself and in some way, I think prepared me to launch.

I'm 60yrs old but, a very young 60. And I say that humbly. I've always taken very good care of myself working out, mountain biking, etc. I have a youthful exuberance for life. Meaning, I don't sit around thinking or worrying about what tomorrow may bring good or bad.

My full intention starting this OP was simply to learn how to navigate around these feelings I am having about what this will or hopefully won't ultimately do to my adult kids. I know holidays and such will be different but I can no longer worry about those things and will deal with them appropriately head on when it happens.

 

[C50]

Yes, divorce will affect adult children to some degree. Things like holidays and birthdays and basic get togethers get a bit more complicated. In my opinion you (the parent) will want to make things easier for all involved.

If you and the ex don't want to attend little Billy's party at the same time split the day, you get three hours, she gets three hours. Don't guilt the family into splitting their time between houses, you need to accommodate all their schedules even if that means you don't see them on a holiday. Or let them do their thing then you swing by for a visit when it's convenient.

I worried about all that before I got divorced but found everything kind of works itself out.