Gray Divorce and our Adult children

A

ABitGrayandConfused

New Member
I feel very unhappy here in this empty house while married for 37yrs. She has her girlfriends that she goes off on most weekends and does things, and I stay at home doing nothing. I have NO friends that I can or do see most of the time. I mountain bike but I have no one to go do that with either. I am quite lonely and feel isolated as if I am watching my life just go right by me. She and I are nothing more than mere roommates.

I told her last week that I wanted a divorce and we had a calm conversation about it. But now huge fear, doubt, and intrepidness have crept in about how my adult kids will take this, and what it will mean for their future and my little granddaughter who loves us both dearly.
 

ABitGrayandConfused said:
I feel very unhappy here in this empty house while married for 37yrs. She has her girlfriends that she goes off on most weekends and does things, and I stay at home doing nothing. I have NO friends that I can or do see most of the time. I mountain bike but I have no one to go do that with either. I am quite lonely and feel isolated as if I am watching my life just go right by me. She and I are nothing more than mere roommates.

I told her last week that I wanted a divorce and we had a calm conversation about it. But now huge fear, doubt, and intrepidness have crept in about how my adult kids will take this, and what it will mean for their future and my little granddaughter who loves us both dearly.
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This is a major decision. See if you still feel the same way after a week, or a month from now. Communicate your feelings with her. That is so important. Maybe you two can do a weekly outing together (coffee, a movie, a restaurant, etc) and try and work on the relationship. 37 years is not 1 or 2 years. It's almost a lifetime.

Living on your own is a totally different experience with its own set of problems.
 

I don't want to hurt your feelings or make you feel bad but your post is saying basically that you are jealous of your wife. She has a group of friends that are close and like to spend time together. Your lack of a social outlet falls back to you.

Yes, in a marriage you should both like to spend time together. Perhaps both of you do not share common interests. This is the time to explore new and exciting things both of you enjoy.

Do some internet searching for interesting things in your area not specific to either on of you. Tell her about these things, make dates to go to different events. Maybe even some weekend close trips just to change things up. You both need to learn to enjoy each other again.

It does not need to be fancy or expensive, just something to explore together.

Last, you need to get out there and make some new friends that share your interests as men. Find a new biking club, join a gym that has a men league pickle ball team. Try some new things of your own.

Just a few things that could save a life of marriage. Believe me the effort will be worth it. This from a widow that had no choice but to end up alone in my old age.
 
I would try marriage counseling to see if you both want to and can salvage the relationship. Sometimes people are willing to change to make that happen. If not you will know that you tried everything.

Nothing is worse than being in a bad marriage but being single in your senior years is lonely at times and not likely to change. You have a much better chance at finding a new partner when younger.

Read the book “ Too good to leave and too bad to stay.” It’s written by a therapist that gives you exercises to do and it’s really practical and helpful to help you make the right decision for you.
 
I’m sorry A bit gray but you come across as a little petulant and self pitying

The fact that you refer to your wife of 37 years as ‘she’ and ‘ her’during your entire post speaks volumes

There are two sides to every story, it’s hardly your wife’s fault that you ‘have NO friends’, and if you have few hobbies or interests either, it’s NO wonder she has branched out to make an interesting and fun life of her own

There is a new year coming up, fresh beginnings, as Blessed says in her post, you need to get out there, find things you enjoy, meet like minded people, friendships will follow, and be grateful you have your health, children and grandchildren

Divorce is a fact of life, if it comes to it, your family will deal with it like millions of others

Good luck !
 
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ABitGrayandConfused said:
I feel very unhappy here in this empty house while married for 37yrs. She has her girlfriends that she goes off on most weekends and does things, and I stay at home doing nothing. I have NO friends that I can or do see most of the time. I mountain bike but I have no one to go do that with either. I am quite lonely and feel isolated as if I am watching my life just go right by me. She and I are nothing more than mere roommates.

I told her last week that I wanted a divorce and we had a calm conversation about it. But now huge fear, doubt, and intrepidness have crept in about how my adult kids will take this, and what it will mean for their future and my little granddaughter who loves us both dearly.
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I feel for you, how awful is such loneliness within a marriage. But really, you must do what is right for you. This is no marriage any more. It could be a whole new lease of life and freedom for you to become single. On the other hand, it really could mean being alone. You must weigh up the pros and cons of staying as you are or splitting.
 
jujube said:
I was 37 when my parents got divorced. Boy, was that hard to take and blindsided me.

Luckily, a couple of years later, they decided to remarry and we just pretended like those two years didn't exist.
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I'm always fascinated by those who divorce and then remarry. Surely the original problems which were so bad they couldn't stand them, have not gone away? Of course if your parents have been happy to be together again, that's good news.
 
ABitGrayandConfused said:
I feel very unhappy here in this empty house while married for 37yrs. She has her girlfriends that she goes off on most weekends and does things, and I stay at home doing nothing. I have NO friends that I can or do see most of the time. I mountain bike but I have no one to go do that with either. I am quite lonely and feel isolated as if I am watching my life just go right by me. She and I are nothing more than mere roommates.

I told her last week that I wanted a divorce and we had a calm conversation about it. But now huge fear, doubt, and intrepidness have crept in about how my adult kids will take this, and what it will mean for their future and my little granddaughter who loves us both dearly.
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You don't need a divorce. You need a marriage counsellor.
You have a lot more talking to do with your wife before deciding to dissolve a 37 year marriage.
 
Marriage is a two way street that requires effort to maintain. All I read from your post is you blaming your wife for having such a successful social life. You do sound excessively jealous but also sound somewhat demanding. Maybe there’s a reason she’s off with her female friends. You really do sound jealous. Do you come up with ideas of things to do? When’s the last time you took her out on a date? When is the last time you planned something fun? Most things in life that are meaningful in life take effort. From what you’ve written, you seem to be the problem. What are you doing to make this better?
 
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ABitGrayandConfused said:
I feel very unhappy here in this empty house while married for 37yrs. She has her girlfriends that she goes off on most weekends and does things, and I stay at home doing nothing. I have NO friends that I can or do see most of the time. I mountain bike but I have no one to go do that with either. I am quite lonely and feel isolated as if I am watching my life just go right by me. She and I are nothing more than mere roommates.

I told her last week that I wanted a divorce and we had a calm conversation about it. But now huge fear, doubt, and intrepidness have crept in about how my adult kids will take this, and what it will mean for their future and my little granddaughter who loves us both dearly.
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Your adult kids will adjust to a divorce if that is the route you take. As will the granddaughter. I am not saying which to do but I will say that life is too short to be miserable and unhappy.
 
Are you going to be less lonely with a divorce?

My wife and I have quite different personalities as well. But I keep plenty busy with church and ministries and all the auto & home maintenance and remodeling projects. I am the homebody. And my wife is on the go, visiting kids and grandkids and babysitting, which she loves to do. And we go on occasional dates.

Maybe find some community volunteer activity to be involved in. My father-in-law volunteers at local food shelves and attends a weekly community pot-luck in our area. Maybe your wife could even join you.
 
I hate all the negative comments many made on this post. Your wife and you currently do not have a relationship, or you only have one for convenience. The one thing we know for sure is something must change. I agree with what many say here, you must begin by talking in detail with your wife. Find out if she wants to stay in this relationship and if she does, what is she welling to do to begin to bond with you again?

At the same time, you need to get some outside interests, you cannot continue to sit around the house. Pursue an interest you have that you have put off or just stopped doing. If you have nothing like that, try something that you always wanted to do. Sometimes, if a spouse actually sees you pulling away from the home/ family they will have an awakening and open up to you about wanting to change the relationship for the better. Most important is do 'Something', don't continue where you are now....it will not go away.
 
ABitGrayandConfused said:
I feel very unhappy here in this empty house while married for 37yrs. She has her girlfriends that she goes off on most weekends and does things, and I stay at home doing nothing. I have NO friends that I can or do see most of the time. I mountain bike but I have no one to go do that with either. I am quite lonely and feel isolated as if I am watching my life just go right by me. She and I are nothing more than mere roommates.

I told her last week that I wanted a divorce and we had a calm conversation about it. But now huge fear, doubt, and intrepidness have crept in about how my adult kids will take this, and what it will mean for their future and my little granddaughter who loves us both dearly.
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You're not alone in this, but your post isn't entirely clear.

You're unhappy, and your wife and yourself are "mere roommates". That seems to be why you want a divorce. Boredom?

Let me preface the rest of my post by saying - as people on the forum know - I'm going through a hell of time myself right now. My partner and I have been together 30 years, and to say I'm in a living nightmare is to leave out the bad bits. I don't even have a roommate! I have to tread on eggshells, and any time I try to have a discussion I get my head bitten off. EVERY DAMN MINUTE OF EVERY DAY. So I know just a little about the issue (though not everything!)

This led me to consider which of my actions brought us to this point. I've found a lot to be sorry for. Not cheating, or physically abusing, but just life choices I made that were selfish and ill-considered. I need to take the burden of the mistakes *I* made, and subtract that out from what has gone wrong in the marriage when it comes to blame or responsibility. I suggest you do the same.

Next - the roommate comment. This is also something I think about a lot. My wife was calm, caring, and we had a lot of fun together. Intimacy was great. I'd like all of that to return to what it was. But then I also consider - we're OLD. I mean, a bad marriage can cause problems, but age will do it too! I mean, a nice mini-skirt of a 20 year old can look great, on a 60+ lady - not so much. This is no less true of me, as a man. I ain't 18 anymore. There are things I'd love to do, but frankly know at the back of my mind I couldn't even if the opportunity presented itself. It's all a bit of a ruse to try to escape being old. :D

What I'm saying is, at some point a long-term marriage evolves. I don't care who you are, it becomes..... a strong friendship, a partnership. The twinkle will likely fall from your eye, the lust, and yes - a lot of the excitement. That doesn't mean the marriage is over, only that life has happened. The commitment can still be strong.

My questions to you would be many, but I'll ask these first:

1) What is it that you've done to bring about your current circumstances?
2) What is it that you want out of your marriage right now and in the future?
3) How have you and your wife grown apart, and what was your contribution to it?
4) What do you hope to gain from a divorce?
5) What does your future look like if you split?
6) What would your ideal situation look like, what do you think would happen if you divorced?

I will say on a final note - my wife and I shared interests to an extent. But most of the time? No. She had the things she loved to do, places she wanted to go, friends etc. And I had mine. I actually thought that was a strength in our marriage, she had freedom to be who she was, and to do what she wanted. I did too. I personally think this is healthy.

Keep in mind, I've messed up myself. I'm right in it. In fact, I don't like thinking about it at this point because I see no end to it. A little fun would be great. But you know, 30 damn years! I'm well aware, I have nothing to offer another woman. I could live alone, and I'm happy to do so. But at the same time, a nice lady is really great to have around.

I hope you find peace.
 
Folks, I am limited to only 130 words as I am brand new on here. That's why my OP was so short and missing a great bit of information that I had to delete.

I want to elaborate some more per some of the things said above but I am STILL limited to 130 words and I don't know how to change that.

Any help on how to change this to unlimited like some of you seem to have?
 
ABitGrayandConfused said:
Folks, I am limited to only 130 words as I am brand new on here. That's why my OP was so short and missing a great bit of information that I had to delete.

I want to elaborate some more per some of the things said above but I am STILL limited to 130 words and I don't know how to change that.

Any help on how to change this to unlimited like some of you seem to have?
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You are limited to 130 words per paragraph. Once you have your paragraph, then you hit the return key to start a new paragraph and keep writing until you hit the next 130 words. Does that make sense?
 
ABitGrayandConfused said:
Folks, I am limited to only 130 words as I am brand new on here. That's why my OP was so short and missing a great bit of information that I had to delete.

I want to elaborate some more per some of the things said above but I am STILL limited to 130 words and I don't know how to change that.

Any help on how to change this to unlimited like some of you seem to have?
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I think you may have misunderstood the robotic message you received. It has to do with paragraphs. 130 words per paragraph limit . Talk away
 
Folks, I was limited to only 130 words for my first post so I had to delete a LOT of stuff that I had spewed out onto my laptop last night. So I can understand the opinions from some that there may be some things missing, and that I sound even jealous. Nothing could be FURTHER from the truth about her friends and active life. In fact, I told her last week during our discussion that I was jealous, but in a very GOOD way. Meaning I was so glad that she had gf's to go and do the things she loves to do! And I've never kept her from doing any of it as well. It only amplifies my lack of making friends over the years.

That's all. And now I sit wondering if it's still possible for ME to make new friends and be happy. Yes I have taken her out but even while out felt a million miles away from her.

She, my 2 kids, and myself always had a steadfast devotion to attending church from the day they were born. Both are in their early 30's now. One is married with my only grandchild. My Dad and mom are still married at 62yrs. My brother and sister both have been married 35yrs+ as well. So the word "divorce" has never entered ANY of our lips. I feel like I am also letting them down, mainly my kids. As they've not been around that traumatic event in their lives. I've had my trysts that have hurt my wife. I could sit here and give a litany of excuses why but in the end, it has hurt my wife and now I think we both know things are completely dead between us.

There is ZERO romance, excitement, nor do we have one thing in common that we could do together I'm afraid. I simply just don't like the things she does with her gf's to be honest. I am an avid mountain biker so I do have something to enjoy but usually it's a "go it alone" thing as planning to ride with anyone else can be challenging due to life, family, etc.

Do I expect for my life to be filled with wonder days and excitement? Absolutely not. I am moving out and closer to where I work because the hour long commute is KILLING me and I've already "been there, done that" earlier in my career. This Atlanta traffic is the WORST! Where I'm moving I don't know a soul. But I had planned on joining a local Divorce support group to help me in the beginning. And hopefully find some places (other than sports bars, etc.) that I can find some activities to attend.

I am more concerned about my kids and granddaughter. What this will do to them now, and later. I stayed in a miserable marriage far too long FOR the kids, and now I feel like staying any longer would be for them again. We were separated and I moved out in 2020 and 2021 so it's not like they would be overly shocked by the announcement but I believe that even then they held out hope we would reconcile. I moved back in Jan. of 2022 until today. And not one. single. thing has changed whatsoever between us. We are roommates at the very best. Thankfully we never fuss, fight, or argue.

Listen, I really do appreciate everyone's advice, wisdom, and opinions. As you can see, it's all over the place. I guess what I am trying to discover is those who knew breaking this news to their adult children would hurt them and how you came to the place where it was a must.

P.S. Thanks for the heads up on the 130 words! lol
 


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