Grief over ex spouse

I can only answer this as "the daughter of". My mother died a few years ago. My father is still close to my maternal grandmother (my grandfather passed since, also). We included him and his new partner on the funeral card as "father of...". He was sad, for a while, but I feel that he's doing ok now. He was also visiting her often in the weeks leading up to her death, my parents were better friends than partners to each other.

I think, if you're still close to the family, that you probably would process it the way a current spouse would, or the way a close friend would.
 

I have had two ex spouses die and I was not in their lives at all so It didn't really affect me that much. My son's father (he was not his biological father but he adopted him and treated my son as if he was his real son) died under unusual circumstances (no funeral or anything). I had reason to wonder if he was put in a witness protection program so it was a strange situation. My son handled it okay. Since there was no funeral I did not have to meet with his relatives. My son and I did go visit his stepmother afterwards and I was nice to her (but not in my mind).
 
My husband passed away very suddenly in October. It was such a shock, and still is. My life has been turned upside down.

He has 3 adult kids from a previous marriage. Two live in AZ and one in CA. They are no longer in my life. A few things happened after their dad died and I have cut ties with them. My son lives just 40 miles from me but has not had anything to do with me for over 10 years. Basically, I'm alone. Thank God I'm a strong person and I have a strong faith that's kept me going. I have handled everything myself. I have good days and bad days but that's to be expected, I'm told.

I feel bad that none of his kids or any of his family has contacted me to even see how I'm doing. The only family I have is a couple cousins that live in another state (where I was raised) but we haven't seen each other in years. I keep busy every day. I have a fairly large house and there's always something to do. I have hobbies also. I have a couple neighbor ladies that I'm friends with. I've never been a socializer so joining clubs, etc. doesn't interest me. I was so use to being with my late husband 24/7 ever since he retired in 2001, it seems strange to be without him....but I do talk to him all the time. He's still with me :)
 
Colleen said:
My husband passed away very suddenly in October. It was such a shock, and still is. My life has been turned upside down.

He has 3 adult kids from a previous marriage. Two live in AZ and one in CA. They are no longer in my life. A few things happened after their dad died and I have cut ties with them. My son lives just 40 miles from me but has not had anything to do with me for over 10 years. Basically, I'm alone. Thank God I'm a strong person and I have a strong faith that's kept me going. I have handled everything myself. I have good days and bad days but that's to be expected, I'm told.

I feel bad that none of his kids or any of his family has contacted me to even see how I'm doing. The only family I have is a couple cousins that live in another state (where I was raised) but we haven't seen each other in years. I keep busy every day. I have a fairly large house and there's always something to do. I have hobbies also. I have a couple neighbor ladies that I'm friends with. I've never been a socializer so joining clubs, etc. doesn't interest me. I was so use to being with my late husband 24/7 ever since he retired in 2001, it seems strange to be without him....but I do talk to him all the time. He's still with me :)
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I'm very sorry for your loss and hearing of it brings up my own dread of losing mine. But I'm glad you are strong and have settled interests. I think it'll be the same for me.

I don't think I'd want to date for the sake of looking for romantic interest. But checking in with someone to compare days could be nice. I wonder if it is possible to go on dates where you just hang out at one or other person's house and kind of be a presence in the background? That might come closer to what is missed. Here is a flower pic to cheer you just a little.

53822265818_b91b7bf8cb_c.jpg
 
My first wife died about 3 years after we divorced. The kids were 7, 5, and 3 years old when she was killed in a car wreck.

Her parents and I had a good relationship, so there weren't any difficulties to handle, fortunately.

Except...I just remembered; my wife's mom wanted to take the kids home after the funeral and keep them for a few days. That was fine with me - the kids spent occasional weekends with them and went on day trips with them and stuff - but my ex-father-in-law took me aside and said that probly wasn't a good idea that weekend because my mother-in-law was too bereaved. He was afraid she'd cry too much and be too emotional around the kids, so he asked me to wait a few weeks.

Made sense, so that's what we did.
 
my friend is currently back in the town where her ex lived. He just died and she is there for their kids and the extended family but now she is experiencing her own grief in the midst of theirs. i don't know what I can do from 10 hours away.
 
Colleen said:
My husband passed away very suddenly in October. It was such a shock, and still is. My life has been turned upside down.

He has 3 adult kids from a previous marriage. Two live in AZ and one in CA. They are no longer in my life. A few things happened after their dad died and I have cut ties with them. My son lives just 40 miles from me but has not had anything to do with me for over 10 years. Basically, I'm alone. Thank God I'm a strong person and I have a strong faith that's kept me going. I have handled everything myself. I have good days and bad days but that's to be expected, I'm told.

I feel bad that none of his kids or any of his family has contacted me to even see how I'm doing. The only family I have is a couple cousins that live in another state (where I was raised) but we haven't seen each other in years. I keep busy every day. I have a fairly large house and there's always something to do. I have hobbies also. I have a couple neighbor ladies that I'm friends with. I've never been a socializer so joining clubs, etc. doesn't interest me. I was so use to being with my late husband 24/7 ever since he retired in 2001, it seems strange to be without him....but I do talk to him all the time. He's still with me :)
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I have heard stories like this so many times. The way people behave after bereavement can often awful. Far from being supportive, those you thought you knew and could trust can be just the opposite. It is so hard.
 
Rose65 said:
I have heard stories like this so many times. The way people behave after bereavement can often awful. Far from being supportive, those you thought you knew and could trust can be just the opposite. It is so hard.
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I've seen and heard of that often Rose. Astonishingly it happened within my family as well.
As for the OP: My ex's death didn't affect me at all. We weren't together long enough and the short time we were together was one of the most disappointing times in my life.
 
Husband #1, (i think i've talked about this on other threads over the years i've been a member)we were not legally divorced because i couldn't afford lawyer (even for no-fault, no property disputes and a shared custody agreement already notarized between us). We'd been living apart for at least 18 months one of our twins with each of us. But for 3 months prior to his death in different states because he was making my life so difficult and the fighting was not good for the boys either.

Luckily my sister lived in same town so when Dean was murdered she heard the news and went to police with copy of our custody agreement and raised hell till they gave the slightly younger of our twins to her, to bring to me. She did by end of that week, it was December and just before Christmas so my focus was on the boys. The grief didn't hit me till i got copy of death certificate in early January. i cried hard (boys were in day care at the time). The first couple of years i grieved again as the anniversary approached. i started doing a ritual that helped ease it. But it still visits sometimes. When Grandson was born, as my boys became middle aged.

Husband #2, Had been friends for years, marriage was brief we separated when i was 6-7 months pregnant with my daughter. He contributed support till she was 3 months old but i had been good friends with his sister and we maintained a contact and i never denied him visits. He died of natural causes (likely substance abuses in youth and continued alcohol consumption had weakened some organs and he had Hep C at some point). i was sad but not like with #1. Family sent DD some of his Eagle statues, pictures and some of his ashes.

Husband #3, Still alive as far as i know. This is the one who stalked me for two different periods of time long after we divorced. The second time resulted in a restraining order because he was working at UW and tho he'd stopped the first time after his supervisor talked to him a few years later he started up again and this time used the intra-email system to send a veiled threat. Most of men in my office didn't recognize as such but a police officer did, and suggested my options. i was angrier because my DD now also worked on campus, and his words and actions caused her a lot of anxiety. If i were to learn he died, we'd both feel relief.
 
Disinfranchised grief is what I have heard it called. Some relatives who died had their exspouses at their funerals and some family members were not ok with it.
 
funsearcher! said:
Disinfranchised grief is what I have heard it called. Some relatives who died had their exspouses at their funerals and some family members were not ok with it.
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My ex lives about 45 minutes away and comes by to take our son out to lunch about once a month. We've always been on polite terms. I like his wife, but haven't seen her in many years. We divorced in 1978 after an 11 year marriage.

If he dies I'd like to go to the funeral with my son, but I would hate to upset his wife in any way. Thoughts?
 
Della said:
My ex lives about 45 minutes away and comes by to take our son out to lunch about once a month. We've always been on polite terms. I like his wife, but haven't seen her in many years. We divorced in 1978 after an 11 year marriage.

If he dies I'd like to go to the funeral with my son, but I would hate to upset his wife in any way. Thoughts?
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If he dies perhaps have your son, who would be expected to attend ask if she would be ok with you attending also.
 
I would feel as if I had one less enemy to worry about.
 

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