Growing apart

J

Jeni

Senior Member
I had this discussion with some friends recently though i could see what wisdom or insight i can gain here.

I always thought long term marriages were the ideal ..... I remember my grandparents celebration of 50 years ....
really bought the til death do us part and for those on this site that had that i applaud you......

But there are moments where it does not seem worth it. How long is too long..... so you fake it ....as "Until Death due us part" becomes a GOAL not a promise.

We grow as people at different rates ..... we like different things and some lose interest in doing anything.
It has been a difficult year of really seeing how far we are apart and only one person is even trying at this point to make it work.

A larger group then i imagined are simply just not happy in their relationship.......... but stay together for what ?
The kids who are all grown anyway. Simply too hard to split finances ?

A friend fakes all is fine................. even though her husband was clear in stating publicly (in our neighborhood) that he simply can not stand her anymore .........they live on opposite end of their home do nothing together. Even eat and drive places in separate cars etc.

Only fake nice for their kid who is darn near 50 .... why do people do this?
 

Jeni said:

Growing apart​

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There is no answer to your question. I’ve been thinking about this lately …. yes lately I have been thinking about it a lot. I haven’t come up with any one-size-fits-all answer but I have a couple of ideas or theories.

The answer might lie in reversing the question. Not “what am I doing with him/her?” but “what would life be without him/her?” Living alone isn’t so easy when you get older and few of us are as stubborn as Gary O’. And personally, I cannot bear to think about meeting “someone new”. Dating? Oh, no, please not that!

“The spark”. How honest do you want me to be? How deeply do you want to see into my soul? The truth? The truth is that I am still very deeply in love with my wife. I get dreamy-eyed when I look at her and I long to hold her in my arms with my cheek against hers, but it ain't happening. It isn’t me who's lost “the spark”. But I hang on.
 
Verisure said:
There is no answer to your question. I’ve been thinking about this lately …. yes lately I have been thinking about it a lot. I haven’t come up with any one-size-fits-all answer but I have a couple of ideas or theories.

The answer might lie in reversing the question. Not “what am I doing with him/her?” but “what would life be without him/her?” Living alone isn’t so easy when you get older and few of us are as stubborn as Gary O’. And personally, I cannot bear to think about meeting “someone new”. Dating? Oh, no, please not that!

“The spark”. How honest do you want me to be? How deeply do you want to see into my soul? The truth? The truth is that I am still very deeply in love with my wife. I get dreamy-eyed when I look at her and I long to hold her in my arms with my cheek against hers, but it ain't happening. It isn’t me who's lost “the spark”. But I hang on.
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well i guess i am not the only person pondering this.....
i know as we age maybe the spark fades a bit..... but always assumed the mutual respect and friendship would continue.

"What would life be like without" .........is a question i ponder and honestly think i am ALONE now what is the difference

my spouse was recently hospitalized with a heart issue ... he put off care until almost too late....
no visitors are allowed here at hospital the phone to hospital was constantly overwhelmed so could not get info that way... he was useless in sharing his diagnosis etc. after 37 years of marriage i am treated like a in home caregiver ......NOPE
All i could think of was rooms i would need to paint and repair to put house on the market .......... and packing up things if he died ....so i could move closer to my grandkids......

He came home and now his dietary restrictions he decided are MINE too ..... NOPE
he was more interested in playing a video game he missed while in hospital ......
 
Jeni said:
..... "What would life be like without" .........is a question i ponder and honestly think i am ALONE now what is the difference .....
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When I read this part I thought, "Geeze Louise, there's a big difference!" but then I read the rest of it and .....

Jeni said:
.....
my spouse was recently hospitalized with a heart issue ... he put off care until almost too late....
no visitors are allowed here at hospital the phone to hospital was constantly overwhelmed so could not get info that way... he was useless in sharing his diagnosis etc. after 37 years of marriage i am treated like a in home caregiver ......NOPE
All i could think of was rooms i would need to paint and repair to put house on the market .......... and packing up things if he died ....so i could move closer to my grandkids......

He came home and now his dietary restrictions he decided are MINE too ..... NOPE
he was more interested in playing a video game he missed while in hospital ......
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... now I'm not so sure.
 
Reading all of the above makes me feel reasonably content that I am on my own.
Have been for 40 years or so ( he 'wandered' after 21 years ) and while there were times when I wished I had some one in my life on a permanent basis I have to admit that it was the best thing that happened then as I know that I could not have lived with this man all these years and others who came in to my life.
Yes I had two proposals but the thought of rearranging my life to suit someone else was just not for me.
I don't have too many married friends left but I can honestly say they are just 'existing' with the other person
Just my thoughts folks....
 
You'll give no worth to words from a widow, as I am not in a relationship, but I hope you'll let me express my views.
i think, not too long in the future, the whole institution of marriage will come into serious review.

To me, a little love is no love at all.
Unless it's a mad, passionate, magical, extraordinary love, it's a waste of time.
Unless you look across the room and think to yourself, "My God, How I love this man!".
Unless you can do that, it has become a cordial, comfortable desolation, a resignation.
Then, are you no more than roommates?

Jeni has articulated this feeling perfectly!
I've watched old married couples in restaurants, never looking at each other, never talking.
They just stare at the table until the waitress brings the food. and, I want to cry for them!
 
Gaer said:
You'll give no worth to words from a widow, as I am not in a relationship, but I hope you'll let me express my views.
i think, not too long in the future, the whole institution of marriage will come into serious review.

To me, a little love is no love at all.
Unless it's a mad, passionate, magical, extraordinary love, it's a waste of time.
Unless you look across the room and think to yourself, "My God, How I love this man!".
Unless you can do that, it has become a cordial, comfortable desolation, a resignation.
Then, are you no more than roommates?

Jeni has articulated this feeling perfectly!
I've watched old married couples in restaurants, never looking at each other, never talking.
They just stare at the table until the waitress brings the food. and, I want to cry for them!
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Thank you for your post. Many here on the forum bring a lifetime of experience to add insight and i appreciate the perspectives
I could not agree more about "a little love is NO love at all"
it is incredibly sad to watch those who live as sometimes not even cordial roommates.

In looking across the room if you ask yourself what did you see in this person ?
If you are constantly amazed at the complete disconnect and then you resign yourself to stay together for finances ... for pride that see we are still together etc .....even when others SEE the issue.
 
Jeni said:
Thank you for your post. Many here on the forum bring a lifetime of experience to add insight and i appreciate the perspectives
I could not agree more about "a little love is NO love at all"
it is incredibly sad to watch those who live as sometimes not even cordial roommates.

In looking across the room if you ask yourself what did you see in this person ?
If you are constantly amazed at the complete disconnect and then you resign yourself to stay together for finances ... for pride that see we are still together etc .....even when others SEE the issue.
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Finances ! Bingo.
 
Different couples have different reasons. I think "staying together for the kids" is one of the worst reasons because children can sense the tension, anger and maybe even hatred and it's not good for them, especially younger ones. My personal theory is that of the 50% of marriages that do not end in divorce probably only half of those are happy...maybe not even that many. Some stay for the convenience, others because it would cause a financial hardship if they divorced, some follow the saying "Stick with the evil you know".

I know two couples who lived in the same house due to financial reasons but were divorced. Each of those who were my friends (I never knew their ex's) dated and their ex-spouses were cool with that. I used to tease the male friend asking him what his prospective GFs thought of his arrangement. I think everyone deserves to find happiness in this life. Staying in a miserable marriage certainly is not the way to do that. But some people feel they have no choice.
 
I don't have a desire to date.......... but would appreciate a dinner that did not have someone lost in their phone or TV.
Do not see the point if staying in same house etc to bother divorcing seems like a waste of money for legal fees.
I guess i am just becoming disillusioned as I see more living in a miserable situation.
 
Jeni said:
Thank you for your post. Many here on the forum bring a lifetime of experience to add insight and i appreciate the perspectives
I could not agree more about "a little love is NO love at all"
it is incredibly sad to watch those who live as sometimes not even cordial roommates.

In looking across the room if you ask yourself what did you see in this person ?
If you are constantly amazed at the complete disconnect and then you resign yourself to stay together for finances ... for pride that see we are still together etc .....even when others SEE the issue.
Click to expand...
Jeri, You express your feelings so beautifully.
But, Isn't this living a half-life?
Money (finances) is meaningless.
Love is ALL!
I would rather live in poverty, IN LOVE, than live in mediocrity, in the mundane.
but, I am a strange duck! Don't go by me.
To me, Life should be an adventure. if it isn't, it's no life at all!

I agree individuals grow in different ways, and my feelings have little merit in most marriages.
People get married for more and better happiness, not for finances. right?
 
@Sachet, If you are unhappily married, do you consider an "online friend" as cheating? What if you fall in love with this friend because there is communication that you have long ceased having with your spouse?
 
I have thought about that situation myself.
I have had friends that told me they fell in love online never met the person in real life ....
i thought that was different.
People warn of scams and people looking to deceive someone.....
but if you do find someone to chat with and they are in similar situation of a loveless marriage etc.
Is that an emotional affair ... would it lead to an actual affair ?
 
Jeni said:
I had this discussion with some friends recently though i could see what wisdom or insight i can gain here.

I always thought long term marriages were the ideal ..... I remember my grandparents celebration of 50 years ....
really bought the til death do us part and for those on this site that had that i applaud you......

But there are moments where it does not seem worth it. How long is too long..... so you fake it ....as "Until Death due us part" becomes a GOAL not a promise.

We grow as people at different rates ..... we like different things and some lose interest in doing anything.
It has been a difficult year of really seeing how far we are apart and only one person is even trying at this point to make it work.

A larger group then i imagined are simply just not happy in their relationship.......... but stay together for what ?
The kids who are all grown anyway. Simply too hard to split finances ?

A friend fakes all is fine................. even though her husband was clear in stating publicly (in our neighborhood) that he simply can not stand her anymore .........they live on opposite end of their home do nothing together. Even eat and drive places in separate cars etc.

Only fake nice for their kid who is darn near 50 .... why do people do this?
Click to expand...
Also it's hard to start over when you're older.
 

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