Growing apart

I contemplated separating about 4 years ago. The main reason was I was so unhappy with where we moved to that I just couldn't get past being resentful because this was his idea, not mine.

I sat down with pencil and paper and listed all finances and what it would cost to separate. I was 70 at the time and thought about how hard it would be to move back to my hometown by myself and I could not live on my SS alone.

I stayed with him. He's basically a good man and I could be having a very rough time without his financial support if I had left.

I became more distant from him but we "get along" and in the last 6 months or so we've gotten past that tough patch and just when I'd talked myself into making peace with the fact that I'd be stuck here (in this God-awful town), he said he was ready to go back "home"...if I was still interested in doing that.

I can't say that there's "love" between us like when we were younger and all dreamy-eyed and naïve, but we're comfortable with each other. The intimacy is long gone but friendship and caring about each other is just as rewarding.
 

I think as life experiences change, I can see friendships drifting apart. In marriages, once two people get into a comfortable routine I can see changes as well. I think we can that once we spend more time together it happens. I think it is important for couples to find their own separate interests and routines.
Some people have the notion that in order to have a happy, successful marriage, a couple must spend ALL their time together, and share ALL the same interests. Not realistic. what comes to mind is when I was planning a lunch date with two HS friends, who I had not seen in a while. One was great with the plans, the other had to "check when her husband was available" as they always did everything together. She would not even consider the notion of doing something with out him. She will be lost when he passes. And devistated.
and Feelings of love change...not go away, just change.
 
Colleen said:
I contemplated separating about 4 years ago. The main reason was I was so unhappy with where we moved to that I just couldn't get past being resentful because this was his idea, not mine.

I sat down with pencil and paper and listed all finances and what it would cost to separate. I was 70 at the time and thought about how hard it would be to move back to my hometown by myself and I could not live on my SS alone.

I stayed with him. He's basically a good man and I could be having a very rough time without his financial support if I had left.

I became more distant from him but we "get along" and in the last 6 months or so we've gotten past that tough patch and just when I'd talked myself into making peace with the fact that I'd be stuck here (in this God-awful town), he said he was ready to go back "home"...if I was still interested in doing that.

I can't say that there's "love" between us like when we were younger and all dreamy-eyed and naïve, but we're comfortable with each other. The intimacy is long gone but friendship and caring about each other is just as rewarding.
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Wow could have written that whole post
we have moved to a place i dislike i have no interest in living here. I have some financial independence and in my 50s can still work ... actually all 3 of my grown children have offered places to live with them and their spouses.
I keep hoping his complete disconnect he has developed in about the last 2 years would come to a halt and he would snap out of it and we could be reasonable roommates but alas do not see that happening
 

after 64 years together we still find things to talk about, he still makes me laugh, and I still make him laugh. Most of the time he reads , I play on the computer and watch TV. What would I do without the person I dearly love who is also my most trusted best friend? I know he feels the same.
 
Marie5656 said:
I think as life experiences change, I can see friendships drifting apart. In marriages, once two people get into a comfortable routine I can see changes as well. I think we can that once we spend more time together it happens. I think it is important for couples to find their own separate interests and routines.
Some people have the notion that in order to have a happy, successful marriage, a couple must spend ALL their time together, and share ALL the same interests. Not realistic. what comes to mind is when I was planning a lunch date with two HS friends, who I had not seen in a while. One was great with the plans, the other had to "check when her husband was available" as they always did everything together. She would not even consider the notion of doing something with out him. She will be lost when he passes. And devistated.
and Feelings of love change...not go away, just change.
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Thank you for this perspective.
I am all for other interests and pursuits .......just expect respect and basic interest in the other person.
 
@Jeni, If you are only in your 50's, all options are open to you! Picture yourself five years from now!
What do you want to happen in your life? I don't advocate breaking up marriages but you are so young,
and there are so many possibilities!
When I was your age, I drove to Alaska by myself and camped out for a year! .(where I met a big handsome hunk!)
(my late husband)
On the other hand, maybe a good marriage therapist will bring him around.
Don't make any decisions based on fear. Wish I could be of more help to you.
 
My daughter-in-law's parents were constantly fighting. You'd think they hated each other. Why they didn't divorce, I don't know. Then, she died of cancer. He was distraught, a lost soul for a long time. Was it guilt, or was there really some love there?

We are not the same people we were when we were young. We have some memories of that person, but we aren't him or her. Even most of the cells in our bodies have been replaced. It's a wonder if love can persist at all.

My wife and I have been married 60 years this last September. We still love each other, but it's a different kind of love. We kiss each evening and hug occasionally, but never cuddle. It's more of a sister brother feeling. We look after each other. Sure, we've had bad moments. But we've always worked things out. It must be tough to live with somebody you really don't like.
 
Grampa Don said:
My daughter-in-law's parents were constantly fighting. You'd think they hated each other. Why they didn't divorce, I don't know. Then, she died of cancer. He was distraught, a lost soul for a long time. Was it guilt, or was there really some love there?

We are not the same people we were when we were young. We have some memories of that person, but we aren't him or her. Even most of the cells in our bodies have been replaced. It's a wonder if love can persist at all.

My wife and I have been married 60 years this last September. We still love each other, but it's a different kind of love. We kiss each evening and hug occasionally, but never cuddle. It's more of a sister brother feeling. We look after each other. Sure, we've had bad moments. But we've always worked things out. It must be tough to live with somebody you really don't like.
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Thank you for this ..
Yes we all seem to know someone who seems like you described with your daughter in laws parents...... My guess is guilt over love but who knows. I know my spouse will have no one if i leave or pass as the kids only tolerate him for ME.

My husband often says things like he is just not good at expressing himself or blames his inability to effectively communicate on a bad childhood....... like seriously you are playing that card after 37 years give me a break.
I gave him space to work out whatever issue if it was depression or something but one can only tolerate so much
 
Gaer said:
@Jeni, If you are only in your 50's, all options are open to you! Picture yourself five years from now!
What do you want to happen in your life? I don't advocate breaking up marriages but you are so young,
and there are so many possibilities!
When I was your age, I drove to Alaska by myself and camped out for a year! .(where I met a big handsome hunk!)
(my late husband)
On the other hand, maybe a good marriage therapist will bring him around.
Don't make any decisions based on fear. Wish I could be of more help to you.
Click to expand...
I totally agree. She is young and when I was her age, I was very independent and didn't think anything about getting in my car and driving from PA, where I lived, to MI to see my parents. I did a lot of things by myself and just got through some scary situations that I think back on now and wonder how I survived, but I always had the courage to get out of a bad relationship...even one where he put a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me.

If she truly is unhappy, I'd tell her to stop wasting time and make a life for herself. Don't keep making excuses because she's afraid. Don't "settle".
 
Colleen said:
....... The intimacy is long gone ......
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You're not the first one on this thread to say that. I have to tell you that seeing others in the same situation gives me a lot of comfort. I mean, that I'm not alone and others can cope with it. I should probably take heed and stop being so childish thinking that romance lasts forever. Who am I to be so lucky while *everyone* else just accepts the inevitable with grace?
 
Colleen said:
I totally agree. She is young and when I was her age, I was very independent and didn't think anything about getting in my car and driving from PA, where I lived, to MI to see my parents. I did a lot of things by myself and just got through some scary situations that I think back on now and wonder how I survived, but I always had the courage to get out of a bad relationship...even one where he put a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me.

If she truly is unhappy, I'd tell her to stop wasting time and make a life for herself. Don't keep making excuses because she's afraid. Don't "settle".
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it is not about being afraid ... it is about more a bigger picture type thing. i have done plenty on my own and do NOT need a him for things.
Just was asking people about their perspective as some have been very helpful in stating their relationships .....have changed and while not all are ideal they carry on...
I have seen too many jump into what they feel at the moment ......sometimes without clear reflection.
i was just amazed i guess that the situation of relationships changing is not as rare.... as i guess i had assumed. Call me naive but i felt why am I having trouble making things last but perhaps it is just the nature of the beast.

Could list many an occasion that i watched folks think the grass was greener on the other side only to find out it was not......and the fallout often included others. Friends and family frayed because they decided to pick sides or whatever.

I went through a dark time in a deep depression and he could have left ........but stuck with me through a tough time ... It is NOT an abusive situation just we no longer seem to connect.

i guess i feel that perhaps this funk or situation that has really only shown up withing the last couple of years is not some struggle he is having. Also with his latest health scare makes me look like a jerk for not supporting him until this is either better or we know where this will land.

Frustrated.... yes
Afraid ....NO
 
My partner and I have been together for 30 years. Yes, the intimacy was important in the beginning, but now it is the intellectual engagement that matters. We have some similar interests that we enjoy together and some individual interests that we enjoy separately. The acknowledgment of our independence and the need to spend time alone has kept us together. Yes, we have had our rough patches, but we have decided we are destined to be together. We do laugh a lot, and that helps!
 
dseag2 said:
My partner and I have been together for 30 years. Yes, the intimacy was important in the beginning, but now it is the intellectual engagement that matters. We have some similar interests that we enjoy together and some individual interests that we enjoy separately. The acknowledgment of our independence and the need to spend time alone has kept us together. Yes, we have had our rough patches, but we have decided we are destined to be together. We do laugh a lot, and that helps!
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We used to laugh a lot .... occasionally still do but it rare anymore. i used to think that our own pursuits and interests and things would be enough........ but being alone in a room while they sit 15 feet away is getting really OLD quickly.
i guess i was expecting much more at this point ..... he tells me how much he loves me daily ..................but at some point i would think he could show it instead of just saying it.
If he truly feels that way perhaps he could see how his actions speak differently
 
Let me share this story...

I sometimes resented my partner because I worked hard into my 60's and he "retired" at 50. I was the one who kept the household going by working my butt off. He did manage our household, meeting with repairmen and contractors, while I traveled. In June 2020, when I lost my job due to Covid he went back to work so we could have reasonable health insurance. He has been working since August 2020, and I now manage the household responsibilities. One never knows what the other person is capable of.

Sit down with him and have a candid conversation about what he is willing to contribute. If he is unwilling to commit, if he only tells you he loves you and doesn't demonstrate it in daily life, move on.
 
Jeni said:
..... he tells me how much he loves me daily ..................but at some point i would think he could show it instead of just saying it.
If he truly feels that way perhaps he could see how his actions speak differently
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Have you ever wanted something but were afraid to ask because you are afraid of rejection or because you feel unworthy of it?
 
Verisure said:
Have you ever wanted something but were afraid to ask because you are afraid of rejection or because you feel unworthy of it?
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i have been very vocal ..................I have pointed out the inconsistency in his words vs action. he is older then me and seems to think i am being too hard on him

He knows he needs to do things but refuses to help himself. reminds me of "leading a horse to water but can't make him drink"

His hearing is damaged due to 30 years of working on industrial machines ... will he go get hearing aids...... nope.
Instead he answers people with nonsensical answers because he CANT hear them. Grand kids think he is a riot cause he makes no sense and they are 6 yr old and younger.

He had open heart surgery as a child in the 60s (very experimental ) and now seems surprised he is having heart issues... seriously i am shocked it had not come up before.
Need to lose weight but then cleans out his vehicle and throws fast food wrappers out in our bin ... like be smarter and throw that away at a fuel station or something not making it clear to me what you are doing to sabotage our healthy eating at home.

This last year was a lot about me taking charge after my position was eliminated where i was working............. i took on home projects and planned a vacation last summer with our daughters family. Yet he took credit for my work in front of daughter and son in law.
He said he always wanted to do a big family vacation but we never managed i told him these require planning and prep and he is last minute dude who seems perplexed that no one can make it......... I also started an exercise routine and lost weight and shaped up.... he seems threatened in a way about those things
 
Jeni said:
i have been very vocal ..................I have pointed out the inconsistency in his words vs action. he is older then me and seems to think i am being too hard on him

He knows he needs to do things but refuses to help himself. reminds me of "leading a horse to water but can't make him drink"

His hearing is damaged due to 30 years of working on industrial machines ... will he go get hearing aids...... nope.
Instead he answers people with nonsensical answers because he CANT hear them. Grand kids think he is a riot cause he makes no sense and they are 6 yr old and younger.

He had open heart surgery as a child in the 60s (very experimental ) and now seems surprised he is having heart issues... seriously i am shocked it had not come up before.
Need to lose weight but then cleans out his vehicle and throws fast food wrappers out in our bin ... like be smarter and throw that away at a fuel station or something not making it clear to me what you are doing to sabotage our healthy eating at home.

This last year was a lot about me taking charge after my position was eliminated where i was working............. i took on home projects and planned a vacation last summer with our daughters family. Yet he took credit for my work in front of daughter and son in law.
He said he always wanted to do a big family vacation but we never managed i told him these require planning and prep and he is last minute dude who seems perplexed that no one can make it......... I also started an exercise routine and lost weight and shaped up.... he seems threatened in a way about those things
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Was thinking about him being "... afraid of rejection or feeling unworthy." I'm not making any judgment or conclusions or anything like that but you seem to be rather angry. Making decisions under duress is difficult and not the best thing. You need a break but maybe talking about it here and now is the break you need. What do you think? 🙂
 
Verisure said:
Was thinking about him being "... afraid of rejection or feeling unworthy." I'm not making any judgment or conclusions or anything like that but you seem to be rather angry. Making decisions under duress is difficult and not the best thing. You need a break but maybe talking about it here and now is the break you need. What do you think? 🙂
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I think you may have hit the nail on the head.
 
Long term relationships can be tricky indeed. First, we have to acknowledge that the first fires of passion will eventually die out and be replaced with expectancy. We have to work hard to make a relationship into something we can both adapt to and live with. Friendship with your partner is first and foremost the number one necessity in reaching a mutual arrangement to continue in the relationship. Be honest with one another and state what each expects of the other. Be kind and understanding if your partner has a hard time articulating what he/she wants or needs. If these elements are not present, don't bother. Get the passion behind you and just move on. But, if it seems doable or suitable, then ride the rough roads when you come to them with patience and dignity. Once respect for on another goes out the window, it is done.
 
Lewkat said:
Long term relationships can be tricky indeed. First, we have to acknowledge that the first fires of passion will eventually die out and be replaced with expectancy. We have to work hard to make a relationship into something we can both adapt to and live with. Friendship with your partner is first and foremost the number one necessity in reaching a mutual arrangement to continue in the relationship. Be honest with one another and state what each expects of the other. Be kind and understanding if your partner has a hard time articulating what he/she wants or needs. If these elements are not present, don't bother. Get the passion behind you and just move on. But, if it seems doable or suitable, then ride the rough roads when you come to them with patience and dignity. Once respect for on another goes out the window, it is done.
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appreciate all insight .
this is not a passion or intimacy thing... that ship has sailed
it is closer to lack of respect which as you stated may be DONE
 
I'm starting to get the feeling that your husband is not solely at fault. I also have a severe hearing loss. But, I also have chronically itchy ears that several doctors have not been able to do much about. So, my hearing aids are uncomfortable and I only wear them when I go out. Is my wife happy about this? Heck no. But, she has learned that unless she speaks clearly and directly to me I won't understand her.

She has some traits that I'm not crazy about. But, they aren't worth making a fuss about. A happy marriage requires some compromises. Maybe there's a reason he concentrates on his games.

You are probably stressed from losing your job. That's understandable. I hope you can work things out. I wish you both the best.
 
Being together soon to be our 60th. anniversary I can't relate to growing apart. Retired 26 years ago we've been together 24/7. The only way to explain why we aren't growing apart, I was told a story just before getting married. Being young & dumb I didn't understand the concept. So it was explained to me.

Two mules a male & female both with equal physical strength were tied together facing opposite directions. Each had a bale of hay in front of them. They could each try to pull against the other to eat. But they turned to be side by side so they could both eat without struggling.

The explanation made sense. Since day 1, we've worked together to have the best life possible. Hasn't been all roses but we managed to get thru the rough times every time. No secret formula or words of wisdom to share about how we managed thru years, we just did.
 

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