Has anyone on SF sat with a dying friend or loved one?

oscash

oscash

Senior Member
Location
Sydney - Australia
I have been visiting a long-time friend, in the nursing home. we had known each other 63 years in all, we started our first job together, way back. Well, my friend was a heavy smoker all her life and now at the end stage of her life, she has been in a nursing home for 2 years. She was slowing fading during the last few weeks, I decided to visit her at the home on Thursday when I saw an ambulance in the driveway, I knew it was for her, and sure enough she was being taken to hospital. I got in touch with her son and took him over with me.

She was admitted to Emergency and there she lay struggling to breathe. All her stats were dropping, and the doctor said it was a matter of time. We managed to stay for 8 hours when I said there is nothing we can do so decided to go home. The next morning, I rang him, and he said the hospital rang to say she passed at 6am. We
immediately went over to say our final goodbyes, she looked terrible. The ironic thing was she passed on the 6th of January 2024 and her husband passed on the 5th.
January 2022 R.I.P dear Marion.
 

Yes, I have done it 3 times, with husband, Mother and MIL. I am glad I was there but these are memories that never leave you, it really changed me for the worse. The struggle at the end of life is not easy. I pray it will be a quick end for me, heart attack or stroke, fast and fatal. I have my DNR set up and everyone is aware of my wishes.
 
Oscash, I'm sorry you've lost a dear friend, it's very hard, but you gave her comfort in her last hours.. 🤗

I've never sat with anyone as they lay dying.. but in reference to you saying ''she looked terrible''.. my mother was a nurse and growing up she always told me that dead people looked much younger when they died, because the wrinkles were gone and their faces were at peace, and the morticians made them up to look nice ... and so I had that in my mind when I went to visit her open coffin,.. and I was shocked because none of that was the case... she looked.. grey, cold and dead...


OTOH my 15 year old niece had make-up applied at the funeral directors, and when I visited her in her open coffin she looked like an adult doll... too much pink make-up on a child...
 
Unfortunately I have been with 3 people for their last breath. My brother, my best friend and my mother. All 3 were cancer and were not quick deaths. The many many hours of time spent in a hospice with each dying person was absolutely draining. Though at this stage there is no food / water given, it is kind of strange that you just wait for that last breath.

Another friend of mine died this past November, he also had cancer (pancreatic) it had spread to bones and lungs, he was in excruciating pain. At one point he got out of bed in the hospital and his femur broke and he collapsed, the bones were that brittle. Near the very end he opted for and was permitted for MAID. I can't believe how grateful his family members were and how at peace my friend was with this. He was told that he would be on several serious pain drugs (morphine and fentanyl) and other drugs, and would be unconscious until he passed. And that process could be weeks.
 
It's strange and anyone who has sat with someone who has passed on, or, seen them about half an hour later might have felt what I felt. You can tell that the vital spark, or essence, or their spirit if you believe in a Faith, .... has gone. What made them the person they were is no longer there and theye've left behind an empty shell.

Forgive me if I sound unnecesarily morbid or unfeeling but I'm trying to find the words that explain how it feels that the loved one has gone elsewhere ..
 
catscan said:
It's strange and anyone who has sat with someone who has passed on, or, seen them about half an hour later might have felt what I felt. You can tell that the vital spark, or essence, or their spirit if you believe in a Faith, .... has gone. What made them the person they were is no longer there and theye've left behind an empty shell.

Forgive me if I sound unnecesarily morbid or unfeeling but I'm trying to find the words that explain how it feels that the loved one has gone elsewhere ..
Click to expand...
Absolutely right. There was no doubt whatsoever when I saw both my mum and my niece that they were not in that shell.. it was like statues had been made of them, there was no-one in there... I touched both of their faces, my mother felt like a cold clammy hard stone.. my niece a little less so..but the colour of her eyes which were a deep rich brown when alive were gone, and in their place was bright blue...
 
I watched my Mother and Mother In Law take there last breaths.

With my Mom, I was alone with her as Dad was basically breaking down.

With my Mother In Law, 2 of the 3 Daughters and Husbands were all there. The other Daughter had been killed by a Drunk Driver just afew weeks before....so sad.

I was glad to have been there for Mom and ms gamboolgals Mother.

I would be glad to sit with a dying loved one in the future. Hard as it is, it is good to be there and talk to them as they cross the Jordan.
 
My husband spent the last 3 months of his life in a Nursing Home. It was meant to be short term care, dealing with heart issues, diabetes and other things. The plan was he would eventually come home. But, it did not happen. I think he gave up
I spent several hours with him on his last day. He died in the middle of the night, though
 
My father passed in my arms after a 7 month home hospice. My sister was there, but she ran out to get his 2nd wife when we realized this was the moment he would die, from another part of the house. And our older sister arrived for a regular visit.

After a while I closed his mouth which was agape and his eyelids so it would be easier for the mortician since it was going to be an open casket. The 4 of us sat there stunned for an hour, speechless. We did open the windows to let his spirit out and let the cool winter air wash over us. The absolute worst was the undertakers carrying him on the gurney down the outside stairs w his long, skinny legs sticking out in the cold.
 
I was with my mother, my father and my grandmother when they slipped away. I'm glad I was there.

My mother and I were with my other grandmother when it looked like she was going, but she rallied at the last minute. The nursing home said she was breathing well and would probably live for a couple more days, so we went home for the night (it was about 2 a.m.) We had barely gotten home when they called and said she had died right after we left. I think that maybe we were keeping her there and she was able to let go when we left. I've always wondered if that were so.

I guess you could say I was there when my husband died, but the room was full of paramedics and there was so much going on, that I couldn't get near the bed.
 
I sat with my mother in her last days, she was an ex-army nurse from a medical family who had bull's hitted her way out of hospital many times. She was diagnosed with sepsis and offered antibiotics which she refused, this is when I was called. The doctors asked me what I felt about that and I said that I expected them to respect her wishes, they treated her for pain and nausea until she took her last breath.
A nurse came to check her medication and I told the nurse that her breathing was changing. The nurse said that she thought Mum had passed, she immediately took another breath but not many more. To see her at peace and pain free was a strangely beautiful thing.
Birth and death are demarcations, what happens in between is our lives, we're here for good and bad times. Plan to live forever, yet live everyday as if it was your last.
 
I was with my mother when she died. There were many restrictions in the hospice at the time as it was during covid. My mother had cancer and I initially looked after her at home, right up until and including when she was unable to stand and support her own fragile weight.

Eventually, the hospice said they were able to take my mother in. The hospice at the time was being very careful as they didn't want too many people in the hospice too early due to the risk of potentially spreading covid.

During the weekend I was at the hospice with her I held her hand for most of the time. My brother was sitting next to me further down the bed. When it became obvious to me that my mother hadn't got much time left I invited my younger brother to swap with me. I said to him that it was now time for him to hold her hand. We swapped chairs at the side of the bed and I placed my hands on my mother's legs as my brother held her hand.

My mother went to the hospice in an ambulance on a Friday morning and passed in the small hours of the following Monday. An unusual feeling came over me at the time; something I wasn't expecting. There was an unusual and undescribable 'beauty' to the whole process. I had no idea where that feeling came from. I didn't call anyone to her until slightly over 15 minutes later. I didn't want strangers fussing around here as her conscious left her body. I wanted it to be as peaceful and calm for her as possible.

With my dad, who had the same cancer, it was a different experience. When the family & I were with him in his room at the hospice, listening to his loud ‘agonal breathing’. I couldn’t help thinking what a proud man my dad was/is; a somewhat private man. I couldn’t help thinking he now wants to die, but he’s hanging on because his family are around him. I couldn’t help thinking that he wants to die in private. It suddenly seemed to me at the time that this is what my dad would want, to die alone.

I didn’t explain my reasoning to the family, but I suggested to them that we might want to take a break, leave his room for a short while and go to the reception area for a hot drink. It was bitterly cold outside, it was the 12th of December. The family very quickly agreed to take a break. The speed at which they agreed to leave kind of gave me the impression that they were waiting for me to say let's leave the room and take a break for a short while.

As we left, they went to the reception, I went alone straight to the reception front door and outside into the cold winter night. I personally had no intention of getting a hot drink. The hot drink was for everyone else, but not for me. I walked to a guard railing just outside and at the front of the reception door. I leaned forward onto the railing with my forearms resting on top of the railing, and I looked out over the car park, deep in my own thoughts.

It only seemed like less than 5 minutes later that a nurse came out to me to tell me my dad had passed away. I didn't say this out loud, but in my own mind I said, "Yes, I know". We all slowly went back into my dads room. I pulled a chair around to the right side of his bed and sat down beside my dad. I raised his right hand & held it tight in mine. I ‘felt’ that he was thanking me.
 
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When my dad passed away with Parkinson's he held on until the nurses' asked if we could just step out of his room for a couple of minutes so they could freshen him up, one came back to us rather quickly and said, "It's time", we hurried back in as Dad gave his last gasp., and a tear slowly passed over his right cheek. All that happened over 30 years ago, and you remember the exact details as if it was yesterday.
 
Yes. I was very calm but afterward was a different story. I lost my mind. I spent 4 hours with him afterward and I remember what I felt and said to him during that time. I can replay it in my mind, even down to what my voice sounded like when I was out of my mind with grief. I did lose my sense of smell for two days because I cried so hard and for so long. It was beyond tragic.
 
Yes I was with my dad when he died. I have sat with a few friends in their last days but none died while I was there. My dad waited for my mom and I to arrive and passed away while we held his hands. Some people won’t die until they are alone. It’s very individual. It’s incredibly sad to share that journey with a loved one.
 
I wasn't able to be with my parents when they died of covid, just three days apart. The hospice nurses read our goodbyes that we had called in earlier. When I read your posts, I think it was best that we did it this way. I really struggled with their loss but after three years I feel I have turned a corner and now can focus on the good memories rather than the end.
 
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