Help! I need help with a narcissistic ex.

fancicoffee13

fancicoffee13

Senior Member
Location
Texas
We are divorced, and he is not taking it well at all. I have notified the police. However there is little that will help any. I have been to therapy for 6 months to help me understand narcissism and whatever. He is coming by my place of senior living and the office has told him he cannot come on the property anymore. I have not been able to serve a tresspass on him and people tell me that anything else I serve him wouldn't be worth the paper it is printed on.
So, I am just trying to deal with it in my own self to keep me calm, walking away and not talking to him. But, I bought another car, he figured out which one is mine and put a box of his shirts on my hood and an old ashtray infront of my car. That upset me to no end. I am working on calming my self and breathing exercises.
 

You're not a good judge of character. Not that this is your fault, and I wish you well with this potentially dangerous situation. You must be more careful when it comes to men, for your own safety's sake. Please take care and good luck.
 
Pepper said:
You're not a good judge of character. Not that this is your fault, and I wish you well with this potentially dangerous situation. You must be more careful when it comes to men, for your own safety's sake. Please take care and good luck.
Click to expand...
Maybe I'm not a good judge of character of men and expecially in this situation. Please fill me in. Sounds like you could help fill me in.
 
Nathan said:
Get some legal tools going to protect yourself, get a restraining order, that way if he violates it the police can arrest him. Sue him for harassment.
Click to expand...
They want me to get a tresspass order on him. I will see about getting what you advise as well. But, he doesn't pay any attention to even those things. Now what?
 
"We are divorced, and he is not taking it well at all."- may be a big understatement. A divorce for a narcistic is an huge attack on his ego, and self worth. His leaving his belongs on your car is to reclaim you and cause you grief for leaving him. I don't know about the law, or how to deal with the situation. I suggest you contact an attorney, and find an online group , who have gone through this, to assist you.
 
Your reality
1.Restraining order. You said people tell you the paper it's written on is useless.
2.The property managers where you live advised him he can't come on the property anymore.
3.Was the therapy during your marriage of after the divorce?

What he does you have no control over. What you do have is control over how you react to his actions. 6 months of therapy seems to have helped you to learn how to calm yourself.

Clothing & an ash tray aren't forgotten why? Do you fear physical harm or what seems like mental abuse?

Asking for help online might help if only to get you to think about why you still can't let go of why your ex can impact you the way he does.
 
What do you think the significance is of the box of shirts and the ashtray?

Pay no attention to the advice from your friends about the value of the restraining order. It’s a start. It’s better than nothing. Get it. At the least the police can attend if he bothers you. If he comes on the building property, they can contact them too.
 
fancicoffee13 said:
However there is little that will help any.
Click to expand...
Try to not tell yourself negative things, especially things that are obviously not true.
Instead of that, figure out the things that you can do and do them, like getting a restraining order,
conveying to him to stay away from you and leave you alone, and asking the police and other people for help.
 
@fancicoffee13 It's good to see you post, I had not noted you here for some time. However, I'm very sorry to hear about this.

If he is a personality disorder, he sees you as his posession. He doesn't care about you or your happiness, it's all about him. He is miserable.

It sounds like you are living at an assisted living type place? If so and they have cameras, be sure to park your car where it is in good view of the cameras and if you note anything, go ask them to view. Take pictures and document everything, date time and what happened.

If you are over 65 you are considered in the age for elder abuse. It doesn't even matter if the perpetrator is your age or older, it's still elder abuse. Do not be afraid to call and report to the police. You deserve to have peace and quiet. This is what he wants to take away.
 
fuzzybuddy said:
"We are divorced, and he is not taking it well at all."- may be a big understatement. A divorce for a narcistic is an huge attack on his ego, and self worth. His leaving his belongs on your car is to reclaim you and cause you grief for leaving him. I don't know about the law, or how to deal with the situation. I suggest you contact an attorney, and find an online group , who have gone through this, to assist you.
Click to expand...
That is an excellent idea. Right now, I am taking the advice of therapists who say not to feed him with being upset and yelling, but to walk away and quietly ignore him. That is what I am trying to do now, just throw his stuff away and not say a word. Act normal and go about my everyday life as though he doesn't exist. There is a place/therapist I can go to for help and I may try that and my insurancer covers the cost. And they know him very well. It's been a year.
 
fancicoffee13 said:
We are divorced, and he is not taking it well at all. I have notified the police. However there is little that will help any. I have been to therapy for 6 months to help me understand narcissism and whatever. He is coming by my place of senior living and the office has told him he cannot come on the property anymore. I have not been able to serve a tresspass on him and people tell me that anything else I serve him wouldn't be worth the paper it is printed on.
So, I am just trying to deal with it in my own self to keep me calm, walking away and not talking to him. But, I bought another car, he figured out which one is mine and put a box of his shirts on my hood and an old ashtray infront of my car. That upset me to no end. I am working on calming my self and breathing exercises.
Click to expand...

I am not sure that is true, if nothing else, it would build a paper trail should things escalate.

If you are not already doing so, start keeping a diary of any incidents including date, time and where it occurred. Not only will that provide you with an accurate record of events, it will also enable you to look for patterns in his behaviour and his routine so, if he tends to bother you, say, at lunchtimes, then you will know to be extra vigilant around that time and, if possible, take steps to avoid him. Knowledge is key (y)

Make sure you are consistent in your reaction to him. Do not lessen his behavior by telling yourself that it is not that bad, don't allow yourself to feel sorry for him or blame yourself for his actions and do not think that you can have a conversation with him about his behaviour. Sounds harsh but, any of those reactions will risk encouraging him. Try as much as you can to ignore him but, be aware of your surroundings and the details.

Make sure that family, friends etc know that there is a problem so, they can let you know if they see him waiting for you and, if it makes you feel safer, consider sharing a "code word" with friends or family whereby, if you give that code word (either by text or phone call) they know that you feel unsafe and need help.

Try not to blame yourself @fancicoffee13. Unfortunately the planet is littered with people who seem perfectly nice at the beginning but turn out to be absolute horrors. All we can do is hope that, in the future, we will be more able to spot them ... and run away fast!

Good luck (y)
 
fancicoffee13 said:
He is coming by my place of senior living and the office has told him he cannot come on the property anymore.
Click to expand...
I think the owners of your senior place of living must apply for the No Trespass Order.

You can apply for a Restraining Order, that he not come near your person nor contact you.

Of course they are worth it. After these requests have been granted by the court. the police must respond to a call for help when he breaks the rules of the orders.

Sorry you are going through this.
 
This is a dangerous situation. I think you should take great care and some advice from the police.
The very best thing is for you to go away without trace. Is this possible? You need to remove yourself from him. Even if you can go live with family somewhere out of the area.

If not, do not be alone anywhere. Vary your movements, do not respond at all to any communication by him.
 
I divorced someone with NPD 40 years ago. I know how hard it is to deal with. Please get a restraining or protective order. No, it will not keep him away but what it will do is free the police to act if he comes near you. Without it there is not a lot they can do.

Your counselor is right in telling you to ignore it as much as you can. Do not let him know he is getting to you. That is his goal and he will eventually give up if he is not getting his narcissistic supply from hurting you.

Be very careful in new relationships. Sometimes it is our own personalities that attract these people. My heart goes out to you. You will survive this but it is not easy and it will take time.
 
fancicoffee13 - you have my sympathies and I'm sorry you're going through all this. Some excellent advice given above.

Try to stay calm, which I know is easier said than done. Concentrate on those breathing exercises as much as you can and perhaps close your eyes and visualise your calming space. If you haven't one, think about what could be a calming space for you and use it.

For instance, I used to concentrate on slowly drifting along a peaceful river, lying down in a boat, hand dangling in the water, watching the sun passing through the overhead trees, listening to bird song while breathing slowly, shoulders relaxed.
Whatever you can conjure up in your mind's eye as your calming space could help, even in a small way.

Good luck.
 
RadishRose said:
I think the owners of your senior place of living must apply for the No Trespass Order.

You can apply for a Restraining Order, that he not come near your person nor contact you.

Of course they are worth it. After these requests have been granted by the court. the police must respond to a call for help when he breaks the rules of the orders.

Sorry you are going through this.
Click to expand...
Thank you. I am also getting help or therapy for this.
 
Quackers said:
fancicoffee13 - you have my sympathies and I'm sorry you're going through all this. Some excellent advice given above.

Try to stay calm, which I know is easier said than done. Concentrate on those breathing exercises as much as you can and perhaps close your eyes and visualise your calming space. If you haven't one, think about what could be a calming space for you and use it.

For instance, I used to concentrate on slowly drifting along a peaceful river, lying down in a boat, hand dangling in the water, watching the sun passing through the overhead trees, listening to bird song while breathing slowly, shoulders relaxed.
Whatever you can conjure up in your mind's eye as your calming space could help, even in a small way.

Good luck.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much. I love to go to the apps on tv that are for calming, relaxing and they have scenery that is of running brooks or mountains and it calms me so much.
 
DebraMae said:
I divorced someone with NPD 40 years ago. I know how hard it is to deal with. Please get a restraining or protective order. No, it will not keep him away but what it will do is free the police to act if he comes near you. Without it there is not a lot they can do.

Your counselor is right in telling you to ignore it as much as you can. Do not let him know he is getting to you. That is his goal and he will eventually give up if he is not getting his narcissistic supply from hurting you.

Be very careful in new relationships. Sometimes it is our own personalities that attract these people. My heart goes out to you. You will survive this but it is not easy and it will take time.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much. I am getting online therapy free.
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top