Help! I need help with a narcissistic ex.

Rose65 said:
This is a dangerous situation. I think you should take great care and some advice from the police.
The very best thing is for you to go away without trace. Is this possible? You need to remove yourself from him. Even if you can go live with family somewhere out of the area.

If not, do not be alone anywhere. Vary your movements, do not respond at all to any communication by him.
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Well, he is blocked, and I am never alone, and I think the office where I live has told him to stay off the property as well.
 

Nathan said:
Maybe once he gets arrested by the police he'll start paying attention.
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I don't think so, it might excalate things. That's not to say I won't do it, but when I don't acknowledge it and ignore him, it seems best that way. Him putting a box of shirts on my car is said to relate to me that he has been really bad hurt. Well, sorry Charlie. No sympathy from me!
 

Rose65 said:
This is a dangerous situation. I think you should take great care and some advice from the police.
The very best thing is for you to go away without trace. Is this possible? You need to remove yourself from him. Even if you can go live with family somewhere out of the area.

If not, do not be alone anywhere. Vary your movements, do not respond at all to any communication by him.I have a dear friend with me always and I a varying things I do and places I go. Thank you.
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fancicoffee13 said:
I don't think so, it might excalate things. That's not to say I won't do it, but when I don't acknowledge it and ignore him, it seems best that way. Him putting a box of shirts on my car is said to relate to me that he has been really bad hurt. Well, sorry Charlie. No sympathy from me!
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To you he looms large, but he is just another of eight billion helpless people --who don't want to go to jail.
 
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Nathan said:
Get some legal tools going to protect yourself, get a restraining order, that way if he violates it the police can arrest him. Sue him for harassment.
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Yes, and buy home security cameras, ones that store all video to a cloud server. Blink Smart Security is a good company for that.

Unfortunately, protecting yourself from the ex costs money, but it IS worth it. It's worth it to do all the stuff @Nathan recommends plus a video security system. It could save your life.
 
fancicoffee13 said:
I don't think so, it might excalate things. That's not to say I won't do it, but when I don't acknowledge it and ignore him, it seems best that way. Him putting a box of shirts on my car is said to relate to me that he has been really bad hurt. Well, sorry Charlie. No sympathy from me!
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Your instinct is right. By ignoring him he was ill learn eventually that his actions have no effect. Don't underestimate the potential danger, make sure you are never alone and vulnerable.
If you are able to disappear, go away, for even a while it would be good.
 
fancicoffee13 said:
We are divorced, and he is not taking it well at all. I have notified the police. However there is little that will help any. I have been to therapy for 6 months to help me understand narcissism and whatever. He is coming by my place of senior living and the office has told him he cannot come on the property anymore. I have not been able to serve a tresspass on him and people tell me that anything else I serve him wouldn't be worth the paper it is printed on.
So, I am just trying to deal with it in my own self to keep me calm, walking away and not talking to him. But, I bought another car, he figured out which one is mine and put a box of his shirts on my hood and an old ashtray infront of my car. That upset me to no end. I am working on calming my self and breathing exercises.
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Hi,
I woudl suggest you start looking up self-help legal services in your area. Some Senior Centers also have legal aid. You can also go here:

Protective Order: Fact Sheet

If it is all too frightening for you, hire a paralegal to fill it out for you. To find one just search for “Paralegal services” in your city.

The reason you should do this is because you need to have a RECORD for POLICE and the COURT of how many times he violates it. Even if the court does not grant it due to lack of evidence, the fact that he bothers you enough that you asked the court for an Order of Protection is MEANINGFUL to the court.

IMO, and this is just my opinion, there is a great deal of bias against females among police and in the court system. Why? I don’t know! Maybe they think all women have guns so what is the problem here? But I don’t have a gun and I’ll bet you don’t either, so we expect the police and courts to protect us in lieu of a gun.

Anyway, You must file for a Restraining Order. Get his actions on the record. No one else is apparently going to help you, are they? So you have to become your only advocate.

The most terrifying things about narcissists is that they never think they are wrong. They can always justify their behavior. Even if they kill their “loved one” they will claim, “It was for her own good.”

That’s the worst kind of evil, you know? The evil pretending to be good.
 
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fuzzybuddy said:
"We are divorced, and he is not taking it well at all."- may be a big understatement. A divorce for a narcistic is an huge attack on his ego, and self worth. His leaving his belongs on your car is to reclaim you and cause you grief for leaving him. I don't know about the law, or how to deal with the situation. I suggest you contact an attorney, and find an online group , who have gone through this, to assist you.
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I would think twice about calling a family law lawyer. God love ‘em, many of them really want to make deals and mediate deals. But can you even make a fair deal with a narcisssist? That’s a question that is tough to answer.

Maybe call a criminal lawyer and find out what happens if he violates the restraining order.
 
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@fancicoffee13
Just a guess on my part. Here goes. Are you ashamed to tell your daughter because she has warned you, and you think she might throw this in your face? Are you embarrassed because she was, well, kind of right?

Don't be embarrassed. You were seeking company, another partner. You just did it blindfolded. I promise to help you wakey wakey.
 
Rose65 said:
This is a dangerous situation. I think you should take great care and some advice from the police.
The very best thing is for you to go away without trace. Is this possible? You need to remove yourself from him. Even if you can go live with family somewhere out of the area.

If not, do not be alone anywhere. Vary your movements, do not respond at all to any communication by him.
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Actually, I think the opposite is a smarter idea.

For example, if Nicole Brown Simpson had the power in 1994 to make a website that said, “O.J. is trying to kill me” and published her journal and the pictures of how he beat her, online, would the public have rallied to her aid the same way the public rallied to help free Britney Spears from her father’s abuse?

In other words, is it SMARTER in today’s world to use the Internet to tell the public, “This bad person has hurt me and seeks to hurt me more” by some means? On Twitter or make a website.

Remember - defamation is only defamation if it is untrue. If what you say about him is true and you have witnesses and evidence, then tell the world about him. Tell people on Facebook. Tell everyone who works at your apartment complex. Build a website devoted to him.

Because sometimes, oftentimes, the PUBLIC can see more than police and lawyers can. Police and lawyers are beset with their own set of biases and they are also jaded. The public can often smell a rat quicker because they are not blocked up with all those biases.
 
Trish said:
I am not sure that is true, if nothing else, it would build a paper trail should things escalate.

If you are not already doing so, start keeping a diary of any incidents including date, time and where it occurred. Not only will that provide you with an accurate record of events, it will also enable you to look for patterns in his behaviour and his routine so, if he tends to bother you, say, at lunchtimes, then you will know to be extra vigilant around that time and, if possible, take steps to avoid him. Knowledge is key (y)

Make sure you are consistent in your reaction to him. Do not lessen his behavior by telling yourself that it is not that bad, don't allow yourself to feel sorry for him or blame yourself for his actions and do not think that you can have a conversation with him about his behaviour. Sounds harsh but, any of those reactions will risk encouraging him. Try as much as you can to ignore him but, be aware of your surroundings and the details.

Make sure that family, friends etc know that there is a problem so, they can let you know if they see him waiting for you and, if it makes you feel safer, consider sharing a "code word" with friends or family whereby, if you give that code word (either by text or phone call) they know that you feel unsafe and need help.

Try not to blame yourself @fancicoffee13. Unfortunately the planet is littered with people who seem perfectly nice at the beginning but turn out to be absolute horrors. All we can do is hope that, in the future, we will be more able to spot them ... and run away fast!

Good luck (y)
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I agree. The advice of, “Try to ignore him” and forget about it - I disagree. He has started this war. He has started it, cannot stop, it, refuses to get therapy, right?

So you have to document it. It’s exhausting and depressing as hell because you want him to disappear, but you have to document it for the police.

The really horrible thing about our system of justice is that he cannot be ordered into therapy or be put in prison until he actually hurts you. That’s messed up. He has to leave you with bruises or broken bones before the courts will order him to therapy or jail.

You know, people think women are so murderous if we say about a narcissistic ex, “I wish he was dead!”, but truly, what hope of him leaving us alone forever does the legal system offer? None at all.

We just want freedom. We don’t want Mr. Mistake(s) to follow us for all eternity. That is not murderous at all. That’s a basic human right.
 
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Use your camera. Take pictures of everything suspicious he does and then email the pictures to yourself.

But if some therapist is telling you to ignore him, maybe you need a better therapist who specializes in domestic violence. A true DV therapist will know how the legal system perceives things and know how the victim needs to document, document, and when you are tired, still document it.
 
VintageBetter said:
Use your camera. Take pictures of everything suspicious he does and then email the pictures to yourself.

But if some therapist is telling you to ignore him, maybe you need a better therapist who specializes in domestic violence. A true DV therapist will know how the legal system perceives things and know how the victim needs to document, document, and when you are tired, still document it.
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I think that is a good point, "ignore" may not be the best word to use. When I think of ignore in this situation, I mean it in the context of appearing to ignore so as not to give him the satisfaction of getting your attention but, at the same time, being alert, avoid if possible and keeping a record and not hesitating to use that information in any case against him, should it become necessary.

Getting photographic evidence is a really good idea (y)
 
Pepper said:
You're not a good judge of character. Not that this is your fault, and I wish you well with this potentially dangerous situation. You must be more careful when it comes to men, for your own safety's sake. Please take care and good luck.
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Sounds like you are scolding her, perhaps you mean well but teller her she is poor judge of character does not help.
 
Toxic relationships are not fun. Do what you have to do to be happy, everyone deserves to be happy, 💕
 
Mr. Ed said:
Sounds like you are scolding her, perhaps you mean well but teller her she is poor judge of character does not help.
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I'm speaking to her woman to woman; as a friend, and she knows it. She needs help and as woman to woman we will find a way.
 
Mr. Ed said:
Deflate his ego, maybe his Id will follow.
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I disagree. Do not encourage him by communicating with him.
Soon, hopefully, another potential mate will wander into the picture and you will be forgotten. Meanwhile I wish you could get away from it all.
I'm a little worried about your car being damaged or sabotaged. At least get cameras, get a restraining order! Don't mess around with this.
 
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