OneEyedDiva
SF VIP
- Location
- New Jersey
Someone emailed this to me, probably 2 decades ago. I still get a good laugh every time I read it. Something @Aneeda72 posted the other day about everyone not celebrating Christmas, reminded me of it.
FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open
Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
***********
FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who
are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
***********
FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name! I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?!
***********
FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking, and sex
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon this time of year does does not accommodate our Muslim employees
beliefs.
Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the
party- the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for
take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members
of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women
will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
***********
FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a
tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning
of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
Okay???
***********
FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up
like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a
tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the
Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten
up?
***********
FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes..
But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice
them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!
***********
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Bob Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Bob Lewis a speedy recovery
from his stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to him
at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
@Pecos
FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open
Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
***********
FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who
are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
***********
FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name! I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?!
***********
FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking, and sex
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon this time of year does does not accommodate our Muslim employees
beliefs.
Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the
party- the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for
take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members
of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women
will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
***********
FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a
tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning
of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
Okay???
***********
FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up
like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a
tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the
Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten
up?
***********
FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes..
But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice
them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!
***********
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Bob Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Bob Lewis a speedy recovery
from his stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to him
at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
@Pecos
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