How best to finish a friendship

Distance has ended a few friendships in my case, you move away promising to keep in touch but it gradually becomes less.

In one case I was forced to tell the person why who kept leaving messages telling me there was a party Saturday, please come.

She insisted on knowing the reason I was never coming anymore. Told her I just was not interested as I went to bed early. She did not buy that excuse so I told her the truth.....I was not interested in drunken, pot smoking partying any more.

It takes a house to fall on some people before they get the message.
 
Lee said:
Distance has ended a few friendships in my case, you move away promising to keep in touch but it gradually becomes less.

In one case I was forced to tell the person why who kept leaving messages telling me there was a party Saturday, please come.

She insisted on knowing the reason I was never coming anymore. Told her I just was not interested as I went to bed early. She did not buy that excuse so I told her the truth.....I was not interested in drunken, pot smoking partying any more.

It takes a house to fall on some people before they get the message.
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I feel so relieved that it's not just me !

This is a friend who quite frankly talks mainly of herself. We lost touch during lockdowns and I found myself feeling glad to have that excuse. I realised we live on different wavelengths now. I just don't want to meet for long lunches like we used to. I feel terribly guilty but I have other friends with whom I have far more in common.
She's not a bad person, nor am I. That is not the case, just life has changed, I have changed.
 
CallMeKate said:
What I've done since I never wanted to totally ghost someone was to always "be busy" or have other things to do. Eventually they fade away, yeppers.
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Actually, on a slightly different point, I rarely unfriend anyone on Facebook. If I feel I don't have much in common, I just make them an acquaintance and gently starve the relationship away.
It's not nice but it's life.
 
There are acquaintances and there are friends, and then there are good friends, if that makes sense. I look at these relationships like an onion. The outer layers are many acquaintances and superficial, while the core consists of one or two good friends. If a friend wants something from me, I typically am there for them. But if I cannot be there, I just let them know the truth - I am either busy, ill, or cannot make events due to scheduling conflicts The good friends stick by me no matter what, and I do the same. I also have friends from college that maintain contact. I heard once that friends come in your life for a reason, and the friendship usually lasts a few years then they/you move on. I have had a few of those. If a friendship doesn't work out (either they change, or I move), it sort of fades away, and that has been the case a few times.
 
Rose65 said:
I feel so relieved that it's not just me !

This is a friend who quite frankly talks mainly of herself. We lost touch during lockdowns and I found myself feeling glad to have that excuse. I realised we live on different wavelengths now. I just don't want to meet for long lunches like we used to. I feel terribly guilty but I have other friends with whom I have far more in common.
She's not a bad person, nor am I. That is not the case, just life has changed, I have changed.
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I had a friend who was a lovely person.. she was married to a well known Singer... She was sweet.. but she drank like a fish ( I don't drink)...and smoked 60 cigs a day ..( I don't smoke)..and she didn't eat solid food, only protein shakes occasionally.. her husband didn't drink or smoke either.. and he was about 20 years older than her. ..and kept himself very healthy

As a direct result of the dancing, and the lack of food.. she got a major problem with her bones, and he ended up becoming a kind of carer to her.. . he whole world aside from occasional visits to the bars, was revolved around her computer ( this was 10 years ago or more).. but regardless of how often she was told, she was always getting bugs in her computer..because she signed up to everything.. and then she would forward these things in an email... Didn't matter how often I told her to stop, she still did it..she'd send to up to 30 people at a time with everyone's email addresses available to anyone...

I asked her to stop , she never would... then I got a stalker..he was one of her friends.. and he got my number from her ( she gave it in all innocence).. and he kept calling me... I eventually told my husband, and he told him to get lost and we blocked his number ( not easy back then) ... but then my friend was still sending emails to large groups of people, which included him.. and also my email address, and so he could see my mail address.. after I'd blocked him...

So..in the end I had no choice but to just block her completely.. it was a shame because she was a sweet woman.. if Naive.. ..but I nearly lost my sanity over her in the end..
 
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My wife had an old friend from the days of her previous marriage, the lady would call to talk-talk-talk...frequently repeating herself. My wife would let the calls go to voicemail, hoping that sooner or later the lady would 'get' the message and stop calling. She didn't. Finally I suggested that my wife write the lady a letter, and explain that she did not wish to chat about old times anymore. The lady did get it, and quit calling.
 
palides2021 said:
There are acquaintances and there are friends, and then there are good friends, if that makes sense. I look at these relationships like an onion. The outer layers are many acquaintances and superficial, while the core consists of one or two good friends.
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Peeling back those layers makes me cry 😭 but getting to the center makes me happy. 😊
 
hollydolly said:
I had a friend who was a lovely person.. she was married to a well known Singer... She was sweet.. but she drank like a fish ( I don't drink)...and smoked 60 cigs a day ..( I don't smoke)..and she didn't eat solid food, only protein shakes occasionally.. her husband didn't drink or smoke either.. and he was about 20 year older than her. ..and kept himself very healthy

As a direct result of the dancing, and the lack of food.. she got a major problem with her bones, and he ended up becoming a kind of carer to her.. . he whole world aside from occasional visits to the bars, was revolved around her computer ( this was 10 years ago or more).. but regardless of how often she was told, she was always getting bugs in her computer..because she signed up to everything.. and then she would forward these things in an email... Didn't matter how often I told her to stop, she still did it..she'd send to up to 30 people at a time with everyone's email addresses available to anyone...

I asked her to stop , she never would... then I got a stalker..he was one of her friends.. and he got my number from her ( she gave it in all innocence).. and he kept calling me... I eventually told my husband, and he told him to get lost and we blocked his number ( not easy back then) ... but then my friend was still sending emails to large groups of people, which included him.. and also my email address, and so he could see my mail address.. after I'd blocked him...

So..in the end I had no choice but to just block her completely.. it was a shame because she was a sweet woman.. if Naive.. ..but I nearly lost my sanity over her in the end..
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What a nightmare for you. Actually you showed huge patience.
I used to be patient and give people a lot of chances. Now I am very different, I act much more rapidly and decisively. My energy and resources are for me and mine. I just refuse to waste time on insensitive and stupid people.
 
Nathan said:
My wife had an old friend from the days of her previous marriage, the lady would call to talk-talk-talk...frequently repeating herself. My wife would let the calls go to voicemail, hoping that sooner or later the lady would 'get' the message and stop calling. She didn't. Finally I suggested that my wife write the lady a letter, and explain that she did not wish to chat about old times anymore. The lady did get it, and quit calling.
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That is such a familiar scenario. There are surprisingly insensitive people around for whom hints are useless.
 
It's sad and unfortunate that people who were once close grow apart, but it happens. They change, we change, and the connection is no longer there, and we don't enjoy their company as much as we once did.

Perhaps that means that we have less and less in common and we no longer like to do the same things. Or they've become consumed with only talking about their own life and have little interest in yours. If someone is only concerned with themselves and has no real interest in me, I lose interest in being with them. I mean what's the point? Friendship is a two-way street. Friends are supposed to be interested in and care about each other.

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I have a tendency to drift away. If they call, I'm polite but keep the conversation short. If they ask me to do something, I'm perpetually busy. I just keep refusing invitations. I can't bring myself to say, "I don't like being with you anymore." Most people will eventually get the hint, if they're persistent after I've refused a thousand times, I stop answering calls.
 
If a relationship no longer works in my life. I am upfront about it and will say it. I will add why also and whether it’s my stuff or theirs. No matter how hard it is. People sometimes on the receiving end just need an explanation, closure perhaps. I hate ghosting. I don’t like it done to me so won’t do it to others. My humble opinion
 
Tell point blank, we're not friends anymore.

I also blocked a co-worker who called and quit right before her shift. Guess who got stuck staying over? I think she called me 9 times after that. I can still look it up on Xfinity though the call doesn't go through.
 
Lexi said:
If a relationship no longer works in my life. I am upfront about it and will say it. I will add why also and whether it’s my stuff or theirs. No matter how hard it is. People sometimes on the receiving end just need an explanation, closure perhaps. I hate ghosting. I don’t like it done to me so won’t do it to others. My humble opinion
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I try not to ghost people and do the same, when I can, explain upfront how I'm feeling and why. I hate to leave people wondering.
 
Murrmurr said:
If I need to end a friendship that doesn't feel friendly, feels one-sided, I'm upfront about it. I don't drop hints or wish it away. That just delays the inevitable, and it's a PITA.
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That usually means confrontation and very likely some nastiness. Nobody likes being rejected after all. So I prefer a gradual approach.
 
A gradual approach is ok - limit contact, get together for less time etc and it gradually fades away.

But I dont think ghosting is good - or hinting hoping people take the hint - that is just confusing to others and gives mixed messages

Nobody likes being rejected - but they also dont like being ghosted or guessing what messages mean - which of course are passive aggressive forms of rejection anyway

If the gradual approach doesn't work, then being upfront is best - as politely and not about them as possible - but nevertheless open and upfront.
 
Rose65 said:
That usually means confrontation and very likely some nastiness. Nobody likes being rejected after all. So I prefer a gradual approach.
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When I posted that comment, I don't know where I got the idea the you were talking about anything one-sided or unfriendly.

Yes, friends drift apart over the years. Their lives take different paths, they relocate, make new friends, their families grow, urgent responsibilities come up.

But it's easier to stay in touch than it used to be, like through social media and email.
 

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