How do I know if I am making a mistake?

[smilingmore]

I am living alone in my home of 25 years. I am 86 and sometimes fear I may die and not be found. One daughter wants me to move to her state to be near her and family. The problem is that my home is paid for and I cannot afford to purchase another home. My daughter says if I make the down payment which would come from the sale of my present home, that the new home will be in both our names and she will make the monthly payments. I don't want to depend on her for monthly payments. I realize when I pass on she will become the owner of the home, but I have six other children who will be left out. What would you do?

 

[Chet]

Concerning dying and not being found...keep in contact with someone on a daily basis so they know you are still kicking. Let them know that if you miss a day, something bad has happened. A body left for weeks is not a pretty thing. It happens.

Home ownership takes work. Are you sure you are up for it, especially in a new one and setting it set up to your liking?

Is it time for the kids to take care of Mom?

 

[CallMeKate]

I am living alone in my home of 25 years. I am 86 and sometimes fear I may die and not be found. One daughter wants me to move to her state to be near her and family. The problem is that my home is paid for and I cannot afford to purchase another home. My daughter says if I make the down payment which would come from the sale of my present home, that the new home will be in both our names and she will make the monthly payments. I don't want to depend on her for monthly payments. I realize when I pass on she will become the owner of the home, but I have six other children who will be left out. What would you do?

Hi @smilingmore . Have you considered an apartment or even assisted living or retirement village near your daughter? Of course your gut will tell you what's right, but at 86, maybe taking it easy and not getting into the nightmare of buying a new home would be a good choice?

 

[Naturally]

I live alone and have had the same thoughts about passing and not being found. If I were in poor health I might consider one of those devices worn on the person for emergencies that auto dials help at the push of a button.

Your current home may be suitable as a rental property and you wouldn't have to sell. A Property Management company could handle all the details including any unexpected repairs and you wouldn't even need to be present or involved at all. I've never investigated that option and most who use such a company have multiple properties, so I don't know how viable the option would be on a single property.

But even IF the rental option is viable, you said you couldn't afford to purchase a new home. So, would it be possible to move in with the daughter? My mother was in poor health, sold her house and added onto my sister's house to incorporate a "mother in-law" suite ... a bedroom and sitting room addition. Much cheaper than buying a new house and she had a privacy area from my sister and her family but was totally accessible for monitoring as needed.

I can't answer your question for you, just trying to offer some things to think about.

 

[Myrtle]

I am living alone in my home of 25 years. I am 86 and sometimes fear I may die and not be found. One daughter wants me to move to her state to be near her and family. The problem is that my home is paid for and I cannot afford to purchase another home. My daughter says if I make the down payment which would come from the sale of my present home, that the new home will be in both our names and she will make the monthly payments. I don't want to depend on her for monthly payments. I realize when I pass on she will become the owner of the home, but I have six other children who will be left out. What would you do?

There are so many variables that it would be really hard for anyone to know if another person is making a mistake. I will say that I would be reluctant to put the money from my home into joint ownership with only one of my children, but that's just me. There very well may be reasons why you should do this and only you can know.

Hopefully there's a trusted person in your life outside your family whose advice you can trust. There are senior living counselors and retirement counselors, as well. I wish you well with your decision.

 

[BC Flash]

My suggestion: sell your current house and rent in a seniors' complex. This way you will have the funds from the sale to enjoy.

To be fair to all my children, my estate will be divided 3 ways. As much as I love my grandchildren, they are NOT listed in my will. It is up to my children to provide for them. (an aside: my daughter has 3 children, one son has 2, the other son is childless - it would be unfair to the son without children to include the grands in my will.)

 

[bobcat]

I think if I was in your situation and at your age, it's important to be close to family, not just for them to be able to monitor how you're doing, but to make the most of the years left with family (Assuming you get along well).
I think I would probably choose one of two options. You could add an ADU (Auxilliary Dwelling Unit) on your daughters property. Most building codes readily allow for that (Just something small, maybe 400 sq ft or so, or add on a bed/bath combo to her property with a separate entrance. In doing so, it will become hers when you pass, but it shouldn't take all your money, which you can put in the bank and use as you need, but with the other children as the P.O.D. (Payable on death) beneficiaries. That way no will or trust is even necessary, but you could leave a note explaining to them that the only reason your one daughter is receiving a little more in assetts is because she will be seeing to your care as you advance in age.
The other choice would be to move into an assisted living facility or independent living facility (Apartment) near your daughter, and again put your money in the bank to use as you need and list all the children as beneficiaries on the P.O.D. document at the bank.

 

[Alligatorob]

Hard decision, and buying with a mortgage at your age probably doesn't make sense. I like @CallMeKate 's suggestion that you sell and then rent. Solves a number of problems.

If you do buy with some deal with your daughter I'd be sure the other kids know about it and are ok with it. When people pass an uneven distribution of the estate can lead to family problems.

 

[IrisSenior]

Don't do it. Like you said, what about the other children and do these other children know how you feel and/or offered suggestions. Do any of these children call and check on you. Only you can decide what you want to do.

 

[Lawrence]

There is emergency alert system where a necklace or wrist band can be used to call for emergency services and contact your children if something has happened. My mother-in-law is 92 and now is in a full care facility. Previously to that for about ten years she had an emergency alert system that my wife and her brother would receive alerts if something has happened. It was used a few times and medical personnel and my wife her daughter responded to what had happened. The children wanted her to be independent as long as possible and so did she. When she turned 92 on recommendation of her doctor and one of her four children, she decided to go into a full care home.

 

[Knight]

I am living alone in my home of 25 years. I am 86 and sometimes fear I may die and not be found. One daughter wants me to move to her state to be near her and family. The problem is that my home is paid for and I cannot afford to purchase another home. My daughter says if I make the down payment which would come from the sale of my present home, that the new home will be in both our names and she will make the monthly payments. I don't want to depend on her for monthly payments. I realize when I pass on she will become the owner of the home, but I have six other children who will be left out. What would you do?

Independent living is a luxury many wish they had. If you are comfortable & manage to take care of yourself as you seem to be able to, remain in your home. It should be no problem for your heirs to take turns calling you daily. At your age of 86 it would be nice if they were doing that now but the fear you may die and not be found seems to indicate not much communication is in place. Maybe your health care provider has a way to do routine wellness checks

Other than that post # 7 makes a lot of sense to me.

 

[Gaer]

I don't know if anything I could say would help because I have difficulty making decisions myself.
I can only say please don't make a decision out of fear.
Even if the decision you make turns out not to be right when everything is said and done,
at least you made the best choice you can (or could) at the time, and that's the best you can do.
I love your independence and mental capabilities. Please let us know what you decide.

 

[oldpop]

Double post for some reason. Probably operator error.

 

[oldpop]

If I was happy and comfortable and in your situation I would lean towards the suggestion Chet made in post #2. That way no major changes or disturbances. Just life as it is and has been.

Chet: Concerning dying and not being found...keep in contact with someone on a daily basis so they know you are still kicking. Let them know that if you miss a day, something bad has happened.

 

[smilingmore]

I live alone and have had the same thoughts about passing and not being found. If I were in poor health I might consider one of those devices worn on the person for emergencies that auto dials help at the push of a button.

Your current home may be suitable as a rental property and you wouldn't have to sell. A Property Management company could handle all the details including any unexpected repairs and you wouldn't even need to be present or involved at all. I've never investigated that option and most who use such a company have multiple properties, so I don't know how viable the option would be on a single property.

But even IF the rental option is viable, you said you couldn't afford to purchase a new home. So, would it be possible to move in with the daughter? My mother was in poor health, sold her house and added onto my sister's house to incorporate a "mother in-law" suite ... a bedroom and sitting room addition. Much cheaper than buying a new house and she had a privacy area from my sister and her family but was totally accessible for monitoring as needed.

I can't answer your question for you, just trying to offer some things to think about.

Renting is out of the question as I know homeless people sleep in vacant buildings and vandalize them. I don't want to look forward to repairs.
Moving in with my daughter is the plan until I find a new home. But living permanently with her and her family is not an option as I have too many interests and need space for an art studio, aviary, antique collectibles, and so much that is part of my life.
I had the emergency call button for my husband when he was with me, but they do not call 911 as expected, but rather call the number of a friend or relative that you give them, but I have none near me for them to call.
Thank you for responding.

 

[Jace]

You won't know if you made a mistake...till you do.

That's how it is.

In so many situations.

How many times have I said.."Well, I won't do THAT again"

 

[smilingmore]

Concerning dying and not being found...keep in contact with someone on a daily basis so they know you are still kicking. Let them know that if you miss a day, something bad has happened. A body left for weeks is not a pretty thing. It happens.

Home ownership takes work. Are you sure you are up for it, especially in a new one and setting it set up to your liking?

Is it time for the kids to take care of Mom?

That's the big question: Am I up to setting up a new home. My health is good and I have many interests such as gardening that requires time to make a new place my home.
No, it's not time for them to take care of me. I am independent, but lonely and fearful. Only one child stepped up to help me. I think I need to go in that direction, don't you? Thank you.

 

[Murrmurr]

I am living alone in my home of 25 years. I am 86 and sometimes fear I may die and not be found. One daughter wants me to move to her state to be near her and family. The problem is that my home is paid for and I cannot afford to purchase another home. My daughter says if I make the down payment which would come from the sale of my present home, that the new home will be in both our names and she will make the monthly payments. I don't want to depend on her for monthly payments. I realize when I pass on she will become the owner of the home, but I have six other children who will be left out. What would you do?

Not that. I would not do that.

You might consider simply having one of your kids call you at a specific time everyday. They could take turns. The plan could be like, if you don't answer, they call back in 10 minutes, and if you still don't answer, they call the local police to do a welfare check.

 

[smilingmore]

Hi @smilingmore . Have you considered an apartment or even assisted living or retirement village near your daughter? Of course your gut will tell you what's right, but at 86, maybe taking it easy and not getting into the nightmare of buying a new home would be a good choice?

Yes, I considered all those, but my life won't fit into an apartment due to needing an art studio and having pets. I am active and I'm not ready for assisted living. Thank you for answering my post.

 

[smilingmore]

There are so many variables that it would be really hard for anyone to know if another person is making a mistake. I will say that I would be reluctant to put the money from my home into joint ownership with only one of my children, but that's just me. There very well may be reasons why you should do this and only you can know.

Hopefully there's a trusted person in your life outside your family whose advice you can trust. There are senior living counselors and retirement counselors, as well. I wish you well with your decision.

Thank you for responding to my post. I have seriously considered seeking a counselor.

 

[CallMeKate]

Yes, I considered all those, but my life won't fit into an apartment due to needing an art studio and having pets. I am active and I'm not ready for assisted living. Thank you for answering my post.

You're very welcome, @smilingmore . I'm sure you'll find a solution that is perfect for you. I hope I have half as much go-get'em and strength at 86 as you seem to have... and I still have 21 years to go and sometimes can't get moving.

 

[smilingmore]

My suggestion: sell your current house and rent in a seniors' complex. This way you will have the funds from the sale to enjoy.

To be fair to all my children, my estate will be divided 3 ways. As much as I love my grandchildren, they are NOT listed in my will. It is up to my children to provide for them. (an aside: my daughter has 3 children, one son has 2, the other son is childless - it would be unfair to the son without children to include the grands in my will.)

Hi, thank you for the suggestion of renting in a senior complex. I looked into it and they have too many rules such as the number of pets I can have, no street parking for guests, and the space they allot to me is much too small for a garden.

 

[smilingmore]

I think if I was in your situation and at your age, it's important to be close to family, not just for them to be able to monitor how you're doing, but to make the most of the years left with family (Assuming you get along well).
I think I would probably choose one of two options. You could add an ADU (Auxilliary Dwelling Unit) on your daughters property. Most building codes readily allow for that (Just something small, maybe 400 sq ft or so, or add on a bed/bath combo to her property with a separate entrance. In doing so, it will become hers when you pass, but it shouldn't take all your money, which you can put in the bank and use as you need, but with the other children as the P.O.D. (Payable on death) beneficiaries. That way no will or trust is even necessary, but you could leave a note explaining to them that the only reason your one daughter is receiving a little more in assetts is because she will be seeing to your care as you advance in age.
The other choice would be to move into an assisted living facility or independent living facility (Apartment) near your daughter, and again put your money in the bank to use as you need and list all the children as beneficiaries on the P.O.D. document at the bank.

Hi Bobcat, thank you for responding to my post. You idea is good of adding on to my daughter's property. In fact, she and her husband have been looking for vacant land to purchase so they can build a home for themselves and also one for me on the same property. Many things have happened such as Covid, increased interest, and increased land value that they have been unable to locate what they are looking for at the price they can afford to pay. Hopefully it is in the future.

 

[smilingmore]

Independent living is a luxury many wish they had. If you are comfortable & manage to take care of yourself as you seem to be able to, remain in your home. It should be no problem for your heirs to take turns calling you daily. At your age of 86 it would be nice if they were doing that now but the fear you may die and not be found seems to indicate not much communication is in place. Maybe your health care provider has a way to do routine wellness checks

Other than that post # 7 makes a lot of sense to me.

Thank you Knight. Talking to my health care provider is a good idea.

 

[bobcat]

Hi Bobcat, thank you for responding to my post. You idea is good of adding on to my daughter's property. In fact, she and her husband have been looking for vacant land to purchase so they can build a home for themselves and also one for me on the same property. Many things have happened such as Covid, increased interest, and increased land value that they have been unable to locate what they are looking for at the price they can afford to pay. Hopefully it is in the future.

Thank you for the response. Now that you have volunteered a bit more information, I can better understand your situation. Here may be a short term solution until something develops in a more permanent way. Read the following link:
Daily Check-In Services for Seniors Living Alone | SeniorResource.com