How do i say no to my daughter?? ==need advice!!==

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sprinkle85

New Member
:(:(:(My daughter is recently divorced and has taken it very hard. She had three children with her high school sweetheart and without warning he just left. My daughter whom we'll call Cindy, has in the past month, started to try and get out in the dating scene.

She is forty seven, but I feel she is trying to relive her youth. When she makes plans to go out at night she never fails to call me up and see if I'm busy. She rings me at any time of the day or night and gives me some sob story on why she cant watch the kids tonight, and like a total sad sap, I always feel bad and say yes. I feel that if I don't say yes only God knows who will be watching those sweet kids.

I really need advice on how to just tell her no and have some space to myself without feeling like I'm neglecting my Grand babies????:(:(
 

sprinkle85 said:
:(:(:(My daughter is recently divorced and has taken it very hard. She had three children with her high school sweetheart and without warning he just left. My daughter whom we'll call Cindy, has in the past month, started to try and get out in the dating scene. She is forty seven, but I feel she is trying to relive her youth. When she makes plans to go out at night she never fails to call me up and see if I'm busy. She rings me at any time of the day or night and gives me some sob story on why she cant watch the kids tonight, and like a total sad sap, I always feel bad and say yes. I feel that if I don't say yes only God knows who will be watching those sweet kids. I really need advice on how to just tell her no and have some space to myself without feeling like I'm neglecting my Grand babies????:(:(
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It sounds like she's trying to take advantage of you, very common in these situations. She's feeding off your guilt and good nature. How often does she do this? I would at least limit it to once a week. How old are the kids, and who would be the next choice of babysitter, would it be someone who might abuse them? It is probably hard to completely say no, but I suggest that you set firm limits, like once a week, or once every two weeks. The children should take first priority with her. Ideally, she'd get her emotional self together before getting with other men on dates, but life isn't always ideal, as we know. You absolutely need your own space at this time in your life, you've given of yourself many times over in the past. While you'd like to be helpful and care for your grandkids, you have to utilize some type of 'tough love' and set her straight on taking advantage of you. In the long run, it will help you, your daughter and her children.
 
I understand it's very very difficult. I helped my kids with paying for their education, however I learned that my son had got involved with certain people I'd rather not, and certain things I did not approve of. I had to cut him off financially, and I'm glad I did, he straightened up, and realized that he'd messed things up. I agree with SeaBreeze in that, tough love is needed sometimes.
 

It is a difficult situation you have here, what you need to do is sit her down and explain exactly how you are feeling, she will most probably start to cry and give you another sob story, you must not give in to this otherwise advantage will be taken all the time.

Talk to her calmly and everything should be alright, IF for some reason she gets mad then it means she really feels no regret for what she has done.
 
Sounds like Cindy needs some guidelines from you. Invite her and the kids for lunch or dinner, and, while keeping the conversation light, mention the topic. "How was the date with so and so?" or something like that. Once you are on the topic, you can tell her that you think it's great she's not wallowing in self pity, but that you need to be able to make plans, too. Don't get into her parenting skills. So you might tell HER, "I'd love to watch the kids every other Friday night" (for example). Tell her the last minute drop-offs are stressful for you. If it's an emergency, of course you understand, but in general, you think a schedule works best. And, it gives the grandkids (and you) something to look forward to!
 
Even though you are the grand-parent of these children, it does not mean you are guaranteed drop off point. I would sit down with your daughter and explain how you feel. Tell her the truth so that she knows that you do not want this to continue. There is nothing wrong with asking you to watch her children, but she should allow you sometime before she brings them by. You should also explain to her that they are her responsibility and she should make time for them just as much as her new love life. I can understand why she would not want to be alone however she should consider your feelings as well. If this makes her angry, give her some time. I am sure that she will come to realize what she is doing is unfair.
 
Just say 'not tonight'. She'll soon get the message. Entering into a debate or convrsation about what shes up to when you really have a hidden motive will only anger the situation. Or agree once a month/fortnight that you will have the children regularly. But you've done your time of raising chidlrne its time for you to relax and enjoy them.
 
She may not realize that she's intruding because she just might not be in the right frame of mind. I'm sure she'll come around but she will need to be told no or else she may not see that she's taking advantage of you. I think in this situation time will give her a better perspective, but in the short term you need to be blunt, but nice about about it.
 
I think you need to ask to talk to your daughter over coffee, etc. You need to explain how you feel and tell her you are worried and getting stressed out yourself. I hope she understands. Good luck.
 
She may not be understanding that you are feeling taken advantage of. It's best to have an open dialogue as the others are suggesting, I think. You might also consider spending a little one-on-one time with her, maybe? She might be feeling a little abandoned after her divorce. You said her husband left her, so she might be a bit delicate emotionally right now.
 

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Wow that's tough. I think the best thing you could probably do is sit down with her some day and let her know that it's hard for you to make your own plans since you are basically "on call" for her. Work out a schedule together and clearly define what days you are and are not available, and stick to it. If she calls you up on a day that is "yours", let her know that you can't help her out and you need her to respect your schedule.
 
You know it is OK for you to say no...you do have a life. Or give her a schedule of days you are willing to babysit and stick to it. Dont let her guilt trip you into doing something you dont want to do. Just becase your a grandparent doesnt mean that you are a built in babysitter. And if you continue like this your going to start resenting both your daughter and the kids. Stand up for yourself hun.
 
It's definitely okay to say No, although for some people it's a very difficult thing to do. Many who consider themselves 'people pleasers' are often taken advantage of due to their kind nature. But in the end, you owe it to yourself to set some limits, as it does affect the quality of your life. Hope you've made some progress with her.
 
Boundaries

SeaBreeze said:
It's definitely okay to say No, although for some people it's a very difficult thing to do. Many who consider themselves 'people pleasers' are often taken advantage of due to their kind nature. But in the end, you owe it to yourself to set some limits, as it does affect the quality of your life. Hope you've made some progress with her.
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Yes, I have had many a problem saying no. Now, my sister, in a nursing home, is my problem. She is constantly calling me for items and I finally just told her not to call so much.
As for the Grandmom who has a dating daughter with kids, I am surprised it would be last minute requests. Why would she agree to any date at the last minute? Tell her to make dates two weeks apart on a certain day.
 
Yes, I have had many a problem saying no. Now, my sister, in a nursing home, is my problem. She is constantly calling me for items and I finally just told her not to call so much.
As for the Grandmom who has a dating daughter with kids, I am surprised it would be last minute requests. Why would she agree to any date at the last minute? Tell her to make dates two weeks apart on a certain day.
 
Boundaries

The daughter must only agree to dates no more than twice a month, she does have children, and see if that works for her mother.
 
Advice

I've raised my daughter's daughter and am now raising my granddaughter's son. Sometimes it is difficult for us to say no to our children because we feel like it will hurt them or our granchildren. However, the key to remember is you're still your daughter's mother. She needs to respect you. Explain to Cindy how much she and the granchildren mean to you and that you sympathize with her situation. Also, explain the impact her last minute decisions are having on you. I'm sure she will understand. Stop feeling bad, you raised your daughter. Her children are her responsibility.
 
It's not how, it's when. Listen, she is never going to change her ways if you keep giving in. Say no, leave the house and let her take care of the kids. If she puts her kids in any kind of danger call the police and maybe a few days in jail will make her realize that her time as a teenager is over.
 
Honestly, just say that you will only babysit twice per week on specific days and no more. If she needs more time she should go for child support and day care support from her ex.

Family is suppose to be there to help but not all the time and whenever someone wants.
 
I'm sorry but your daughter needs to get a reality check. Eveyone feels liek they need to "catch up" after they get divorced or break up. Specially if they get dumped. But after your 30's you really need to start focusing on building a good future for yourself and your children and shes already in her 40's.

It's hard, but you need to call her on this.
 
A suggestion is to offer to watch your Grandchildren once or twice a week. And, then stick to only those times. That will give her plenty of time for herself, to help get her own act together. It's sad that your daughter is using you and also using her own children. And it doesn't sound like she needs to be dating, her focus needs to be on her children.

It's a shame that her husband walked out on her but legally, he does have an obligation, at least to be paying child support. With that child support money, she can afford to pay for a babysitter. It is not helping your grandchildren if your daughter is taking advantage of you. I would find support in your community to help you and your daughter through this situation.
 
I think 2 weeks in advance is a bit far out to wait for a date. But a couple of days is good form if she wants to use you as a babysitter. You just have to refuse her once and weather her anger before she realizes you are not a dishrag for her to wipe her feet upon. Don't worry about who she'll replace you with, there just are not that many people anxious to babysit.
 
It is really hard to be that situation, because you love you daughter and your grandkids,, but I also think that if you just sit down and let her know how you feel and have her understand then maybe she will realize that she is taken advantage of the situation and maybe come to some kind of an agreement that would work for everyone, without taking advantage of anyone and without hurting anybodys feelings. Good Luck.
 


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