How do you "forgive" an affair?

[fuzzybuddy]

I'm a tolerant type of guy, but ain't no way in hell would I forgive an affair. For me, it would be don't let the door hit you. Both my exes said they knew it would be over in a split second if they had one.
Have you forgiven an affair? How do you "forgive" an affair?

 

[feywon]

Depends on what you mean by 'forgive'. See for me forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, letting go of anger, pain, bitterness precipitated by the other person's behavior. It doesn't mean 'forgetting' or allowing the person to remain in your life in a way that they could hurt you. But then i've never been a jealous person. That annoyed the hell out of my very jealous first husband.

Which is not to say i'd have tolerated someone 'cheating' on what was supposedly a committed relationship. The lying, the lack of concern for not only my feelings but for my physical health (there were health risks pre HIV/AIDS but once that surfaced the risks greater. That would have ended it. But then i ended my 3rd marriage over incessant lies piling up along with one other factor i think i've talked about on long ago on another thread, that's irrelevant to this one.

But another question i have is, would you expect to be forgiven, by whatever your definition of that word is, if you cheated? This is an area of human relationships where double standards quite common.

My Dad was a good father, but not a faithful husband. For psychological reasons he frequently had a 'another woman' . Not excusing it, tho what i know of his upbringing explains it somewhat. What bothered me more and i later learned was common behavior in men who cheat was that he frequently accused his current wife of cheating. (He had 5 over the decades, i actually knew 2 of them besides my Mom who was his second.)

But i wouldn't allow someone else's unacceptable behavior to continue to cause me problems in the form of anger and bitterness whether we able to maintain our relationship or not. For that matter if one can't forgive (whatever the transgression) the relationship is likely doomed any way because the trust has been broken and it will be hard to re-establish since odds are the behavior will continue. People CAN change, but it takes powerful internal motivation to do so.

 

[hollydolly]

I'm a tolerant type of guy, but ain't no way in hell would I forgive an affair. For me, it would be don't let the door hit you. Both my exes said they knew it would be over in a split second if they had one.
Have you forgiven an affair? How do you "forgive" an affair?

Nope... this is why I'm right in the middle of a very messy divorce right now .

The trust has gone.. there's no going back. I hate him for what he did... he blew 24 years of marriage for an easy lay..... unforgivable...

 

[Murrmurr]

Depends on what you mean by 'forgive'. See for me forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, letting go of anger, pain, bitterness precipitated by the other person's behavior. It doesn't mean 'forgetting' or allowing the person to remain in your life in a way that they could hurt you. But then i've never been a jealous person. That annoyed the hell out of my very jealous first husband.

Which is not to say i'd have tolerated someone 'cheating' on what was supposedly a committed relationship. The lying, the lack of concern for not only my feelings but for my physical health (there were health risks pre HIV/AIDS but once that surfaced the risks greater. That would have ended it. But then i ended my 3rd marriage over incessant lies piling up along with one other factor i think i've talked about on long ago on another thread, that's irrelevant to this one.

But another question i have is, would you expect to be forgiven, by whatever your definition of that word is, if you cheated? This is an area of human relationships where double standards quite common.

My Dad was a good father, but not a faithful husband. For psychological reasons he frequently had a 'another woman' . Not excusing it, tho what i know of his upbringing explains it somewhat. What bothered me more and i later learned was common behavior in men who cheat was that he frequently accused his current wife of cheating. (He had 5 over the decades, i actually knew 2 of them besides my Mom who was his second.)

But i wouldn't allow someone else's unacceptable behavior to continue to cause me problems in the form of anger and bitterness whether we able to maintain our relationship or not. For that matter if one can't forgive (whatever the transgression) the relationship is likely doomed any way because the trust has been broken and it will be hard to re-establish since odds are the behavior will continue. People CAN change, but it takes powerful internal motivation to do so.

An old girlfriend of mine knew when her husband was cheating every time based on zero evidence except for his accusations that she was cheating. She only got solid evidence after she divorced him, when 3 of his girlfriends came forward. And they did that when they realized he'd been cheating on them, too.

 

[Aunt Bea]

It’s all too complicated for a one size fits all answer.

I could overlook a sexual indiscretion much easier than a true romantic affair.

 

[Murrmurr]

It's super easy to establish whether or not your relationship will be exclusive or open by just talking about it. So if you both agree to be faithful to each other, and then one of you has an affair, then it isn't only the affair that's the problem, it's that the whole relationship was a lie from the get-go. That's what I'd have a hard time forgiving.

With wedding vows, those promises are made on the spur of the moment. I don't know if many couples actually sit down and discuss affairs before that moment. I think it's usually just a given that you don't want your new spouse to ever have an affair. IMO, couples should talk about it, establish rules for what is or isn't acceptable, and what the consequences will likely be if those rules are broken.

 

[jujube]

I've only been cheated on once and that's when my first fiancee called off the wedding less than three weeks before the event because he had gotten another girl pregnant.

Yeah, I was 18 and stupid for planning to get married that young but hey, I was 18. What can I say?

Do I feel forgiveness toward him? I guess i do. After all these years, I realize he did me a BIG favor by removing himself from my life. I actually feel some gratitude.

 

[hollydolly]

It's super easy to establish whether or not your relationship will be exclusive or open by just talking about it. So if you both agree to be faithful to each other, and then one of you has an affair, then it isn't only the affair that's the problem, it's that the whole relationship was a lie from the get-go. That's what I'd have a hard time forgiving.

With wedding vows, those promises are made on the spur of the moment. I don't know if many couples actually sit down and discuss affairs before that moment. I think it's usually just a given that you don't want your new spouse to ever have an affair. IMO, couples should talk about it, establish rules for what is or isn't acceptable, and what the consequences will likely be if those rules are broken.

not in our case. I'd discussed it with him during our marriage and he always said ''Quote''..I could never do that to you, the very thought of hurting you like that make me very upset''.... LIAR!!

 

[JustDave]

I'm a tolerant type of guy, but ain't no way in hell would I forgive an affair. For me, it would be don't let the door hit you. Both my exes said they knew it would be over in a split second if they had one.
Have you forgiven an affair? How do you "forgive" an affair?

I'm pretty much like Feywon. Forgiving or not forgiving doesn't have much to do with it. My responsibility is to decide if I want to continue the relationship. The issue of forgiveness would be independent of that.

 

[hollydolly]

I'm pretty much like Feywon. Forgiving or not forgiving doesn't have much to do with it. My responsibility is to decide if I want to continue the relationship. The issue of forgiveness would be independent of that.

sooo you're talking as tho' it was just a one night stand..a digression... but here we're talking about full fledged affairs. This an emotional and physical transgression.. It might have gone on for months or years... you've been lied to all along...
..you may find as I did that during his affairs he didn't use any protection, therefore putting my life in danger , without a care..just to fulfil his sexual wants..


if you could forgive that knowing that this is now a part of your O/H's personality that you didn't know about before. that they've chosen to hurt you in the most awful way .. .. then good for you.. and the chances of them doing this to you again..would be very high...

 

[Pepper]

That would have been my breaking point. I told him that before we first moved in together.

 

[Murrmurr]

not in our case. I'd discussed it with him during our marriage and he always said ''Quote''..I could never do that to you, the very thought of hurting you like that make me very upset''.... LIAR!!

Well then it's YES in your case. You did discuss it. I always do, too. Well, ever since I divorced my first wife. That was a lesson learned.

 

[hollydolly]

Well then it's YES in your case. You did discuss it. I always do, too. Well, ever since I divorced my first wife. That was a lesson learned.

DITTO!!....

 

[JBR]

In the case of my first marriage, we had a church wedding to keep her family happy. But along with that, the initial agreement was we'd be faithful to one another. And, since we had a daughter when we were each 25, I took my commitment extra seriously... and avoided affairs.

However, my wife had one affair before our child was conceived. She told me how sorry she was, and how she'd recommitted. But, by time our daughter was 21/2 she'd decided to be 'free'... clearly, she'd married too young. There followed three affairs that I knew about, one (after we'd separated) involving a pregnancy and abortion. My trust in her died when the first affair after our parenthood occurred. Loss of trust led to loss of respect, which then led to loss of interest.

I filed for divorce, but in BC there was a legal option for filing after one year separation. I didn't want to drag her through court as "an adulteress". But in any case, she deiced not to show up at court, and decided against suing me for half of our assets. So, over the years, I was glad to have her out of my life in most respects. All in all, I chalked the whole story up to both of us being married too young. It took time, but I forgave her.

 

[Jules]

Why do some people get married when they already plan on screwing around? A beautiful young friend’s fiancé told another friend he planned on having extracurricular activities. They were the perfect looking, young professional couple. I moved away and never found out how that ended.

Then there’s the guy that’s messing around on his wedding day with one of the bridesmaids. I know of two of these cases and both finally ended in divorce. Actually, three thinking about it.

 

[mrstime]

I never had any reason to mistrust my DH. We were so young that everyone said we'd never last, now 67 years later everyone who said we'd never last has died. I never figured I'd last 67 years much less be married to the same man 67 years.

 

[Murrmurr]

Why do some people get married when they already plan on screwing around? A beautiful young friend’s fiancé told another friend he planned on having extracurricular activities. They were the perfect looking, young professional couple. I moved away and never found out how that ended.

Then there’s the guy that’s messing around on his wedding day with one of the bridesmaids. I know of two of these cases and both finally ended in divorce. Actually, three thinking about it.

I don't understand it either. Why marry? It's so stupid. If you're not monogamous, just say so! There's nothing wrong with that. It's wrong to marry under false pretenses....knowing the vows you're taking are a lie. In probly in 8 out of 10 marriages, that's going to end badly.

I'm sure some people marry intending to be 100% faithful. I'm not talking about them.

 

[Aunt Bea]

Why do some people get married when they already plan on screwing around? A beautiful young friend’s fiancé told another friend he planned on having extracurricular activities. They were the perfect looking, young professional couple. I moved away and never found out how that ended.

Then there’s the guy that’s messing around on his wedding day with one of the bridesmaids. I know of two of these cases and both finally ended in divorce. Actually, three thinking about it.

I think for some people the thrill of extramarital sex or anonymous sex is as addictive as drugs or alcohol are to others.

 

[officerripley]

I was living in a big city area when I was in my 20s back in the 1970s and almost all the guys I worked with (both married and single) were always going on about how "open" marriages were the only way to go, that monogamy is biologically unnatural for men.

 

[C50]

I wasted ten years of my life trying to get over my wife's affair, only to catch her in another. Lesson learned.

I think if a person is capable of screwing someone else and going home to your spouse/children/partner acting like nothing happened there's something wrong with you. To commit infidelity a person needs to lack the correct characteristics to be in a mynogamis relationship, so shouldn't be.

 

[VaughanJB]

Depends on what you mean by 'forgive'. See for me forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, letting go of anger, pain, bitterness precipitated by the other person's behavior. It doesn't mean 'forgetting' or allowing the person to remain in your life in a way that they could hurt you. But then i've never been a jealous person. That annoyed the hell out of my very jealous first husband.

Very, very wise words. Thanks for posting that.

I think you can forgive an affair, but first you have to unravel it. Why did the partner cheat? What was going on? Is there anything on the other side of the relationship that contributed?

Love is a strange bird. In many ways, it's irrational. You can't navigate it logically the whole time. And with marriage, especially long-term marriages, you committed to a lifetime of togetherness, better or worse. That either means something to you or not.

Which is not to say you should allow someone to walk all over you. This is especially true when there is violence in a marriage - all bets are off at that point. Addictions are also an issue - drug problems, alcoholism, or gambling - they're all heinous and require some tough decisions. Violence would be a line in the sand for me, the other things are possibly fixable, but will take time, monitoring, etc.

I know in my situation (which is quite different to this) the easiest thing to do would be to draw a line and go off on my merry way, finding a new partner to live out my days with. Much easier. But I can't do that. I'll keep working on things until I've exhausted every opportunity. I think that's what marriage is all about.

One final thought - bad things happen when there is no communication, or at the very least, honest communication.

 

[feywon]

An old girlfriend of mine knew when her husband was cheating every time based on zero evidence except for his accusations that she was cheating. She only got solid evidence after she divorced him, when 3 of his girlfriends came forward. And they did that when they realized he'd been cheating on them, too.

Am i a horrible person for laughing at that? I feel for bad the wife and 'other women'.

Can't help thinking about the story my Mom told me about taking my Grandma Nell (her long since ex MIL from her marriage to Dad) to see my eldest sister from Dad's first marriage who Mom raised for some years. While there Dad's first wife, Mom of my 3 sisters, dropped by-- the 4 women sat in the yard drinking beer and swapping 'Fred' stories, laughing till they cried. Only time Dad's 1st and 2nd wives were in same place that didn't end in an argument. But then G'ma Nell would have put a stop if it had started. Working class Irish Woman who's mind was sharp till she died at 98 yrs old. Nobody crossed her.

 

[chic]

If you love someone more than yourself, you can forgive anything. Maybe it's more putting things in perspective and moving forward?

 

[Rose65]

I couldn't ever tolerate or forgive infidelity and I couldn't be unfaithful myself. It is the worst of betrayal and disloyalty.

 

[Rose65]

I wasted ten years of my life trying to get over my wife's affair, only to catch her in another. Lesson learned.

I think if a person is capable of screwing someone else and going home to your spouse/children/partner acting like nothing happened there's something wrong with you. To commit infidelity a person needs to lack the correct characteristics to be in a mynogamis relationship, so shouldn't be.

You have suffered very much. I can't imagine such pain.