What is "NEED"? I have been married for 20 years. The hammar hit me in the head recently. So, I ask again ..... what is "NEED"?
How do you "forgive" an affair?
- Thread starter fuzzybuddy
- Start date
hollydolly
SF VIP
- Location
- London England
I know exactly how you feel. It's taken me 3 years now to actually speak more publicly about mine after 24 years of marriage ..... and then not the full events... It's too hard to
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You have no idea how close to your heart I am right now.
StarSong
Awkward is my Superpower
- Location
- Los Angeles Suburbs
What do you mean by the hammer hitting you in the head?
What I wrote, "I happen to be in a very good marriage, but staying has always been by choice, not because I NEED to be in a relationship." I meant that since my early twenties I've known I'm just fine living alone. Survived nicely socially, financially, emotionally, and was able to take care of whatever repairs or other problems cropped up. So I don't NEED to live with someone else because I can survive just fine either way.
Also, being alone doesn't make me feel lonely. That's not true for everyone.
That said, I'm glad to be in a very good, long-term marriage. But it's a preference, not a need.
I know and understand what you said. Never mind what I said. I'm not ready for it.
Forgiving and forgetting are two different things I can forgive a person who wrongs me but that doesn’t mean that I have to like what they did.
Forgiving is something that God wants us to do but that doesn’t mean that we have to allow anyone to treat us badly and maybe looking for a better way of life.
When you rid yourself of the person who treats you badly you aren’t necessarily punishing them as much as you are stopping them from treating you badly again.
I don’t think God wants us to accept abuse any more than he would want us to abuse others.
One of the hardest things for people to understand is that other people change.
The person who is madly in love with you today can be as madly in love with someone else next week.
Does that make them a bad person or mean that they wanted to hurt you?
Not necessarily it can mean that they aren’t as interested in being in a monogamous relationship as you are.
I don’t know the answer except that you somehow have to find that special person who wants the same things out of life that you do.
Forgiving is something that God wants us to do but that doesn’t mean that we have to allow anyone to treat us badly and maybe looking for a better way of life.
When you rid yourself of the person who treats you badly you aren’t necessarily punishing them as much as you are stopping them from treating you badly again.
I don’t think God wants us to accept abuse any more than he would want us to abuse others.
One of the hardest things for people to understand is that other people change.
The person who is madly in love with you today can be as madly in love with someone else next week.
Does that make them a bad person or mean that they wanted to hurt you?
Not necessarily it can mean that they aren’t as interested in being in a monogamous relationship as you are.
I don’t know the answer except that you somehow have to find that special person who wants the same things out of life that you do.
MACKTEXAS
Senior Member
I'm sorry if someone has hurt you.
The Bible model of forgiveness is conditional upon repentance; otherwise, unrepentant sinners would be going to heaven. Jesus didn't forgive both thieves on the cross - just the one who repented. We should follow his example.
Luke 17:3-4 (KJV version) says, "Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, 'I repent,' you shall forgive him."
I am going back to the OP of this thread because I think I have something to say that won't be the 'one size fits all' to the problem but may get to the heart of the matter.
You can call it forgive or forget or something else but if you've decided to stick with the relationship what you are really doing is telling yourself that you will allow your spouse to carry on cheating on you. I am not saying, "Once a cheat, always a cheat" but the message you are sending your spouse is that he/she can do it again and again and you will swallow your pride every time it happens. But those of you reading this already know it either full faced or subconsciously. Can you live with that?
Well? Can you?
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Yes.
Because they have convinced themselves that they deserve something better than you.
Oldeagle66
Senior Member
Nope, I've been there before. If it happens once it can happen again (and usually does). That's also a sign of bad character and judgement. If I catch someone once, it's completely over and I have a talent to disappear so completely it's spooky.
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Oldeagle66
Senior Member
Not a chance, some things have permanent consequences.If you love someone more than yourself, you can forgive anything. Maybe it's more putting things in perspective and moving forward?
Axel Slingerland
Blues Rocker
- Location
- 10 Miles North of Weedpatch
A friend of mine put it to his cheating wife something like this:
"Be glad you're the woman in our dead marriage. Because if I were the woman and you were the man you would not be able to write your name in the snow anymore."
"Be glad you're the woman in our dead marriage. Because if I were the woman and you were the man you would not be able to write your name in the snow anymore."
Then you've already set yourself up to be a victim.
That's right ... and it ain't "forward". Nor can it ever be.
OregonGuy
Senior Member
I agree. Forgiving is NOT forgetting. Forgiving should be to rid oneself of the poisen of hate.
Oldeagle66
Senior Member
Oldeagle66
Senior Member
People who cheat and want forgiveness just lack accountability.
papa tiger
Well-known Member
Many of the young no longer marry, have several children together.
Is with so-N-so, now!
Maybe its the blown out of the sky 1st marriages costs? Takes a decade to pay it off.
Is with so-N-so, now!
Maybe its the blown out of the sky 1st marriages costs? Takes a decade to pay it off.
I have to agree with that. It was mentioned by another that if you love your spouse more than you love yourself then you can forgive her/him and by some sort of logic the forgiveness denotes that the relationship will then be put into "perspective". Well OK, but the perspective is that the cheater loves her/himself more than she/he loves you ...... and VERY LIKELY doesn't love you at all. Yeah - "perspective".
Oldeagle66
Senior Member
Exactly
George1959
Senior Member
The question is not "how" but "do you forgive" an affair? The answers vary from "yes" to killing the partner. All of this already happened in my country and in both sexes.
Oldeagle66
Senior Member
Plenty of cheaters on the crime TV shows 6 ft under.
Oldeagle66
Senior Member
If I seen my neighbor putting something strange in the trunk at 2 am after he caught his wife cheating, I would not pay it any attention.
Nathan
SF VIP
- Location
- High Desert- Calif.
You forgive for your own peace, but personally I consider the relationship to be over.
Oldeagle66
Senior Member
Think before ya cheat. Life is not a game. Playing with peoples emotions are dangerous. Unless you have no character You'll learn.
fwtxcitywoman
Member
- Location
- Earth
The last time it happened to me, I dealt with it with a petition of divorce.