How do you process the issues and upsets in your life?

[Ronni]

Discussion of how I process stuff came up on another thread, and it made me curious what everyone's process is as they deal with the bumps that happen in life, whether it's dealing with another person and an argument or disagreement, or just working through something in your own head, I'm curious.

I am an over-sharer. My process is to communicate, everywhere, all the time, as I work through whatever the problem is. I journal too, and that helps, but I find that my process is greatly enhanced by getting feedback. I'm not looking for feedback to validate my position or opinion, I just want other points of view. I try and look at stuff from every side, every angle, and so it's particularly helpful to me when I can hear the way someone else sees what I'm dealing with, from their angle or perspective.

And like I said, another's perspective or opinion doesn't have to agree with my own, sometimes the very fact of another, totally different take will solidify mine.

Ron is totally different. He will just shut down in order to process. "Leave it with me" or "I need to think about that" or "I'm processing" is his approach. It's sometimes frustrating, because I'm the talker, but I've learned that the stuff that WE need to work through as a couple is easier to deal with when I allow him the time and the space for his own process. And then when we finally do get together to talk something through, it flows much better.

So, what's your process? Your partner's? How do you find compatibility between the two?

 

[johndoe]

No process. It's the WW2 saying of SNAFU or situation normal, all f*****up.

 

[Aunt Bea]

I learned at a very young age the less you expect the less disappointment you will face.

I calmly and quietly put up with my immediate family and a couple of very dear friends but if anyone else brings drama or disappointment into my life I cut them loose and move on.

 

[Fiona]

I used to write a lot in my journal, but now I have a tremor, so handwriting is difficult.

Mostly, I meditate. I use an app called InsightTimer, which has tons of free meditations, plus a nice timer.

 

[hollydolly]

I;'m very much like you Ronni... although I don't share too much personal stuff online..I used to but it was used as a bat to beat me with some time ago on another forum, so I don't do that any more... I feel it's sad, because often I would like other people's (those not related to me) take on the situation, but once bitten twice shy as they say, so I don't make my problems public...

My husband is exactly like Ron...it drives me up the wall...

 

[JustBonee]

I learned at a very young age the less you expect the less disappointment you will face.
I calmly and quietly put up with my immediate family and a couple of very dear friends but if anyone else brings drama or disappointment into my life I cut them loose and move on.

Absolutely ... I couldn't/wouldn't put up with any serious drama .... just not in my nature

 

[Gary O']

I get quiet
Think
Pray
Walk
Then sit with whoever is involved

Takes a day or two

Logic, reason needs to come to the fore

Without that, there's only opinions......and most of those are in regard to self
That gets hot...sticky

I've had folks say 'Why do you always have to be so freaking logical?!'
They are the selfish ones
must be very frustrating for them

 

[Keesha]

How do I process stuff and deal with problems?
The short answer? Social stuff? Not very well.
I’m an over sharer on sites but not in my real life which is something I’m becoming increasingly aware of and want to change hence the delete.

 

[jujube]

After my husband died and after the inevitable period of "IT'S NOT FAIR! THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!" I settled into my "TIHII Theory", which stands for This Is How It Is.

I came to understand that no, it's not fair and no, it wasn't supposed to happen but it did happen, unfair or not, and I had two options: sink into a bog of despair or pull on my big-girl panties and deal with it. The one option I didn't have was to change the past...….I could only deal with the future.

So I try to apply that to everyday "disasters". Break something irreplaceable? TIHII. Family problems? Well, you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family. TIHII. Corona Virus? This too shall pass. TIHII.

 

[Manatee]

Cuss out whatever is causing distress.

 

[Aneeda72]

I;'m very much like you Ronni... although I don't share too much personal stuff online..I used to but it was used as a bat to beat me with some time ago on another forum, so I don't do that any more... I feel it's sad, because often I would like other people's (those not related to me) take on the situation, but once bitten twice shy as they say, so I don't make my problems public...

My husband is exactly like Ron...it drives me up the wall...

You could private message with people on the forum you trust.

 

[Aneeda72]

My husband thinks he is always right. Therefore, if you prove to him he is wrong, he discounts that proof and still thinks he’s right. When asked why he did the direct opposite of what you asked him to do he says, “Because I did.” Or I didn’t near you, or I wasn’t listening, or it’s my money, or I didn’t think. Yup, he never thinks.

He doesn’t process anything. He just reacts.

As to how I react to his endless mindless emotional abuse, I used to lose it. Sometimes I still lose it, but a lot less often. A lot of times now I just let it go, not worth it-me getting upset. As my doctor said “since all the money I saved is gone, spent on this stupid house, just let it go.”

Why do I stay? (Someone will ask). Try living on 800 a month is my answer. Yes, I share a lot, and sometimes get beat up for it, but its nothing compared to his endless assault.

 

[chic]

I'm quiet and self contained mostly and do problem solve alone though I like to talk to friends and family members I know are kindred spirits. I also like to meditate and exercise as it helps me to relax and think more clearly.

BF is a blowhard. He says what he thinks without weighing the wisdom of his decision or who might get hurt by it. He orders everybody around, or tries to. He's got to have a crowd around him because he isn't mature enough to handle life on his own. He thinks he's right about everything. He isn't. I haven't seen him for over a month cuz he's taking the social distancing thing to the max. We disagree over this.

He doesn't know it yet, but we're heading for a breakup. I feel like a 17 year old saying that, but a crisis brings out the true nature of a person.

 

[Em in Ohio]

Perhaps I am weird. I "illustrate" with spreadsheet-type columns. Pro's/Con's, What-If scenarios, If/Then, etc.

 

[Marlene]

lots of reading; lots of writing; lots of what if scenarios; then some sort of decision about how I want to move forward. After all is said and done, it boils down to "exchange theory" are the rewards worth the costs?

 

[Gardenlover]

My brain doesn't usually start processing issues or problems until the darkest part of the night. Then it springs into action, looking at the issue and possible solutions and their related ramifications from as many different angles as possible. I call it the chess strategy.
[Edit] But a better term may be "Things that go bump in the night."

 

[Gardenlover]

lots of reading; lots of writing; lots of what if scenarios; then some sort of decision about how I want to move forward. After all is said and done, it boils down to "exchange theory" are the rewards worth the costs?

Kinda like the structured if–then–else statements used in programming. I like it.

 

[Marlene]

Kinda like the structured if–then–else statements used in programming. I like it.

hmmm, Gardenlover, I wonder if that could be because I was a programmer/analyst for several years before I went back to school to be a sociology professor. . .hmmmmm yep, you caught me. . .I think in flowcharts

 

[Em in Ohio]

Kinda like the structured if–then–else statements used in programming. I like it.

Yes, it seems several of us need to examine things 'outside of our heads.' Otherwise, for me, the thoughts just keep swirling around, getting nowhere. EDIT: My earlier post was "Perhaps I am weird. I "illustrate" with spreadsheet-type columns. Pro's/Con's, What-If scenarios, If/Then, etc. "

Now I don't feel weird!

I'm wondering if anyone has looked back at their old problem-solving spreadsheets, flowcharts, and worksheets to see how the decisions that we made from them eventually turned out?

 

[Pecos]

Yes, it seems several of us need to examine things 'outside of our heads.' Otherwise, for me, the thoughts just keep swirling around, getting nowhere. EDIT: My earlier post was "Perhaps I am weird. I "illustrate" with spreadsheet-type columns. Pro's/Con's, What-If scenarios, If/Then, etc. "

Now I don't feel weird!

I'm wondering if anyone has looked back at their old problem-solving spreadsheets, flowcharts, and worksheets to see how the decisions that we made from them eventually turned out?

I have, and they turned out to be reasonably accurate, even with the estimates, probabilities, and liberal usage of the "central limit theorem."

Unfortunately, this approach doesn't work with people. Some people can be helped or fixed, and some cannot. Sometimes the best thing one can do is simply to protect the other people around them.

And sometimes, particularly when you find that you are powerless, you just need to grab your "ditty" bag and walk away.

 

[drifter]

My husband thinks he is always right. Therefore, if you prove to him he is wrong, he discounts that proof and still thinks he’s right. When asked why he did the direct opposite of what you asked him to do he says, “Because I did.” Or I didn’t near you, or I wasn’t listening, or it’s my money, or I didn’t think. Yup, he never thinks.

He doesn’t process anything. He just reacts.

As to how I react to his endless mindless emotional abuse, I used to lose it. Sometimes I still lose it, but a lot less often. A lot of times now I just let it go, not worth it-me getting upset. As my doctor said “since all the money I saved is gone, spent on this stupid house, just let it go.”

Why do I stay? (Someone will ask). Try living on 800 a month is my answer. Yes, I share a lot, and sometimes get beat up for it, but its nothing compared to his endless assault.

Sorry for that.

 

[drifter]

I have to think about things, mull them over, consider solutions. But I haven't always been this way.

 

[OneEyedDiva]

I tend to let things that really bother me flood my mind, especially if it's something I have no control over. I don't like not having control over what happens in my life, but life is like that. If it's a situation I can solve, no matter how unpleasant, I just go ahead and take care of it. I may dwell on thoughts for a couple of days before my mind settles down. With the events connected to my husband's death, it took me a few months to process those conflicting thoughts and work through the stages of grief. I have a couple of good friends and my son's ex (my Honorary daughter) that I can talk with about what's bothering me. Many times we wind up laughing about something and that helps. It also helps me to lose myself in my T.V. shows, listening to music and social networking. A couple of months after my husband died, my son started hosting/deejaying his dance music parties at a local club once a month. I would go and dance the night away. It helped me to release the pain and stress.

 

[jujube]

He doesn't know it yet, but we're heading for a breakup. I feel like a 17 year old saying that, but a crisis brings out the true nature of a person.

I think we will see a lot of break-ups, trial separations and divorces when things get back to "normal". Between "cabin fever", money problems and an involuntary thinking-it-out-time, a lot of people are going to say "I can't put up with this anymore."

My husband thinks he is always right. Therefore, if you prove to him he is wrong, he discounts that proof and still thinks he’s right. When asked why he did the direct opposite of what you asked him to do he says, “Because I did.” Or I didn’t near you, or I wasn’t listening, or it’s my money, or I didn’t think. Yup, he never thinks.

He doesn’t process anything. He just reacts.

As to how I react to his endless mindless emotional abuse, I used to lose it. Sometimes I still lose it, but a lot less often. A lot of times now I just let it go, not worth it-me getting upset. As my doctor said “since all the money I saved is gone, spent on this stupid house, just let it go.”

Why do I stay? (Someone will ask). Try living on 800 a month is my answer. Yes, I share a lot, and sometimes get beat up for it, but its nothing compared to his endless assault.

If I didn't know better, I'd swear you were married to my brother-in-law. Sounds just like him.

 

[Gaer]

I sleep on it. overnight. Generally in the morning, I know what to do. Everything works out the way it's supposed to work out. Silly to fight it or worry about it.