How to avoid stating the obvious

M

Muskrat

Senior Member
Location
Mainly arizona
I have a friend I have known for over fifty years. She was my very best friend thru junior high and high school…but during college my wilder ways made us choose different paths and friends. During this time we were roommates…and it became clear she had a bad eating disorder.
Fast forward to present…she is in a stable long term marriage…but desperately unhappy with so many things. I very very strongly suspect she still has an eating disorder. She is an alcoholic who is currently pretending to be sustaining sobriety. She is a drama queen. She is a total train wreck. Last night I spent over 90 minutes hearing about various woes that sound fairly minor to me…but are life alterating to her. How can I help without totally losing my patience?
 

This is not the answer you want to hear.

Things like "desperately unhappy," "eating disorder," "alcoholic who is currently pretending to be sustaining sobriety," "drama queen," have probably been going on a long, long time, and it is unlikely she is able or willing to change, nor be open to the suggestion of getting help. If you SEE all this, there is even more that you don't see. She could be at risk of harming herself.

I have a hard time dismissing people like that. They may be right on the edge, and I don't want to say or do anything that might push them over it. If you are able to be a sympathetic listener and encourager, you might be there in that way now and then for her, but listening to her for "90 minutes" is a bit much; cut it shorter with gentleness.

It will be a hard task, since it could drag you down, while doing little to lift her up.
 
Muskrat said:
I have a friend I have known for over fifty years. She was my very best friend thru junior high and high school…but during college my wilder ways made us choose different paths and friends. During this time we were roommates…and it became clear she had a bad eating disorder.
Fast forward to present…she is in a stable long term marriage…but desperately unhappy with so many things. I very very strongly suspect she still has an eating disorder. She is an alcoholic who is currently pretending to be sustaining sobriety. She is a drama queen. She is a total train wreck. Last night I spent over 90 minutes hearing about various woes that sound fairly minor to me…but are life alterating to her. How can I help without totally losing my patience?
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You cannot change or control other people. Let her know you care, then KINDLY suggest she consider counselling and let it go. That is about all you can do.
 

If you can have a conversation without judging, that is a good start. Try to stay compassionate and do more listening than talking. Find a time where you think she will be more receptive to a conversation and not accuse you of interfering in her life. Perhaps you can suggest activities you can do together like walking or a hobby you can do together like attending painting classes. Tell her you are there for her when she needs to talk but sometimes it is better to seek a professional. Suggest you initially can go together to check things out and leave it at that. She has to be the one to take the first step in acknowledging there is a problem.
 
I just don't have the patience to deal with people and their problems anymore, unless it is my immediate family. I would suggest counselling to her. If she keeps on calling and trying to keep you on the phone forever, I would tell her that I have my own problems to deal with and I don't have time to speak to her. If she asks what problems, I would tell her that I'm not comfortable discussing them. If she continues to call, I would ignore her calls or tell her that she has to phone another friend because I don't have the time to talk to her.
 
It's kind of tough I admit the answer I've got is only that "You cannot save every puppy in the pound"

I've seen people run themselves to death almost, trying to care for a few dozen animals at their own rescue. And while they may feel good about what they're doing their body does not like it.
 
Muskrat said:
I have a friend I have known for over fifty years. She was my very best friend thru junior high and high school…but during college my wilder ways made us choose different paths and friends. During this time we were roommates…and it became clear she had a bad eating disorder.
Fast forward to present…she is in a stable long term marriage…but desperately unhappy with so many things. I very very strongly suspect she still has an eating disorder. She is an alcoholic who is currently pretending to be sustaining sobriety. She is a drama queen. She is a total train wreck. Last night I spent over 90 minutes hearing about various woes that sound fairly minor to me…but are life alterating to her. How can I help without totally losing my patience?
Click to expand...
I know someone like that. There was a lot of wasted effort by caring people hoping she would change. She met a guy and moved away. Now he is dealing with the problem.
 

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