How to give a cat a pill:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cats cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. FORCE jaws open and PUSH pill to back of mouth with right forefinger, hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from yard.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignoring low growls emitted by cat, get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth, drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
8. Carefully sweep floor of shattered figurines and vases and set aside for gluing later.
9. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible, Put pill in the end of a drinking straw, FORCE cat’s mouth open and blow pill down straw.
10. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
11. Retrieve cat from roof of neighbor's shed.
12. Get another pill, Force cat’s mouth open with dessertspoon, flick pill down throat with rubber band, close cat's mouth and hold shut to the count of 30.
13. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot.
14. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across the road,
apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
15. Take last pill from foil wrap.
16. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to
leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by piece of steak. BE ROUGH ABOUT IT. Hold cat's head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
17. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
How to Give a Dog a Pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon.
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cats cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. FORCE jaws open and PUSH pill to back of mouth with right forefinger, hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from yard.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignoring low growls emitted by cat, get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth, drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
8. Carefully sweep floor of shattered figurines and vases and set aside for gluing later.
9. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible, Put pill in the end of a drinking straw, FORCE cat’s mouth open and blow pill down straw.
10. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
11. Retrieve cat from roof of neighbor's shed.
12. Get another pill, Force cat’s mouth open with dessertspoon, flick pill down throat with rubber band, close cat's mouth and hold shut to the count of 30.
13. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot.
14. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across the road,
apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
15. Take last pill from foil wrap.
16. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to
leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by piece of steak. BE ROUGH ABOUT IT. Hold cat's head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
17. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
How to Give a Dog a Pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon.
