How to Help Someone Who Won’t Help Themselves?

[Tish]

Gary O'
So sorry the eggs were bad, but at least you didn't find out the hard way.
I threw caution to the wind once with eggs, you never saw someone run as fast from the kitchen to the compost pile out the back.
My husband may he rest in peace just shook his head at me and said "Should have floated them"

 

[Tommy]

“We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves.” ~Pema Chodron

Very rarely do people open up to genuine help when they feel like someone is looking down on them or projecting onto them. None of us want to feel judged, misunderstood, or coerced into believing something when we’re not ready.

So what do we want? What is it that helps people create change when they’re struggling and resistant to help?

I try to set a consistent, positive example.

I respect their basic human dignity.

I pray for them ... "impossible" is God's starting point.

 

[Gary O']

Heh, saw an ol' gal struggling to put her groceries into her car
I came over and hoisted a large bag of dog food
She all but tore it outa my hands
Said something like 'I can do my own'

Independent ol' bat

 

[grahamg]

Heh, saw an ol' gal struggling to put her groceries into her car
I came over and hoisted a large bag of dog food
She all but tore it outa my hands
Said something like 'I can do my own' Independent ol' bat

But you do have to try to understand her point of view.
My own father refused the help offered by a son in law, when moving a Fordson Major tractor front wheel around the yard. They are heavy steel rims, designed to keep the front of the tractor stable when you're driving, so heavy bits of kit, but he wouldn't have this young whipper snapper thinking he couldn't do the job, aged eighty. !

 

[Linda]

I don't want to butt into someone's life and challenges if they don't want me to. Some people want to work things out for themselves or just let the problems go and consume them. Some folks identify with their problems and don't want anyone else trying to take their identity away.

I am very helpful and have helped a lot of people but I also know when to step back and let people alone.

One simplified example would be; have you ever helped someone clean and organize a messy hoarder type of home? Then you go back a month later and they are there again living like pigs. Want to go back in and clean up their home and take out bags of garbage etc? Not me.

 

[Gary O']

But you do have to try to understand her point of view.

Oh, I totally understand

I'm gonna be her in not so many years

 

[grahamg]

I don't want to butt into someone's life and challenges if they don't want me to. Break. I am very helpful and have helped a lot of people but I also know when to step back and let people alone. One simplified example would be; have you ever helped someone clean and organize a messy hoarder type of home? Then you go back a month later and they are there again living like pigs.

There are degrees of slovenliness, and I hope I fit into the first group.
My mother had a sign on her door, "CONDEMNED" Room Unfit for Human Habitation!, (that was a joke against some daughters prone to criticise her housekeeping when she got older, though mum was never overly tidy, "preferring the lived it look", rather than the "all for show" type of house! .

 

[Ruthanne]

Who is to say someone isn't helping themselves. A person can be on a path that is unknown to others and only he/she knows about it. We can not know what a person is definitively going to do until we see the results of that some day. I don't think we should look to try and control or judge what others do or how long it takes them after all, it is their life, and no one else's and we all have the freedom to do as we will in our lives.

 

[ELjane]

What I would prefer in terms of helping other people is simply being a guide. There is no doubt in my mind and through my experience that people will do what they want to do whatever advice you may want to give them. I have learned to be a listener (hopefully) and will now throw back the question 'what do you want to do'? or 'what do you think is the right way to move forward 'etc etc? Given my background I don't want to question the ways of others but perhaps attempt to get them to question their ways. We all have an opportunity to turn our lives around but some find it more difficult than others, I understand that, but I would also say that sometimes there are people who just want to offload time and time again and do not want to move on (The boy who cried wolf). When we feel we are helping we feel lifted when we feel we are being continuously the 'off loader' we are drained. For me therein lies the difference.
In simple words do what you can but not at the expense of your own physical health or mental health. Hope this is makes sense. ☺

Just yesterday I talked to my daughter about her work at counseling & she said she doesn't 'tell' a troubled person what to do about their problem, but instead tries to guide them to various ways they could try, to solve their problem(s). She won't discount their views on their problems as wrong, (or stupid). Patience, and endurance is very necessary for a counselor to have. She has to deal with people who just want to offload, too.