I’m having a tough time.

ME/TOO said:
Thsnk you for your advice. The reason for not driving is my vision.. I’m legally blind in one eye and the other is not that good.. so Im limited. If I could have stayed I would have, but I’m in a country setting..also the house would be too much for me to care for.. with taxes and other expenses..of upkeep of the grounds, etc.. I could move back there to a retirement village.. but I would have no one around me ..
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You would have all the other folks who live at the retirement village around you! There may even be people there who you already know.

And there's this: You can choose your friends. You can't choose your family.

Your DD and her family can certainly drive an hour to visit.
 

If you decide to sell the house and move to the retirement village, I believe you will feel less lonely. You will be surrounded by people that share commun interests. You can continue to live independently while enjoying the company of others when you so desire.
In our 55 plus communities here in Florida for example, I see people helping people, supporting each other, sharing rides, hobbies and travel. Your mind becomes busy thinking about positive things and future adventures.
Some join the single activities and travel clubs. Some even meet a new partner and get married or decide to live together. Some decide to share an apartment or house as roommates to lower their individual costs as well as killing loneliness.
You have the time to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. Try to focus on a positive future instead of making a quick decision you might regret. I understand that it is a difficult time for you and I wish you good luck.
 
ME/TOO said:
Well a good for you! However, it’s not ALL O E SIZE FITS!
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I am sorry that what I said offended you. I apologize.

What I was trying to convey is that you, too, may find a way to get past the emotional trauma which you seem to be suffering. Each of us has our own path to tread. I hope you can find yours.

You have some difficult decisions to make. I wish you the best.
 

GoodEnuff said:
I am sorry that what I said offended you. I apologize.

What I was trying to convey is that you, too, may find a way to get past the emotional trauma which you seem to be suffering. Each of us has our own path to tread. I hope you can find yours.

You have some difficult decisions to make. I wish you the best.
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Thank you .. I appreciate your follow-up reply.
I answered the way I did, because I’ve heard too many people say (not to me..but others) when are they going to move on! That Always infuriated me! I believe there, No Time Limit! Everyone is different in All Emotions… So with myself, I’d rather be alone till I’m ready… that’s just me…
 
Georgiagranny said:
Well, now, aren't you just the sweet voice of compassion? One side of what story? She lost her DH. She's unhappy living with her DD/DSIL and their kids. She has no other family. She has a house that she wants to sell. She doesn't drive.

Is there a side that makes her unhappiness and loneliness unreasonable?
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You explained it Exactly as it is! Nothing hidden, no dark side….people always have to feel there
is something more to a story! Yes! They want me to wait till it’s convenient for them… they rather I live with them instead of elsewhere…which is fine ..
But My FOCUS- Is Selling my House!
 
@ME/TOO I just happened to see this article on MSN this morning. I wasn't going to read it but did for some reason. You must have been the "some reason."

MSN

A sentence that really stands out is "Use your savings to secure your independence first." Do that!

Ask your DD to take you to your house, and be prepared to stay there. It's pretty awful at first...I know this from experience...and you're not going to "get over" it. It does, however, get easier to bear.

Interview some realtors and choose one, but don't sign a contract with one before you're ready. Get advice on what repairs and maintenance are needed and how best to stage the house. Do that. Then sign a contract with a realtor to sell your house at a realistic price (ask if the realtor thinks it best to get an appraisal and ask for suggestions for contractors/handymen) and remember that the realtor works for you. You're the one who's paying the commission.

Are there grocery delivery services near you? Friends who could take you grocery shopping, to doctors' appointments and such? Do you have a religious affiliation? If so, can you get some grief counseling from your pastor?

Do keep in touch via email, text, phone, with your friends at "home." And don't forget to keep in touch with us, too:). We care. Many of us have been widowed and all at sea for a while. We made it or are making it. You can do it, too. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

When you get up every morning, look at the coming day as an opportunity to solve one more problem to get closer to your goal.

When you go to bed each night, remind yourself of what you've accomplished.

Rinse and repeat.
 
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@ME/TOO I'm just full of ideas today! Something else to think about is that if you get railroaded into giving your DD/DSIL the money from the sale of your house and they buy another one...what happens to you if something happens to your DD? If your name isn't on the deed and there's no provision for a lifetime estate for you, will you have to leave?
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That's another reason for you to secure your independence first.
 
@ME/TOO
Like Georgiagranny and other SF Friends I'm thinking of you and your situation and trying to get you some ideas or solutions. Instead of a will we have a Family Trust. This was established by an attorney. The advantages are that our daughter will be able to access our funds without delay upon our death unlike a regular will where it takes more time. Perhaps if you were to decide to do it this way and inform her of it, she will back down a bit knowing that funds will be coming to her eventually .
I was watching one of the senior advice videos on YouTube that explained that some people love to play with our insecurities and vulnerabilities. In those cases, we must impose boundaries and set rules. We must show them that we will not accept them making decisions for us.
I hope that can help you a little.
 
If my family treated the way you are being treated, I would be gone away from them period!

Seems all they are after is your money when you get it. You think they treat you bad now, wait till you get that money...they will force you to spend it on them or outright force you to give it to them. Don't be fooled get out and go to a place for elderly. Make sure they understand that they are no longer welcome! Keep your money and make some new friends. Time to enjoy the time you have left...
 
@Timewise 60+ That seems a little drastic right out of the gate.

Keep in mind that @ME/TOO's DD is the only family she has. It would create hard feelings and cut her DD/DSIL and grandchildren off altogether without making an effort to keep peace and set boundaries. It would probably be more sensible to get the advice of knowledgeable people...attorney, pastor, therapist, counselor. Maybe family counseling would also be in order.

I think what we're trying to do here is to help @ME/TOO figure out options and a way forward.
 
@ME/TOO …you certainly have my sympathy. The only advice I can think to give is to find an estate planning lawyer. You need to find out (at our ages it is imperative we ALL understand this) all your options to use your assets wisely. You need to have an idea how best to proceed. For instance….if you sold your house and gave the children the money…how does medicaid look at that? You could end up in a care facility even if your family thinks they want to care for you
. My mother was living with me after a stroke. Then she fell and broke her neck. She never walked again. Then she had another stroke becoming total care….and my stepdad called the shots and they moved to a facility. It was only thru preemptive planning that they did not spend every dime on her care. You need to know what you can and cannot do. When you have some legal guidance it might actually help with the family situation.
 
@ME/TOO In order for this to truly work, everyone involved needs to give their input fairly and honestly. Have this conversation with your daughter and present your feelings and fears clearly. Tell her how you feel about living in a senior apartment, how you value your independence. Don’t cut her off from your life. Tell her she is still a huge part of it. Explain how living with them might make you feel – you know there would be many adjustments to that arrangement. Tell her you want to make you own decisions with support and advice from her.

Maybe she is reacting from a place of worry, or perhaps she is unsure about the present arrangement but doesn’t feel it is anyone else’s responsibility to help you out. I sincerely hope this all works out well for all of you. Hugs.
 
astralcat said:
Maybe she is reacting from a place of worry, or perhaps she is unsure about the present arrangement but doesn’t feel it is anyone else’s responsibility to help you out.
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I think that was what was meant by 'the other side of the story' not that there is any dark side - just how does your daughter feel about current arrangement, is she worried you are making impulsive decisions etc
What is her perspective on it?

I agree an honest 'cards on the table' conversation would be good - and possibly a family counsellor to enable this to be done clearly.
 

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