I’m living parallel lives.

[Ronni]

There’s the one where it’s a couple of months after Devin’s death, and I’m returning to a degree of normalcy. I’m going to work, going out with my husband, meal planning, grocery shopping, walking the dogs, cleaning the house, doing the laundry….all of the normal daily or weekly tasks that went out the window for a while because I was non-functional, but now I’m back to doing again.

I’m still having trouble being social. I understand at some point I’ll be able to, but not yet, and I don’t know when I’ll be able to tolerate it.

But then there’s the other life. The one where I’m constantly on the verge of tears. Where I want to scream every minute of every day that my son is dead and why is the world still turning? Where there is constant emotional pain that feels like my heart is literally breaking. A dread that hums in the background of everything I do, a foreboding of a future that will never cease to be painful.

I don’t have the words to articulate what that feels like, that dichotomy of two separate lives running concurrently, the one normal, the other that is so incredibly, wretchedly painful, and will never be normal again. The disconnect. The surreality. The space I inhabit that is divided into two very distinct parts, and I’m existing in both at the same time, but surviving in neither.

The best I can do is to figure out how to manage this new impossible reality, this duality of lives, this cognitive dissonance.

It’s so hard.

 

[Ruthanne]

I hear you and feel for you. Hugs., ,,

 

[Devi]

I get it, and am sorry for how difficult this is for you. Hugs from me, too.

 

[againstthegrain]

I think you're doing very well under the circumstances. Your very articulate post describing the 2 worlds makes it's obvious to me you'll pull through this. You are surviving, you can get through it.

 

[Jules]

I can’t even imagine the pain a mother goes through. You have described it well and that still doesn’t make it any easier for you.

 

[Dustbunny]

Hugs. I have no words for how my heart feels for you.

 

[ohioboy]

We are all thinking of you.

 

[Gary O']

I think you're doing very well under the circumstances. Your very articulate post describing the 2 worlds makes it's obvious to me you'll pull through this. You are surviving, you can get through it.

Good observation

I want to scream

Please do
It's a release

 

[jujube]

{{hugs}}, Ronni.

 

[RadishRose]

Thinking of you Ronni

 

[Blessed]

Ronni I can't even imagine the grief of losing your beloved son. I have lived the live you are describing now for 14 years, this after the death of my husband, my high school sweetheart. I could not even begin to imagine the loss of our son. Please know we all think of you daily and the pain and anguish you are suffering. I hate to say it but it is true for us all that have lost a spouse or even worse a child that this is something you don't get over.

The heartbreak is forever, the only thing that changes is how we learn to adapt to it. There is no correct way, the only thing thing you can do is accept the loss each morning you wake, cry when you need to, slip away when you need to be alone in your feelings. Do not worry if others think you should be over it, this is your heartbreak and you will heal a little when you are ready. Be up front with your loved ones, let them know this is a wound that will not heal but you are doing your best. Walk away when you need solitude. Remember God loves you and holds your son in his arms.

 

[AnnieA]

(((((Ronnie))))Have had you on my mind a lot lately. Continued prayers.

 

[DebraMae]

Just sending a hug.

 

[SeaBreeze]

@Ronni, just saw this thread. I think about you often and my heart goes out to you. Sending love, hugs and hope to you, you're going through a lot of heartache and I think you're dealing with it as best you can. Please take care of yourself dear lady.