I am really in a struggle, ie Dil

[OneEyedDiva]

I understand your concern about having money you worked hard for and saved up being squandered on foolishness instead of being put to good use by your son. But it is ultimately his decision if he wants to spend it on/for his wife. Hopefully he won't find himself in a big financial hole because he does not reign in her spending.

Maybe it's technically "none of your business", but IMO it would be callous not to be concerned about him under those circumstances. However, once your gone, you won't know what's done with the money. Speak to your attorney...perhaps he/she can guide you as to whether it's best to set up trusts for your son and "grandson". If you do decide to tell your son about your change in the will, make sure he understands that the finances you have now could possibly dwindle to little or nothing if you have to have long term and/or end of life care.

 

[Della]

I do think sometimes controlling the money is necessary. My son had issues. Not the least of is mental illness and addiction. He will have a trust. That way he will leep a roof over his head and a monthly stipend.

Same here. In fact, unbeknownst to him, we have already made him joint owner on our house and on our bank accounts. We've also started moving our savings from Vanguard into that local bank account. Reason being, if Hubs and I went together in a car accident (not far fetched considering his driving these days,) then Son could remain in this house and have money to use without having to go through any complicated red tape. He has no addiction issues but he would be a nervous wreck over decisions like home buying.

I was already thinking of addiction, which is so prevalent with young people today, as another good reason for trusts. In fact, addicted or not, giving an 18 year-old $200,000 and saying 'now spend this on college or partying, your choice,' seems like asking too much of them to me.

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Blessed, if you set up a trust for grandson's education and then need the money for yourself someday, you would have no trouble moving it back into your checking so long as the trust was made, "revocable."

IMO I wouldn't tell your son anything about your will at this point. He doesn't need to know your plans. Why start something up today, when he and she may be divorced in ten years.

 

[HoneyNut]

...I do not want her to spend that money for what I consider to be vain, stupid, irresponsible reasons. ...she was having facials and hair treatments that cost hundreds of dollars each visit.
...last time she was over, happy they could pay for the new stuff over time. ... I could have blown it on stupid things, a new car, but no, I still drive a perfectly good 2008 model ... I will make sure funds are set aside and available for her son (my grandson) to attend college. The rest of the funds may have to be held in trust for a length of time.

How much money total per year do you think she is spending? And how does it compare to other personal-choice type expenditures? If she was spending the same amount of money on ski vacations, cruises, travel, horses, golfing, flying lessons, yachting, art collecting, antiques, jewelry, dressy clothes/shoes, designer handbags, etc., would any of those be acceptable to you?

If not, how much money do you think is appropriate to allow her to fritter away on her own personal interests/hobbies?

If she was spending the same amount on her son's hobbies instead of on herself, would you feel like that was an acceptable way to spend money?

In my opinion, it doesn't matter what she spends on (unless it was gambling, drugs, etc), but might matter if it is truly an unusual and excessive amount. "Hundreds of dollars each visit" just doesn't sound that bad really.

Regarding paying over time, is that without interest? That's how I'm paying for my new washer/dryer, it has a no-interest if paid with 18 months, and I consider that a smart choice to use.

I don't have any opinion about making people wait for their inheritance, it's all a gamble, they might be responsible now and become irresponsible later, or vice-versa. I noticed in the news this past month that Warren Buffet decided his kids were responsible enough now to put in charge of his charity disbursements. I googled and his kids are ages 66 yr, 69 yr, and 70 yr. It seems pretty funny that only now he decides they are mature enough to handle it, but OTOH, his charity money is probably several tens of billions of dollars, so maybe that does require extra maturity.

 

[Blessed]

i sure hope during those 3 1/2 years that they helped you...yes helped you ..do they help you in anyway now?...not with money ..but needed help

My son helped me, he took care of the yard work and anything else I asked. I will also say that my Mother lived with us for 2 years during that time. A family friend also stayed here during recover from a leg amputation for about 3 months.

He was my friend since first grade, husband's best friend since the age of 15. He was the person during my husband's cancer battle that we could count on. He was considered family. He never married or had children. He passed suddenly in 2020 and left his estate to my son. I was the executor of his will. of He was also a mail carrier so I know some of those funds went into a retirement fund. There was some money from the sale of his home, also a new car, that was just a year old, a loaded SUV that was about $45 thousand new. She drives that as her everyday car.

I do not know what was done with the funds from the sale of his home. It was not my business and I never have asked my son. I do know that she left her long time job in the financial business (a large credit union) where her Mom and Dad worked. She went to cosmetology school and some of the funds were used to pay for that and for household expenses for a year it took to get her through school.

I have never questioned their decisions, not my place. I have never been to their home.

This link may be helpful. You get to establish the age at which money would be released. Maybe the age 35 has to do with a 529? I personally wouldn't set something up that would "demand" someone goes to college. Many are choosing not to do that. With a regular trust fund released at age 21 or 25, it would allow him to decide whether or not to use it for college.
How Trust Funds Can Safeguard Your Children

I agree with that, he does not have to go to school but I think those ages are too young to be given a large amount of money. Young people for the most part are not prepared to make the best financial choices. I set up my will so that my son could not have access to the money until his 35th birthday. His Aunt and Uncle would be in charge of investments until then. My son will be 36 in about a week so when I pass he will have immediate access to my accounts.

I have set up most things to be payable to him upon my death. The only thing is the house. Of course he will get that. He can sell or might choose to live here. It is larger than his home, in a better school district and continues to rise in value. I hope that my health will stay steady and there will not be a need to sell the home for expenses of assisted living or nursing

 

[Lilac]

Go to an attorney and talk about the pros & cons on a college only trust fund. Your grandson may not want to go to college, but use the money for a house or invest it for his future another way. Once our attorney told us about the college trust fund, we decided against it due to tax liability if it wasn't used for school.

You could set up a General Trust fund & it doesn't necessarily mean the money will go out at 21. There can be conditions in the trust as to what age they can start to receive it. As example, if a kid goes to school then money could be used at 18 & only for tuition to the school. If they don't go, they could receive portions of that trust of it at ages 20, 25, 30 etc as provided in the will. It is also up to you who the trustee for that trust fund can be. If you let the attorney be the trustee or someone you could trust.

Our attorney knew our situation with the first will after kids & gave ideas that we didn't ever think about when it came for the will. He was right to point & held nothing back. It's especially important when your kids are under 21. At that time, he made sure the money was protected against any future spouse who may see it as a potential free ride for them. Some people marry for the inheritance not matter if it's big or small, then divorce getting their share.

A lot of states have community property laws which says what belongs to one spouse belongs to the other spouse ... unless there is have a pre-nup or other legal document that kicks in in case of a divorce. That's why you pay attorneys to advise you of all probabilities. I've found out that good attorneys earn their money & are worth it saving you a lot of headaches.

We aren't rich in any way. I also know what we have now may be needed in the future to pay our bills that we hope not to have. I don't ever want a future spouse of our kids to think what we have is their own potential inheritance. Sorry (not), my husband & I worked to dam hard for someone to use our kids like that.

I don't know very many parents who don't want to be able to help their kids. We all want to see what ever we are able to leave them be put to good use so it can help them have a good life for themselves.

Dad passed 20 years earlier, but everything that he & Mom worked for went to pay her expenses at the nursing home. There wasn't anything left for us kids after we liquidated the property. I wasn't upset since it wasn't ever mine, but hers & Dad's. It was put to good use. Bottom line is no one should be expecting an inheritance from anyone, but be thankful when you are left one. IMO, blowing it is a slap in the face to the one who thought enough of you to leave it.

@Blessed I hope everything works & go to talk to an attorney of your choice who would be able to give you some ideas. Also, don't be afraid to spend the money on yourself & your needs first. Please enjoy what you & your husband worked so hard for!

 

[Blessed]

Yes I do think it would be good to leave a trust fund for the grandson and spend rest on whatever silly things will bring you joy.
Enjoy whatever brings you joy with your money.

This sounds like a good idea, I am always watching my pennies. Wanted to make sure that there is something left for my son. Maybe I should start spending it, travel to places I always dreamed of. Sell the house and buy a little cottage by a lake or the ocean.

True, I would be afraid but the truth is I am afraid now, in my own home. At least I could enjoy a beautiful place while I'm afraid. Could make new friends in some small place where my family goes back generations. This tiny township only has about 150 people, most of them might be cousins. I have been watching real estate there for about a year.

It is about 30 to 45 minutes from a large city for healthcare.

 

[Jules]

After you’ve talked to a lawyer and made an informed decision, do not mention any of this to your son. Maybe you could say that you’ll set up something for grandson’s education.

Is Texas a 50/50 shared assets upon the end of the marriage.

 

[Blessed]

After you’ve talked to a lawyer and made an informed decision, do not mention any of this to your son. Maybe you could say that you’ll set up something for grandson’s education.

Is Texas a 50/50 shared assets upon the end of the marriage.

Yes it is,

 

[Teacher Terry]

This sounds like a good idea, I am always watching my pennies. Wanted to make sure that there is something left for my son. Maybe I should start spending it, travel to places I always dreamed of. Sell the house and buy a little cottage by a lake or the ocean.

True, I would be afraid but the truth is I am afraid now, in my own home. At least I could enjoy a beautiful place while I'm afraid. Could make new friends in some small place where my family goes back generations. This tiny township only has about 150 people, most of them might be cousins. I have been watching real estate there for about a year.

It is about 30 to 45 minutes from a large city for healthcare.

Your son already received a nice inheritance and I think you should use your money to make yourself happy. Once you are gone he can have what’s left. My mom lived so long that she spent her money and we encouraged her to travel and have fun.

My kids encouraged me to travel and I would like to leave my condo for them to sell and split the money but you never know how long I will live and if the money will be needed by me.

 

[Pepper]

Sorry I jumped all over you yesterday, Blessed. In my haste to read I accidentally ascribed something someone else said to you as you saying it. Several threads bring out the guilt I'm currently feeling re: my own parents. They were so wonderful, I feel guilty ever having thought they weren't 'good enough!' Hah. Foolish me. Nobody's perfect.

Anyway. Please spend as much as you can on yourself and your own life! If you are healthy, and I hope you are, don't hesitate to enjoy yourself the best you can!

Again, sorry I spoke without knowing all the details,

One thing bothered me though. Did you say you've never been to son's home or did I screw that one up too? If not, I don't get that.

Have a nice day!

 

[Blessed]

@Pepper, It is true I have never been there. I was a little surprised how angry you were about my post. You have a very close relationship with your son and grandson. I am the same. I just want to make sure they have a good life. I just want the money to be used to make their life's easier than what we had.

I appreciate all your replies, it is always good share and get feedback.