I am so low maintenance, I'm invisible .

willowgal2024

willowgal2024

New Member
Ok, I've been putting off posting, but this was the last straw.
I am a very patient and kind person. I don't ask for anything. I've always been independent and do for myself. I am a caregiver and thoroughly enjoy what I do. It's the most rewarding job I've ever had and makes me realize how prescious our seasoned folks truly are.
With that said, I often forget about myself.
I live with my partner (9 years) in addition to 3 cats and one wonderful GSD. I take care of everything as in dishes cleaning and cooking and creatures. I don't mind most of the time as it's comforting to me to clean my own house. It would really be nice if my partner took more of an initiative. With me.
For example today I've been sick all day. Trying to get rid of a nasty cold with absolutely no energy.
I had to run out for work briefly (I'm also a Pet sitter ) Sometimes I work 7 days a week between my two part time jobs. I'm damn tired at the end of my days.
We talked about dinner before I left as I didn't feel like cooking . I texted him before I headed back home that I would love a PBJ sandwich . I came home kind of hoping beyond hope I would have a sandwich waiting for me . Nope. I came back home and noticed he did put the necessary things out for me to MAKE my own... No intention made whatsoever. I can tell you how my heart sank. It just would have been nice for a change for him to do something for me.
When he was sick last week I made him soup and tea constantly. What's the deal here ?
I'm done giving when I get nothing in return.
I can't change anyone but myself.
There are other similar examples to share that I won't bother everyone with. You get the picture.
Early on he has referred to me as "low maintenance "and telling me that I never need anything.
Guess that's my fault. I've always pride myself by being so independent, but I guess I might as well be alone.
Yes I know I need to talk to him. How would you handle this? I just don't want to sound petty and stupid.
Thank you!
 

Sorry you're feeling down.
Most men don't know code. This is what I've been told.
In other words they hear what you say . He heard you say you'd "love a PBJ", not "I'd love it if you'd make me a PBJ."
Say exactly what you mean.
When he is sick you hear "I need taking care of, I'd love some soup and tea" even though he never said it. You get the code.
So, speak directly and clearly and you my dear, might find a PBJ waiting for you, maybe with some chips. 🤗
And ask for more than that.
 
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willowgal2024 said:
Ok, I've been putting off posting, but this was the last straw.

Yes I know I need to talk to him. How would you handle this? I just don't want to sound petty and stupid.
Thank you!
Click to expand...

Give him hell, willowgal. It's not murder, it's marriage.
Internally, we all have to justify our lives, therefore he will (very privately) believe you petty and stupid. But he might treat you like a queen for a couple days. Mine always did. I hope yours does.
 

hearlady said:
Sorry you're feeling down.
Most men don't know code. This is what I've been told.
In other words they hear what you say . He heard you say you'd "love a PBJ", not "I'd love it if you'd make me a PBJ."
Say exactly what you mean.
When he is sick you hear "I need taking care of, I'd love some soup and tea" even though he never said it. You get the code.
So, speak directly and clearly and you my dear, might find a PBJ waiting for you, maybe with some chips. 🤗
And ask for more than that.
Click to expand...
Thank you!!!
 
gruntlabor said:
Give him hell, willowgal. It's not murder, it's marriage.
Internally, we all have to justify our lives, therefore he will (very privately) believe you petty and stupid. But he might treat you like a queen for a couple days. Mine always did. I hope yours does.
Click to expand...
I should. However I am feeling so poorly right now I haven't the strength. I'm feel like just giving up. Tomorrow is another day.
 
One makes a mistake thinking they automatically know what we want. I learned that one needs to tell them exactly what you want. We were showing our house one day and the house was pretty messy, so I asked him to tidy the kitchen while I took care of the rest of the house. I can tell you '"tidy up" didn't compute to him, after I had tidied the rest of the house he was still working and the kitchen had never been that clean! I learned to tell him exactly what to do "put the dishes in the dishwasher, hide anything on the counter in the oven, then wash the counter", that's it.

What if you asked him to make the sandwich, rather than feel hurt that he didn't get the hint?
 
hearlady said:
Sorry you're feeling down.
Most men don't know code. This is what I've been told.
In other words they hear what you say . He heard you say you'd "love a PBJ", not "I'd love it if you'd make me a PBJ."
Say exactly what you mean.
When he is sick you hear "I need taking care of, I'd love some soup and tea" even though he never said it. You get the code.
So, speak directly and clearly and you my dear, might find a PBJ waiting for you, maybe with some chips. 🤗
And ask for more than that.
Click to expand...
I never thought of it that way. You are so right. It IS code and you can't use it with most men. You DO have to come out and actually say it! Most of them will be glad to do what you ASK but you DO have to ask.
 
Have you sat down together and talked about this? It's just a PB&J sandwich.
I know you texted him BEFORE heading home but do you always head home right after you've texted or does life happen and you get delayed at times? Is he used to not taking you seriously?

And how long does it take you to get home? Maybe he didn't want your bread to dry out...I personally dislike dry bread....it does happen fast with things left out on the counter...and fruit flies happen and dust, etc. He put the "necessary things out" to slap PB&J on bread.

With the bread and the PB&J already on the counter, how long does that take? 10 seconds?

I don't mean to sound like I blame you, and I know you were sick but I'm just wondering his side of the story that he may think was appropriate.
 
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I think it depends on how your husband was brought up but you probably know that already. My brothers pitch in to help their wives. My mom taught them to do that. Best thing is to be clear and deliver consequences. Now, remember honey, to have my sandwich ready to eat when I walk in or else I am going to be crabby all evening.
 
willowgal2024 said:
Ok, I've been putting off posting, but this was the last straw.
I am a very patient and kind person. I don't ask for anything. I've always been independent and do for myself. I am a caregiver and thoroughly enjoy what I do. It's the most rewarding job I've ever had and makes me realize how prescious our seasoned folks truly are.
With that said, I often forget about myself.
I live with my partner (9 years) in addition to 3 cats and one wonderful GSD. I take care of everything as in dishes cleaning and cooking and creatures. I don't mind most of the time as it's comforting to me to clean my own house. It would really be nice if my partner took more of an initiative. With me.
For example today I've been sick all day. Trying to get rid of a nasty cold with absolutely no energy.
I had to run out for work briefly (I'm also a Pet sitter ) Sometimes I work 7 days a week between my two part time jobs. I'm damn tired at the end of my days.
We talked about dinner before I left as I didn't feel like cooking . I texted him before I headed back home that I would love a PBJ sandwich . I came home kind of hoping beyond hope I would have a sandwich waiting for me . Nope. I came back home and noticed he did put the necessary things out for me to MAKE my own... No intention made whatsoever. I can tell you how my heart sank. It just would have been nice for a change for him to do something for me.
When he was sick last week I made him soup and tea constantly. What's the deal here ?
I'm done giving when I get nothing in return.
I can't change anyone but myself.
There are other similar examples to share that I won't bother everyone with. You get the picture.
Early on he has referred to me as "low maintenance "and telling me that I never need anything.
Guess that's my fault. I've always pride myself by being so independent, but I guess I might as well be alone.
Yes I know I need to talk to him. How would you handle this? I just don't want to sound petty and stupid.
Thank you!
Click to expand...
The deal is that you're not communicating your wishes. If somebody's not reading your mind, that's not the end of things. It's just a sign that you're not asserting yourself and your wishes.
 
Muskrat said:
And sometimes turn the tables. Come home ..grab a bag of chips …sit on the couch and watch tv. When he asks what is for dinner say “whatever you feel like fixing dear..I am easy”
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Muskrat, something I don't have to worry about. I never cook (well unless I have to). Hubby loves to cook and he's a way better cook than me. But he does not clean as he goes so I clean up all the mess afterwards.
 
"Be more specific," is excellent advice, but it sure would be nice if simple kindness, without prompting, would show up once in a while.

When I had Covid, my son took good care of me when he was home, checking on me, bringing me tea and crackers, but when he was at work, it was just Hubs -- who did nothing.

One day son and Hubs were both gone for about four hours and for the last three I had been in bed, wanting water but too weak to get up and get some, so when I heard Hubs come in through the garage door, just four feet from our bedroom door, I was relieved. But he walked on past and I heard him go into the front room and sit down at the computer.

A few hours later he came in our room to go to the bathroom and I was able to ask him for some water and pills. I then told him that when I was this sick he should check on me every hour or so to see if I needed anything, or at least look to see if I was dead. He said okay but didn't change. That night I woke him up to tell him I thought I was dying and give him some last minute instructions about cremation etc.

The next day, I passed out in the kitchen and my son called 911 for me. The hospital got me turned around and on the way to recovery.

Some people are just self centered.
 
Della said:
"Be more specific," is excellent advice, but it sure would be nice if simple kindness, without prompting, would show up once in a while.

When I had Covid, my son took good care of me when he was home, checking on me, bringing me tea and crackers, but when he was at work, it was just Hubs -- who did nothing.

One day son and Hubs were both gone for about four hours and for the last three I had been in bed, wanting water but too weak to get up and get some, so when I heard Hubs come in through the garage door, just four feet from our bedroom door, I was relieved. But he walked on past and I heard him go into the front room and sit down at the computer.

A few hours later he came in our room to go to the bathroom and I was able to ask him for some water and pills. I then told him that when I was this sick he should check on me every hour or so to see if I needed anything, or at least look to see if I was dead. He said okay but didn't change. That night I woke him up to tell him I thought I was dying and give him some last minute instructions about cremation etc.

The next day, I passed out in the kitchen and my son called 911 for me. The hospital got me turned around and on the way to recovery.

Some people are just self centered.
Click to expand...
Exactly. Consideration and simple kindness ! I know they aren't mind readers, however shouldn't common kindness show up especially when someone is in need ? This is what I'm shocked and hurt about. And honestly concerned. When I get older and need more help, is he just going to tune me out as he does now? Meanwhile I'm spinning around in my head ? . I plan on talking to him tonight even though I'm still not well. I started coughing badly in the middle of the night. He suggested I go down and take some cough medicine. Good grief help a sick woman out .
I'm so disappointed. Where is the kindness and compassion ?
 
Lara said:
Have you sat down together and talked about this? It's just a P&J sandwich.
I know you texted him BEFORE heading home but do you always head home right after you've texted or does life happen and you get delayed at times? Is he used to not taking you seriously?

And how long does it take you to get home? Maybe he didn't want your bread to dry out...I personally dislike dry bread....it does happen fast with things left out on the counter...and fruit flies happen and dust, etc. He put the "necessary things out" to slap P&J on bread.

With the bread and the P&J already on the counter, how long does that take? 10 seconds?

I don't mean to sound like I blame you, and I know you were sick but I'm just wondering his side of the story that he may think was appropriate.
Click to expand...
Right. I know it's just a sandwich. However it's the black of compassion that makes me sad. The point I was very ill and had to run out of the house due to an obligation. He asked me what I wanted for dinner and I responded. I was 10 minutes from home. The kind thing would have been to jist make it and cover it for when I got back. Something is missing here. And it's making me question the future of our relationship. I'm not getting younger. If he can't be compassionate now, what's going to happen when I need more help later in life or if I have a more seriously illness. This is alarming to me. And I do plan on talking to him about it.
 
Della said:
Some people are just self centered.
Click to expand...
Unfortunately, that's true. And also unfortunately, the mothers who teach their sons to do more domestic stuff without being asked? That's great until, as I've observed, the son gets made fun of by other guys for "acting like a girl/woman." ("Your mother/sister(s)/girlfriend(s) should be doing that, not you! What's wrong with you?! Be a MAN!") When my huzz's father observed my MIL trying to teach Huzz how to cook just simple stuff like scrambled eggs, making a halfway-decent sandwich, etc., he yelled at her, "Stop teaching those boys how to cook! You're gonna turn 'em into {homophobic slur}!"

So sometimes the best intentions may get derailed by peer pressure.
 
gruntlabor said:
Her: Let's talk about each other's faults and failings. You go first.
Him: Well, first, you got a big nose.
Click to expand...
A woman was looking in the mirror and bemoaning the fact that she was aging.

"Look at me," she cried to her husband, "I'm a mess! My hair is getting thin, my body is sagging and I have wrinkles on my face! I'm so depressed.....tell me something nice!"

"Well," he said, "at least there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

The funeral is on Thursday.
 
Most men are like robots....they can only do what they are programmed to do....they can't think for themselves and act on their own initiative. That might because, from the moment of birth, they are cared for a woman and so expect a female to take responsibility for everything.
 
Lavinia said:
Most men are like robots....they can only do what they are programmed to do....they can't think for themselves and act on their own initiative. That might because, from the moment of birth, they are cared for a woman and so expect a female to take responsibility for everything.
Click to expand...
UH OH. Run. Hide. Lavinia.
Most men in this Forum are great, caring, kind, patient, husbands.
But they might be prone to punching your lights out if provoked :LOL:
 
Lara said:
But they might be prone to punching your lights out if provoked :LOL:
Click to expand...
😲
I can't think of even one of our guys here who would do that!
 
CallMeKate said:
😲 I can't think of even one of our guys here who would do that!
Click to expand...
You saw my laughing emoji, right? That means I was kidding. I'm sure you knew that but just checking
And you Left Out the compliments I gave the men here. Took it out of context. Yikes...don't taint my perfection😇
 

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