I am sort of in the social phobia range. It's difficult to have friends due to past betrayal/trauma

Mlz827

Mlz827

New Member
Location
Washington state
First, I am sort of in the social anxiety range. It is difficult for me to enjoy friends due to past betrayal and trauma. So, I choose to live alone.

I have acquaintances, and siblings who live hundreds of miles away, I do have phone, text, messaging, Facebook, etc. contact with them. Also, there are a couple of local ladies I sew with, with others who have passed away or are in rest homes. I have two children. A daughter who lives 1,000+ miles away, yet she makes almost daily contact. Thank heavens for today's various types of technology. Then, I have a son and his family who live 10 minutes away from me. Calls or visits from them are seldom. I know that they love me. Also, I know we are on good terms when together. They have jobs, two children, and their own lives. I understand that.

What I don't understand is if I do not go to them, (which I feel welcome when I do) they do not come to me. I was sick, recently, for three weeks. Not one visit to help me, or just a visit for a lonely person who was shut in until I was well. This has me having mixed feelings of being upset , frustrated and most of all confused.

I will not nag, but did bring this up and was met with avoidance until I decided to apologize for bringing it up and possibly looking needy to them. They told me no problem, no worries, and that was it!

Again, I am confused.
 

When you say "social phobia" do you mean for yourself? Sometimes we alienate people when we don't mean to. Do you really want friends, the give and take of it all, or is it more of a want than a real need because it does take a lot of giving and attention to others. I don't mean it in a bad way, but sometimes it's just the way we are. And we need to take ourselves out of ourselves more, as hard as it sometimes is, just because of our introversion.
 
KingsX said:
.

Since most murder victims are killed by people they know,
being anti-social doesn't seem so bad.
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Social Phobia and being anti-social are not the same thing. In fact, an anti-social person might be more apt to murder someone than be murdered. :playful:
 
Miz, I totally understand how you feel and rightly so. Being sick and shut-in for 3 weeks with no visits from your children who live 10 minutes away is just not acceptable. You needn't apologize for "bringing it up". In fact, good for you. You should have because they should know. And the fact that they avoided you until you apologized was just wrong.

Yes, this younger generation is busier with all their technology to keep up with but what's more important? I agree with you. They need to know that TLC for family comes first. No need to apologize for that.

Meanwhile, invite them over for dinner or offer to take the grandchildren one day a week to bake cookies and do arts & crafts and nature walks...but I know you can't do that when you're sick. That's when it's their turn to step up to the plate.
 
What I mean is that after years of girlfriends (yes several girlfriends) having affairs with my husband, I just don't like to open up and trust much anymore. Keeping people at a arm distance seems to be more comfortable for me. Do I want friends? Sure, but I do realize that friendship comes with a price. So, I prefer to keep it casual now. I do give of myself (alot) to those I know, and much time to helping with the grandchildren. I guess the old saying "the road is paved on both sides," is what I am confused about. My car always has to go to the kids house, their's does not come this way.

PS I think that I keep my mind busy enough, and my faith sure enough, that I would never think about murder... ha ha.
 
.I am a bit social phobic myself. I tend to alienate myself because of that. I think sometimes family who are miles apart tend to get so involved with their own lives they forget to make time for family. Sad, but true. I have the same issues with my family, even those who are close, we tend not get together as much as we would like.
I try to force myself into social situations in small groups. Like at Senior center or library. I learned something from a former co-worker that helped. He suggested I find someone also alone, and go over and make small talk. Their responses and body language will let you know if you are welcome to visit. If not, do not give up.
 
I don't know if I'm on the other foot, but I am actively trying to discourage a relative from moving too close to me.

She seems to be oblivious that her uninvited visits are not welcome. Another relative, when advised she was in the area and would be visiting said "Oh shit - how long does she want to stay".

At the moment, she lives 700 K away, and that's fine by me.

Now she wants to move within 200 K, so she can visit more often. She just "loves to go for a drive".

Last time she chose to visit me, she arrived with a packet of breakfast cereal and proceeded to eat me out of house and home, while she stayed as an uninvited guest for 4 nights.

She ran the air conditioner non stop 24 hours a day. Would not get up from her backside to help to cook any meals, nor did anything to help around the house. She didn't want to leave the house at all - not to do anything.

She binge ate while I was out shopping, and I came home to find that she had eaten every biscuit in the house, and all of the cheese. Things I knew I didn't need to shop for - I had enough for at least a month.

She self invited herself to another relative's place at Christmas, and ended up staying a month!

The thing is, she thinks she is "loved" by everyone. She doesn't realise that she is dreaded.
 
Olivia said:
Social Phobia and being anti-social are not the same thing. In fact, an anti-social person might be more apt to murder someone than be murdered. :playful:
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Totally agree and thank you.

Mlz827 said:
What I mean is that after years of girlfriends (yes several girlfriends) having affairs with my husband, I just don't like to open up and trust much anymore. Keeping people at a arm distance seems to be more comfortable for me. Do I want friends? Sure, but I do realize that friendship comes with a price. So, I prefer to keep it casual now. I do give of myself (alot) to those I know, and much time to helping with the grandchildren. I guess the old saying "the road is paved on both sides," is what I am confused about. My car always has to go to the kids house, their's does not come this way.

PS I think that I keep my mind busy enough, and my faith sure enough, that I would never think about murder... ha ha.
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I DO understand what you mean. I’ve also got social phobias and it’s really difficult dealing with it.
My fears however don’t stem from infidelity but the result is the same. I literally force myself to go out and face the world when most of the time I don’t want to. Keeping friends at arm distance becomes a habit cause getting too close can bring about unpredictable issues. Basically it’s a trust issue. It’s easier not getting close than trying to explain the phobias and issues to someone else. Being alone seems safer.
 
you should sell out and move close to your daughter....your level of happiness and worth will improve....as your health degrades. ..the sons not gonna be there for you...probably the wifey
 
Thank you for your wisdom.
Marie5656 said:
.I am a bit social phobic myself. I tend to alienate myself because of that. I think sometimes family who are miles apart tend to get so involved with their own lives they forget to make time for family. Sad, but true. I have the same issues with my family, even those who are close, we tend not get together as much as we would like.
I try to force myself into social situations in small groups. Like at Senior center or library. I learned something from a former co-worker that helped. He suggested I find someone also alone, and go over and make small talk. Their responses and body language will let you know if you are welcome to visit. If not, do not give up.
Click to expand...
 
bingo said:
you should sell out and move close to your daughter....your level of happiness and worth will improve....as your health degrades. ..the sons not gonna be there for you...probably the wifey
Click to expand...
My daughter and I have discussed this idea. Since she lives in the Silicon Valley, San Jose, CA moving is not possible. Nor is Santa Rosa, CA where I was born affordable. So, I stay where I am at.
 
my mother used to say there is a silver lining in every cloud. I guess my issue is easier to handle than yours. I have a relative that sounds like yours, and it would be difficult for me to think of her "dropping in" for a visit. More, it would be very difficult to worry about how i would get her to leave without a awkward situation developing.

grannyjo said:
i don't know if i'm on the other foot, but i am actively trying to discourage a relative from moving too close to me.

She seems to be oblivious that her uninvited visits are not welcome. Another relative, when advised she was in the area and would be visiting said "oh shit - how long does she want to stay".

At the moment, she lives 700 k away, and that's fine by me.

Now she wants to move within 200 k, so she can visit more often. She just "loves to go for a drive".

Last time she chose to visit me, she arrived with a packet of breakfast cereal and proceeded to eat me out of house and home, while she stayed as an uninvited guest for 4 nights.

She ran the air conditioner non stop 24 hours a day. Would not get up from her backside to help to cook any meals, nor did anything to help around the house. She didn't want to leave the house at all - not to do anything.

She binge ate while i was out shopping, and i came home to find that she had eaten every biscuit in the house, and all of the cheese. Things i knew i didn't need to shop for - i had enough for at least a month.

She self invited herself to another relative's place at christmas, and ended up staying a month!

The thing is, she thinks she is "loved" by everyone. She doesn't realise that she is dreaded.
Click to expand...
 
grannyjo said:
I don't know if I'm on the other foot, but I am actively trying to discourage a relative from moving too close to me.

She seems to be oblivious that her uninvited visits are not welcome. Another relative, when advised she was in the area and would be visiting said "Oh shit - how long does she want to stay".

At the moment, she lives 700 K away, and that's fine by me.

Now she wants to move within 200 K, so she can visit more often. She just "loves to go for a drive".

Last time she chose to visit me, she arrived with a packet of breakfast cereal and proceeded to eat me out of house and home, while she stayed as an uninvited guest for 4 nights.

She ran the air conditioner non stop 24 hours a day. Would not get up from her backside to help to cook any meals, nor did anything to help around the house. She didn't want to leave the house at all - not to do anything.

She binge ate while I was out shopping, and I came home to find that she had eaten every biscuit in the house, and all of the cheese. Things I knew I didn't need to shop for - I had enough for at least a month.

She self invited herself to another relative's place at Christmas, and ended up staying a month!

The thing is, she thinks she is "loved" by everyone. She doesn't realise that she is dreaded.
Click to expand...

I think I would tell her you have health issues which preclude visits. Being driven stresscrazy by such a person is a legitimate health concern.
 
social phobias can often become chronic and debilitating leading to sadness and depression. I know it is easy to give advice on these forums but that's what we are able to do

my suggestion - find a suitable and well qualified therapist and start therapy - you need to gain a happy life style as soon as possible!!

NB: urgent attention required!

ps: we can't fix it here ; we can talk and listen and share but not really treat?:confused:
 
Social anxiety in all its forms can be very difficult to treat. While some respond very well to treatment, others face chronic difficulties in dealing with severe trauma induced illness. Often, periods of normalcy are interspersed with setbacks of anxiety. Triggers are tricky things. Should the individual suffer from PTSD, or even worse, CPTSD, (complex post traumatic stress

disorder,) relapses are almost inevitable. Therapy is essential in my opinion in order for the individual to understand and learn to manage their illness, but a cure can prove elusive, it certainly has in my case. It is possible, however, with a great deal of hard work, and vigilance, to live a healthy and happy life most of the time.
 
You have probably heard the old rhyme, “A son is a son 'til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life.” I find that our daughters seem more thoughtful than our sons, but I think that's a fairly common dynamic. No biggie to me. Our kids are all great people and are busy raising their young families.

I have no social phobias but I have always been a loner. I hate a lot of social interaction and usually prefer to skip "functions".

 
C'est Moi said:
You have probably heard the old rhyme, “A son is a son 'til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life.” I find that our daughters seem more thoughtful than our sons, but I think that's a fairly common dynamic. No biggie to me. Our kids are all great people and are busy raising their young families.

I have no social phobias but I have always been a loner. I hate a lot of social interaction and usually prefer to skip "functions".
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Being a loner is normal. Not everyone yearns to be the life of the party.
 
shalimar - you just beat me to it! snap
​yes there are ranges and ranges - from chronic social phobia which is painful to 'being a loner' by choice which can be 'fun' at times. There are some that just love socializing everyday and every week but for some this is not necessary and can be tiring.
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I'm kind of getting concerned that the term "Social Phobia" isn't getting mixed up with "Agoraphobia" which it seems now is being described which is a much more serious emotional disorder. If someone could explain the difference, it would make me feel that we are really talking about the same thing.
 
Agoraphobia at its worst is an intense fear of leaving one’s home and venturing outside. Some folks who live in an apt will not even set foot on the balcony. Panic attacks ensue when the person leaves their safe zone. It is almost always about places rather than people.
 
pettherapy-1024x618.jpg
 
By no means am I an authority on mental health. I just know what worked for me. I live in the gloomy PacNW myself, suffer from SAD (yes I was diagnosed by a medical professional). Finding natural sunlight was my salvation. I was toxic come Feb-Mar before, found I could now accept the spring rains (Apr-May) with a brighter outlook.

Went for the first time to SW AZ for the winter (2017-18). Spent 5 months taking in at least 30 minutes of sunlight daily, attitude got better, health improved. I'm not one to surround myself with many friends or need to be entertained, got out walked 1-2 miles daily, visited with other 'snowbirds' many, many from OR, WA, MT & ID.
 

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