I don't know what to do about my fiancé's ex-wife.

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
My fiancé, Ron, has done what I consider to be an admirable job of maintaining an amiable and relaxed relationship with his ex-wife Julie and her husband Chris. They've been divorced for close to 15 years now. They have two adult children together, and now two grandsons, and continued to do things together as a family...Christmas, Thanksgiving, they always get together for the kids and grandkids birthdays, that kind of thing. Since Ron and I started dating I have been included in all their get togethers. I appreciate the inclusion, have done the same with Ron as regards my family events, and have included Ron's kids and grandkids in the invitations as well. Julie is not someone who I would befriend under other circumstances, she's a bit brash, can be abrasive, a little self-focused, drinks a whole lot and this sometimes affects her personality, but as I don't have to be around her all the time, it's not a problem.


Here's where it gets a bit uncomfortable/weird/annoying. She seems to have the idea that we are all going to be one big happy family now that I am marrying her ex. She welcomed me effusively to "her family" and talks about "her family just got bigger by one more" in reference to me..that kind of thing. She's hinted more than once about coming to various of my family things. Has alluded to us combining our individual Thanksgiving and/or Christmas celebrations into one big family event. She calls Ron all the time, and seems to use him as some kind of emotional support for whatever is going on in her life. I can understand her wanting to talk to him about the kids/grandkids, but she calls him about everything..the trouble her husband Chris is having with his job, the issues she's having with her studying (she's working on her Masters) their financial troubles, bitching to him about some friend or another who did her wrong.


Ron says she's always been like this. If she calls when he and I are together, he immediately puts it on speaker, every time! If we're busy right then, he calls her back later, also on speaker. He wants to make sure I am privy to every interaction they have. I'm not a jealous sort, so this doesn't bother me, but I appreciate his consideration. She's invited me to her house to help her with her decorating "because you have an eye for it, I love what you've done with my old house (Ron's house)" She's commented several times on "the good vibe" between us and how we "share the same brain." She says things like "you and Ron look so good together, you're both so slim and tall, and I'm a fat pig" (she's a bit overweight but not fat.) Whoa! This isn't a competition, right? It's not like I'm vying for his attention, or trying to steal him away from her. That ship sailed a long time ago!!

I guess she's very insecure? I'm honestly not quite sure what to make of her actions and overtures. For all the obvious reasons I don't want to alienate her, and I don't actively dislike her, she's just not my kind of person, but I'm really unsure where she's coming from so not sure what to do with these overtures. I've talked to Ron about it. He says her relationship with her husband isn't the best, and she's a bit depressed and that she sees us so happy and connected and it has to be a stark comparison to her relationship. That her being in touch with him all the time is the way it's always been, not something that just started happening since we got together. He's appreciative that I'm doing my best to navigate this without alienating her, and apologizes for her sometimes. Not his fault!


So........where do you think this is coming from? Is she jealous? Insecure? Both? How do I deal with this? I mean, she's going to be a part of my life for the rest of it, because the family is very close, and I don't want that to change. I just want to be able to find my place in it without feeling like I'm being absorbed, and also to create my OWN sense of family with Ron and his kids and grandkids that doesn't also HAVE to include his ex. What's your take on this? Advice as to how to deal with it?
 

From all the stories I’ve read and heard about divorce I’d view this as a breath of fresh air. Your husband is inclusive of all the conversations so that you know what’s going on at all times. Nothing is hidden from you.
She has welcomed you with open arms.

The fact that she berates herself on her size, has nothing to do with you. ( in my opinion ) It’s VERY common for overweight people to do this. I know I did when I was overweight.

The fact that she isn’t getting along with her husband right now might be the reason she is expressing how she notices the great relationship you have . She might secretly wish she was slim and had a great relationship with her man but I think it’s ultra sweet that she is expressing her honest feelings with you. She is completely exposing herself to you and being vulnerable.
Her exposed vulnerability might be what is making you uncomfortable as you probably aren’t used to it AND with your past history ( old relationship ) it might be sending up red flags for you for some personal reason of your own.
 
Sounds like she feels he's part of her and her children's family and she wants it to continue- with you included. Sounds like she's not ready to let go of his sympathetic ear, no matter how brotherly it is.

It doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about, however annoying it is. As time goes on and if he's gradually less available to her calls, it will probably diminish.
 
First, I'd like to say that it's great that Ron isn't hiding anything from you with his phone calls from and to her. I've never had to deal with an ex, so I'm just giving my thoughts as a woman married for 40+ yrs. It seems to me that she is a little too 'dependent' on Ron after being divorced for 15 yrs.

He seems like a kind soul, and in my opinion she's taking advantage of that in a very selfish way. She's not considering that all this time, even though he allows it and doesn't complain to her, that she's dominating and interrupting his personal life as a 'single' man and affecting either his own private relationships or his personal life. So now she's also affecting your life and it sounds like on a daily basis, whether she's actively calling or not, she's on your mind.

I agree with Keesha that her talking about her weight or comparing it to yours, her saying you're an nice couple, etc. should just be ignored. It's not that big of a deal, just consider the source and don't give the things she says any more importance than they deserve. If she's a drinker, then she's probably running her mouth more overall, so I recommend you don't really overthink the things she says.

To me she seems insecure, a bit jealous and an attention-sponge. Does she really not have any other person in her family or any friends that she can talk to about he problems with her husband, her finances, her complaints about friends, etc? Ron is the only one whose shoulder she can cry on? If he's acting as her 'enabler' the behavior will never stop or slow down.

Nothing drastic has to be done by you or Ron to disrupt the family, but you both can slowly work on distancing yourself from her, just to the point of having a normal relationship with her. I would politely decline any invitations to go to her house, help her decorate or basically be her girlfriend, you don't need to give detailed excuses. If it were me, I definitely wouldn't let that happen.

I suggest that Ron, at an opportune time, let her know that although he's there for her if she really needs him, he'd appreciate it if she didn't call so often, for every little thing. That he's not only busy with other things but would like to have alone time to devote to you. She should understand, any reasonable person would if said plainly, unless she really is so selfish that she doesn't care about his or your happiness.

Right now it sound like she's smothering Ron to a degree, and now you too. I know it will be hard for him to cut the cord, or even put some wear on it with her, but IMO, it's something that needs to be done. Nobody needs to be rude to her, but she's sounds like a child in a way, that just needs some guidance as to what is going to be acceptable and welcome in your lives. Good luck, her contacting him so often will have a negative affect on your future marriage, it's really starting already.

I think you're a nice lady and Ron is a good guy, I hope you're together for a long, long time.
 
I get where you're coming from, Ronni. I wouldn't be up for a close relationship with an ex either. It seems as if Ron didn't draw clear, strong boundaries with Julie when they split up, which is why they're so blurry now. From my perspective, this isn't a Ronni - Julie issue, it's a Ron - Julie issue, so that's where it will be solved. Or not.

Sure, Ron putting her on speakerphone adds transparency, but there's the added twist of him being involved in Julie's business and you winding up knee-deep along with him.

If I were in your shoes I would make myself, busy, busy, busy. So very busy. Too busy to meet her for lunch, too busy to decorate her home or attend her family's functions, too busy to speak on the phone for more than a minute. If she does catch you and starts whining about her life, you might want to avoid commenting on the problem but instead gently recommend she see a marriage or other therapist. And do so early in the conversation. Cut it off at the pass, so to speak.

Yes, the situation could be worse (they could openly hate each other), but that doesn't make it good or comfortable.

JMHO
 
Yeah I agree that it’s far too close for comfort. I’ve never in my life had to think about sharing my man but in retrospect I would not like it one bit. I’m not the jealous type at all but I haven’t been put in situations that make me jealous or uncomfortable to this degree and while it’s very trusting of your man to put her on speaker phone, just listening to the two of them would drive me crazy.

It took reading Seabreezes answer to really put me in your shoes to understand the feeling but once I connected to that feeling, my answer did an about face. Not only do I think Ron should speak to her and let her know she’s becoming much to intrusive in your life I think you should personally tell her also. Let her know all the wonderful things you like about her and gently let her know that her constant meddling in your lives isn’t working for you and that you feel uncomfortable with how things have been lately. Let that sink in and if it persists pull her aside again and let her know once more.

I think clearing anything up that gets in the way of having a carefree loving relationship is worth the effort , tenfold.
 
As someone with an ex who has remained on good terms (we were high school sweethearts and have known each other forever, plus we share two sons), I'd say it's not for you to deal with. Apparently Ron has felt comfortable with the relationship until now, so it's up to him to make any changes. At this stage of life, patterns have been established and you'll probably come off as being petty if you want things changed to suit you.
 
I doubt after 15 years of this Ron will change his relationship with her. It will be up to you to change YOUR relationship with this lady. Be nice, but slowly be too busy to hang out with her. You will still probably be seeing her on family occasions. You need to use great care in not alienating Ron's children and grandchildren in this process or Ron might come to recent you. I don't know if I could handle this situation as I don't even like people I love smothering me. I guess it depends on how much you love Ron and how much of this you want to put up with. I've never had an X anything so I am not an expert on this. I just can't imagine me sitting around listening to my husband and some lady (other than his mom, sisters or our daughter) have a long conversation on the phone. Has Ron been in any relationships since he divorced this lady? Has he lost any potential mates because of this lady? I'd be asking him a lot of questions if I were you.
 
Most mature adults come as a 'package' when entering into a new relationship. If she is a permanent part of the package and he is unable/unwilling to make changes, either accept it gracefully or move on.

There are people who like to remain the center of attention in past partner's lives even if everyone has moved on. Either he or she may be one of them. There are subtle, non-aggressive things that he can do to minimize the ties if he really wants to do so.
 
Y'all are amazing! Thank you so very much for your thoughtful responses, you've given me so much to think about and so many ways to approach and deal with this situation!!!!

To me she seems insecure, a bit jealous and an attention-sponge.
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There are people who like to remain the center of attention in past partner's lives
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The attention-sponge/center of attention comments are spot on. I hadn't even really thought of that but yeah, at every gathering, every time we get together or I see her with the other family members she tries to dominate the conversation, activity, whatever. Her actions and words seem to be trying to draw the attention to her all the time, no matter what is being discussed or what is happening.

I get where you're coming from, Ronni. I wouldn't be up for a close relationship with an ex either. It seems as if Ron didn't draw clear, strong boundaries with Julie when they split up, which is why they're so blurry now. From my perspective, this isn't a Ronni - Julie issue, it's a Ron - Julie issue, so that's where it will be solved. Or not.
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Insightful observation. You're right, it is a Ron/Julie issue. And right again, he didn't draw many boundaries with Julie when they split up. He's an inclusive sort of guy anyway, and it was SO important to him that they maintain an amiable relationship for the sake of the kids, that he admits he bent over backwards at times to make sure that happened.

Apparently Ron has felt comfortable with the relationship until now, so it's up to him to make any changes. At this stage of life, patterns have been established and you'll probably come off as being petty if you want things changed to suit you.
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True. It just didn't matter to him that she talked to him all the time. I mean, he never even really thought about it until we started dating and she was calling when we were together and he immediately realized that I might be uncomfortable with that even though I never said anything to him at that early stage. HE's the one who brought it up to ME, explaining apologetically the way the dynamic had been between them for so many years. I reassured him that I wasn't upset, and didn't take it any further at that point. We'd only been together a short time. Since then we've had a number of conversations about Julie, and he has taken steps to subtly disentangle himself from her. It IS better that it was, and he's become aware of the dysfunctional nature of the relationship.

Most mature adults come as a 'package' when entering into a new relationship. If she is a permanent part of the package and he is unable/unwilling to make changes, either accept it gracefully or move on.
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It's funny, when my kids have entered into relationships and it's obvious they're becoming serious, I routinely caution them that their partners come as a package deal inclusive of whatever family they are close to, whether it's parents, siblings, cousins, whomever has connection to and influence over their lives. Before my daughter married, we had several long conversations about the fact that she was marrying not only her fiancé, but also marrying into his whole, loud, large, Italian and somewhat dysfunctional family!!! :D

I'm not such a hypocrite that I would give them this advice, and then not also accept that this is my lot too, with Ron and his family, his ex included. There is no question she is a permanent part of the package. I have no intention of moving on, so I deeply appreciate the various suggestions, insights and opinions that will help me mitigate and hopefully over time subtly change the dynamic as it currently exists.
 
Subtle? That woman ignores and plows thru subtle.

I don't think she's jealous. She's an intrusive pain in the butt who for whatever reasons people allow to do what she wants to do.

The only reason she should call Ron is if there is a serious emergency with one of the GROWN children or grandchildren. Instead, he listens, supports, counsels her on a daily basis. Putting the phone on speaker is irrelevant and a bit silly. So, instead of one hostage at her beck & call she has two. At the very least he should let her bounce into voicemail. If not important, DELETE.

Ronni, it's almost like you & Ron are afraid of his ex-wife. Ugh.

I know about blended families and ex-spouses, etc. But this is bizarre, and I doubt it will change.

But, it is what it is. :shrug: Good luck.
 
StarSong said:
I get where you're coming from, Ronni. I wouldn't be up for a close relationship with an ex either. It seems as if Ron didn't draw clear, strong boundaries with Julie when they split up, which is why they're so blurry now. From my perspective, this isn't a Ronni - Julie issue, it's a Ron - Julie issue, so that's where it will be solved. Or not.

Sure, Ron putting her on speakerphone adds transparency, but there's the added twist of him being involved in Julie's business and you winding up knee-deep along with him.

If I were in your shoes I would make myself, busy, busy, busy. So very busy. Too busy to meet her for lunch, too busy to decorate her home or attend her family's functions, too busy to speak on the phone for more than a minute. If she does catch you and starts whining about her life, you might want to avoid commenting on the problem but instead gently recommend she see a marriage or other therapist. And do so early in the conversation. Cut it off at the pass, so to speak.

Yes, the situation could be worse (they could openly hate each other), but that doesn't make it good or comfortable.
JMHO
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I agree. I'd become very, very busy. Three IS a crowd after all. I wouldn't like the situation at all. Having an amicable divorce is one thing, having the ex in the great big middle of your new life is completely another. It sounds like you could get lost in the crowd and end up playing second fiddle. He is either your husband or hers. As the traditional marriage vows say --"cleaving only onto her/him" and "forsaking all others."

I also think he is being insensitive in not realizing how much all this may be making you feel, and thinks he can have his cake and eat it, too. After all, you are considering marriage, not joining a commune. He needs to decide between the two of you, once and for all.

I wouldn't enter into a marriage with this man until the issue is resolved once and for all.
 
Butterfly said:
I agree. I'd become very, very busy. Three IS a crowd after all. I wouldn't like the situation at all. Having an amicable divorce is one thing, having the ex in the great big middle of your new life is completely another. It sounds like you could get lost in the crowd and end up playing second fiddle. He is either your husband or hers. As the traditional marriage vows say --"cleaving only onto her/him" and "forsaking all others."

I also think he is being insensitive in not realizing how much all this may be making you feel, and thinks he can have his cake and eat it, too. After all, you are considering marriage, not joining a commune. He needs to decide between the two of you, once and for all.

I wouldn't enter into a marriage with this man until the issue is resolved once and for all.
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Well, now I feel the need to defend him. He is very sensitive to the way this situation feels for me, and not just because we've talked about it at length. I am sensitive to the relationship dynamics involved between him, his ex, the kids and grandkids and *I* am the one who has told him NOT to take any precipitous action with his ex, even as he has been slowly pulling back and bit by bit working on the boundaries. The LAST thing I need or want is to be responsible for resentment between him and his kids, or between any of them and me. Ron is squarely in the middle of this, and it's an uncomfortable place for him to be, and I personally won't do anything to push it from uncomfortable to untenable. Yeah, if I were a selfish, self-focused sort I'd be demanding all kinds of accommodations. But I'm not, and am hyper-aware of the many obstacles and challenges of blended families.

I've never felt other than his first priority. It's a situation that I have felt could benefit from the wisdom and insights of folks who can present an objective and unbiased view, which I have been very thankful for this forum in providing. I'm not at my wits' end about this, simply wanted other perspectives, so if I gave you the idea that I'm desperate to resolve this immediately I apologize. It will take time, and I'm thrilled about the offered suggestions and strategies for moving this in a more healthy direction!
 
Butterfly said:
I didn't mean to upset you -- it is just that I once found myself in a similar situation and it didn't end well when the chips were down and this is how I see it.
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Oh, thank you for your concern!! No I wasn't upset...maybe a bit defensive lol! And felt like I'd perhaps misrepresented Ron's part in all this, so I wanted to clarify.

I am SO sorry you found yourself in a similar situation! It's not easy, I'll grant you that, and the potential for it going sideways is certainly there which is why I felt the need to get some other opinions. I hope you've since recovered from whatever upsetting situation you found yourself in, and are doing OK now.
 
Ronni, you are a saint, I couldn't put up with her. I have been in a somewhat similar situation with a partner's ex who was much the same, except they didn't really end on friendly terms. She was the one who left and supposedly moved on with a new partner, but there were endless phone calls about trivial things which seemed to escalate whenever he appeared to also be 'moving on'.

If I was the one to take the call and he wasn't home she would take the opportunity to regale me with all the problems they had in their marriage, all his fault, of course, followed by comments about she and me becoming buddies etc, but that was never going to happen.

At one point I had a bit of a dummy spit because of 40 or more phone messages left over a single weekend. I suggested that maybe she should really only call if there was an emergency, given their shared child was an adult, living away from home and also I didn't think it was appropriate for her to be running her ex down to me. If she had problems with him she should take it up with him. Her snarky take on that was something like this, from memory, "You're probably right, after all, you don't really play any part in my life, I don't have to talk to you or even think about you at all". The only response I could come up with was "I wish I could say the same". :)
 
Leonie said:
If I was the one to take the call and he wasn't home she would take the opportunity to regale me with all the problems they had in their marriage, all his fault, of course, followed by comments about she and me becoming buddies etc, but that was never going to happen.
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And THAT'S where I feel she's heading. And I am SO NOT GOING THERE!!!!! :mad: Nope. Never gonna happen!
 
Maybe overlooked.


Quote
"He is very sensitive to the way this situation feels for me, and not just because we've talked about it at length."


That is a statement of a truly great relationship.


Seems to me the main annoyance are the phone calls. Per that sentence, explaining you do have great communication with Ron maybe this one issue can be talked about some more to see what he thinks about limiting the calls. You posted there is minimal daily interaction the reality is all the other annoyances are on her and are not likely to change. It then becomes something to feel good about that you aren't like Julie.
 
Ronni said:
Oh, thank you for your concern!! No I wasn't upset...maybe a bit defensive lol! And felt like I'd perhaps misrepresented Ron's part in all this, so I wanted to clarify.

I am SO sorry you found yourself in a similar situation! It's not easy, I'll grant you that, and the potential for it going sideways is certainly there which is why I felt the need to get some other opinions. I hope you've since recovered from whatever upsetting situation you found yourself in, and are doing OK now.
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The divorce pretty much took care of the upsetting situation. Looking back, I think perhaps if I had found my backbone and been strong enough to put up and insist on some serious boundaries going in it might have been different, or I would have seen the situation realistically as what it was and gotten out sooner, but I was young and stupid and tried to be a nice guy about it all. The truth of the matter was that the ex had been around longer and had more of his long-standing loyalty and I was an interloper into a really weird relationship between them, of which he would never let go. I wish I would have accepted that sooner; I would never have married him and would have saved myself a lot of pain.
 
Knight said:
Maybe overlooked.


Quote
"He is very sensitive to the way this situation feels for me, and not just because we've talked about it at length."


That is a statement of a truly great relationship.
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I missed this till now! Thank you Knight, I feel the same way. :love_heart:

Seems to me the main annoyance are the phone calls. Per that sentence, explaining you do have great communication with Ron maybe this one issue can be talked about some more to see what he thinks about limiting the calls. You posted there is minimal daily interaction the reality is all the other annoyances are on her and are not likely to change. It then becomes something to feel good about that you aren't like Julie.
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We've talked about this more, and he's begun limiting the calls. I suggested that rather than just doing it very abruptly, like just not answering at ALL, he taper off. The reality of the situation is that she could easily create issues between me and their daughters and the grandkids if she were so inclined, so to be prudent I think it's smarter to ease into this new relationship with her, rather than go all or nothing! I currently have very warm relationships with his kids and grandkids, and though I don't really think she could drive much of a wedge in between us, (they're pretty savvy about their Mom's dysfunctionality) I just don't want the unpleasantness.

Bottom line is it's working. She's calling less now than she used to. Unless she's been drinking heavily that is, and then she just blows up EVERONE's phone! But that's a separate issue.
 

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