I don't know what to do about my fiancé's ex-wife.

I don't know really what I'd do, or even recommend, but I'm mighty glad neither my wife or I have any kind of problem like yours. My wife knows all about my ex and our divorce. My ex is on Facebook, but rarely goes on there anymore. Absolutely no contact with her at all........just the way I want it. My wife's first ex has been completely/100% out of her life for many, many years. Her second husband passed away years ago. So, no ex's to bother with at all.

However, you do sound like you want to do something about this. It will be hard if you have too "nice" of a personality.
 

I read about Frank Sinatra and his first wife Nancy. He was the love of her life but eventually could no longer tolerate his blatant womanizing, so she divorced him. She decided she would never remarry. She loved him, she was Catholic, and probably she was hoping he would ''change'' and go back to her. He never did, but they had a very close relationship. They talked and confided frequently, he would visit often and sleep overnight on the couch, he loved eggplant sandwiches so she always had frozen eggplant to whip out when he dropped over. She didn't wait around for him, she had a full life with tons of friends who really liked her. I can't imagine staying faithful to someone like him, but he did love her in his own way. I'm only saying all this because some exes can remain very close after divorce and be good for each other's emotional health.
https://www.wral.com/nancy-barbato-...-and-lasting-confidante-dies-at-101/17697184/

Ronni, I don't know what advice to give you. I'm glad I never remarried because second marriages are always a mixed psychological bag. I think Ron is trying to reassure you nothing is happening between him and his ex, but the fact that her marriage is not that good and she envies your and Ron's relationship is a red flag. On the other hand, they've had this close relationship forever so if you put the brakes to it it might create a chasm between you and Ron. I have no real advice, sorry.

I just read this = " I suggested that rather than just doing it very abruptly, like just not answering at ALL" I think limiting and slowly putting space between them is Ron's best option.
 
Ronni said:
Well, now I feel the need to defend him. He is very sensitive to the way this situation feels for me, and not just because we've talked about it at length. I am sensitive to the relationship dynamics involved between him, his ex, the kids and grandkids and *I* am the one who has told him NOT to take any precipitous action with his ex, even as he has been slowly pulling back and bit by bit working on the boundaries. The LAST thing I need or want is to be responsible for resentment between him and his kids, or between any of them and me. Ron is squarely in the middle of this, and it's an uncomfortable place for him to be, and I personally won't do anything to push it from uncomfortable to untenable. Yeah, if I were a selfish, self-focused sort I'd be demanding all kinds of accommodations. But I'm not, and am hyper-aware of the many obstacles and challenges of blended families.


I've never felt other than his first priority. It's a situation that I have felt could benefit from the wisdom and insights of folks who can present an objective and unbiased view, which I have been very thankful for this forum in providing. I'm not at my wits' end about this, simply wanted other perspectives, so if I gave you the idea that I'm desperate to resolve this immediately I apologize. It will take time, and I'm thrilled about the offered suggestions and strategies for moving this in a more healthy direction!
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When it comes to my man I am " a selfish,self absorbed sort " . I am kind hearted but not foolish. I don't share his attention with ex wives or any other woman. If she needs to talk to someone it should be you not her ex.
I would share him with his kids,they came first and deserving but not any ex wife is going to be needy with him.
He has a lot of nerve to even expect you to deal with this ex.
 

Ronni said:
We've talked about this more, and he's begun limiting the calls. I suggested that rather than just doing it very abruptly, like just not answering at ALL, he taper off. The reality of the situation is that she could easily create issues between me and their daughters and the grandkids if she were so inclined, so to be prudent I think it's smarter to ease into this new relationship with her, rather than go all or nothing! I currently have very warm relationships with his kids and grandkids, and though I don't really think she could drive much of a wedge in between us, (they're pretty savvy about their Mom's dysfunctionality) I just don't want the unpleasantness.

Bottom line is it's working. She's calling less now than she used to. Unless she's been drinking heavily that is, and then she just blows up EVERONE's phone! But that's a separate issue.
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Sounds good to me Ronni, the calls are limited and the reaction at this point is very subtle, not too extreme. I hope you can continue to have a good relationship with other members of the family despite the ex and her invasive personality. You're a smart lady, I think you two will continue to work around this annoyance and enjoy your lives together.
 
Ronni, I guess I would take cues from how your husband deals with her... it doesn't sound like he is too too worried about her, his actions speak louder than words. Until he starts acting otherwise I don't think I would be too worried about her. You are lucky that he is so transparent with you about her. It will be up to you to set up future boundaries so I think most of us are all agreeing here.

Three years ago my daughter invited her dad and wife to our christmas dinners... it has worked out so far and our granddaughter loves it that we are all together but I will be honest with you, I was uncomfortable at first since I divorced him for a reason. I still wouldn't lose any sleep ever seeing him again but I would never tell my daughter that.
 
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