I miss him so much.

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
It’s Devin’s birthday.

I woke up feeling heavy, a low hum of some unnameable dread running through me. I stayed frenetically busy at work today, giving myself no time to feel. The drive home I played music loud enough to rock the car. I wanted to un-hear the thoughts ricocheting around in my head.

Ron met me with one of his Superman hugs, and I was so grateful and shuddered and gasped and let some tears escape. I’m sitting here now working on drinking myself into numbness.

I’ve lost my sense of whimsy and enchantment, of being happy just because, of looking at a future with excited anticipation. I’m way off my game and deeply in the weeds, no matter what my outside looks or sounds like. I’m sad even when I’m happy. Grief continues to ambush me at random and unlikely moments.

I miss my boy desperately. I miss cooking with him, talking endlessly about movies watched and soon to be watched. I miss his “When will it be food?” question so plaintively asked when we had a family get together. I miss his “Hi Moms it’s Devin” every time he called me, even though he knew that I would recognize his voice after the first syllable.

I miss being able to call him to ask “Have I seen this movie Dev?” or shopping for the hottest hot sauce I can find. I miss his mentoring whenever I had a computer problem, and his endless patience as he worked to expand my knowledge base. I just miss him. I’m not only missing him and who he was and all that he brought to my life, but I’m also missing who *I* was with him in my life. A piece of me is missing. I’m incomplete.

I’m struggling so hard to live in the ruins of what used to be, and can’t ever be again.

I resent that life continues to move forward. Dammit my kid is dead the world HAS to stop! But it doesn’t and that’s so unfair and wretched and awful.

Happy 43rd Birthday Devvie. I love you SO much. 💔

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Sending you a big hug Ronni. What a precious gift he has been to your life, and I'm sure to anyone else he ever met. Grief comes in waves and can be so hard to bear. Our heart goes out to you.

If it's any help at all, I think your son would have wanted you to recall all the fond memories you have shared together without letting the tremendous loss overwhelm your life. There's no doubt that he not only loved you dearly, but that he cared about your welfare as well. Try, as best you can, to smile when you think of him and heartfelt moments. Don't let grief tear you apart. He wouldn't have wanted that. If you need to talk with a friend, clergy, or professional, please do so. Sometimes just talking about something helps ease the burden.
 

Ronni said:
“When will it be food?” question so plaintively asked when we had a family get together
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That's so adorable and, now, heart wrenching. How I love to feed my son and I can tell you did too. It's one of our most basic maternal instincts. and our boys know how to pull that string.
Ronni said:
I resent that life continues to move forward
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Yep. When I first found out my son had a bad incurable disease, I would look at healthy young men and feel anger toward them for no good reason.

I have no answers, Ronni, but loads of understanding and sympathy. ((((Ronni)))
 
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Unfortunately, two of my friends have lost their children. Both of them said the only thing that helped was time. I was actually very close to my best friend‘s daughter from the time she was a little girl and I too was devastated when she died. It’s a level of pain that I hope I never have to experience. I’m so very sorry, Ronni.
 
First @ Ronni, I have no words other than to say my heart is with you. What a beautiful tribute. We all love you in this forum. 🫂
I worked with a woman in her 50's who lost her 23 year-old son to suicide. We were making sales calls one day and she shared the whole story with me. He was her "baby", she was clearly hurting and put her efforts into her work to try to overcome it. She was single at the time but later met a wonderful man that she has since married. I met him and his son at a friend's wedding. His son was a handsome, successful guy. He recently committed suicide at 33 y/o. I am in disbelief that both of them must now suffer through this with their sons.

Life seems so unfair sometimes. I can't pretend to know what you are going through, but as others have said, keep remembering Devin and the good times the two of you had. If you need to cry, let it all out.
 
Ronni said:
It’s Devin’s birthday.

I woke up feeling heavy, a low hum of some unnameable dread running through me. I stayed frenetically busy at work today, giving myself no time to feel. The drive home I played music loud enough to rock the car. I wanted to un-hear the thoughts ricocheting around in my head.

Ron met me with one of his Superman hugs, and I was so grateful and shuddered and gasped and let some tears escape. I’m sitting here now working on drinking myself into numbness.

I’ve lost my sense of whimsy and enchantment, of being happy just because, of looking at a future with excited anticipation. I’m way off my game and deeply in the weeds, no matter what my outside looks or sounds like. I’m sad even when I’m happy. Grief continues to ambush me at random and unlikely moments.

I miss my boy desperately. I miss cooking with him, talking endlessly about movies watched and soon to be watched. I miss his “When will it be food?” question so plaintively asked when we had a family get together. I miss his “Hi Moms it’s Devin” every time he called me, even though he knew that I would recognize his voice after the first syllable.

I miss being able to call him to ask “Have I seen this movie Dev?” or shopping for the hottest hot sauce I can find. I miss his mentoring whenever I had a computer problem, and his endless patience as he worked to expand my knowledge base. I just miss him. I’m not only missing him and who he was and all that he brought to my life, but I’m also missing who *I* was with him in my life. A piece of me is missing. I’m incomplete.

I’m struggling so hard to live in the ruins of what used to be, and can’t ever be again.

I resent that life continues to move forward. Dammit my kid is dead the world HAS to stop! But it doesn’t and that’s so unfair and wretched and awful.

Happy 43rd Birthday Devvie. I love you SO much. 💔

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Ronni, I feel your pain and still think of you often. I'm so sorry you lost your son, and I knew you would be hurting and grieving for a long, long time.

I'm glad you have a loving hubby and family to comfort you, but I know it's really not enough, unfortunately. Sending you warm thoughts, love and hugs.....know that you're loved even by online friends.

My husband and best friend of fifty years passed unexpectedly in October of '24. His birthday was December 6, lots of tears being shed here too. I don't have anyone here but my furkids for comfort. I'm grateful for them, I will never stop loving or missing my dear husband, and I've accepted that my grief will continue as long as I do.

Like you, love and strong bonds cannot be ignored, they are there in our hearts, we have to make the best of our time here. They would want us to. 💙☮️

Hang in there my friend. 🌷
 

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