I Need a Magic Pill or an Incantation!!!

Athos said:
Yes, it is VERY galling. She has done this all my life. Especially when she has fawned over my nephew and spoiled him while treating me totally different, constantly. The same with my cousins who can do no wrong. My father was the same way. The attitude is that "As your mother (or father) I can say what I please and criticize you all your life whether you like it or not". They think it is their right to do that. I don't really cope well with it. My sister refuses to speak about herself much, and often screams loudly at her with sarcasm.. Or hangs up the phone a lot. Everyone else thinks she is a warm wonderful old lady.
But the opposite of this is to never judge or criticize your child at all which might be just as bad.
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That sounds like how my grandfather's generation would have raised kids. Seen and not heard, smack them into obedience, and never consider their feelings. I think our aged parents have brought that philosophy along with them, but I think our generation was when the change in child rearing techniques began to change. And hopefully our children didn't get to many confusing messages along the way hey?

But I also think that judging our children and criticizing them is counterproductive and a waste of time. Their lives are their lives and reflect only on them. We don't have to make it all about us as in 'what will the neighbours think' and 'don't let the family down, I never raised you like that', etc. So we don't need to get our panties in a twist if they don't behave exactly how we would like. My mother does that always and the result is that no one seems to want to be her 'friend'.
 

It is even worse when your mother acts like a know it all and has all the answers
and thinks she always knows what is best for me. Like the joke, "I don't need
Google, my mother knows everything". I recently retired and my mother is against it.
Life is all about work.
 
I hadn't heard your saying before Athos but I think it could be applied to my mom. I don't recall her ever saying anything like ' I didn't know that...I'm glad you told me about it'. Never.

I'll bet your mom is telling you exactly how you should manage your retirement too isn't she or is she one of those people who prefers to chime in when she sees you 'doing it wrong'?

Currently I'm on day four of not talking to my mom, because the Christmas day phone call was 'one of those' if you know what I mean. Until a year ago, my mom was talking to her sister daily (sometimes twice a day) and then my aunt died. So I've been trying to take up the slack a bit by upping our interactions to about every three days just so she will feel like she's in the loop and in the thoughts of someone but Christmas day ...... let's just say I'm waiting on her this time.

It's exhausting being in relationships with people like these isn't it? At least I don't feel like it's just me because both my daughters have the same kind of relationship with her, one cousin made a comment once years ago that she understood why I moved so far away and my favourite aunt also hinted once that her sister (my mom) was a 'bit much'. She was trying to be nice. And every time I hear that my mother talked to my sister who lives near Chicago, she says she had another 'fight' with her. You'd think at some point people would look at a relational track record of lousy or uncomfortable relationships like my mother has and begin to wonder if they aren't doing something wrong. But I guess it's always everyone else's fault to those sorts of folks.

Well, keep your chin up Athos....because all things do pass.
 

My mom and I fought like two Banty hens.. NO one knew how to push my buttons like she could.. WHY? because she DESIGNED those buttons.. Mom has been gone now for 15 years. I have had those 15 years to reflect on our relationship and how we interacted... what she said and how she said things. I have had time to step back and see her in a different light.. Knowing her family history.. and knowing HER life story, I am a bit kinder in my memories. I can understand things now, that I couldn't then. So.... that said.. there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I could tell her how sorry I am for many of the fights.. and the things I did and said. Sorry for my part in the turmoil. That doesn't mean I absolve her from all the blame.. It just means I understand it better. AND I miss my mom..
 
You're a generous daughter QS. Sometimes looking back helps sort things out that couldn't be sorted out when they happened. Missing your mom just shows there was lots of love hidden in the nooks and crannies.
 
Debby said:
You're a generous daughter QS. Sometimes looking back helps sort things out that couldn't be sorted out when they happened. Missing your mom just shows there was lots of love hidden in the nooks and crannies.
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Oh there certainly were tons of nooks and crannies.. She could be mean and nasty.. But I think being removed from the conflict for so many years has taken the edge off and allowed me to look at things more objectively. That's hard to do when you are in the middle of the turmoil.
 
My mother and I get along very well. We are over our difficulties. Of course, it helps that I don't tell her anything I don't think she needs to know about - LOL.

My late mother-in-law....whooee....'nother story there. I didn't actually meet her until I had been married for five years and she usually referred to me as "The Whore of Babylon" up until then. We eventually became quite civil to each other, but there was no affection.
 
QuickSilver said:
Oh there certainly were tons of nooks and crannies.. She could be mean and nasty.. But I think being removed from the conflict for so many years has taken the edge off and allowed me to look at things more objectively. That's hard to do when you are in the middle of the turmoil.
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Well I'm glad for you that getting away from the turmoil gave you space to understand the situation. Must have done wonders for your mental state.

In my case, I moved 3000 miles away from mine and the tension that existed between us only got moved to every phone call . That may change though in the next 3-5 years as my own aging process and my latent guilt over leaving my old mum to fend for herself when she's not able to (future tense) has me planning a return to the same area. Am I mad or just like to suffer or am I unable to turn off the genes that compel me to a deep level of family 'duty'. I have visions of myself driving her to the doctor while I grit my teeth and listen to my heart pounding out of my chest and steam comes out my ears like some wacky Loony-Tunes character! Oh well, you do what you have to do right?
 
Ralphy1 said:
Hmmm, and why were you called the whore? :love_heart:
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As well you might ask. Here's the story: out of the 11 children in the family, my late husband was the one who was going to be "given" to the church. Literally from the day of his birth, he was destined for the priesthood (he was the last boy and it was pretty obvious by that time that there wasn't much hope for the older boys being "the chosen one"). After graduating from college at the seminary, he decided he didn't want to be a priest and went into the service. At that point, he wasn't even sure he wanted to be a Catholic any longer. We met at that time and decided to marry. His mother had hoped that when he got out of the service, he'd "come to his senses" and go back for the final four years of seminary. Any woman who he married would be objected to, but the fact that I was...gasp...a Protestant made it even worse.....especially a Protestant who didn't want to convert and wasn't going to promise to raise the children Catholic. Thus, I was "The Whore of Babylon"...who tempted her "holy" son and turned him into an agnostic (even though I didn't know him at the time), which he was til his dying day.
 

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