"I only want what is in my child's best interests", (virtue signaling or application for sainthood?)

grahamg

grahamg

Old codger
Location
South of Manchester, UK
Many on this forum will already know my views on the principle underpinning our family law systems, so I won't repeat them here, (look em up if you feel you need to).

The operative word in the thread title is "ONLY", the one I helpfully highlighted in capitals for you!

Without that small word I might argue any half decent parent wants what's in the child's best interests, in most circumstances anyway, (partisans in Yugoslavia during WWII reportedly strangling their own babies because their crying might give away their own position to the Nazi soldiers being an extreme example of parents not acting in a child's best interests, or at least, " above everything else").

However my focus here is on those parents proudly and reatedly putting forward a statement that makes them look like better people, certainly a better person/parent than the other one they're arguing with over the child, (hence "virtue signalling"!).

Those in authority say they too "only want what's in the best interests of the child", (the law forcing them to assert this in most western countries I believe), but so much is out of the hands of any authority as they can't force parents to love their children. They can only destroy the efforts of some doing so, as they busily try to deal with difficult situations in broken families one after another, and come up with a compromise of some kind.

The child being told the statement in the thread title by one or both parents, will learn eventually that they have been lied to, or at least told a half truth, because if argue "NO PARENT" ever goes through their lives without having dome selfish thoughts, no matter that they probably do all they can to put their children first and be genuinely good, and honest parents.

Unless you think you're a saint you can't pretend, if you use the thread title assertion, that you never consider your own interests sometimes over anyone else's.
 

First of all my mother was an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. No one will tell me I can't know what that woman was. I was raised by her and was her victim. She could be a good mother but when she flipped (and it would happen over some tiny thing or nothing) it was split second and her rages were insane. Once they were over (and they could go on for two days or more) she forgot them and they never happened. What a brain. This is very common for borderlines.

One of my mother's repeated lines was "I only want what's best for you." Dealing with her behavior when it happened and that line is a real mind you know what. When I read that they believe childhood abuse rewires the brains of those children, it explained a lot.

Also strangers would comment on how polite we were. That was plain fear. My mother literally stated one time "not everyone had the happy home life you did." That's how crazy that woman was.
 
Remy said:
First of all my mother was an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. No one will tell me I can't know what that woman was. I was raised by her and was her victim. She could be a good mother but when she flipped (and it would happen over some tiny thing or nothing) it was split second and her rages were insane. Once they were over (and they could go on for two days or more) she forgot them and they never happened. What a brain. This is very common for borderlines.

One of my mother's repeated lines was "I only want what's best for you." Dealing with her behavior when it happened and that line is a real mind you know what. When I read that they believe childhood abuse rewires the brains of those children, it explained a lot.

Also strangers would comment on how polite we were. That was plain fear. My mother literally stated one time "not everyone had the happy home life you did." That's how crazy that woman was.
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Same here. We were ruled by fear and practically perfect children as a result.
 

Remy said:
First of all my mother was an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. No one will tell me I can't know what that woman was. I was raised by her and was her victim. She could be a good mother but when she flipped (and it would happen over some tiny thing or nothing) it was split second and her rages were insane. Once they were over (and they could go on for two days or more) she forgot them and they never happened. What a brain. This is very common for borderlines.
One of my mother's repeated lines was "I only want what's best for you." Dealing with her behavior when it happened and that line is a real mind you know what. When I read that they believe childhood abuse rewires the brains of those children, it explained a lot.
Also strangers would comment on how polite we were. That was plain fear. My mother literally stated one time "not everyone had the happy home life you did." That's how crazy that woman was.
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Your obviously very genuine story gave me another take on the phrase I choose to try to examine and persuade people it has ramifications far beyond what they imagine is possible, most believing it a completely benign phrase, but as you say it only means what anyone from your mother or father, to someone charged with responsibility under our family laws, believes might be in a child's interests, (the most crucial aspects of this being beyond their control anyway, such as whether the child is loved by their parents).

Quote: One of my mother's repeated lines was "I only want what's best for you."

Your parents can fairly say they "only want what it best for you" too, as I know I did so far as my daughter was concerned, but I did not realise this argument could mean it could be used by those framing family laws in the UK to justify denying all parents any statutory rights over their children. Hence when any of us says "we only want what is in our child's best interests", we cannot possibly envisage this means our total exclusion from their lives is in their best interests, and how can we think that way, (to use an extreme example, if we did think that way then when they were born the parents would not care for them).

I know situations can arise where contact with your child become difficult even where there is the best intentions in the world, but in my view this doesn't give those in authority the right to condemn us parents as they undoubtedly do, thinking they know what's best, or if they cannot be sure this is the case. Their default position is always favour the child over the parent, (to "keep themselves on the safe side" i.e. less likely to be criticised should anything go wrong were they to back a nonresident parent).
 
I relate to this. My mother was quite mad in both senses of word. A total sorehead about everything from trivial to big things. Then after she was outraged screaming and threatening, she calmed down and acted like nothing happened. Enjoyed belittling and put downs, like it was nothing at all. Or else sweet and "loving". When they say it is in the best interests of the child, so often it is in their own best interests, and this is true of everyone.
 
My mother got it wrong.. she meant to say "I only want what's best for me". Oh how she would have loved me to be her idea of a perfect child so that she could boast about how good a parent she was. I'm sure she was very insecure and couldn't handle the thought of being criticised.
 
Capt Lightning said:
My mother got it wrong.. she meant to say "I only want what's best for me". Oh how she would have loved me to be her idea of a perfect child so that she could boast about how good a parent she was. I'm sure she was very insecure and couldn't handle the thought of being criticised.
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It may be true, just as you say, and maybe my own mother was equally unable to accept criticism, though I gave her more than she deserved I now feel, and she told me repeatedly "I did my best Graham", (and since she's passed, and its too late, I now know how truly she did do her best, so there's an irony there I feel).
 
Can I put this account of what her parents divorcing felt like to one young woman, (found on a religious website):

"My heart broke the day my mom told me she didn’t love my dad anymore. It was June, without a cloud in the sky on that hot Arizona day. After completing my sophomore year of college in California, I decided to go home for a weekend visit with my parents. As always, it was nice visiting my family, but at the same time something didn’t feel right. Shortly before I left to go back, my mom asked me to take a walk around our block. The walk was mostly silent, and then, without looking at me, she dropped the bomb.

  • I don’t love your dad anymore…
  • I’m not sure what to do about it…
  • I’m considering moving out…
My body felt numb. Was I dreaming? Her words repeated over and over in my head, but they wouldn’t sink into my heart. Stunned and silent, my only thought was “why?” – why in the world was this happening to my family? Filled with anger, I got in my car and drove back to California. I cried almost the entire way.

You have to know some things about my family to understand why this came as an overwhelming shock. Up until this point, I believed I had a perfect family. I know that sounds unrealistic, but my friends constantly told me how lucky I was to have parents who raised my brother and me in a Christian home. They were surprised my parents were still married and that we actually did “family things” together. They said we resembled something out of a 1950s television show.

No matter the situation, Mom was an optimistic person. I learned the importance of selflessness through the countless times I saw her extend a hand to friends, elderly, and the homeless. Dad had a wonderful sense of humor and no matter how busy he was, he always went out of his way to help people. Their marriage was no different. They hardly ever fought, and often they would kiss and cuddle in front of my brother and me just so we would get embarrassed. Although I hardly acknowledged it, deep within I appreciated their example of love.

As I started to prepare for college, this normality of my parent’s life began to change. Mom often appeared distant and confused. Dad said she was having a “midlife crisis.” I had no idea what this meant, but to try and solve the problem, "
 
My mother was quite mad--in both senses of the word. Histrionic. Always on the verge of anger and nasty comments in the family. Screaming over nothing, then acting as if it never happened. Constant belittling--then she has the gaul to expect me to come to visit. It's the cause and effect of abuse.
"I have your best interests in mind" means that it is probably in her--the parents best interest-- in some way. And I think this is true for everyone. It means this is what I want you to do because I know better--I am older, wiser. I am the queen or king and you are the lowly one.
Of course, sometimes the parent really does know what is best. Such as stay away from that neighborhood.
 
Victor said:
My mother was quite mad--in both senses of the word. Histrionic. Always on the verge of anger and nasty comments in the family. Screaming over nothing, then acting as if it never happened. Constant belittling--then she has the gaul to expect me to come to visit. It's the cause and effect of abuse.
"I have your best interests in mind" means that it is probably in her--the parents best interest-- in some way. And I think this is true for everyone. It means this is what I want you to do because I know better--I am older, wiser. I am the queen or king and you are the lowly one.
Of course, sometimes the parent really does know what is best. Such as stay away from that neighborhood.
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Growing up isn't necessarily easy, even with the best parents in the world involved, (children can go off the rails at almost any age, for whatever reason, or maybe for no obvious reason. :)
 
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