I want to move, husband refuses

P

Peridot

New Member
Location
Pennsylvania
Hello! Finally found a forum for seniors that I can relate to! I would really like to hear your views or suggestions on a dilemma I'm having. I hate our city, neighborhood, neighbors, house, etc. I bought our house 16 yrs ago when I was single. Met my husband shortly after that & have been married 5 years.

The neighborhood has changed; we have party people on one side of us who aren't taking care of their house so it's a mess, Section 8 neighbors on the other side who are quiet but don't take care of the property, Section 8 house across the street too and there have been times where the police have been called on them. I get weeds growing on our property from both sides so I have to take care of that.

We've put a lot of money into our house and it still needs a lot of work, around $25k for new kitchen, bath, driveway, hardwood floors refinished. I'm 62, hubby is 58.

There's a wonderful over 55 gated community, surrounded by woods, located in a nearby boro that has 450 manufactured homes, some with garages/carports that I've fallen in love with and recently took a tour of homes for sale. There are so many activities scheduled, a huge community center, absolutely beautiful. They don't have basements but that's ok, I want everything on one floor.

The management co. requires a criminal background check, all home owners must take care of their property so no issues there. I met some of the neighbors while touring and some are younger than me, all very very nice. I've talked to people who live there and they love it.

Here's the problem, my husband won't move there! I get every excuse you can think of! He has no place to put his gun safe, I tell him he can have the whole garage for his guns if he wants. He doesn't want to live with 'old' people. He doesn't want to live in a trailer. The square footage of the houses is the same as my house so there's plenty of room. He said he wants to stay where we are or move to another county.

At my age, I don't want to move far from family, travel far to work or start over again with a 30 yr mortgage. We've put so much money into our house and will never get that money out of it. I'm been trying to get him to move for years! He said if I move there, he'd buy the house from me and stay there, or move to an apartment. This is a big issue!

Every time something happens in the neighborhood, I say we're moving I hate it here. He says fine you move out, I'll stay here. Nothing that happens seems to phase him. I'm so sorry for such a long post, but I really some advice! TIA
 

Welcome Peridot!

Sorry to hear your husband isn't on the same page with you, sounds like you want a positive move for the both of you. I'm really surprised that your husband suggests splitting up and his staying in your old house without you, that's troublesome for sure. I could understand that better if it was originally his house, and that he bought and paid for it and was really attached for that reason....but that's not the case it seems.

I think you really need to have a heart to heart with him about that, find out the real reason he'd rather jeopardize his relationship with you rather than move into a nice new home with you so you can enjoy it together, his reasons are very shallow IMO. Could it be something underlying, I don't know him but it's something that popped into my head? Could he have a problem with the criminal background check that they insist on, does he has a special friend in the old neighborhood that he doesn't want to move away from? Gotta be something. :confused:
 
I'm the last person to give advice on anything like this, I guess it boils down to how unhappy you are living in your current home compared how much your husband means to you ....

Whatever you decide I wish you luck and hope you find a happy solution, and a big welcome to Senior Forums :flowers:
 
Read him the riot act! : "We're moving. I've contacted a real estate agent and I'm selling this house, the house I bought, long before you, ASAP!" If he doesn't want to go, stop off at your attorney's office, on the way to your real estate agent's office. Who wants to be with a mate who doesn't care if the place you're presently living at is making you miserable?
 
1st. welcome Peridot




Looking for some input from other seniors makes a lot of sense because often when buried in a problem seeing a resolution isn't easy. I think what you may be looking for is a 1st step.

As a 1st. step talk to your husband about why he is willing to buy the house & say goodbye to you. That will probably difficult because most people don't like confrontations. But once you know where his mind is in your relationship the rest of what you need or want can be discussed.

You have a right to your happiness, you are employed and when you were single not to long ago you bought the house you live in. That says a lot about being a being a capable independent woman. If you decide to comfront that issue maybe you will come back and explain how it went.
 
Thank you so much for your suggestions! After I posted my issue, I was a little embarrassed thinking oh my gosh, this is such a personal problem and I'm asking strangers for advice! You have made me feel so much better :)... Husband doesn't have criminal background, I've known his family for years so he's not hiding anything. Great guy, no other problems. I think he is afraid of change. Same thing happens with jobs. No matter how much he hates a job he won't look for a new one until he's forced to when he gets laid off. Will keep your suggestions in mind!
 
Peridot said:
Thank you so much for your suggestions! After I posted my issue, I was a little embarrassed thinking oh my gosh, this is such a personal problem and I'm asking strangers for advice! You have made me feel so much better :)... Husband doesn't have criminal background, I've known his family for years so he's not hiding anything. Great guy, no other problems. I think he is afraid of change. Same thing happens with jobs. No matter how much he hates a job he won't look for a new one until he's forced to when he gets laid off. Will keep your suggestions in mind!
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Glad you feel better, you can ask about anything here, lots of folks who care and may have had similar experiences. If there's no other problems, then I just think you need to take a different approach when reasoning with him.

Let him know that the change will be nice for both of you, and the most important thing is that you'll be together. Reassure him you'll always be there for him and help him with anything he might be uncomfortable with at first. He has to love you more than he fears change, he can't want you to stay in an area where you feel insecure or upset about the neighborhood goings on. Take him out to dinner, have a glass of wine, and talk. :love_heart:
 
I was thinking he doesn't want a change before I read your last post Peridot. I know people like that. If I were you I'd sell the house and move. If the choice is between moving with you or moving to an apartment, he'll move with you. If you let him buy your house, he'll probably stay there since he hates change so much.
 
I think Wren nailed it. We only have so many years and we have to make the most of them. As you know, you have two issues - one is the relationship and that is totally private and you have to figure out what will work best for you. But the living environment - I am a big fan of 55+ communities. You are among contemporaries, the community is geared towards your wants and needs. We are in such a community since 2003 and have not once doubted our decision.
 
ray188 said:
I think Wren nailed it. We only have so many years and we have to make the most of them. As you know, you have two issues - one is the relationship and that is totally private and you have to figure out what will work best for you. But the living environment - I am a big fan of 55+ communities. You are among contemporaries, the community is geared towards your wants and needs. We are in such a community since 2003 and have not once doubted our decision.
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Ray: One size doesn't fit all.
 
I feel for Peridot. I wouldn't want to insist so much that my husband moved with me just to satisfy me or shut me up. I wouldn't want him in the new place unless he really wanted to be there with me and was happy and content about it.

If he said he would rather live without me than move there, it would hurt me inside, after all we depend on our spouses to be supportive, loving and want to be with us no matter what. I think the only way she and her husband can resolve this is discussion, talk about pros and cons, and maybe coming to an agreement where they both will be happy. She won't be very happy in the new home all alone, and he will definitely miss her and not be very happy in the old house. Looking forward to a positive update from her.
 
Peridot said:
Hello! Finally found a forum for seniors that I can relate to! I would really like to hear your views or suggestions on a dilemma I'm having. I hate our city, neighborhood, neighbors, house, etc. I bought our house 16 yrs ago when I was single. Met my husband shortly after that & have been married 5 years.

The neighborhood has changed; we have party people on one side of us who aren't taking care of their house so it's a mess, Section 8 neighbors on the other side who are quiet but don't take care of the property, Section 8 house across the street too and there have been times where the police have been called on them. I get weeds growing on our property from both sides so I have to take care of that.

We've put a lot of money into our house and it still needs a lot of work, around $25k for new kitchen, bath, driveway, hardwood floors refinished. I'm 62, hubby is 58.

There's a wonderful over 55 gated community, surrounded by woods, located in a nearby boro that has 450 manufactured homes, some with garages/carports that I've fallen in love with and recently took a tour of homes for sale. There are so many activities scheduled, a huge community center, absolutely beautiful. They don't have basements but that's ok, I want everything on one floor.

The management co. requires a criminal background check, all home owners must take care of their property so no issues there. I met some of the neighbors while touring and some are younger than me, all very very nice. I've talked to people who live there and they love it.

Here's the problem, my husband won't move there! I get every excuse you can think of! He has no place to put his gun safe, I tell him he can have the whole garage for his guns if he wants. He doesn't want to live with 'old' people. He doesn't want to live in a trailer. The square footage of the houses is the same as my house so there's plenty of room. He said he wants to stay where we are or move to another county.

At my age, I don't want to move far from family, travel far to work or start over again with a 30 yr mortgage. We've put so much money into our house and will never get that money out of it. I'm been trying to get him to move for years! He said if I move there, he'd buy the house from me and stay there, or move to an apartment. This is a big issue!

Every time something happens in the neighborhood, I say we're moving I hate it here. He says fine you move out, I'll stay here. Nothing that happens seems to phase him. I'm so sorry for such a long post, but I really some advice! TIA
Click to expand...
Here's another thing...the safety issue. You are surrounded by Section 8 housing and you have seen police cars at times. Now I know there can be some nice people living there but section8 housing does have a reputation for crime, drugs, etc. I knew someone living alone in Section 8 housing. There was a homicide next door to her where the husband shot the wife dead. It scared her. (and I'll bet that guy would have loved to rob someone of their gun cabinet like the one your husband possesses).

Ask your husband these questions. Do you love me enough to care for my safety? (that alone should do it) Do you love me enough to protect me from harm? Do you you love me enough to want happiness for me over being miserable? Do you love me enough to re-locate your gun cabinet? Do you love me enough to man-up to change.

He says, "Fine. You move out. I'll stay here"? Seriously? This doesn't sound like a man who loves you as much as a husband should. He should want to fight for you. He cares more about the logistics of his gun cabinet? As far as living with old people...ask him to define "old". Seniors are more active these days and the community has planned activities for everyone to enjoy. New friends to be made. Ask him where he sees himself in 5 or 10 years.
 
Lara said:
It's not a matter of "Who". It's "What".

"The [deteriorating] neighborhood, neighbors, house and...every time something happens in the neighborhood" according to the opening post.
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But still that's not moving him. He has to be willing. And pushing him only makes him push back.

He's a procrastinator. Give him time.
 
treeguy64 said:
Read him the riot act! : "We're moving. I've contacted a real estate agent and I'm selling this house, the house I bought, long before you, ASAP!" If he doesn't want to go, stop off at your attorney's office, on the way to your real estate agent's office. Who wants to be with a mate who doesn't care if the place you're presently living at is making you miserable?
Click to expand...

That would be the same approach hubby is taking. Might as well file for divorce.

I wouldn't want to live in a manufactured home community either. Fine for some but not for others. Not sure what to suggest other than another subdivision that doesn't have the current problems.
 
Peridot said:
Hello! Finally found a forum for seniors that I can relate to! I would really like to hear your views or suggestions on a dilemma I'm having. I hate our city, neighborhood, neighbors, house, etc. I bought our house 16 yrs ago when I was single. Met my husband shortly after that & have been married 5 years.

The neighborhood has changed; we have party people on one side of us who aren't taking care of their house so it's a mess, Section 8 neighbors on the other side who are quiet but don't take care of the property, Section 8 house across the street too and there have been times where the police have been called on them. I get weeds growing on our property from both sides so I have to take care of that.

We've put a lot of money into our house and it still needs a lot of work, around $25k for new kitchen, bath, driveway, hardwood floors refinished. I'm 62, hubby is 58.

There's a wonderful over 55 gated community, surrounded by woods, located in a nearby boro that has 450 manufactured homes, some with garages/carports that I've fallen in love with and recently took a tour of homes for sale. There are so many activities scheduled, a huge community center, absolutely beautiful. They don't have basements but that's ok, I want everything on one floor.

The management co. requires a criminal background check, all home owners must take care of their property so no issues there. I met some of the neighbors while touring and some are younger than me, all very very nice. I've talked to people who live there and they love it.

Here's the problem, my husband won't move there! I get every excuse you can think of! He has no place to put his gun safe, I tell him he can have the whole garage for his guns if he wants. He doesn't want to live with 'old' people. He doesn't want to live in a trailer. The square footage of the houses is the same as my house so there's plenty of room. He said he wants to stay where we are or move to another county.

At my age, I don't want to move far from family, travel far to work or start over again with a 30 yr mortgage. We've put so much money into our house and will never get that money out of it. I'm been trying to get him to move for years! He said if I move there, he'd buy the house from me and stay there, or move to an apartment. This is a big issue!

Every time something happens in the neighborhood, I say we're moving I hate it here. He says fine you move out, I'll stay here. Nothing that happens seems to phase him. I'm so sorry for such a long post, but I really some advice! TIA
Click to expand...

I can relate to a married couple having completely different views on how to spend the golden years.
If a compromise can't be found then someone is not going to get their way.
I would do my best to find reasons for him to come around to my thinking. In my case, unfortunately I think he's doing the same thing.
Have you done a list of pros and cons for him? Maybe you can come up with more pros he hasn't thought of.
Good Luck. It's not easy.
 
Lara, you have brought up some very good questions for me to ask. I want to thank all of you for your time and suggestions :)
I'm still working on him! Last time we talked, he said I know you're unhappy here, you can move and I'll stay here. We'll see each other twice a week and I'm not moving unless they take me out in a box! Other reasons - we'll have to start over and have home improvements again, the rooms will be too small so we'll have to give up our king size bed, etc.

Also, he had a hip replacement, fell 2 wks after surgery, dislocated his femur and damaged new hip. The master bedroom is on the 2nd flr and the bathroom is on the 1st flr so he's been sleeping in the spare room for 8 months now! Wouldn't it make sense to move to home with everything on one floor?

As far as I'm concerned, I will not be married 'part time', it's all or nothing. I'll keep you updated. Very stressful and I'm starting to get resentful. Thanks all!
 
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