I was raised in a loveless family

Bretrick

Bretrick

Well-known Member
Location
Perth Western Australia
I sometimes make posts like this one simply because it is in my head when I awaken.
Why not share life experiences?

I was raised in a loveless family
This meant I never developed familial feelings.
As a result, I had trouble developing trust and empathy.
Closeness and intimacy were not possible. I stayed remote from everyone and as a result most of my life I have been alone.
That does not mean I am lonely, aloneness is my life and I have learnt to live with it.
I am fascinated by the reactions of people when family members and friends die.
Because emotional attachment is not a part of my makeup, the death of people means nothing to me.
I simply say, "I knew them, they are no more."
Has this stunted my development? Some would say yes, I say, "I have come to love the person I have become and I do not need people in my life."
 

Babs2u said:
Affection was not on display in my family but I felt some kind of love. We did not hug and hugging still feels a bit foreign.
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I would freak out and back away if someone tried to hug me.
I most likely would not freak out if it happened today, though I have no desire to instigate such a thing. :)
 

Indeed, why not share life experiences, if we're game enough. Respect to you for doing so.
Has your experience stunted your growth? I doubt it, but it's certainly shaped it.
ACE's, adverse childhood experiences, affect kids and who they can become. There are so many variables here, the nature, frequency and number of ACE's for a start. Then there's demographics and individuality of the kid's character, strengths and weaknesses.
Thanks for raising a topical and interesting apolitical subject.
 
Rakaia said:
Indeed, why not share life experiences, if we're game enough. Respect to you for doing so.
Has your experience stunted your growth? I doubt it, but it's certainly shaped it.
ACE's, adverse childhood experiences, affect kids and who they can become. There are so many variables here, the nature, frequency and number of ACE's for a start. Then there's demographics and individuality of the kid's character, strengths and weaknesses.
Thanks for raising a topical and interesting apolitical subject.
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My early life experiences most certainly did affect me greatly. I started drinking at age 12 and was an alcoholic by age 15 when I started working and having my own money.
Years of counselling saw me diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder.
Addicted to alcohol and pot.
Eventually I reached the stage where I was "All Therupped Out" - Decided I no longer needed therapy. I knew who I was, I knew why I was who I was and I got to the stage where I liked myself.
Managed to stop drinking/pot - without help - at age 40.
I am okay with myself these days.
 
Our's was definitely not a loveless family, my parents went through hell and back w 5 kids, including 4 in 4 years, but there wasn't much left after that to express love physically or verbally. Perhaps my sisters had a different experience though.

I finally worked up the courage to actually tell my father i loved him a few months before he died. His reply was "well that goes w/out saying" meaning that it was understood and not necessary to verbalize.

I did not do the same to my child however.
 
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We have some things in common, Bretrick. My birth family was loveless as well. I've never married or got the hang of deriving pleasure from close personal relationships.....and I'm comfortable and reasonably contented being alone almost all the time.
But I do volunteer work and the relationships I have with my fellow volunteers are important to me.....however they've never been to my home nor I to theirs. And that's perfectly satisfactory to me.
I started drinking and smoking pot at 18; I quit weed at age 30 and quit drinking at 48.
I was in therapy for 3 years in my mid twenties.........it didn't resolve any issues like trust or self value.
But I did my duty with my family: after Dad's death I moved into the big house and looked after Mom for 17 years until her death. Both of my 2 older brothers are gone too. I don't miss any of them and grieving wasn't an issue for me.
I'm 72 years old and I keep fit, eat a healthy Mediterranean type diet and have ties to the community......but no functional personal relationships.
 
How sad B! Not that you are happy with who you are now, that's great....but that you didn't experience love as a child and haven't experienced true love as an adult. Children deserve to be loved and nurtured. I was blessed to have so much love in my life. Now I am known for being the loving, fun matriarch in my own family, which is one son, his 5 children, my (late) DIL and even her family and my honorary children plus an honorary grandchild. A few days ago, I was just discussing with a couple of my honorary children how some people I've come across on social media don't have what we are blessed with, which is unconditional love and support.
 
I grew up in a chaotic family situation just like millions of other kids.

It was ‘my normal’ and did impact the way I see the world, my choices, and my relationships.

I learned at a very young age that the less you expect the less disappointment you’ll face. It sounds sad but it has served me well.

I started smoking and drinking as a tweenager but I don’t think it had much of anything to do with my family life, it was pretty normal among people my age in the late 60s and was pretty tame compared with many other choices that I could’ve made.

It’s not where you start that matters, it’s where you finish that counts. Make good choices and you’ll be fine.
 
Bretrick said:
I would freak out and back away if someone tried to hug me.
I most likely would not freak out if it happened today, though I have no desire to instigate such a thing. :)
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Well, don't back away because I'm sending you the biggest hug and a sloppy kiss right on your cheek, (face that is).
I come from a family of kissers. Both my parents attended boarding schools where they never experienced hugs and kisses from
anybody. When my mother had us, she couldn't stop kissing us. My father was a bit more reserved.
Cop this Bretrick: 😚😚 and a BIG warm HUG.
 
I was raised the same, no hugs, no affection, the word love was never used. The thing is my parents were capable of love, my sibilings and I just never felt it. When my sister had a baby she dumped the baby at my parents house where I was still living, and my dad smoothered the kid with love, tho my mom not so much. Years later when I had kids my mom couldnt get enough of them, she was as loving toward them as a grandparent could be.
 
It's no secret on here among people who have been here a long time, that I had a horrible upbringing. No Love at all.. really..certainly no hugs no kisses..ever....

The nearest I ever got to hearing anything remotely sweet, was when my mum said '' you're my favourite because you're my first born''... and that was the closest anyone ever came to giving me love...

Mostly we were beaten... and kept hungry...

However this isn't about me.. so I won't prattle on.. just so you know you're not alone .... I never turned to drink or drugs... ever...I always felt that if I did take to something like that, I would just be masking everything and it would all still be there when I tried to stop.. and then I'd have 2 problems then.... so I'm not being holier than thou, it's just the way I dealt with my life...

My siblings all have had their problems as well stemming from the horrible childhood... one turned to drink and drugs.. ( amazingly she was the child who suffered the least abuse) but she stopped the drugs after a few years.. but she still drinks quite heavily... one brother married had kids but didn't know how to hold down a relationship.. and he was also and still is a very violent person.. can't control his anger... so he lost his kids and wife, and he's now basically going from one relationship to another, with no steady home.. living in rented apartments , and moving on after a few months..

.. another brother got so traumatised by it all, he developed a stammer from a young age .. which has blighted him all his life. ... so just saying that I know how you feel.. and I am the same btw.. I freak inwardly whenever anyone tries to hug me... Yikes, I don't like it at all... ..but when my daughter was born, I had to overcome that for her... but she was the only exception, I just couldn't and still can't bear to have anyone hug me... 😖
 
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Bretrick said:
I sometimes make posts like this one simply because it is in my head when I awaken.
Why not share life experiences?

I was raised in a loveless family
This meant I never developed familial feelings.
As a result, I had trouble developing trust and empathy.
Closeness and intimacy were not possible. I stayed remote from everyone and as a result most of my life I have been alone.
That does not mean I am lonely, aloneness is my life and I have learnt to live with it.
I am fascinated by the reactions of people when family members and friends die.
Because emotional attachment is not a part of my makeup, the death of people means nothing to me.
I simply say, "I knew them, they are no more."
Has this stunted my development? Some would say yes, I say, "I have come to love the person I have become and I do not need people in my life."
Click to expand...
Freud said that the most important facet of the personality is whether one is an introvert or an extravert.
Like you, I'm a loner. I've often looked on in wonder at the inconsolable, highly emotional, lengthy grief people feel on the death of a loved one.
I feel powerful grief too, but I accept the loss immediately. There is no denial after the first few seconds.
We're all very different from one another. You should not worry about what you feel. We can't help our reactions to death. We can't help who we are.
 
I remember when I worked for a short time in Grenoble, France, there was a lot of hugging and a kiss on the cheek in the office. There was not so much when I worked in Amsterdam and definitely not in S.England.

Back at home with my parents, there was love, but it felt conditional. My parents were called 'strict' in those days, or abusive in today's language. They expected me to be what they said I should be, and do what they said I should do, but that just made me rebellious. It was all about them - what would people think about them.
 
mrstime said:
You know, no one ever told me they loved me, but I felt I was loved and even now I know they loved me. I however believed in telling all my kids they were loved, hugged them until they didn't want hugs, but I touched them anyway!
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I'm an undemonstrative person. I've lost two of my children to death. Hug your children, tell them you love them every chance you get!
 
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