I went to a grief support group.

[John cycling]

I've been going to a grief support group at a local senior center for the last three Mondays.
There have been 7, 8, and 10 people at the meetings. I wasn't sure what to expect but the overall group has been good.
This is the first one I've attended since my spouse passed away 10 years ago. I was in no condition to attend one at that time.
I like the people who go there, hearing their stories, and having conversations with them, during and after the meetings.

However, the people who have lead the meetings, who are not seniors, do a really crappy job of doing so as they
keep talking too much, talk too loud, "explaining" what people say, read "suggestions" from books - instead of letting
us talk and share with each other. The first guy was just there for one meeting thank goodness. The regular woman since
is better, but this last time she kept yakking and yakking for the first 25 minutes, while everyone else just sat there in silence.

I finally spoke up and said, "Can we go around the group and share what everyone's been doing this past week?"
She said, "Well some people might prefer me to read." I asked the group, "Does anyone want to have her keep reading?"
No one said anything. So I said, "Honestly I can read stuff at home. I came here to share with the other people who come here."
She was at the opposite side of the long table from me, and by that time everyone had turned and was looking at me.

I was putting my watch on, getting my notes and was ready to walk out, but she finally stopped yakking so much.
Then she started reading more the last 5 or 10 minutes, good grief, but people were talking much more at that point.

I want to keep going back because meeting and sharing with the seniors is quite helpful, but I'm not sure when things like that happen.

 

[OneEyedDiva]

Seems to me like the group leader was more interested in showcasing what she knows than letting people talk about their experiences and feelings. Good for you for speaking up. I hope she has taken the hint and will zip it next time.

 

[Blessed]

I tried a couple of groups and also a couple of therapists. Got no where, they were more interested in building them selves up. They did not let anyone speak freely about the struggles of loss.

There was one lady there who worked for a dentist. She had been having an affair with him. He dumped her for a younger woman. She somehow in her mind thought, truly believed she should been in a grief support group that had lost a very close person. I could have behaved very badlly but I just stopped going.

 

[MrPants]

Support groups are for those who have actually experienced what ever the issue is to speak of their experiences with others in the group who can likely relate to it. Any organizer/coordinator should be just that, starting things off, interjecting if/when needed to keep things on track and wrapping things up at the end.
Anything else in counter productive; IMO.

 

[OldFeller]

When my wife died 13 years ago, I had an online date tell me about a group for both widows/widower and their kids.

I looked into it. Best thing I ever did that first year after my wife died. (And yes, it was way too soon trying an online date).

They put kids into a group in one room while the parents were in their own room.

People sat in chairs around the perimeter of the room. Each had about 5 minutes to share what was on their mind.

 

[Jules]

@John cycling Good for you for going to this meeting and also for speaking up. As you say, you can read at home. If she insists on reading again next week, again politely suggest what you said before. If she doesn’t get the message, ask her to explain why she thinks reading is the best way to run the group since it’s supposed to be about individuals and how they feel.

 

[Wren]

John, would you consider starting your own group ? Probably others at the one you mention are as dissatisfied as you are and would welcome a change

 

[Tish]

I am with @Wren on this one.
It's a great idea.

 

[Lewkat]

My son joined a bereavement group almost 5 yrs. ago, shortly after his wife died. This is a group begun by an ex priest for younger widows/widowers. My son, urged by his original leader, took classes and now leads these groups himself.

 

[hearlady]

John, would you consider starting your own group ? Probably others at the one you mention are as dissatisfied as you are and would welcome a change

Good idea!

 

[Rose65]

I've been going to a grief support group at a local senior center for the last three Mondays.
There have been 7, 8, and 10 people at the meetings. I wasn't sure what to expect but the overall group has been good.
This is the first one I've attended since my spouse passed away 10 years ago. I was in no condition to attend one at that time.
I like the people who go there, hearing their stories, and having conversations with them, during and after the meetings.

However, the people who have lead the meetings, who are not seniors, do a really crappy job of doing so as they
keep talking too much, talk too loud, "explaining" what people say, read "suggestions" from books - instead of letting
us talk and share with each other. The first guy was just there for one meeting thank goodness. The regular woman since
is better, but this last time she kept yakking and yakking for the first 25 minutes, while everyone else just sat there in silence.

I finally spoke up and said, "Can we go around the group and share what everyone's been doing this past week?"
She said, "Well some people might prefer me to read." I asked the group, "Does anyone want to have her keep reading?"
No one said anything. So I said, "Honestly I can read stuff at home. I came here to share with the other people who come here."
She was at the opposite side of the long table from me, and by that time everyone had turned and was looking at me.

I was putting my watch on, getting my notes and was ready to walk out, but she finally stopped yakking so much.
Then she started reading more the last 5 or 10 minutes, good grief, but people were talking much more at that point.

I want to keep going back because meeting and sharing with the seniors is quite helpful, but I'm not sure when things like that happen.

Stupid woman doesn't realise that listening is the key, not talking. Sounds like she lacks training and any common sense.

 

[Alizerine]

Shortly after I lost my husband, I joined a widow's group. This did not replace therapy or grief counseling but was an important part of my life. We went to lunch at a different moderately-priced restaurant each month and sometimes toured a point of interest. Conversation might or might not include talk of our husbands. It was a comfort to be out and about with others who had experienced similar life-changing losses. I cherish those days.

 

[Nathan]

However, the people who have lead the meetings, who are not seniors, do a really crappy job of doing so as they
keep talking too much, talk too loud, "explaining" what people say, read "suggestions" from books - instead of letting
us talk and share with each other. The first guy was just there for one meeting thank goodness. The regular woman since
is better, but this last time she kept yakking and yakking for the first 25 minutes, while everyone else just sat there in silence.

@John cycling , good on you for speaking up. I'm sure the people leading the group meant well, they just didn't know how to guide, and let group members take the reigns and steer toward the common needs.

 

[Widow of Vietnam Vet]

As a widow myself,I know how difficult it can be to find others who understand our grief , because only other widows/widowers know what it is really like. But I was urged to join a local group, ( 30 miles from me is "local" where I live) with very few members, who, as the widow who asked me to join, said ,they did a lot of crying. I had a daily volunteer job as well as was finishing my degree, and could not handle joining the group, or anything else except for church, medical appointments, and the maintenance a home needs to have. And I certainly did not feel a lot of crying was helpful to do.

Alizerine- this sounds like what a good widow's group should be doing! I have three good widowed friends and we talk about our losses but still most of the time we are very upbeat and discuss other things.
Just knowing we are all bereaved women, gives our friendships a common ground and we are all doing well with our situation. Like they say- we have to accept what we cannot change.

 

[fuzzybuddy]

When in nursing school, I had to attend an AA meeting. There was no moderator. Sitting next to a business type guy, who drunkenly ran over a kid, is something you don't forget. When I came to the conclusion my ex was a gambling addict, I attended Gamblers Anon. for families. You're not going to get that kind of real information out of a book, or from a moderator. You're getting it from people, who actually dealt with your problem. They told me exactly what was going to happen, and things unfolded just like they said.
If you're not happy with your group, I'd try another one. These groups can be very effective.

 

[bingo]

i lost my husband very recently.. we were together for 33 years..
we had only one week after the diagnosis...
although i am totally devestated..i found that continuing to talk about it...makes it worse...
i saw some online support groups...i chose not to stay...
i wish you strength and peace

 

[Jules]

You're not going to get that kind of real information out of a book, or from a moderator. You're getting it from people, who actually dealt with your problem. They told me exactly what was going to happen, and things unfolded just like they said.

There’s nothing like talking with others for honest info.

John, has the lady who is running the group even experienced loss?

 

[John cycling]

Thank you very much everyone for your comments and support.

John, would you consider starting your own group ? Probably others at the one you mention are as dissatisfied as you are and would welcome a change

Maybe. One of the members said when her husband passed she attended a grief support group run by the hospital staff, who just sat there and weren't doing anything. No one was talking at all. So she took over the group and got the other people to participate. I said good for you, and asked how long she kept running the meeting. She said just once and she never went back. Regarding this one, I could do it, she could do it, and I think there's another woman who'd be able to do it as well.

There’s nothing like talking with others for honest info.
John, has the lady who is running the group even experienced loss?

She hasn't mentioned the loss of anyone so apparently not. She told me she works for a company 35 miles north of here, and drives here for the meetings. Thus the senior center probably pays them for doing it and they might have some type of ongoing agreement.

 

[Jules]

Thus the senior center probably pays them for doing it and they might have some type of ongoing agreement.

Maybe you could chat with them and gently suggest that the setup right now isn’t working. A self-run group could work better.

 

[Colleen]

Shortly after I lost my husband, I joined a widow's group. This did not replace therapy or grief counseling but was an important part of my life. We went to lunch at a different moderately-priced restaurant each month and sometimes toured a point of interest. Conversation might or might not include talk of our husbands. It was a comfort to be out and about with others who had experienced similar life-changing losses. I cherish those days.

It's only been 6 weeks for me but it feels like it was a long time ago. Lately, I have had a difficult time remembering him being in this house with me. Does this sound crazy?

I've been told I should go to a support group. Maybe I should give it a try but knowing myself, I don't think this would be a comfort to me. I've always been a loner and sitting and talking about things that can't be changed would be too depressing.

Your group would be something I'd be interested in if I could find one. I joined a FB group for widows but it was so depressing, I had to quit. It seemed like most of the women were "stuck" and didn't move on with their lives. A lot of them had been widowed for years.

 

[OldFeller]

It's only been 6 weeks for me but it feels like it was a long time ago. Lately, I have had a difficult time remembering him being in this house with me. Does this sound crazy?

I've been told I should go to a support group. Maybe I should give it a try but knowing myself, I don't think this would be a comfort to me. I've always been a loner and sitting and talking about things that can't be changed would be too depressing.

Your group would be something I'd be interested in if I could find one. I joined a FB group for widows but it was so depressing, I had to quit. It seemed like most of the women were "stuck" and didn't move on with their lives. A lot of them had been widowed for years.

When I lost my wife, the support group people were the only one's who understood what I was going through. I didn't want to talk to other people because they offered words intended to be consoling but they were empty.

It's helpful to realize that you're not alone going through this loss. When you sit and you hear someone put into words exactly what you're feeling, it's so helpful.

Not being able to remember your spouse being in the house is your mind's way of trying to come to terms with the incredibly uncomfortable feelings you have. That's a normal thing.

I've been widowed for 13 years and for a long while, I completely lost touch with memories of my wife. I've recently found some pictures that are helping me to reconnect to those wonderful times when we were first married.

 

[Colleen]

When I lost my wife, the support group people were the only one's who understood what I was going through. I didn't want to talk to other people because they offered words intended to be consoling but they were empty.

It's helpful to realize that you're not alone going through this loss. When you sit and you hear someone put into words exactly what you're feeling, it's so helpful.

Not being able to remember your spouse being in the house is your mind's way of trying to come to terms with the incredibly uncomfortable feelings you have. That's a normal thing.

I've been widowed for 13 years and for a long while, I completely lost touch with memories of my wife. I've recently found some pictures that are helping me to reconnect to those wonderful times when we were first married.

Thank you so much

 

[hearlady]

It's only been 6 weeks for me but it feels like it was a long time ago. Lately, I have had a difficult time remembering him being in this house with me. Does this sound crazy?

I've been told I should go to a support group. Maybe I should give it a try but knowing myself, I don't think this would be a comfort to me. I've always been a loner and sitting and talking about things that can't be changed would be too depressing.

Your group would be something I'd be interested in if I could find one. I joined a FB group for widows but it was so depressing, I had to quit. It seemed like most of the women were "stuck" and didn't move on with their lives. A lot of them had been widowed for years.

You'll get through this, Colleen. You seem to be taking the right steps.

 

[Widow of Vietnam Vet]

I went through the same thing- it seemed unreal, at some point, that my husband lived here with me for years.
I did get used to being alone and I am not a socializer either.

But I belong to a great church, with many seniors and I also belong to a library group that is mainly seniors. nd we have a coffee klatch once a week and they are all interesting people, well in touch with the news, and current events.

Years ago a man in a local village, a few years older than me , a widower, who I hardly knew ,would ask me to come to a senior luncheon they had in a village about 20 miles away- I was still doing a volunteer job ever day and he last time he asked I said Yes maybe I will go to the luncheon. He then said 'Good, call me up and then you can pick me up to take me with you.'

That meant I would have a 60 mile round trip to get there and back ,so I didn't go.

He had stopped over at my home a few times, very unexpected visits, so I knew he could handle driving to the senior luncheon himself, but I was too busy to really have time to sit and talk to him, and then he told his daughter he had been seeing a nice widowed woman who lived on my road- but I told her I had no idea who it could be.....but then I found out he meant me - I wasn't 'seeing him' at all.

He never came back however because he tried to kiss me when he left here the last time, -and I recoiled in shock!

One of my closest friends, a man, lives up the road and was mowing my lawn when this happened. It seemed to me that he waited until my friend turned the mower around to cut near the deck we were on, and would have seen him actually kiss me, if I had not averted that. I think he was jealous of my friend.

I dont know why some men ( and surely women too), read into casual relationships , stuff that is not based on reality.

 

[Colleen]

I went through the same thing- it seemed unreal, at some point, that my husband lived here with me for years.
I did get used to being alone and I am not a socializer either.

But I belong to a great church, with many seniors and I also belong to a library group that is mainly seniors. nd we have a coffee klatch once a week and they are all interesting people, well in touch with the news, and current events.

Years ago a man in a local village, a few years older than me , a widower, who I hardly knew ,would ask me to come to a senior luncheon they had in a village about 20 miles away- I was still doing a volunteer job ever day and he last time he asked I said Yes maybe I will go to the luncheon. He then said 'Good, call me up and then you can pick me up to take me with you.'

That meant I would have a 60 mile round trip to get there and back ,so I didn't go.

He had stopped over at my home a few times, very unexpected visits, so I knew he could handle driving to the senior luncheon himself, but I was too busy to really have time to sit and talk to him, and then he told his daughter he had been seeing a nice widowed woman who lived on my road- but I told her I had no idea who it could be.....but then I found out he meant me - I wasn't 'seeing him' at all.

He never came back however because he tried to kiss me when he left here the last time, -and I recoiled in shock!

One of my closest friends, a man, lives up the road and was mowing my lawn when this happened. It seemed to me that he waited until my friend turned the mower around to cut near the deck we were on, and would have seen him actually kiss me, if I had not averted that. I think he was jealous of my friend.

I dont know why some men ( and surely women too), read into casual relationships , stuff that is not based on reality.

It sounds like he was lonely but didn't have the finesse to take his time to get to know you as a friend so he just assumed because you were alone, that meant he should pursue you. I would have rejected him, too. Too aggressive.