I wish I could give better advice

Sassycakes

Sassycakes

SF VIP
Location
Pennsylvania
My friend called me last night and she was very upset. We have been friends since we were in 1st grade. We were in each others weddings and have had wonderful times together. She called me because she was very depressed. She told me that over 40 yrs ago when she and her husband were married 10yrs she found out he was having an affair. They worked their way through it and are still married. She had never mentioned to me what had happened. She told me now because she is in a very depressed state of mind. She said that she can't get it out of her mind,and that she dwells on it all day. She cries if she hears a song, she cries if she sees someone kissing on tv. and is feeling like the only reason her husband stayed with her was because of the children. I tried to help and said he wouldn't have stayed just for the children and that their marriage has been wonderful in all ways. I advised her to get some professional help . That maybe a professional could be a great help in making her understand why she is having all these feelings. I am very worried about her. I thought of calling her husband or children but I would never want them to know that she opened up to me about her husbands affair, and I especially would not want to tell her children about their Dad. Could anyone tell me what else I can do to help her.
 

I think you already gave your friend excellent advice. You are right, she is depressed and needs to look at why professionally, perhaps even with some medication, if necessary. Something is on her mind that triggered these feelings after decades and she needs more help than a friend can give. However, I'm sure you are there for a sounding board. I think you did the right thing. IMO
 
personally I think you've done exactly the right thing Sassy.... She sounds like she's clinically depressed, and she needs some professional help, but only she an decide whether to do that. In the meantime, just being a good friend to her and listening, is a good star, but you're absolutely right not to share this with her husband or children.
 

I agree with the Holly and Pepper.

I wonder though what set her off after so many years?

Just keep doing what you’ve e been doing...being there for her when she needs you.

Very smart not to mention to her husband or children but I’d keep a closer eye on her if she’s that depressed.
 
Thank you both so much. I can't believe what happened to her. We have all spent a lot of time together and her husband always seemed to adore her. I know if I tell my Husband he would be shocked. He always enjoyed being in their company. I feel like I should keep it private just between me and my friend. I never kept anything from my husband but I think in this case I should.
 
Yes, keep it to yourself. If you want her to open up to you again and feel free to talk to you again about anything, don't let anyone else know about it. But, be there for her when she needs to talk.
 
You did well, Sassy.

I see sometimes as people age and become more aware of it, they begin to mourn wasted time, mistakes and unfortunate happenings and losses. I do agree a visit with a professional would help her.
 
I assume the children are adults now - do I understand right that they have been married 50 years & she is elderly? Does she or the the children live in the same city as you? If you are at all close to the offspring, might consider calling the one you're most comfortable with & letting them know she called & you were concerned about how she sounded, without going into gory details. And give her a call back in a few days just to touch base. That call sure sounds like the proverbial "cry for help".
And I think you would be doing a disservice to your husband not to let him know you're concerned about friend due to a long term problem she has on her mind. He must surely be aware that you & she have been very close.
I agree with the suggestion she get counseling, but I feel she would need more encouragement than one phone call to actually try to find some. Bless you for caring about her.
 
You did good Sassy, I'm glad you're there for her to talk to in confidence, that means so much. I guess I would have told her to look at the big picture, we are all human and we all make mistakes. It's so much better to cherish our moments in the present, rather than dwell on the past. What was or could have been means little, and so many people waste their lives reliving past memories instead of letting them go.

She needs to get out of her slump, it's not good for her or her husband, because her mood affects everyone around her. He sounds like a good guy, she's overthinking this and thinking of the worst, she needs to stop it for her own good. I'd give her a 'tough love' talk, and make her realize that the past is just that, the past. That her husband has been good to her otherwise, and he deserves for her to be fully engaged with him and enjoy their loving relationship together. He deserves to be forgiven completely, and leave the past in the past.

I don't think she needs professional help, she just needs someone like you to wake her up, snap her out of it and stop feeling sorry for herself. At this time in our lives, we should really embrace each other and make the best of our relationships, nobody knows when one of them may be gone....such a waste to not enjoy today by giving your happiness away to an old, regretful memory. Life is a series of mistakes and lessons learned, she should live for today, love herself and her hubby, and be happy....they both deserve it.

By the way, it's good that you don't mention this to your husband. If things get better with her, maybe let him know what you talked about in the future....now is not the ideal time, IMO.
 
Geezerette said:
I assume the children are adults now - do I understand right that they have been married 50 years & she is elderly? Does she or the the children live in the same city as you? If you are at all close to the offspring, might consider calling the one you're most comfortable with & letting them know she called & you were concerned about how she sounded, without going into gory details. And give her a call back in a few days just to touch base. That call sure sounds like the proverbial "cry for help".
And I think you would be doing a disservice to your husband not to let him know you're concerned about friend due to a long term problem she has on her mind. He must surely be aware that you & she have been very close.
I agree with the suggestion she get counseling, but I feel she would need more encouragement than one phone call to actually try to find some. Bless you for caring about her.
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She has 2 children but they don't live close to her. I don't want to tell my husband because he has always gotten along great with her husband and I worry that he might feel differently about him hurting his wife who my husband really respects.
 
Sassy, you are a great friend to listen to her fears and loss of trust. Of course we all think counseling would help but unfortunately both husband and wife need to participate if her marriage is to survive her misgivings. When someone breaks that trust in marriage it is so hard to get over... you always wonder no matter what the other tells you if it's the truth or not. As in all life changing moments it is important to learn how to move forward... not easy for anyone. It's her story to share so keep it to yourself, I'm sure your husband wouldn't fault you for that.
 

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