I wish I could tell you I was doing better.

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
IMG_1140.jpegThank you all for your continued love, prayers, words of condolence. I appreciate you all so much.

Dealing with this impossible new reality is exhausting and debilitating. If you’ve sent a message or kind word and I haven’t responded, it has nothing to do with you personally, and everything to do with my emotional and mental capabilities in the moment.

In my life outside the forum, I have had so many invitations, but I can’t yet fathom going to lunch or meeting for coffee or gathering with anyone or doing anything social, unless it’s in a setting where I don’t know anyone and they don’t know my history, like Grayson’s work Christmas party which I mentioned in another post. I find comfort in being nameless, anonymous.

I’m struggling with this loss and grief. It’s unimaginable, incomprehensible, and I’m battling it every minute of every day, and in the dark nighttime, nightmare hours before morning, and my energy is entirely consumed just getting through. I’m at maximum capacity managing work commitments, doing the bare essentials in my home, taking care of my dogs. Most everything else is beyond me at the moment.

I’ve learned that one doesn’t “recover” from this level of loss and grief. One learns, over time, to manage it better, but there is a chasm of pain and loss, a gaping hole in my center, that nothing can possibly fill. I’ll continue to put one foot in front of the other every day, because the alternative is to slip permanently into that alternate reality where Devin is still alive, laughing and joking and being his usual goofy Mama’s boy self, where the pain and anguish and the intolerable torture of Devin’s death simply doesn’t exist, because having it be real is almost more than I can bear.

I still haven’t figured out how to survive this. I’m working on it.
 

Ronni said:
I’ve learned that one doesn’t “recover” from this level of loss and grief. One learns, over time, to manage it better, but there is a chasm of pain and loss, a gaping hole in my center, that nothing can possibly fill. I’ll continue to put one foot in front of the other every day, because the alternative is to slip permanently into that alternate reality where Devin is still alive, laughing and joking and being his usual goofy Mama’s boy self, where the pain and anguish and the intolerable torture of Devin’s death simply doesn’t exist, because having it be real is almost more than I can bear.

I still haven’t figured out how to survive this. I’m working on it.
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For you Ronni, I think that you can guess the sentiment.One Day At a Time
 
And you WILL survive this!
When my Pastor's daughter died ,in her late 40s, due to brain cancer, he told me he wondered , and even asked God, what horrible sins he had committed that would make God punish him and his wife like that, by taking her away so young.
But by then, a few months after she died, he also realized that God was NOT punishing him and his family at all.
I told him I had the same thoughts when my Army husband died so young, and then my Marine husband died young too.

You are working on survival and that is VERY GOOD to know. And it does take time. The loss of a child is by far the worse loss anyone can have, no matter how old the 'child is', and I wish you the very best in dealing with this painful tragedy.
 

You are bound to get tired of people telling you you are strong, Ronni...I know.... but my dear friend, you will recover from this. You'll never lose sight of the loss of your dear son.. your mind will become your enemy as you fight the demons.. but sweet lady you will come to terms with this eventually as time goes on..
...and you'll battle and win against those mental demons.. one day you will realise that you've not shed a tear..that day.. just that day... and you will be on your way to becoming whole again..never to forget, but to live your life again for your other children, for Ron and most importantly for you.

Those of us who have lost children.. know... and we'll always be there for you whenever you need us.. 🥰
 
Dear sweet lady....I lost my husband suddenly in October so I'm dealing with loss also, but I'm sure it's nothing compared to what you're experiencing. I can't imagine. I pray for you every night. I know how the "movie" keeps repeating itself in the nighttime and sleep is elusive.

You have friends here that love you and you can come here any time. God Bless you and give you comfort.
 
Everyone is here, Ronni.

I was playing some music last night, and one of the songs really brought you to mind.


First you fall then you fly
And you believe that you belong up in the sky
Flap your arms as you run, every revolution
Brings you closer to the sun
You fall asleep in motion in uncharted hemispheres
And wake up with the stars falling down around your ears
When they hit the ground they're nothing but stones
That's how you learn to live alone

Bit by bit, you slip away
You lose yourself in pieces in the things that you don't say
You're not here, but you're still there
The sun goes up, the sun goes down
And you're not sure you care
You live inside the false, till you don't recognize the true
People send you pictures, and you can't believe it's you
It's been years since your house has felt like home
That's how you learn to live alone

It don't feel right, but it's not wrong
It's just hard to start again this far along
Brick by brick, the letting go
As you walk away from everything you know
You release resistance, lean into the wind
Till the roof begins to crumble and the rain comes pouring in
And you sit there in the rubble, till the rubble feels like home
That's how you learn to live alone
 
I have been on this journey with 2 close friends and all I can say is that time truly does help. The pain lessened but never goes away entirely. Both said that the only thing that kept them going was that they had other children to live for. Sending hugs 🤗.
 
Ronni, nobody here expects you to be the life and
soul of the party, we know that you are suffering
and all we can do is watch and wait, but if you do
want chat, just send a message.

I have tried to think how anybody can help and I
haven't a clue, words don't help and time is the
only thing that you have, don't take to booze,
that will only give you a sore head, I, for one, hope
that you begin to feel better, soon, though I have
no experience of your position, or how to fix it.

Stay strong and keep mixing with your family,
they, too are going through the same journey
and they will understand how you feel.

Prayers are all that we can offer at the moment.

Mike.
 
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@Ronni
Words cannot express how much I feel for you. I can only imagine the huge loss you are feeling. All I can do, is, send words of consolation which I know are just not enough to comfort you. Time .. it will take time. Meanwhile, know that there are people here who are thinking of you, and care about you and your family.
 
Ronni said:
View attachment 322000Thank you all for your continued love, prayers, words of condolence. I appreciate you all so much.

Dealing with this impossible new reality is exhausting and debilitating. If you’ve sent a message or kind word and I haven’t responded, it has nothing to do with you personally, and everything to do with my emotional and mental capabilities in the moment.

In my life outside the forum, I have had so many invitations, but I can’t yet fathom going to lunch or meeting for coffee or gathering with anyone or doing anything social, unless it’s in a setting where I don’t know anyone and they don’t know my history, like Grayson’s work Christmas party which I mentioned in another post. I find comfort in being nameless, anonymous.

I’m struggling with this loss and grief. It’s unimaginable, incomprehensible, and I’m battling it every minute of every day, and in the dark nighttime, nightmare hours before morning, and my energy is entirely consumed just getting through. I’m at maximum capacity managing work commitments, doing the bare essentials in my home, taking care of my dogs. Most everything else is beyond me at the moment.

I’ve learned that one doesn’t “recover” from this level of loss and grief. One learns, over time, to manage it better, but there is a chasm of pain and loss, a gaping hole in my center, that nothing can possibly fill. I’ll continue to put one foot in front of the other every day, because the alternative is to slip permanently into that alternate reality where Devin is still alive, laughing and joking and being his usual goofy Mama’s boy self, where the pain and anguish and the intolerable torture of Devin’s death simply doesn’t exist, because having it be real is almost more than I can bear.

I still haven’t figured out how to survive this. I’m working on it.
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I hear you, dear Ronni. I am also still working on it. Always here for you, should you need it. ❤️
 
May God richly bless you in your struggle to recover from your loss. May His peace surround you and help you know you did everything you could to help your son. Focus on the Family says it's mostly impossible to change ones mind who has decided to take their life.

If you need to talk to someone about your loss, Focus on the Family offers a one-time complimentary counseling consultation from a Christian perspective. Reach a counselor at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

You can also call Focus on the Family...1-800-232-6459
You can write them...help@focusonthefamily.com
They are located...8605 Explorer Drive Colorado Springs CO 80920-1051

I hope this helps. I really care and will continue to pray.
 
I've been there too and have been living with it many years. One foot in front of the other One Day at a Time, One Heartbeat at a Time. In a way it never gets better but it gets more bearable with time and you will know some joy again in time. You will survive this. Many hugs to you. ❤️
 
Thank you so much for keeping us updated on how you are doing Ronni. I know it can't possibly seem like it now, but things will get better. And that will happen on your time..not anyone else's. I don't know what else I can do for you except continue to pray that God will comfort you and your family and grant you peace. You know we will continue to be here for you.
 

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