Insight into long term "pen pal"...

M

Mstree

New Member
...or should I say "email pal". We became acquainted on an old bulletin board platform and started corresponding about 25 years ago. We have never met (fear of flying), nor have we ever spoken on the phone. We both led busy lives, but continue to enjoy our correspondence.

Recently I had a small dilemma, and since I knew she'd been through a similar situation, I asked if she would be available for a phone call. The next day she said she was tired and wasn't up to a phone conversation. Not one to push, I simply dropped the subject. We continue to correspond, but the phone subject has not been brought up, nor do I intend to bring it up. It's not the end of the world, but I'm just wondering why she wouldn't want to speak on the phone.

Has anyone had a similar experience? Any insight is appreciated.
 

I have experience with "over the decades" pen palling, but not with your specific issue. Bottom line is that while many years ago, I had phone conversations with pen pals at the time, I would *not* agree to it now, or enjoy it.

For one thing, not everyone can hear very well over the phone. (Me) Second, not everyone enjoys phone conversations (Me again.) Many people like to make sure they're saying what they want to say and can go back over it before sending in email or text... can't do that in live time. Some people lisp or stutter and don't like live conversations. Some people are mindful of an accent they may have. There are so many reasons, and there's really not a cause for a phone call when there's email, social media, and texting.

I hope you get this worked out with her, but I would 100% refuse a phone conversation, too... I'd say "text me." 🤷‍♀️
 
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Well, perhaps she really wasn't up to a Phone call. If it only happened once why would you be suspicious ?
 

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I am not a phone person myself, so I can relate to that. I have an attorney friend who is a real "Chatty Cathy" and I try getting away with just texting her when I want to tell her something. Not gonna happen. She's on that phone faster than a speeding bullet and never stops talking. She's a litigator, so she is accustomed to having the upper hand in a courtroom.
 
I had a decade long email friend in OZ. She was candid about her daughter, who was having multiple affairs. My friend lived in her daughter's home with her daughter's husband and their child. We exchanged gifts- mostly souvenirs of OZ, or the Poconos. I got her a Pocono sweater, which she never wore. She seemed to avoid any evidence that we were having an email relationship????
Her illness increased, she was on dialysis. It was then that it dawned on me that I was her safety valve. She could say whatever was on her mind, and be utterly truthful in a way she couldn't do in her situation. I found out people have motives that only apply to them.
 
Maybe I'm just naïve or really weird.

You'd probably never believe it, but I've always been painfully shy. That became a problem when I was placed on a law enforcement task force, later made a supervisor, then got pushed into management, and then became a delegate to interstate and international conferences. I was even an appointee to a State Legislator's staff for a time.

You just push through it. My downfall was an emotionally painful divorce that sidelined my career.

I've had recent frequent phone calls going on for literally hours with someone I have never met. I've been to group events and one-on-meetings with people I met in online chat.

So as I said maybe I'm weird. It is hard for me to understand high paranoia about this. Obviously you need to be cautious, but fearful?

You can be scammed just by making a department store purchase in person. You can be carjacked on the way home.
 
JBR said:
Odd as it might seem, perhaps, my wife wouldn't be comfortable with me having any off-internet contact with people I've met & communicated with in the online-forum world. That includes phone communication. I honor her feelings and keep internet friendships strictly online.
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I get that.

There was a time when I didn't understand it at all. The more I look into differences between male and female approaches to relationships though... I'm beginning to get a clue.
 
dilettante said:
So as I said maybe I'm weird. It is hard for me to understand high paranoia about this. Obviously you need to be cautious, but fearful?
You can be scammed just by making a department store purchase in person. You can be carjacked on the way home.
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But this thread isn't about paranoia or scamming... it's about why someone wouldn't enjoy phone calls. Many years ago before I married, I also did some of the things you mentioned, especially the hours long phone calls with strangers. It always.... *always* ended in intense hurt, so caution (and yeah, maybe a little paranoia) is called for.
 
CallMeKate said:
But this thread isn't about paranoia or scamming... it's about why someone wouldn't enjoy phone calls. Many years ago before I married, I also did some of the things you mentioned, especially the hours long phone calls with strangers. It always.... *always* ended in intense hurt, so caution (and yeah, maybe a little paranoia) is called for.
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Fair points. Thank you.
 
Any answer to your question would be little more than a guess. My suggestion is to drop thinking about it. All that thought is just echoes without any clarification. After 25 years of correspondence certainly you've developed a healthy respect for one another; for each others' differences. My suggestion is that you chalk it all up to that. One more difference between you. Carry on.
 
Thank you all for your replies. Especially CallMeKate, who understood that I was simply puzzled, and not paranoid at all...which is why I would never ask or bring up the subject again. Years ago she told me she was very shy as a child, so as many have said, she's probably just uncomfortable talking on the phone.

BTW, as an aside, I'm probably the last dinosaur on Earth who doesn't own a cell phone, so texting would be out. I'm still tethered to a landline and desktop and have no plans to get one.
 
Mstree said:
Thank you all for your replies. Especially CallMeKate, who understood that I was simply puzzled, and not paranoid at all...which is why I would never ask or bring up the subject again. Years ago she told me she was very shy as a child, so as many have said, she's probably just uncomfortable talking on the phone.

BTW, as an aside, I'm probably the last dinosaur on Earth who doesn't own a cell phone, so texting would be out. I'm still tethered to a landline and desktop and have no plans to get one.
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No cell here either. No service, so it would be useless.
 
I have a very close friend that I met on a Tinnitus forum, around 1999. We have been sending one another things, and emailing for a very long time. She prefers not to talk on the phone, due to her tinnitus. We've been supportive of one another .. divorce, relationships, etc. It works for us.
 
I hate talking on the phone, chalk it up to being on the phone for over 50 years at work. And I tell my family and friends that I hate talking on the phone. They understand as they never on the phone either. But I phone on Christmas and birthdays.

I had cancer last year and I just had come home from the hospital. My friend called me when I was still not well. I took the phone call and told her I could not talk at the time. She said she would phone me the next day and I said, thank you for calling really, but I will call you. I personally would not phone any friend (unless they were alone and needed me to) who just got home from the hospital.
 
Good to know I'm not the only one living without a smart phone and surviving 😄

Technology can be a handy tool at times, but can also be a bit too much (for me). And even though I don't mind having a phone conversation, I can also appreciate shutting off the ringer on my landline for a little peace & quiet.
 

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