Is it a good idea for my son and I to move in with my cousin?

WheatenLover

WheatenLover

Well-known Member
Location
Georgia
I'd like to get some opinions on this, as I've probably not thought of everything.

My cousin lives alone in a tiny town in Massachusetts, about 1.5 hours from Boston. He is confined to a wheelchair because he has multiple sclerosis. He is a widower, and we are the same age. Both of our mothers, through whom we are related, were German immigrants to the US. He is a good guy - former fire chief, president of school board, former teacher. He is one of my most admired people because of how he is handling the adverse events in his life.

I suspect he is very lonely, and I feel very sad about that.

He said that my dog and my adult son (who lives with me) are both welcome. My son thinks this is a great plan. Cousin said his maid will come right before we arrive, so that I (voluntarily) can keep the house clean. That is no problem, and my son will help. My cousin needs some help, and my son is willing to do that if he is not at work. College tuition is a lot cheaper in Mass than in PA, so my son can go to school there.

We are familiar with the town my cousin lives in, since I lived in Mass for 20 years.

My cousin has a huge barn filled with antiques from his deceased wife's shop. He wants my son to sell them all, and he will pay my son a 30% commission for doing so.

My cousin has two Australian Shepherds and a fenced area for the dogs to go out, so that will thrill my dog, Aidan.

He has a 2-story house, and bedrooms and a bathroom are on the second floor -- he can't go up there.

We would take my cousin to run errands - his truck is outfitted for his wheelchair. I will do the cooking. We will take our cousin out to eat, or anywhere he wants to go.

My son will help my cousin when his aides don't show up. The only thing is that I will not help him with anything that requires strength (don't have any to speak of yet), and or anything that requires seeing him undressed. I just can't do that. Or won't. I guess if it were an emergency, I'd have to.

My cousin will not charge us rent. He's just thrilled that we may move there -- he's been suggesting that for months.

I am worried about what happens to us if he dies. His daughter refuses to have contact with him, and she is inheriting the house. My son says we can save money simply because we won't have to pay rent, and that we will just move.

Mass has good social services, so I am not worried about the quality of medical care or about getting insurance.

The big drawback is that this will leave my husband all alone, with no friends. He doesn't like people except those in our immediate family, and he despises my cousin. I don't see my husband very much (we are separated), but we talk on the phone.

What do you think?
 

Jace said:
Wow! Sounds like a plan👍..and what you've said sounds mostly positive.
But...Do you think you should have "something" in writing...just in case..
and to "cover" some of the points you, yourself are questioning ...have doubts about. JMHO
Good Luck!
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No, something in writing would be nice, but would be very insulting. In our side of the family, our word is our bond.
 

Have you ever lived with the cousin before? Maybe a test of a couple of weeks staying there, make sure it is a good fit for everyone, even the dog.

You would also have to discuss how to handle an emergency. If he were to become ill, would you be able to make medical desicions for him? How are his bills set up to be paid? Are they set up to be automatically be paid? I have mine done that way. If I get hurt or sick, everything is taken care of. If not would he allow you access to his finances during that type of situation?

My husband was set up on her account so he could write checks if needed. He would also pay her bills if she was traveling or staying with other family for any length of time.
 
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Wow, I find it hard to believe that college tuition is cheaper in Mass. than in Pa. Considering the excellent colleges all over New England, none are cheap that I can think of. One of my best friend's son went to college in Bloomsburg, PA and it was not cheap, but not uber expensive either. Checking between the 2 states though, you are right Wheaten, they are a tad less expensive depending on the type of school.
 
WheatenLover said:
No, something in writing would be nice, but would be very insulting. In our side of the family, our word is our bond.
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Nice that your word is your bond. Better though to get anything in writing that you would want.

Like once you are used to living rent free and you don't inherit the property being kicked out in your later years because his daughter wants the proceeds of a sale might not be in your best interest.

You & your son are in effect care givers. Emotionally & at times physically, your cousin should recognize that above the companionship you will be providing.

While it might sound greedy now, getting something in writing now to assure your well being in your later years would be wise.
 
It may be a perfect plan.

Just be sure to realize you will be doing all the cooking, cleaning, care and feeding of not one but three dogs; grocery shopping and laundry. Not to mention chauffeur duties.

Your son will be working and going to school, doing his own laundry and homework. He may not be available for much more than picking up dog poop and taking out the trash.

I wish you the best of luck.
 
WheatenLover said:
College tuition is a lot cheaper in Mass than in PA, so my son can go to school there.
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You need to check with potential colleges to determine what will qualify your son as a resident of Massachusetts. Simply moving there is not sufficient. I had looked into that from one of my daughters who went to U Mass Amherst. My brother-in-law lives in Massachusetts, but simply claiming that for my daughter as her address would not have been sufficient for her to qualify for in-state tuition, since she had not been living there in prior years, including not going to high school there. We paid out-of-state tuition, but still fairly reasonable, and she got a high-quality education.
 
Money well spent may be for you to have a consult with a Family Law Attorney. All well and good that your cousin wants you there, BUT, his daughter may be problematic down the road. You do not need to inform your cousin that you are seeking counsel either.

If the daughter gets a bug up her keester and decides that you are trying to undermine her inheritance, she could, COULD mind you, make bogus accusations against you and your son. From there it might get ugly...and costly.

Forewarned, is forearmed. Don't take anything for granted. Capiche?

U.V.
 
Knight said:
Nice that your word is your bond. Better though to get anything in writing that you would want.

Like once you are used to living rent free and you don't inherit the property being kicked out in your later years because his daughter wants the proceeds of a sale might not be in your best interest.

You & your son are in effect care givers. Emotionally & at times physically, your cousin should recognize that above the companionship you will be providing.

While it might sound greedy now, getting something in writing now to assure your well being in your later years would be wise.
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The plan is to save our money, and to live relatively frugally. We will pay our share of utility costs, food, etc. I will do the housekeeping and cooking. My cousin does recognize the companionship is invaluable to him -- he is very excited about this plan. My son will do a lot of stuff, too. My cousin used to be maximally active and he has projects he can't do -- or can't do alone. The big barn, once emptied of antiques, will be full of his trains and tracks. Someone has to build the set, and it will mostly be my son.

I asked my cousin if he wanted anything at all in writing, and he said no, "our word is our bond".

I don't want to inherit anything from him. But the saved money will do a lot toward my son and I being able to move elsewhere.
 
I can see the positives to this as there are many. However, I'm concerned about the future. Since aging is inevitable, will you be okay going up and down the stairs? You mentioned the bedrooms and a bathroom are on the second level. Also, will your son want to move out once he finishes college? And what happens if your cousin's health declines and he needs more one-on-one help? Will that be provided by his insurance or social services? Or will that fall to you and your son to do?

I'm not trying to be negative so I hope I am not offending you. As to your husband, you mentioned that you and he talk on the phone so you don't need to live nearby him, do you?

I don't know the residency laws now as they pertain to college in MA but my daughter went to UMass Amherst years ago. We weren't residents of MA at the time so we had two options back then. Pay out-of-state tuition which was quite high OR she could sit out a year, work and live full-time in MA, prove that she provided 51% or more financial support for herself and then she could qualify for in-state tuition. That's what she did and it worked out well.
 
WheatenLover said:
My cousin's daughter is not speaking to any blood relatives or those married to them.
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Do you know the reason for the daughter not speaking to family?
Does she speak to you? Your son?
Is she aware of the possibility of you moving in with your cousin?
Does she live close to her father?
Does she have a good relationship with him?

In addition to all the good advice you received above, I think you might want to have these questions answered for yourself and your son.
 
spectratg said:
You need to check with potential colleges to determine what will qualify your son as a resident of Massachusetts. Simply moving there is not sufficient. I had looked into that from one of my daughters who went to U Mass Amherst. My brother-in-law lives in Massachusetts, but simply claiming that for my daughter as her address would not have been sufficient for her to qualify for in-state tuition, since she had not been living there in prior years, including not going to high school there. We paid out-of-state tuition, but still fairly reasonable, and she got a high-quality education.
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We will definitely check on that. It looks like with driver's license, voter registration, payment of income taxes, a regular job, and continuously living in Mass for a year will do it. In addition, my kids were all born in Boston and I am a retired member of the Bar. So hopefully this will be enough. We need some kind of lease or caregiver agreement with my cousin, is the only other thing that may be required.

My son plans to live and work in Mass for a year before he begins attending college.
 
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I do not know what Medicare might cover for caregiver or in home care. I did not look into when my Mom lived with me. When she first came to live with me at 85, it was not hard, just the normal stuff. Rather quickly, it became harder. Dementia set in, she would get up during the night and not know where she was. This led to falls, then came she could not bath (I took over all her personal care). Then came the incontinence and diapers. Still it did not bother me. Eventually I had to place her into care because she would remove the diapers and fling you know what around the room. Then go back to sleep and wet the bed. I had a waterproof matress pad on the bed, but I had to change the bed everyday. I had to wash bedding everyday in addition to everything else. Then it got to the point I could not get her in the shower chair and had to do bed bathing.

My point being, just becauase he is funtioning well, it can all go really bad, really fast. You and your son must really research and know the responsiblity you are taking on. Do the trial run so you both really know what he needs and expects. If he gets really sick it may fall to you to place him in care even if he thinks he does not need to it. You must have in place a health directive, a power of attorney if this happens.
 

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