Is it safe to leave our family member alone for a short time or over night?

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denisthethief

New Member
Location
South Western Ontario, Canada
Sorry but just a little pre-occupied about my Aunt whose in her late 80's. Any advice or ideas would be great. And I hope my questions aren't too off.

My Aunt lived on her own until a year ago. Then she was at her home and fell into a stream while gardening (country home) and had a stroke. Since that she was in the hospital, followed by hospital rehab and then for the last 11 months in a nursing home.

Unsurprisingly she wants to move back home. And our family is considering doing just that. We found a caregiver who is going to assess the situation. The concern we have is about how long we can safely leave our Aunt alone. i.e. very minimally, overnight only or if the caregiver only comes 3 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the late afternoon.

My Aunt's mental condition is that she is coherent and capable of conversation but not reliable for making complex decisions. She was using a walker but recently has needed a Wheel Chair. Not sure if she can go back to using a walker, or at least sometimes.

What if the caregiver needs to step out for 1-2 hours, such as to get Medicine or groceries. We're concerned if my Aunt gets up and then falls. Maybe this doesn't sound like a good question but can there be a seatbelt on the wheelchair to keep her stationary? That may not sound like a good idea but then again the alternative is not living in her own home.

What if the Caregiver can not stay over night? My Aunt may not be able to go to the bathroom on her own at night. Is it possible for my Aunt to just stay in her bed in that case and use her briefs? Then the caregiver will change her in the morning. I think that is basically what sometimes happens in the nursing home anyway. Again, that may not sound like a good idea but then again the alternative is not living in her own home.
 

I can't answer to the needs of your aunt because I really don't have a good grip on her condition and her living situation in her home. For example, I am guessing she lives in the countryside or rural area since she fell into a stream. However, if I knew the situation well I wouldn't have to be guessing, would I? Then there's lots of questions like how close distance wise are neighbors and are these close friends to whom she could turn on a moment's notice to for immediate help with a minor emergency. See? It is all too vague for me to recommend anything.

However, there is something I can recommend. The real issue presented here is not your aunt, but about you. What can you live with? But, once again, that is not answerable by anyone but you and your family. The one thing I can say is that everyone involved needs to sit down, face to face, and hammer out just who is responsible for what and what that responsibility entails so that when various situations occur no one is pointing or wagging fingers at one another. Because if you are not clear about things like this before they happen it can really rip a family apart for many years to come.
 
From what you mentioned here, it shows your concern for your aunt, and that is commendable. The questions you asked are good questions. I agree with what @Robb.hisself said about "everyone involved needs to...hammer out just who is responsible for what."

She needs to be assessed as to what she can and cannot do. Does she have a person responsible in making medical decisions for her in case she cannot make them? Does she have any children that could help her? Is it safe to leave her alone? Are there steps to worry about? You might consider contacting the commission of aging in her county to see what resources are out there.

Without knowing a lot, I assume that none of your family lives near your aunt (or someone would be caring for her). I would hesitate to let her stay by herself, especially if she had been so long in rehab/nursing home. Hiring a caregiver is a good idea.
 

It is often the case that people want to go home from care. Considering her age and health, this may not be possible. A caregiver should not be making that decision unless it is a family member that is going to live with her. She also needs to be get a clearance from a doctor, there may be issues that you are not aware of and the doctor can advise.

I speak from experience, my Mother came to live with me for two years after she had a fall. There were things that I was not aware of until I saw things first hand. She was unsteady on her feet. She would forget if she turned on the stove or oven. She had trouble getting in and out of the bath. In just a short amount of time she became totally dependent on me to dress, bath, move safely around the house. Then the dementia came...... she would forget to call me, get up and have a fall. Many broken bones happened. I did have to place her in care because I could not keep up with taking care of her and worst of all admit that I could not keep her safe.
 
I can't answer to the needs of your aunt because I really don't have a good grip on her condition and her living situation in her home. For example, I am guessing she lives in the countryside or rural area since she fell into a stream. ...
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Thankyou Robb.hisself . I'm already starting to think I should have posted here earlier:)

Yes, it's in a rural area. She has neighbours there who are friends and they live very close by. But they have their own lives. They wouldn't be able to arrive for immediate help. But could help with problems on a 'next-day' basis. And certainly would visit her in a social sense and also one neighbour already checks on the house twice a week for issues.

I'm not sure what we could live with. She sees family only once every 2 weeks. Our family is spread out. A 1 to 10 hours drive from both the Nursing Home and her house. There is a certain amount of guilt that she is in a Nursing Home. But that would change to worry and financial challenges if she moves back home.

YES! We do need to sit down and talk together. You couldn't have said that better. Ironically that is supposed to happen this weekend. On the other hand we haven't sat down and talked about the situation since 1 year ago. Why? Partly because we lived so far from each other and partly because of Covid.
 
My dad lived on his own to the age of 95 and was only in a home for a month before his death, but he had a medical alert bracelet. My mom, on the other hand, suffered with dementia and required 24/7 nursing home care due to her constant falls. Maybe a health care professional could assess this and help you with this decision.
 
My mom took care of my grandmother until she couldn't because of her own physical problems. My grandmother had dementia that progressed pretty quickly and for those reasons she ended up in a nursing home facility.

My mother had metastatic breast cancer nearer to the end. I had taken care of her as long as I could and her needs were multiple and I no longer could keep up. She went into a hospice home for the last 3 months of her life.
 
The reality is that your aunt is 80, and physically and mentally impaired. She is not going to improve, and most probably will get worse. Today, it's extremely questionable if she should be left alone. Tomorrow, it may be absolutely impossible to leave her alone. And, unless you have very deep pockets home care will be hard to find. Also, having your aunt as a guest will be mentally draining on you, and that situation will not improve. Tomorrow, all you may remember about your aunt is the drudgery of her care. It's your decision, but it's a decision that's going to upend your life. Tomorrow is only 24 hours away.
 
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She needs to be assessed as to what she can and cannot do. Does she have a person responsible in making medical decisions for her in case she cannot make them? Does she have any children that could help her? Is it safe to leave her alone? Are there steps to worry about? You might consider contacting the commission of aging in her county to see what resources are out there.
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Thankyou palides2021.
Yes, she has a Power of Attorney for Health to make medical decisions. She doesn't have any children. She has 4 siblings. 3 think she should stay at the Nursing Home. 1 is trying his best to facilitate her moving back home. We are certainly questioning if it's safe to leave her at home. There are no steps inside her home.
 
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She also needs to be get a clearance from a doctor, there may be issues that you are not aware of and the doctor can advise.
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Thankyou Blessed.

As far as I know, in Ontario, she doesn't need clearance from a Doctor, unless she's deemed mentally incapable (which isn't the case). Doctors in Ontario are few and tend to spend very short visits with people.

On the other hand, I spoke personally with 2 of the nurses who both said she needs 24-hours care. Though they did say that doesn't necessarily mean that the 24 hours needs to be comprised of only professional care.
 
I would do everything to keep my aged relative independent and happy, while looking after their physical health as well. Is there an agency that can help you to do this? As for leaving them alone? It's your call. Honestly you would have to keep them in sight or earshot 24/7 to protect them from hazards completely and no one can do this unless you hire a home health aid which is a good option. But would that work for you?

Good luck with this. It's such a hard decision.
 
Most cases I have experienced, the elderly patient has been persuaded to go from hospital to a care home for a couple weeks extra rest, then enjoyed it so much they decided to stay

If your aunt was taken home, left to her own devices for however long, and had a fatal, accident during that time, would you ever forgive yourself ?
 
I think if she wants to go home (and isn't having dementia issues), that she should go home. At least for a few month trial period (and since she's in her late 80s and with health declining that may be all the time she has). It is a hard decision but if was my mom I know my mother would have expected her own wishes to be followed.
 
@denisthethief, get your aunt on the Assisted Living Home lists, or whatever they’re called now. You may have no choice but to send her home.

The one sibling who doesn’t want her in care should be volunteering to be her care giver.
 
It is a hard but it is best for well being. She will be safe. Maybe see if the family can set up a schedule so she will have visitors on a regular basis. That will make this a much happier and comfortable place to be.
 

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