It Takes 1 Year For Every 5 Years You Were Married To Recover From Divorce - Agree/Disagree?

CindyLouWho

CindyLouWho

Senior Member
Location
USA
According to DivorceCare, a recovery support group that helps people heal from separation and/or divorce, and many relationship experts; it is estimated that it takes 1 year for every 5 years that you were married to truly heal from a divorce. This statement is meant to hold true whether you were the one to initiate the divorce or not, it does not seem to matter.

Divorce takes you through an emotional process similar to death: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance.

What do you think?

Was this true for you?
 

Timetrvlr said:
Dunno but I've been married 61 years so that would be what--8 years to get over it? I'm 80 now so I'd not likely make it that long.
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Think more like 12.1 years for you timetrvlr, ....but congrats on 61 years married!:)
 

...So it's double-congrats today, Ken....on being married 55 years & on being 10 years retired!
 
CindyLouWho said:
According to DivorceCare, a recovery support group that helps people heal from separation and/or divorce, and many relationship experts; it is estimated that it takes 1 year for every 5 years that you were married to truly heal from a divorce. This statement is meant to hold true whether you were the one to initiate the divorce or not, it does not seem to matter.

Divorce takes you through an emotional process similar to death: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance.

What do you think?

Was this true for you?
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My ex and I were married for 12 years back in the '80's/early '90's. We worked together and became friends then married. We were active member of our church and Youth Group, choir, etc. I thought we would be married forever. I was very much in love with him and I was happy. I took it all for granted. Then one day, I came home from work and found all his things gone...and the car. There was just a letter telling me that he was never happy and had found someone else. I found out that the "someone else" was a young gal in our church! He was at least 15 years older then her. I was devastated! I went to our minister and asked him to counsel/intervene since she was a member of our church. He told me, "I don't want to get involved." The whole church body shunned ME. It was a nightmare. Then she dumped him for someone else and he wanted back with me. I didn't want him back but there were other circumstances involved at the time, so I reluctantly agreed. I lost my trust in him and it took over a year for me to start trusting him again. Then he had a infatuation with a young girl he was working with and left me again. He had high hopes that he could start a relationship with her, but it never happened because it turned out she was gay. I still smile at that one.

Anyway, for 2 years he kept coming around but didn't want to get back together. I was a mess. I weighed 98 pounds soaking wet and couldn't eat. I cried all the time. I was going off the deep end. I didn't have the courage to tell him to stay away. He had broken my heart and he was breaking my spirit.

Then, a past love from 1975 came back into my life very unexpectedly. He basically rescued me. He lived in CA and was visiting family in PA where I lived and I went back to CA with him. I needed that 3000 miles distance to get straightened out. I didn't make it easy on this man. I mistrusted everyone. He was patient with me for a very long time. I started to heal.

Then one day, I got a phone call from my ex. He wanted to cry on my shoulder about his current wife. He said he didn't love her and she was "trailer trash" and he wanted to leave her. He also said he called to ask me to forgive him for cheating on me. I told him he got what he deserved and I wasn't sure I was ready to forgive him. He called me again several months later and told me she was pregnant so he had to stay. I told him I didn't want to hear any more about it and that was the last time I talked to him. That would have been in 1997. The ironic thing is...after she had the baby,she left him and took off with some other younger guy and left him with the baby. He never wanted kids so this was a double karma revenge.

In my case, CindyLouWho....it took at least 7 years to finally feel nothing for him.
 
Colleen said:
....it took at least 7 years to finally feel nothing for him.
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Same here, Colleen. Hardest thing I ever did was to leave my horrible marriage behind and allow no contact at all. I always knew that I'd be out of the darkness at some point, and that happened in its own time. Didn't know what I was made of until I went through the process. And now -- contentment is a wonderful thing!
 
CindyLouWho said:
Divorce takes you through an emotional process similar to death: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance.

What do you think?

Was this true for you?
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Bologna! My wife died thirteen years ago, just after our 42nd anniversary. I miss her just as much today as I did the day she died; I always will.
 
Big Horn said:
Bologna! My wife died thirteen years ago, just after our 42nd anniversary. I miss her just as much today as I did the day she died; I always will.
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First...my condolences. I understand that kind of loss and pain, also. I miss my parents every day. But when you go through the pain of betrayal from someone you loved, it's a different kind of loss. You get through it because you don't have a choice...just like death...but you always have that "why" inside you. You ask yourself why did this happen? Why didn't he love me? What did I do wrong? With divorce, it's a death of a sort, too.
 
Yes, I understand. It's a death in any case at all, when you have to ask, what did I do wrong. Especially when you get no answer.
 
I don’t know. I’ve never been married but I have been with the same man now for almost 30 years.
We have no plans on splitting up and our commitment is solid.
 
My ex was a serial cheater and made me feel ugly and unwanted, so I asked for a divorce after only 4 1/2 years of marriage. A couple of years later he married a beautiful woman 9 years younger than him. He was a serial cheater with her too from the very beginning of their marriage and that's when I realized his cheating on me had nothing to do with me. That's when my self confidence was restored and I stopped being unhappy. She put up with him for 42 years and became obese from being depressed, until she turned 62 and started collecting social security and then divorced him. He got his karma, she left him when he was 69 and old and had planned on having a wife and caretaker in his old age.
 
PVC said:
My ex was a serial cheater and made me feel ugly and unwanted, so I asked for a divorce after only 4 1/2 years of marriage. A couple of years later he married a beautiful woman 9 years younger than him. He was a serial cheater with her too from the very beginning of their marriage and that's when I realized his cheating on me had nothing to do with me. That's when my self confidence was restored and I stopped being unhappy. She put up with him for 42 years and became obese from being depressed, until she turned 62 and started collecting social security and then divorced him. He got his karma, she left him when he was 69 and old and had planned on having a wife and caretaker in his old age.
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Too bad she wasted so many years of her life, but at least she finally kicked him to the curb :) I always believe the old saying...what goes around, comes around.
 
The idea of "1 year for every 5 years" is just an estimate, not a rule, since it's obviously different for each person. I think it's just a guide out there for those who maybe rush into a relationship immediately after divorcing (on the rebound), and unknowingly or not, have not worked through all the emotions a divorce puts you through.

Thanks for those who replied......I think for some it's a matter of getting over that person you were married to, but for others it's more the unexpected shock of starting over, reinventing yourself, after years of doing things the same way and for some, losing friends & family over it.

When you go through the death of a loved one, most likely you have the support of family and/or friends, have time off to grieve, but when you go through a divorce your are supposed to just keep on going like nothing happened, work...etc....and for some reason, lose the support of people around you.

Like JFBev said, you don't know what you are made of until you have to go through the divorce process. No one gets married thinking they will get divorced. It can be an emotional/financial kick in the butt learning/growing experience......that can make you a stronger, happier person....on the other side.
 
Not a fan of numbers for things like this. By the time divorce is even talked about there's a good chance it was already 'over' for both parties. If it's a surprise I can see it taking a little longer. I've seen/heard people have a new partner by their side less than a year after losing a spouse to illness. Others will never date again. Like most other things timing is everything.
 
CindyLouWho said:
The idea of "1 year for every 5 years" is just an estimate, not a rule, since it's obviously different for each person. I think it's just a guide out there for those who maybe rush into a relationship immediately after divorcing (on the rebound), and unknowingly or not, have not worked through all the emotions a divorce puts you through.

Thanks for those who replied......I think for some it's a matter of getting over that person you were married to, but for others it's more the unexpected shock of starting over, reinventing yourself, after years of doing things the same way and for some, losing friends & family over it.

When you go through the death of a loved one, most likely you have the support of family and/or friends, have time off to grieve, but when you go through a divorce your are supposed to just keep on going like nothing happened, work...etc....and for some reason, lose the support of people around you.

Like JFBev said, you don't know what you are made of until you have to go through the divorce process. No one gets married thinking they will get divorced. It can be an emotional/financial kick in the butt learning/growing experience......that can make you a stronger, happier person....on the other side.
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When I got divorced, I had two really close (or so I thought) friends who I had know for over 25 years and before I ever met my wife. For whatever reason when I told them we were getting divorced, I never heard from either of them for 6 years and still haven't had any contact with one of them. We used to get together at least half a dozen times a year as couples and invited them every year for a weekend or two to our lake house. I'm not sure where the disconnect came in, but after about six months or so of not hearing from either one of them, I started to get angry about it and took it very personally. I thought, here I am going through one of the toughest times of my life and my two closest friends can't be bothered to call me to see how I'm doing? I dug in and vowed not to contact either of them again, if they can't be bothered to even call me then what kind of friends were they to begin with. After 6 years one of them friended me on facebook and so did the wife of the other friend on the same day, but I still haven't heard from her husband. They started messaging me, acting like nothing ever happened and inviting me to cookouts and Christmas parties at their houses. I was having none of it, I felt at the very least I was owed an explanation for why they didn't speak to me for so long and why one of them still hasn't. So I stopped answering their messages and now we're back to not talking at all. I really don't get people some times.

WhatInThe said:
Not a fan of numbers for things like this. By the time divorce is even talked about there's a good chance it was already 'over' for both parties. If it's a surprise I can see it taking a little longer. I've seen/heard people have a new partner by their side less than a year after losing a spouse to illness. Others will never date again. Like most other things timing is everything.
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I knew my marriage was over a good 2 years before we actually split, the only reason I waited that long was because I didn't want to lose the lake house, lol.
 
JimW said:
When I got divorced, I had two really close (or so I thought) friends who I had know for over 20 years and before I ever met my wife. For whatever reason when I told them we were getting divorced, I never heard from either of them for 6 years and still haven't had any contact with one of them. We used to get together at least half a dozen times a year as couples and invited them every year for a weekend or two to our lake house. I'm not sure where the disconnect came in, but after about six months or so of not hearing from either one of them, I started to get angry about it and took it very personally. I thought, hear I am going through one of the toughest times of my life and my two closest friends can't be bothered to call me to see how I'm doing? I dug in and vowed not to contact either of them again, if they can't be bothered to even call me then what kind of friends were they to begin with. After 6 years one of them friended me on facebook and so did the wife of the other friend on the same day, but I still haven't heard from her husband. They started messaging me, acting like nothing ever happened and inviting me to cookouts and Christmas parties at their houses. I was having none of it, I felt at the very least I was owed an explanation for why they didn't speak to me for so long and why one of them still hasn't. So I stopped answering their messages and now we're back to not talking at all. I really don't get people some times.



I knew my marriage was over a good 2 years before we actually split, the only reason I waited that long was because I didn't want to lose the lake house, lol.
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So true, that's why the saying goes, "Hard times will always reveal your true friends(and family)"when you need them the most they desert you. I would never do that to someone, it's just common sense they will need your support.........and yes, the marriage is usually over by the time the "paperwork" is started, doesn't deteriorate overnight.
 
Jim, did you try to contact your friends? I only see that you were hurt because they didn't contact you. I know you were the victim and yes they should have reached out to see how you were doing but when they didn't, did their friendship mean enough to you to reach out to them instead?

Then when they did contact you on FB did you initiate a meet up to discuss things over coffee or a beer? Or did you try to call them to discuss the past? You still can. Maybe they were waiting to see if you wanted to talk about it. Maybe they didn't want to bring it up for fear of the divorce hurting you all over again.
 

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