Just looking for someone to talk to

W

wizzard359

New Member
Location
Space Coast, Florida
I have never participated in a discussion group before but I feel like I just need a group to talk to.

I have been retired for 3 years and my life is miserable. It is not that I miss working, I just can't stand being around my wife of 50 years 24X7. She is a bitch and I don't know what to do. She recently fell and broke her hip and I have been waiting on her hand and foot. One minute she is grateful and the next she snaps at me for the most minor of circumstances. It is not that it was not like that before she fell, but previously I could escape to my work shop and busy myself with some wood working project. Now I am stuck being a wet nurse to her and can't get away.

Is there someone in similar circumstances that cares to talk about it ?
 

Hello Wizzard

welcome.jpeg

Well, I've never been in your position but it sounds like you might have divorced a long time ago. But she needs your help now; it won't be forever.

She's as frustrated as you are with her condition.

Are there children who can come around for an afternoon now and then? Maybe a visiting nurse?

Good luck. Hope you can renew your friendship somehow.
 
Welcome wizard :rose::wave:

You can't live like that 24/7 wizard. Her ungratefulness sounds toxic to your own health and it's wearing you down. It will start to affect your own health over a short period of time. Is it a possibility to hire a caregiver to come into your home part time to give you some time to yourself?

Here are some suggestions, in part, from caregivers library.org :


  • Set up a “recovery station” at home. Place the television remote control, radio, telephone, medicine, tissues, wastebasket, and pitcher and glass next to the spot where your loved one will spend the most time.
  • Have the care recipient place the items used every day at arm level, so he or she can avoid reaching up or bending down.
  • Stock up on kitchen staples and prepare food in advance, such as frozen casseroles or soups that can be reheated and served easily.
After Surgery

  • The majority of patients require prolonged specialized care, such as a long-term nursing or time in a rehabilitation facility. Research your options in advance. Which ones will your loved one’s insurance pay for?
  • Help your loved one follow the doctor’s instructions by making sure you understand them clearly. If necessary, call the doctor for clarification.
  • Anticipate problems your loved one will have getting to and from the toilet. Recovering from a broken hip is, by definition, to have a mobility problem.
  • Support the patient’s effort to work with a physical therapist to rehabilitate the hip. Only about 25 percent of patients return to their pre-injury level of activity; loss of mobility can lead to other problems.
  • Take measures to prevent your loved one from getting pneumonia or an infection. Older patients with impaired mobility are particularly susceptible to pneumonia.
 

Thanks for the good words.

She is getting the best of medical attention. She has a visiting nurse, physical therapist and an occupational therapist all coming to see her.

I would never begin to think of abandoning her at a time like this.

Before this happened around Christmas time we were having a house full of guests. She got on my case so terribly I had to leave. I checked into a local motel just to regain some sanity. Her sister was here and even she took my side. She couldn't understand how her own sister was bitching at me for such trivial things.


For example, I have issues with my hearing. I lost a great deal of hearing as a result of my service in Viet Nam. I have hearing aids from the VA but they are of little use all they seem to do is amplify noise. The biggest issue is with them I loose depth perception. I hear sounds but I can't identify where the sound originates from. She makes no concession to my problem. She will say things with her head turned away from me in a low voice and then bitch at me for not being able to understand what she said. if she would only face me when she speaks I would be able to understand her. I am constantly hearing how tired she is of having to repeat everything she says to me.

It is things like that that have me wondering how am I going to live out the rest of my days.
 
Lon, one of our longtime members, has posted some helpful threads here containing helpful advice regarding Hearing and the VA. The first link is only a handful of posts but packed with good information for you from our members.

https://www.seniorforums.com/showthread.php/35052-Are-You-Happy-With-Your-Hearing-Aids

https://www.seniorforums.com/showthread.php/34598-More-on-Hearing-Aids

You can find more in the HEALTH forum and at the bottom of threads (shows related subject threads to click on)
 
Wizzard--I sympathize with your situation but honestly it seems to be largely of your own making. After being married to this person for 50+ years you knew what she's like and the dynamics of your relationship. The time for action was years ago when incompatibility issues should have been addressed by counseling or even divorce.

At this point it sounds like she is getting plenty of care, so take some time for yourself and let her know in no uncertain terms that you intend to have it. No need to be a "wet nurse" to her with all the help you have coming in to assist.

Stand up for yourself and don't allow yourself to be browbeat. Time's a wastin' and you don't want to spend your remaining years in misery, so try to negotiate some peace in your life. Good luck to both of you.
 
It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. – Nietzsche

Time erodes most relationships, unfortunately....

Stay strong, and you will be able to do your best even going through hard times.
 
Have to totally agree with Falcon and C'est Moi.

When I read about stories like yours, I'm so, so darn glad I'm married to the lady I'm married to. Loving, compassionate Christians lady that totally loves me. We have helped each other after surgeries. She made a great nurse for me and I made a great male nurse for her. Absolutely love her to dickens.

But, no you don't want to spend the rest of your life like this. Thing is, why in the heck do you call her the "b" word so much. You dislike her THAT much and she's THAT bad?
 
Wizzard I understand you would not abandon her in this time of need.

Make your plans to do things for yourself when the assistants are there. Later, counseling may be of benefit. She needs to know she's causing you pain.

Hang out with us for awhile; join in some of our conversations and humor. Take your mind off things..
 
Hey, Wizzard. I think I understand a little what you mean. Especially given that you like being outdoors a bit, and she is kind of mostly indoors now. Some of her snappiness could, I suppose, be partly due to her indescribable frustration at being incapacitated with her hip. My next-door neighbor had been a runner her entire life. Needed hip replacement. Got it. Walked every day, two or three times at least. Infection set in. Waiting for a new hip, she had to wait at home - without a hip! - for a long time - two weeks or more. Couldn't even get up let alone go on her daily walks. Got the new hip. But she cannot walk now without a walker. Tried a few times. Now doesn't even try. She's in her 80s, but I can imagine how frustrating it is for her to want so much to get outside and walk, but being physically unable to do it.

Some things, like complaints, are the result of physiological changes. In my case it was thyroidal: My sister had a problem, and was prescribed medicine for her thyroid. My wife self-diagnosed, got some sort of thyroid supplement, and that helps. You are to be commended for being faithful, sticking with her, at least so far, right? Marriage isn't just love and cookies. It's also responsibility and duty. That's where the "sickness" and "poor" comes in. Women are more likely than men, to leave when riches decline; and men are more likely to leave than women, when health declines. Those focusing on their own wants, leave. Those focusing on the needs of others tend to stay around a bit longer. I made a determination that I will not divorce. I have my reasons for deciding to be faithful no matter what. I realize mine is a minority opinion, even my wife doesn't agree. But, like I said, I have my reasons for such a strong determination. I will not fail. But my life and situation are not anyone else's.

So, I have no answer, but I do understand at least partly. You're the one living it, and you are the one that decides what to do, and then live with that decision. One thing you have to do in all this, 24/7 or not, is find some significant personal time for yourself, right? You need to do that, recreation to "re-create" your energy and some amount of joie de vivre, so you can handle other things. Let someone else take care of your wife for a couple of days, and go fishing or something.
 
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