Knowing what children want or need?

[grahamg]

Probably an age old question but how do you think we might assess what a child needs ?

It can be as wide a question as your imagination can conjure with, or else how you decided to discipline your child, teach your child (or whatever), and/or advise others on bring up their children.

One response might be "you can't generalise", and I've some sympathy with that view myself as we're all unique just as they are. However, surely there must be some principles we all use to guide us, such as how our own parents treated us, be it good or bad, and whether we wish to copy them or avoid their mistakes.

 

[Knight]

1st. thing to do is identify age groups since "wants" & "needs" change over time.


Once some parameters are set maybe there will be some input.


For example a baby "needs" life support a teen "wants" a cell phone.

 

[grahamg]

Three to thirteen maybe?

1st. thing to do is identify age groups since "wants" & "needs" change over time.


Once some parameters are set maybe there will be some input.


For example a baby "needs" life support a teen "wants" a cell phone.

I'm feeling quite patient but how's three to thirteen for you, so the arguably more formative years when a conversation becomes possible, to when they probably no longer want to listen?

 

[Knight]

Ok lets use 3 to 6 as a beginning, I don't think a long list is necessary.


Kids "need" a stable home. Kids "need" the basics. Food, shelter, & clothing. Kids "need" right & wrong guidance. What they "want" at that age is to play.


7 to 10 Same needs as 3 to 6. Wants change. More interaction in family life, budding interest in what other kids their age are doing, building social interaction.


11 to 13 Same needs. Wants vary depending on where they live. In Chicago not getting shot in a drive by probably high on their list. A 4 H member in a rural farm setting might want to win a blue ribbon for the animal they raised.


Overall I think kids no matter their age want to feel wanted. But as we know it takes responsible parenting to get kids from birth to being able to be responible productive members of society. That is lacking all over the world.




I purposely left out wealth & religion. I'm excluding children born with mental or physical problems that make them vulnerable to conditions they may ultimately never have control over.

 

[Big Horn]

Kids need two parents: married natural parents.

 

[Aunt Bea]

I think that they want/need the same things that adults do.

A sense of belonging, purpose, love, respect, privacy, independence/autonomy, responsibility, etc...

I also think that they need/deserve a safe environment to learn, experiment, fail and hopefully succeed.

We all know a few families where it appears to us that the parents have gotten it right. The one thing that I have noticed is that in those families the parents make the big decisions, sort of define the world that their children have control over, and then they stay out of the way until they are needed. As time goes by that world gets larger and larger with more rights and responsibilities for the child. IMO that is a very hard thing for a parent to do but it serves the child in the long run and helps them develop skills that will help them succeed in the real world. What I see more often these days are well meaning parents that want to protect their children and shield them from anything dangerous or unpleasant. Parents that want to provide all of the things that they feel were missing from their own childhood instead of allowing the child to define their own childhood as they mature. Then when the child reaches the age of 18 they are shocked and horrified that their children are not making good choices or successfully venturing out into the world.

 

[Lara]

Building up. Not tearing down.
Then he he dances and tumbles with joy
when he sees others showing their appreciation.
Keep it up little one. The world needs more of this.

 

[grahamg]

I suppose you must be right

I think that they want/need the same things that adults do.

A sense of belonging, purpose, love, respect, privacy, independence/autonomy, responsibility, etc...

I also think that they need/deserve a safe environment to learn, experiment, fail and hopefully succeed.

We all know a few families where it appears to us that the parents have gotten it right. The one thing that I have noticed is that in those families the parents make the big decisions, sort of define the world that their children have control over, and then they stay out of the way until they are needed. As time goes by that world gets larger and larger with more rights and responsibilities for the child. IMO that is a very hard thing for a parent to do but it serves the child in the long run and helps them develop skills that will help them succeed in the real world. What I see more often these days are well meaning parents that want to protect their children and shield them from anything dangerous or unpleasant. Parents that want to provide all of the things that they feel were missing from their own childhood instead of allowing the child to define their own childhood as they mature. Then when the child reaches the age of 18 they are shocked and horrified that their children are not making good choices or successfully venturing out into the world.

I suppose you must be right when you say children need the same thing we adults do, except of course it is us parents in large part they're looking to in order that they get the sense of security and all the other things you mention.

Very thoughtful post though, thank you.

 

[grahamg]

Is it worth looking back to Dr. Spock's views in his highly influential book on the subject of child rearing?


http://healthland.time.com/2011/07/14/65-years-since-spock-five-ideas-that-changed-american-parenting/



1) Trust your instincts

When Spock’s book came out in 1946, U.S. doctors had already established themselves as voices of authority — experts in the budding, newly productive field of medicine. But Spock, unlike many in his profession, did not command his readers to follow strict doctor’s orders. Instead, from his opening sentences, Spock’s tone was warm and reassuring:
“Trust yourself,” he told new parents. “You know more than you think you do.”
Spock gave anxious post war moms and dads permission to be confident in their own sound parenting — that now-typical American sense that parents know best what’s right for their own kids. There wouldn’t always be a pediatrician on hand when the toddler grew stubborn or the baby was bawling. But if parents would just use some common sense and trust their instincts, Spock believed, they would usually get through it fine.


2) Routines are nice, but babies don’t need strict a regimen



Spock broke with conventional wisdom of his day and said it was not really too important for infants to keep a strict, regular feeding and sleeping schedule.
The doctor was in no way opposed to giving children some good, solid day-to-day routine, mind you. But if a young baby was wailing with hunger outside of a regular mealtime, Spock felt it was fine for the mother to give her baby (and herself) some peace.
Critics balked at the idea that parents would follow the whims of a mere infant, feeding or rocking the child at all hours of the day — or night. They warned that Spock was too “permissive,” and that coddling babies and children could eventually make them self-indulgent and rebellious.
This view became especially popular as the baby boomers came of age in the 1960s, and Spock himself started speaking out in protest of the Vietnam War, critical of the U.S. government.
Spock became controversial for his views that parents needed to follow the cues of their babies. Yet modern readers perusing Spock’s earliest editions of Baby and Child Care sometimes find him uncomfortably cold for today’s standards. It shows how much public opinion has shifted in 65 years.


3) Don’t fret if your baby acts funny; Freud can explain it





4) Ideas about good parenting should evolve



5) Babies need love

 

[debbie in seattle]

My neighbor just had a baby. The ‘new’ thing is to teach them sign language, basic stuff like ‘milk’ so they don’t grow up frustrated.

 

[grahamg]

Completely new concept to me

My neighbor just had a baby. The ‘new’ thing is to teach them sign language, basic stuff like ‘milk’ so they don’t grow up frustrated.

That's a completely new concept to me, so I did a bit of checking and came up with this website:






https://www.babble.com/baby/teaching-infant-sign-language-for-babies/




When she was seven months old, my husband and I seriously considered enrolling our daughter, Beatrice, who has no hearing impairment, in baby sign language class. Oh, we did have some doubts: If Beatrice was busy learning how to fold and pleat her fingers into signing gestures, wouldn’t that take time and attention away from learning to speak? Wouldn’t being able to communicate through signs remove any incentive to talk? But our misgivings were brushed aside by the baby signing professionals and their acolytes. Signing is like crawling, they explained. Just as crawling gives your baby that taste of movement that motivates her to walk, signing inspires the voiceless communicator to learn how to verbalize.
Not only do signing babies speak earlier, but research indicates they have higher IQ scores, by an average of twelve points, at age eight, they pointed out.

Well, gosh. How do you say no to that?

Still, the classes were expensive. Plus, it would take time away from work in order for us to commute to wherever it was that baby signers convened; just the thought of adding one more thing to our pittance of “time off” made me weary. On top of everything, we would have to teach the babysitter to sign too, and when would we ever find the time to do that?

I can drive myself nuts trying to weigh the pros, cons and costs of the overwhelming options. No matter what I do, someone else seems to be doing enviably more or improbably less, and either way, their child and family seem all the better for it.
Baby signing – for babies who can hear perfectly well – has become something of an epidemic. Classes are taught everywhere – from community centers to music schools to Y’s to prenatal yoga centers. Dozens of books (including a Complete Idiot’s Guide to Baby Sign Language), videos, DVDs and workshops from companies like KinderSigns purport to teach the method to parents eager to foster early language skills in their infants. Baby signing has become so well established that it was featured in Meet the Fockers, in which Robert De Niro’s character teaches his grandson to sign to comedic effect.