Lawyers

F

Falcon

DV8
Location
So. California
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him
out of $10,000,000.00.


His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job
in the first
place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and
would
therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the
missing $10 million,
he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The
Godfather tells
the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language,
asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are
talking about." The
lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what
you are
talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's
head and says,
"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido,
"He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK!
You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my
cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to
pull the trigger."

You gotta love
lawyers
 
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A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."
 
What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn't get frequent flyer miles.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
Pronunciation.

What can you say about 1300 lawyers buried up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement.

What does a lawyer get when you give him ******?
Taller.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker. The other is a fish.

Do you know what's wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and everyone else thinks they're not jokes.
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The United Way realized that it had never received a donation
from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid
the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research
shows that even though your annual income is over two million
dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give
something back to your community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your
research also show you that my mother is dying after a long,
painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability
to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother,
a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair
and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology,
but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's
husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless
with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that
has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm
so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So . . . if I didn't give any money
to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
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