Limits and rules to friendships.

[officerripley]

I think my closest friend is my mother.

I envy you; you're lucky to have a mother like that.

 

[MarciKS]

Not everyone knows the outline of friendship etiquette. Especially if they have little experience. Some are just terribly lonely and don't understand. I finally had to block a gal I had befriended who was "special" because she didn't understand the boundaries despite trying to explain them to her.

I am very direct with people from the get go. If they don't get it and I get pushed into a corner...I tend to block people out. I have a limit as to how much physical time I can spend with others given my anxiety disorders so I am very upfront about what I can and can't deal with.

I never wanna deliberately hurt anyone but at the same time I don't feel it's fair to allow someone to stress me out. JMO

 

[dilettante]

I knew a woman from work who had some issues with bi-polar disease.

For a long time she seemed fine. I'd come to know of her issues, but they seemed under control. She had some conflicts with her manager and started coming to me for advice as a peer of the manager. I had to explain the problems with this, it wasn't considered ethical but as members of the management team we'd been drilled that within bounds all employees were our responsibility.

Such a scenario even came up when I took my orals to shift to the management track. I'd forgotten about that traumatic experience! The written was tough, but standing in front of that panel was rough.

We got it defused, but she wanted to be social. Nothing in the romantic direction, just an occasional chat or lunch. Then at some point she wanted to swap phone numbers because she needed a "support line" to someone. When her meds failed or she forgot a dose she needed to be talked through it. This could happen in the workplace, but more often in the evenings.

That got hard. It became hard to help with and calls got more frequent. She started to imagine things that never happened so I had to cut her off. By that time we didn't work in the same location, and at least that helped me "escape."

Years later, another work reshuffle, and we were working in the same office again. Standoffish at first, she thawed eventually, but at least kept normal boundaries from there on. I think she must have gotten the help to keep an even keel again.

 

[VaughanJB]

Maybe people think a 'true' friend ought to be available day or night, to do anything. Where did that idea come from? I am certainly not like that.

Excepting true emergency, I am not prepared to do any such thing, neither would I expect it.

I am a person who likes proper borders and etiquette. Make firm arrangements to meet. No lending or borrowing money, no calling up at midnight over some trivial matter. I have sometimes made a connection with someone, only to find they assume and presume a great deal. Then I finish it quickly.

An example was a very nice friendly neighbour, we had so much in common. I invited her over, enjoyed her company. Then she began knocking on the door virtually daily and staying hours. I had to hide! Until she got the message that I will not have my time wasted.

There ARE unwritten rules, all based on sensitivity, courtesy. My best longest friendships have lasted through obeying those borders and respecting each other's need to live our own lives, never intrude. Old fashioned inviting and being invited in turn.

A true friend is someone who, if you contact when you have a need, knows it's urgent, and not something else.

I have one truly great friend. He recently got married (at 60) and I've not heard from him lately. He and I are the same - if he contacted me needing something, I'd move heaven and earth to help. You can't be like this with everyone, but he's a special guy.

Truly great friends are a necessarily rare thing. We're lucky to have them.