living alone--but for how much longer then what ...and where? and who will help?

This is something I worry about constantly. I keep trying to get my Huzz to at least talk about this but he's in denial, keeps saying we don't need to do anything *yet* (by that he means "ever") but like I keep trying to tell him, depending on what kind of change we make to spend our final years, usually it takes time to get that set up, whether it's getting on a waiting list to move into some kind of senior housing, etc.
 

officerripley said:
This is something I worry about constantly. I keep trying to get my Huzz to at least talk about this but he's in denial, keeps saying we don't need to do anything *yet* (by that he means "ever") but like I keep trying to tell him, depending on what kind of change we make to spend our final years, usually it takes time to get that set up, whether it's getting on a waiting list to move into some kind of senior housing, etc.
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Yap! Sounds like your typical "man about the house." They talk about sports, the weather, what's wrong with the government and that new car/truck but they sure hate to talk about the really important issues. How do I know this? I read about these kind of men in several books. Sorry you got one but it is really best to talk about these important issues so you can plan. Good luck with that "hubbie" of yours!
 
Packerjohn said:
Yap! Sounds like your typical "man about the house." They talk about sports, the weather, what's wrong with the government and that new car/truck but they sure hate to talk about the really important issues. How do I know this? I read about these kind of men in several books. Sorry you got one but it is really best to talk about these important issues so you can plan. Good luck with that "hubbie" of yours!
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I think sometimes it can be that old thing (that I'm not positive but seems to be more of a U.S. thing) of "a man's home is his castle." Huzz grew up dirt poor, they lived in their car part of the time, this house we're in now is not just the nicest place he's ever lived, it's the *only* nice place he's ever lived, we worked really hard to finally afford this place, and he thinks if we ever downsized out of here, it'd make him a "loser." (No matter how nice the slightly-smaller place was.) So that's part of what I'm dealing with. But I've discovered, both talking with other gals IRL and online, that I'm a member of a really large club with this.

And you're right: it really is best to talk about this stuff--and someone else told me that I need to keep chipping away at it (and him)--but each time I bring it up again, he becomes more and more angrily determined that he's not changing his mind. And, he also brings my attempts to a close by telling me that I'll be able to do whatever I want very soon since he's on borrowed time since he's in his 70s and almost all of his relatives only made it into their early 60s. (He's correct about that; they really are a short-lived bunch, mostly because of being heavy cigarette smokers and believe that whatever a doctor tells you to do: do the opposite. However, he just had a yearly checkup the other day and the doctor said that he's doing great.)
 
"hate to talk about the really important issues"

Not necessarily. I expected my wife to outlive me and took several steps to see she was in good shape. That included moving close to her family, a paid off house, and as much as I could arrange for IRAs, pension and insurance to fund her staying at home. She always left details like that for me to handle. Other than making her aware of what was in place we didn't discuss it. She never asked for the details. When the time would come all the papers were in one place in the safe.

What I did not anticipate is being the one left behind. Her last request was to take care of her nieces, since we didn't have any direct heirs. Took some time but did as she asked.
 
Since I am already living in a senior living apartment building, I expect to stay here till I die. There are a number of even more elderly than I am, living here who have lived here for thirty years or more. So as long as I can keep caring for myself or just need a couple of hours a day of help I think I will be okay here.
 
The best way to live into very old age is to be MARRIED. My wife and I are married 61 years. I am 86 soon to be 87 and she is 83. We still live in our own house and my daughter and her family live across the street. She visits us for one hour every Sunday.

If my wife predeceases me, I plan to find some other candidate to be my spouse and keep going until I'm gone. Singles are really cursed. Only the marrieds really live.
 
Mitch86 said:
The best way to live into very old age is to be MARRIED. My wife and I are married 61 years. I am 86 soon to be 87 and she is 83. We still live in our own house and my daughter and her family live across the street. She visits us for one hour every Sunday.

If my wife predeceases me, I plan to find some other candidate to be my spouse and keep going until I'm gone. Singles are really cursed. Only the marrieds really live.
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That is your opinion only. I have not found living single to be cursed.........in fact, the complete opposite. Just because someone else does not do what you do or what you like does not mean it is cursed or bad. I could say the same about marriage.
 
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Mitch86 said:
The best way to live into very old age is to be MARRIED. My wife and I are married 61 years. I am 86 soon to be 87 and she is 83. We still live in our own house and my daughter and her family live across the street. She visits us for one hour every Sunday.

If my wife predeceases me, I plan to find some other candidate to be my spouse and keep going until I'm gone. Singles are really cursed. Only the marrieds really live.
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I said this on another thread, and it is worth repeating here. I'm single now, by my own choosing. Sure, I've had a number of opportunities to be coupled since the breakup in 2018. Based on my experience from that relationship, I can say that I'd much prefer to be happy alone than miserable coupled. However, I never say never. For the time being, being single works for me.
 
My wife and I are moving into a senior community for that exact reason. I am the one who initiated the plan. It is somewhat selfish since it relieves me of one of my major concerns, what would happen to my wife when I'm gone. I have worked my entire life with the goal of making sure she we would be financially set, I think it is equally important to make sure there are plans for social wellbeing and quality of life. I personally do not think it is fair to say - my son can take care of her. He has his own family and life. he should not have to assume the responsility of taking care of his parents.

Both of us have never been happier since we made the decision and now have a plan in place to live out the rest of the days for which we are blessed.
 
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I workded with a woman whose husband had a stroke. not sure how disabeled he was but she divorced him instantly.,,,,,--days/weeks

if I had my choice I would have a companion an hour or so a day......and maybe some overnites or less......I am hanging a strong maybe on that

and maybe someone similar for me..hah not likely but I am on the lookout--karma, ya know
 
jakbird said:
"hate to talk about the really important issues"

Not necessarily. I expected my wife to outlive me and took several steps to see she was in good shape. That included moving close to her family, a paid off house, and as much as I could arrange for IRAs, pension and insurance to fund her staying at home. She always left details like that for me to handle. Other than making her aware of what was in place we didn't discuss it. She never asked for the details. When the time would come all the papers were in one place in the safe.

What I did not anticipate is being the one left behind. Her last request was to take care of her nieces, since we didn't have any direct heirs. Took some time but did as she asked.
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Sorry to learn that your wife passed away! It can be difficult, especially if it was unexpected. The same thing happened with my husband. He also left me behind. Sometimes I also ask myself where I'm headed, and my son reminds me to "Take it one day at a time, and enjoy today."
 
I have a partner who is 8 years younger and has been there for me through thick and thin, but after I saw what my mother went through in the past few months I don't expect him to bathe me and change my adult diapers. Also, what if he passes away before I do? I'm a realist. I'm looking at all my options. Assisted living may be the only choice.
 
I'll be 69 this year; I've never married; I don't have any close friends; I have one surviving brother and we live completely separate lives; I live alone in a three bedroom house on twelve acres of land in a rural hamlet of two dozen houses and about seventy five people.
My health is good and if I'm prudent and barring major catastrophe, the money should be OK too.
I'm not really happy but I am contented and also, I don't think I could ever possibly tolerate anyone else living in my house with me.

How long can I keep this up? I'm conscientious to care for my health in terms of diet and exercise but eventually I expect to put the property on the market and hold an auction to unload the accumulation of objects and artifacts the family collected over the decades. I'll keep a few of the better items and move into an apartment in town......seven miles away. But look, I can still chainsaw firewood and snowplow the driveway and mow the acreage.....so I can put off the big changes until I start to seriously deteriorate with age.
 
jakbird said:
"hate to talk about the really important issues"

Not necessarily. I expected my wife to outlive me and took several steps to see she was in good shape. That included moving close to her family, a paid off house, and as much as I could arrange for IRAs, pension and insurance to fund her staying at home. She always left details like that for me to handle. Other than making her aware of what was in place we didn't discuss it. She never asked for the details. When the time would come all the papers were in one place in the safe.

What I did not anticipate is being the one left behind. Her last request was to take care of her nieces, since we didn't have any direct heirs. Took some time but did as she asked.
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Yes, same with me. I thought that I was meant to spend the rest of my life with my wife. As it turned out, she was meant to spend the rest of her life with me. She passed away 8 years ago, at only 69 years of age. Fortunately, I have now moved into a continuing care retirement community where I can move from my cottage to an independent living apartment to an assisted living apartment to a nursing care unit in the future, as needed. My 4 daughters and their families all live within an hour's drive from me as well. I'm 76 and in good health, but none of us know what the future has in store for us. I have 2 sisters in their 80s who are in reasonably good health, but I also have a male cousin same age as me who has suffered a great mental and physical decline over the last decade.
 
Expecting to take the dirt nap before my wife I've outlined all our accounts & she participates in how bills are paid. Finances are not a mystery to her. Outlining home & car maintenance another area she participates in, but just in case it's all written out. We have no debt, a new car.Ongoing home maintenance should last. If however managing a home on her own is overwhelming selling our home is an option but not before securing suitable residence. Our sons will check on her routinely.

But we all know that something unexpected could happen. Expecting that is tucked away as deal with whatever, if it happens.
 
Some may wonder what the important issues in a marriage concerning an older couple might be. Here is my list from experience:

1. A good will done with the help of a good lawyer.
2. Prepaid funeral plan for him and for her. Never say, "he or she is going to die first so the other person got plenty of time to figure things out." You just might be surprised who dies first.
3. Talk about what kind of funeral you want, how you want to be buried and where do you want to be buried. Don't leave it to your spouse to figure all of this out when they are grieving. Do it when both of you are cool, calm and collected.
4. Since my wife and I had appointed the other person to be the executor of the will, she put together a binder which had the following information: how to get into the apartment, cremation information, copy of last will and testament, birth, marriage and legal information, family contact information, banking details, pension details, application for a Canada Pension Plan Death Benefit and Gravestone information.

Yes, when my wife died, I was very sad (to put it mildly) but I knew what to do. No funeral director was going to suck me for $20,000 plus while I was grieving. I know they just love to do that! By having discussed all those 4 factors above, I was able to handle her passing with much less stress than had we never discussed those very important issues.

If you ask my humble opinion, couples who do not want to or refuse to discuss the above issues are going to get themselves into some serious issues when the spouse dies. Think about it!
 
Packerjohn said:
Some may wonder what the important issues in a marriage concerning an older couple might be. Here is my list from experience:

1. A good will done with the help of a good lawyer.
2. Prepaid funeral plan for him and for her. Never say, "he or she is going to die first so the other person got plenty of time to figure things out." You just might be surprised who dies first.
3. Talk about what kind of funeral you want, how you want to be buried and where do you want to be buried. Don't leave it to your spouse to figure all of this out when they are grieving. Do it when both of you are cool, calm and collected.
4. Since my wife and I had appointed the other person to be the executor of the will, she put together a binder which had the following information: how to get into the apartment, cremation information, copy of last will and testament, birth, marriage and legal information, family contact information, banking details, pension details, application for a Canada Pension Plan Death Benefit and Gravestone information.

Yes, when my wife died, I was very sad (to put it mildly) but I knew what to do. No funeral director was going to suck me for $20,000 plus while I was grieving. I know they just love to do that! By having discussed all those 4 factors above, I was able to handle her passing with much less stress than had we never discussed those very important issues.

If you ask my humble opinion, couples who do not want to or refuse to discuss the above issues are going to get themselves into some serious issues when the spouse dies. Think about it!
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Good advice!

If I can add something: (addressing this to anyone)- make sure whomever you put in charge is trustworthy.
A mistake can mean beneficiaries are cheated, your final requests ignored, etc.

After both of my parents passed away, their lawyer's secretary said the law office didn't even have a copy of the will.
People who think their attorney will handle everything are mistaken.
 

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