Murrmurr
SF VIP
- Location
- Sacramento, California
I came to Senior Forums about 6 weeks ago because I was incredibly sad. My heart had been ripped to shreds, and I’m still not over it.
But, back up: I was a single father of three; 2 boys and a girl, all adults now and doing well, families of their own and all that. I moved where I currently live a little over 5 years ago, and a few years later I decided being a foster parent would be a great idea – I’d be doing something good and it would prevent me feeling isolated. So I contacted CPS, took their courses, had my apartment inspected and got licensed, and just four days later CPS delivered a child to my door.
I said child but this was a tiny baby! three weeks old and delivered as if I’d ordered him off Amazon, with nothing but a few single-use diapers, a half-full can of formula and the onesie on his back. Okay, not a problem bc I was told I would probably be getting a baby (but they didn't say infant), so my daughter and my son’s wives had gone shopping (all those 4 days, I think), and a bunch of their girlfriends brought over so much clothing, toys, bottle sterilizers and other baby stuff you’d think the kid was triplets. And my sons helped me convert my office into a nursery exceptall we put in it was a crib and a little chest of drawers so the girls came in and decorated it. Dinosaur themed.
Anyway, I was told by one of several workers assigned to the baby’s case (it’s crazy how many workers are assigned to each case, each one specializing in one aspect of it. Really nuts) that I could expect the mother to get the baby back within a couple of months. Well that’s not what happened bc she kept not going to her rehab meetings and failing her drug tests. So I’m hearing this every month; that it should just be another couple of months and Collin would be back in his mother’s arms, but it’s not happening. I even allowed her to have her bi-weekly visit with Collin here at my place, which I was allowed to supervise (bc I went for the *Super License*) hoping that would help things progress. But her visits were sporadic, and then she just didn’t come at all.
By his first birthday, no one even knew where Collin’s mother was. Six months later, she resurfaced; checked into rehab. Relapsed a few weeks later, was readmitted a few weeks after, and this went on until Collin was starting to talk, and we were getting tight. I mean, this kid! Such a cool kid. Smart as hell, funny too, and freaking adorable. And he’s calling me daddy and hugging me all the time, we brushed our teeth together, ate together, listened to music together, took walks together. But, I mean, who else, right? We were just me and him.
By birthday #2, his mother had finally completed rehab as well as a sobriety maintenance program, and she’s living in transitional housing, and she’s visiting Collin regularly but not at my place. CPS has a family visiting center and they transported him there a couple times a week for the 2 hour visits. That was hard for him, so I started taking him over there myself, and of course I was explaining what was going on the best I could, like, on his level. Then he started spending a night with her once a week, and then over the weekends as well, which was tough for me and even harder for him at first, but I’m talking to him to make him feel okay about it, and she’s still living under supervision, so there was that.
Collin was 3 when CPS told me there would be a trial. Collin’s mother wanted custody now and CPS was going to fight it. And by this time, I’m 100% daddy in his eyes, and 100% Collin’s daddy in my own heart. By this time, he knows everyone in *our* family and we’re all really close, and he’s sneaking out of his bed and crawling into mine in the middle of the night, and I love this kid! I’m teaching him morals and kindness to the earth and the neighbors, and the neighbors all know him and stop to chat with him and say how handsome and well-mannered he is. And he IS! All that and sharp as a freaking tack and full of stories to tell me, and I’m just in awe of my little man, right?
But Family Court doesn’t see that stuff. Their #1 priority is reuniting families. Not ours – not me and Collin’s - hers. And her attitude sucks. She treated me like I stole her kid from the get-go and throughout. But the court doesn’t see that either, even though CPS showed evidence of that and some other stuff. So, when he was 3 years and 3 months old, I lost Collin. And it was so immediate – that very day they came and took him. I didn’t even have time to thoroughly explain to him what was happening, and that it wasn’t happening bc he was a bad boy or I don’t like him or don’t want him anymore.
It ripped me to shreds, like part of me died tormentingly, and I can’t even think about what’s going through his little head because when I do I tear up and get shredded all over again. Yet I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m all teared up right now just writing about it.
This can’t be good for these kids; kids like Collin. Or their foster families either. I totally noped out of taking any more kids. I can’t. I’d like to help them but this isn’t helping – to return them to mothers like this? And in this way? That’s not helping, it’s hurting. I can’t condone that or be a part of it. To raise another kid from babyhood to toddlerhood with full knowledge that life is going to just suddenly take a huge crap on them at a very tender age…no no no-freaking-way.
But, back up: I was a single father of three; 2 boys and a girl, all adults now and doing well, families of their own and all that. I moved where I currently live a little over 5 years ago, and a few years later I decided being a foster parent would be a great idea – I’d be doing something good and it would prevent me feeling isolated. So I contacted CPS, took their courses, had my apartment inspected and got licensed, and just four days later CPS delivered a child to my door.
I said child but this was a tiny baby! three weeks old and delivered as if I’d ordered him off Amazon, with nothing but a few single-use diapers, a half-full can of formula and the onesie on his back. Okay, not a problem bc I was told I would probably be getting a baby (but they didn't say infant), so my daughter and my son’s wives had gone shopping (all those 4 days, I think), and a bunch of their girlfriends brought over so much clothing, toys, bottle sterilizers and other baby stuff you’d think the kid was triplets. And my sons helped me convert my office into a nursery exceptall we put in it was a crib and a little chest of drawers so the girls came in and decorated it. Dinosaur themed.
Anyway, I was told by one of several workers assigned to the baby’s case (it’s crazy how many workers are assigned to each case, each one specializing in one aspect of it. Really nuts) that I could expect the mother to get the baby back within a couple of months. Well that’s not what happened bc she kept not going to her rehab meetings and failing her drug tests. So I’m hearing this every month; that it should just be another couple of months and Collin would be back in his mother’s arms, but it’s not happening. I even allowed her to have her bi-weekly visit with Collin here at my place, which I was allowed to supervise (bc I went for the *Super License*) hoping that would help things progress. But her visits were sporadic, and then she just didn’t come at all.
By his first birthday, no one even knew where Collin’s mother was. Six months later, she resurfaced; checked into rehab. Relapsed a few weeks later, was readmitted a few weeks after, and this went on until Collin was starting to talk, and we were getting tight. I mean, this kid! Such a cool kid. Smart as hell, funny too, and freaking adorable. And he’s calling me daddy and hugging me all the time, we brushed our teeth together, ate together, listened to music together, took walks together. But, I mean, who else, right? We were just me and him.
By birthday #2, his mother had finally completed rehab as well as a sobriety maintenance program, and she’s living in transitional housing, and she’s visiting Collin regularly but not at my place. CPS has a family visiting center and they transported him there a couple times a week for the 2 hour visits. That was hard for him, so I started taking him over there myself, and of course I was explaining what was going on the best I could, like, on his level. Then he started spending a night with her once a week, and then over the weekends as well, which was tough for me and even harder for him at first, but I’m talking to him to make him feel okay about it, and she’s still living under supervision, so there was that.
Collin was 3 when CPS told me there would be a trial. Collin’s mother wanted custody now and CPS was going to fight it. And by this time, I’m 100% daddy in his eyes, and 100% Collin’s daddy in my own heart. By this time, he knows everyone in *our* family and we’re all really close, and he’s sneaking out of his bed and crawling into mine in the middle of the night, and I love this kid! I’m teaching him morals and kindness to the earth and the neighbors, and the neighbors all know him and stop to chat with him and say how handsome and well-mannered he is. And he IS! All that and sharp as a freaking tack and full of stories to tell me, and I’m just in awe of my little man, right?
But Family Court doesn’t see that stuff. Their #1 priority is reuniting families. Not ours – not me and Collin’s - hers. And her attitude sucks. She treated me like I stole her kid from the get-go and throughout. But the court doesn’t see that either, even though CPS showed evidence of that and some other stuff. So, when he was 3 years and 3 months old, I lost Collin. And it was so immediate – that very day they came and took him. I didn’t even have time to thoroughly explain to him what was happening, and that it wasn’t happening bc he was a bad boy or I don’t like him or don’t want him anymore.
It ripped me to shreds, like part of me died tormentingly, and I can’t even think about what’s going through his little head because when I do I tear up and get shredded all over again. Yet I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m all teared up right now just writing about it.
This can’t be good for these kids; kids like Collin. Or their foster families either. I totally noped out of taking any more kids. I can’t. I’d like to help them but this isn’t helping – to return them to mothers like this? And in this way? That’s not helping, it’s hurting. I can’t condone that or be a part of it. To raise another kid from babyhood to toddlerhood with full knowledge that life is going to just suddenly take a huge crap on them at a very tender age…no no no-freaking-way.
I've heard of a lot of this in the American foster care system. Handling it in the way they did puts caring people like you off from staying in and the system is the worse for that. I hope like 
