Love: Conditional or Unconditional? How far do you go?

One thing that we knew before we got married, was that neither of us depended on the other to be happy. Being happy together was a plus, but we could still be happy alone. So yes conditional at that time, as in no abuse, no mistrust, etc. I would say now after almost 35 years of marriage, it is unconditional because we know in our hearts we would never do anything to hurt each other.
 

Last edited:
I personally have not experienced unconditional love from anyone but my dog and my two daughters. (My son has cut me out of his lifeā€”that's a long story for another time and a different area of the forum.)

I have struggled with depression and my husband of 17 years left me because of it. Hence I learned the faux "lesson" that if you ask for help you are weak. I battle against this belief every day. I find it incredibly hard to show any sort of weakness. My female friends have really helped me in this regard.

I tried hard to NOT pass this on to my daughters, but they saw how their father treated me and were pretty traumatized by it. They are both in successful (so far) long-term relationships that I very much hope involve true unconditional love.
 
Last edited:
Murrmurr said:
I recently learned that it's fairly common for men over 40 to feel less attracted to the women they married 10 or more years ago. They still love them, they simply aren't sexually attracted to them anymore.
Click to expand...
I will have to disagree... My wife has gone from a smooth slim hot filly to a flabby wrinkled gray haired beast...
I still love to catch her getting out the shower to hug her nakid body....
 
OP's question is:

Is love conditional or unconditional? How far must a mate go to keep the relationship going?

should be:
Is seksual attraction between mates conditional or unconditional? How far must a mate go to keep the relationship going?

What that relates is though related, love for a mate and seksual intimate attraction to a mate are not in a lock state. Thus that is not a black and white issue. Even if a mate is still very attractive, there are many interpersonal factors in marriage, especially due to jealousy, argumentative conflicts, nagging, seksual methods, lack of loving non-verbal facial expressions during communication, boring repetition, and interference from many others since many today are exposed to so many other people versus centuries ago, all factors that may distance couples from each other.

In today's telecom world, many people have also become addicted to pornography that may change what a person seksually desires for better or worse whether they choose to believe such will or not. One becomes what one does because of neural plasticity.

At a personal level, I as a lifetime unmarried heterosexual person, am not seksually attracted to women unless I can visually see their body, feminine face, and sense their overall femininity. So am not one of the majority that prefers "light's out". Accordingly am not attracted so in that way to women with overweight, wrinkled, unfit, bodies, or those with less feminine characteristics. But that in no way, means I cannot like and accept such people in other ways.
 
Last edited:
old medic said:
I will have to disagree... My wife has gone from a smooth slim hot filly to a flabby wrinkled gray haired beast...
I still love to catch her getting out the shower to hug her nakid body....
Click to expand...
And she lets an old fart like you do that? šŸ˜

When my son told me recently that he's not attracted to his wife anymore, I asked here on SF, and I asked friends who are my age and around his age if they've ever had the same experience. Almost all my friends said yes, but it's temporary; it passes; the old spark comes back at some point.

My son said he still adores his wife. The love is still there, he just doesn't find her physically attractive. And it's not just because he's "slowed down" - he'll be 50 next year, and he has slowed down. It's not her weight. She was overweight when they married 20-some years ago. (she has severe diabetes and insulin causes weight gain)

I've never been with the same person for more than a few years or so, so I didn't know what to tell him. That's why I asked my friends, and I asked here on SF. Most guys on SF talked about the slowing down thing, but that is not the issue. Like I said, he has slowed down, he's middle-aged, he accepts that. What he's having trouble with is, he simply doesn't find his wife attractive...at all. And he's sad about it. He's not going to divorce her over it, he's just really bummed. And confused, I suppose.

So anyway, I told him what most of my friends said; it happens, it will pass, give it time.
 
Lofty goal. Tough to answer.
For ME the key is "TRUST." Maybe same thing, but violate trust or your word, and nothing will bring it back.
:giggle:
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top