Love will keep us together (Or not)

bobcat

bobcat

Well-known Member
Location
Northern Calif
Many people recite vows of devotion to each other, "till death do us part"
Captain & Tennille popularized the song: "Love will keep us together",
and yet the landscape is littered with the breakups of a million people who once were in love, and now they're not (Including Cap'n & Tennille)
It seems that people evolve over time. You're not the same person at 60 as you were at 30. If you are, you've probably wasted 30 years of your life.
We all grow and change, and perhaps "love" always receives top billing, and it shouldn't. No one wants to one day discover, “Who is this person and do I want to spend the rest of my life like this?”

Personally, I think compatibility is far more important than love (Although still an important part).
It keeps long lasting friendships together quite well because you are like-minded and enjoy the same things. You just love being with that other person.
What are your thoughts on the matter?
 

Holly, sorry for what you have had to go through! I hope in time it will lead you to something very special...

My wife and I are just real lucky. We met our freshman year in college and got married the summer of our sophomore year. Time really does fly by. I cannot believe it has been so long. When I married at 20, I thought I was really in love. Looking back, I was really in a red-hot lust. I really liked her, and I lusted to be with her all of the time..., of course, I thought it was love.

After we were married, a few years went by, and I then realized that what had developed was a really good friendship that included sex! Which was perfect for me at the time... I would have called it love, but looking back I would say, not yet! At that time, I did not want sex with her all the time like I had, but I did want to be with her all the time. Since we were both working, we were away from each other a lot.

I should mention that we also had a baby girl early on. Having that child helped us focus on becoming a 'family' and we worked to raise her properly. We both loved having a child. So, after being married for 7 years we had another baby and then 2 years later we had a third child. Both of these were boys, and they had a big sister! These years were hard, but some of our best years...we really enjoyed raising them.

For me initially it was more lust than love that attracted me and bound us together. In time we became best friends which was the beginning of my deep feelings of love for this woman. In time I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and so far, we both liked what we have. Our beautiful three kids, their kids (6), and recently one Great Grandchild really were our rewards for our love and friendship that grew within us (53 years so far).

And yes, "till death do us part"...we have worked at it!
 
bobcat said:
Many people recite vows of devotion to each other, "till death do us part"
Captain & Tennille popularized the song: "Love will keep us together",
and yet the landscape is littered with the breakups of a million people who once were in love, and now they're not (Including Cap'n & Tennille)
It seems that people evolve over time. You're not the same person at 60 as you were at 30. If you are, you've probably wasted 30 years of your life.
We all grow and change, and perhaps "love" always receives top billing, and it shouldn't. No one wants to one day discover, “Who is this person and do I want to spend the rest of my life like this?”

Personally, I think compatibility is far more important than love (Although still an important part).
It keeps long lasting friendships together quite well because you are like-minded and enjoy the same things. You just love being with that other person.
Click to expand...

Of course, compatibility is important. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you're not compatible with?

People throw the word “love” around. I don't say it unless I mean it. Love means different things to different people. You can have platonic love for a friend, but it's not the same as romantic love.

Bobcat, if you think it's best for you to live the rest of your life with someone who's like-minded and enjoys the same things, who you just love being with but aren't in love with, there's nothing wrong with that as long as she feels the same way.

I can only speak for myself, and ideally, I want both compatibility and love. Will I find it at this stage of my life? It's highly doubtful, but I'm not dead yet. Hope springs eternal. :rolleyes: I'll likely settle for companionship with someone that I won't spend the rest of my life with. Qué será, será.
 
Bella said:
Of course, compatibility is important. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you're not compatible with?

People throw the word “love” around. I don't say it unless I mean it. Love means different things to different people. You can have platonic love for a friend, but it's not the same as romantic love.

Bobcat, if you think it's best for you to live the rest of your life with someone who's like-minded and enjoys the same things, who you just love being with but aren't in love with, there's nothing wrong with that as long as she feels the same way.

I can only speak for myself, and ideally, I want both compatibility and love. Will I find it at this stage of my life? It's highly doubtful, but I'm not dead yet. Hope springs eternal. :rolleyes: I'll likely settle for companionship with someone that I won't spend the rest of my life with. Qué será, será.
Click to expand...
Personally, I think compatibility is far more important than love (Although still an important part).

Just wanted to clarify my earlier statement that love is certainly an important part of the equation, and by all means desirable. I just meant that love without compatibility is almost certain doom, and even though compatibility can keep two together, it is in no way a substitute for the grand recipe of having both together. Hard to find, but it's worth the search IMO.
 
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bobcat said:
Many people recite vows of devotion to each other, "till death do us part"
Captain & Tennille popularized the song: "Love will keep us together",
and yet the landscape is littered with the breakups of a million people who once were in love, and now they're not (Including Cap'n & Tennille)
It seems that people evolve over time. You're not the same person at 60 as you were at 30. If you are, you've probably wasted 30 years of your life.
We all grow and change, and perhaps "love" always receives top billing, and it shouldn't. No one wants to one day discover, “Who is this person and do I want to spend the rest of my life like this?”

Personally, I think compatibility is far more important than love (Although still an important part).
It keeps long lasting friendships together quite well because you are like-minded and enjoy the same things. You just love being with that other person.
What are your thoughts on the matter?
Click to expand...
Exactly. For a relationship to survive and withstand the changes that people do go though, both just simply have to want to make it work(committment). Compatibility and real love for the partner, not just loving what that partner can do for me-me-me.
 
Timewise 60+ said:
Holly, sorry for what you have had to go through! I hope in time it will lead you to something very special...

My wife and I are just real lucky. We met our freshman year in college and got married the summer of our sophomore year. Time really does fly by. I cannot believe it has been so long. When I married at 20, I thought I was really in love. Looking back, I was really in a red-hot lust. I really liked her, and I lusted to be with her all of the time..., of course, I thought it was love.

After we were married, a few years went by, and I then realized that what had developed was a really good friendship that included sex! Which was perfect for me at the time... I would have called it love, but looking back I would say, not yet! At that time, I did not want sex with her all the time like I had, but I did want to be with her all the time. Since we were both working, we were away from each other a lot.

I should mention that we also had a baby girl early on. Having that child helped us focus on becoming a 'family' and we worked to raise her properly. We both loved having a child. So, after being married for 7 years we had another baby and then 2 years later we had a third child. Both of these were boys, and they had a big sister! These years were hard, but some of our best years...we really enjoyed raising them.

For me initially it was more lust than love that attracted me and bound us together. In time we became best friends which was the beginning of my deep feelings of love for this woman. In time I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and so far, we both liked what we have. Our beautiful three kids, their kids (6), and recently one Great Grandchild really were our rewards for our love and friendship that grew within us (53 years so far).

And yes, "till death do us part"...we have worked at it!
Click to expand...
I realized when my wife died that love is what you have at the end and not the beginning of a relationship. I like the line from the song "Torn". "Illusion never changed into something real." It's what's supposed to happen.

We knew each other nearly 10 years before we had children. Having children together changed the relationship into a more meaningful one. Being the mother of my children made her irreplaceable.

She was a difficult person and I had to learn to love her in spite of herself because we had a job to do in raising kids.

Working at love as a deliberate set of actions, and not waiting to feel it, taught me what true love is.
 
Given my current circumstances, I'm not at all qualified to reply to this thread. Love alone won't hold a relationship together. It would have a better chance if it was reciprocal love, but you don't always get that. People are complicated, life is complicated, and at any snapshot in time we could have had enough of our partners.

Personally I think, generally, we don't talk about this stuff with our loved ones, taking it for granted. By the time it raises its level to actually talking, it's often too late. I have lots of thoughts about it but they'd all sound hypocritical, because as I've said before, I've managed to bang my head on every stair on the way through relationships.
 
I'm a poor one to ask about anything concerning love. But I'll weigh in just consider I'm a dismal failure at that. I'm once burned, twice shy, a woman going her own way. I have chosen since my marriage only lasted four years and shouldn't have lasted one to remain single. Men, sooner or later, are not happy with that lack of committment and I don't blame them. I just can't give them that so we part and I'm left being amused at how wrong stereotypes are thinking it's men who suffer from that complex.

I like the fantasy and I tend to write long-lasting relationships (literally 'til death parts them) into my fiction because I want to so badly believe in that fantasy. I really like the idea of true love - just haven't found it. It does hearten me to see people who have and that they always but always remark that it takes work because yeah, I make my lasting couples do that. Something worth having should be something worth working to have.

That said, that decidedly does not work when only one person is doing the work. Both have to . Learned the hard way when it took me four years to file for divorce and shouldn't have taken me one. If your partner is an alocholic or a drug addict or has some other serious mental illness, you are not going to be able to reason with that brick wall to reach them and get them to work at your marraige. Learned the hard way.

I know there's good men out there. It's not that I don't trust men. I rather like men. I just don't trust my judgment on discerning the good guys from the jerks who will stomp all over your heart. The jerks are wolves in sheep's clothing and excellent actors - until they think they have you trapped.

I can't know from experience. None of us can because we've all had whatever childhood we had but I guess that it helps if you had a good childhood with parents who had a healthy relationship as opposed to staying in a marriage for religious reasons or staying together for the children (why do they assume the children can't tell) or any other number of reasons even as they grow to hate each other.

I had horrible parents who beat us and tried to beat each other but it was a draw when they fought and neither could beat the other one up. I think I chose poorly - very and nightmarishly poorly - because of this. Sad but true. It is what it is and just another reason I do not trust my ability to know when it's really a good guy or a wolf in sheep's clothing.
 
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