Metamorfosis internal

[Mr. Ed]

I got my Associates degree in my mid-50s as a chemical dependency counselor, 2 years Bible college for prison chaplaincy, transferred to SUNY university for bachelor degree in human services.

I’m not who I use to be, I did well working these types jobs but as of lately I don’t have it in me to help anyone else. I didn’t start working until I was 55 after 30 years of lost magic. Magic as in the ability of making things happen.

My job was with a well known nonprofit organization that hired me as a Peer, the lowest least respected job position on their docket. I attended college part time while I worked perDiem between classes. I graduated with honors, add two nonprofit agencies until retirement in 2021.
I don’t know what I did with my life, did I cop out by appealing to human needs and their pain? If I had more time to explore self and abilities yet to develop.

My time for working and education has long passed and sadly will not happen again. No one expects life to be fair, but my life as an example gives me reason to complain.

 

[MikeyDude]

I’m not who I use to be, I did well working these types jobs but as of lately I don’t have it in me to help anyone else. I didn’t start working until I was 55 after 30 years of lost magic. Magic as in the ability of making things happen.

Believe me - I understand the "magic". I hit that wall a while ago and it really hurts. It's like the universe says you don't matter anymore right now. I try to find things that put a smile on my face, but sometimes they just make me feel selfish for thinking about my own contentment. It's too easy to feel miserable and it takes everything I've got to fight back. And I lose often. But the alternative is unthinkable so I keep on fighting. What else can one do?

Yes, the time for some things has passed and it's a sad thing. But they have to pass to make room for something else. And if I don't keep on trying, I'm afraid I'll miss out on something wonderful. We are born alone and we die alone. All we have is our experience. My biggest fight is with the people that want to make my experiences miserable when they don't have to live with them. It's a painful place to be, but we're old guys and we didn't get here by not facing whatever was thrown our way. We got this.

 

[JustDave]

Getting your shit together should never be cause for complaint. I suppose I could have done better than I did. I dunno. I never actually explored it much, and I passed on couple of opportunities too. I'm more content now than I ever have been, old age and all.

 

[Mr. Ed]

Nothing to do now except ride it out until there is no more. I should’t feel sorry for at least having a small window of contentment, but it’s not feeling sorry for myself I am truly pissed by the lack of living I endured to experience a good life in place of the old. Ironically I am not content with my success and achievement more so I am wrapped up into wanting more of the last few years than being satisfied with what I have.

Because I have nothing but memories of college and proving to myself I am smart and I am worthy to be here. It was a glimpse to what could have been if I had not lost my mind. Childhood trauma and neglect were primary forces against me, my dad should not have done what he did to me, a burdon no one should endure a lifetime.

 

[Muskrat]

Mr Ed….do not take this poorly, but we all look back and play what if. I do not think I even grew up till I was forty. I certainly never explored the concept of being smart and able to change the world. So what to do NOW? You are obviously smart. And not because you have degrees (I know some pretty big fools with degrees). And you have talked about your struggle with mental illness. You are totally discounting the fact that you undoubtably helped people and are still doing so with their struggles. Do not discount this. As for today…the internet provides a great venue to pass on knowledge …and your’s is valuable.